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6:50 pm.

Billie and I are now on the couch. But I wasn't quite focused on the tv like Billie was.

I wanted to know about the kiss. Well, all of them and why they happened. The second one was so recent and wasn't a mistake if she's fine with coming over my house. The first one for sure was not supposed to happen. She was drunk, and maybe she wanted it to happen then, but realized it was a mistake with all that was happening to her and dipped. It seems right to me. But I can't be jumping to conclusions, because whenever I do, it doesn't end well for me.

I was to busy thinking about kissing Billie again that I didn't even realize her face was right in front of mine.

"Y/n!" Billie shouted. "What?" "You zoned out for a bit. You okay?" Billie asked as she began touching my forehead.

"Yes, I'm fine!" I swat her hand away from my face. Billie sits back in her position before, and I let out a small sigh.

Billie then turned her head my way, "whats with the sigh y/l/n?" "It's nothing dude," I respond. "It doesn't sound like nothing, grumpy ass." She whispered the last part, but I heard her. "What was that Eilish?" "Nothing y/n, chill." Bil says with a sassy tone.

"Chill?" "I am chill, I'm the most chill I have ever been in years! I could be chill, and I am!" I shot back at the girl sitting next to me. "Then why are you raising your voice?" Billie questions my behavior, obviously teasing at this point, but damn, this bitch is so nosy.

"Because it's my damn house and I could do whatever I want in it," "Last time I checked, you are my guest, and I'm the owner, I could jump off the roof into the pool because it's my fucking house! So don't question me on something I know and is non of your business. My voice is my voice, so no, you don't need to know why it's raised or even lower, because it's mine. " I vent to Billie. The girl then got quiet and looked extremely embarrassed.

I thought she was done, but then she suddenly said, "Well if it's your damn house then I should leave. Because obviously I can't ask one fucking question without getting yelled at and making me look and sound dumb." "I knew that you didn't want me to take care of you. But you could have said you didn't want me around at all, cause that's how you're acting,"

Billie got up from the couch and stood in front of me, leaving some distance between us. "If you don't want me around you could say so next time, so that I don't get played and used, and that after I feel ashamed for even bothering." Billie then walks away into the kitchen to take her belongings. IS THIS BITCH ON CRACK?!!?

I follow shortly after the smaller girl, to try and protest against her. "Billie, you know that's not how I feel towards you," I try to explain but she wasn't listening.

"Why do I feel this way?" Billie questions to herself before continuing, "Why do I have to still love you even though you make me look dumb, or even if we can't be something? Why do I still try to talk to you even after what happened? Why does my brain always go to you when I'm trying to be happy?" Billie takes a pause before looking into my eyes. "Why do still I love you even after everything, y/n?" Oh but she wasn't done, "Why do I love you?"

My whole world shut . I knew Billie could possibly have feelings for me again, but she full on said she loved me, and she doesn't know why. I think I broke Billie y'all.

I feel so awful for making her feel that way, and I didn't mean to make her feel dumb, they were just simple questions that could be answered. But no. I had to fuck that one up as well.

I don't know how I feel when it comes to loving her. I like her a lot, but I don't know if I could love her after the trip eight months ago. I love being with her, I love talking with her, I love spending time with her, I love her smile, I love how her mind works, I love how she can get through anything, and I love her eyes. But I don't know if I could love, her. But if I can't be mad at her then all I could be is filled with love when I see her. Then I would be in l- Oh god what are my feelings right now?!

I noticed a tear slip from Billie's eye, "I knew you wouldn't react well to that,"

I hated seeing her like this. Vulnerable and confused. Most importantly, sad.

I wipe the tear, resting my hand on her cheek after. "Billie," I start, but end up coming to a blank. I don't know what to say. "It's okay. I've dealt with rejection before." Billies calm voice ringing through my ears. I don't want to say 'no' to her, but saying 'yes' might not be the right choice either. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to hurt myself for loving her at the wrong time. I only know one thing to do, and it might not be the best thing to do right now, but I've been wanting to do it all day since she walked through my door.

I cup her face in my hands and bring her face closer to mine. Our faces just inches apart. I lean in, she leans in.

I then felt her soft lips on mine shorty after, and it was heaven. It wasn't rough, rushed, or lust filled. It was filled with emotion and like we both have been wanting it. We both have been wanting to kiss each other, and both be sober.

I wanted to stay there forever but I pull away to gain oxygen again, my hands still on her cute baby face.

I smile slightly. I've never been in love. So I don't know what the feelings like, but I know I like her more than a silly crush. Maybe I do love her and just afraid to admit it, either way I wanted her in my life forever, that's for sure.

"Was that a 'I like you back' thing, or?" Billie asks slightly showing her flustered-ness through her voice. "Obviously I like you back," I said. "But the question is," Bil starts, pausing for a second before continuing, "Do you love me too?"

It was now my turn to pause. Wanting to tell her my confusion and my fight with love would maybe go the wrong way, but saying I'm so in love with her and not being sure scares me to death. Because I know I do, but I don't want her to not feel the same way after six months of dating, then regret getting with me because she only wanted me for a hot second.

But without her in my life would be painful. I wasn't happy when I was far from her. It was a time to learn, not a time to be all happy. I would do anything for her, and all I want is for her to be happy, and have the best things in life. And if that's me then I will gladly let her have it. But I'm not a rock that you think is pretty, then through away, back into the ocean. It's a weird correlation, I know, but it's true.

"Billie," I start once more, "I love you too. Like a lot. The only thing I'm stressing over is that I don't want to be played. If I'm the best thing for you I'll gladly let you have it. But I don't want to be heartbroken and left to die." "I don't want to be left by you again." I let out a puff of air as I step more away from the one I love most.

I couldn't face her after I said that. I wasn't even expecting it. I felt like crying from the emotional roller coaster, but I knew I couldn't, not while she's around.

"Y/n look at me," Bil says as she comes to my side, and places her hand on my chin to make me look into her eyes.

I could get lost in her beautiful blue eyes, but I needed to focus.

"I won't do that again. It was selfish of me to only think of myself in that situation.

I should have said something sooner." After Billie said that and it clicked in my slow brain, I reassured her that it was okay to think of herself, since she was the one getting the most trouble out of it.

We shared one more quick kiss before Billie got a notification on her phone, then a call. "Shit it's my boss," Bil says as she picks the phone up and heads into the living room to take the call.

A few moments later and she's back. "I need to go to the studio," Billie says with a pout in her face. "Don't be sad babygirl," Billie looked up at the new nickname with shock, "If you can, you are invited to hang out tomorrow. Rich and Eli don't give two fucks anymore," that's right. Eli and Rich. What the fuck am I going to tell them?

"I would like that very much," Billie smiles as she walks past me and grabs her backpack.

I walk her to the front door. "When do you leave the studio?" I ask before the shorter girl goes. "Midnight." She responds, already looking dead inside. "Aw poor baby" I say sarcastically as I hug Billie. She slaps my back, and it stung like hell. "Ow you bitch," I squirm in her arms for a second because of the stinging pain, but it settles and I sunk right back into the hug.

I didn't want to let go of course, but who would want to leave their girlfriend? Oh that's right, we aren't official yet.

Before Billie leaves and gets into her dragon(her car) I ask her, "so what are we?" Billie looks up to my stare. I probably look like an idiot screaming to someone about to get in a car 'sO wHAt arE wE?' But fuck it.

Bil smirks. "Girlfriends babe!"

Billie hopped in her car and sped off into the distance while I stand in the doorway of my home.

I quickly close the door and start running around like a crazy person. "WE. ARE. DATING!" "SHE IS MINE FUCKERS!" "WOOOOO!"

I was screaming so loud I couldn't hear the door open to reveal Eli and Rich coming home from work, seeing me run around screaming something about me having a girlfriend.

I turn and was instantly embarrassed.

"So who are you dating?" Eli asks. Rich nudged him in the arm, "Don't be oblivious to this too," Rich responds.

Eli gave him a weird look. Rich sighed, and yelled, "She's dating Billie, Eli!" Eli's face dropped.

"Ooooooh. I see now,"

Rich and I facepalm at Eli being so oblivious to obvious things. But that didn't really matter at the moment because I have a girlfriend! Who I love with all my heart! What the hell is happening to my life?