Ben had thought a lot about his grandfather throughout his life. He now knew that the voice he heard speaking to him as Darth Vader was Palpatine. So meeting Anakin in person, or in ghost, was a shock. As with most things, the idea of the man didn't match up to the reality. Nothing of Darth Vader remained. Anakin was introspective and pensive. He rarely spoke, and when he did, it was brief and blunt.

Anakin had told him that crossing over into the living world was painful. Pain was nothing to Ben, and so he had prepared himself for physical discomfort. He was accustomed to pain, and prided himself on his high tolerance. Suffering from pain was for lesser men, for weaker men. He had been burned, shot, cut, crushed, skewered, to name a few. When he shared these thoughts with Anakin, the man had laughed, gripped him by the shoulders, and shoved him through the portal.

"I'll give you twenty seconds," Anakin had said before the vortex of the portal had swallowed Ben whole.

Ten seconds later, Ben had tumbled back out of the portal, gasping and dry heaving, trying his best not to totally collapse from his position on hands and knees. Had he been a physical being, he was sure that his stomach would be empty. Now, just the pain of the act remained.

"What the hell," he finally gasped out.

When the dry heaving was under control, he dragged himself to his feet, though he couldn't yet stand up straight. He resisted the urge to swipe the non-existent snot and tears from his face. He felt them, but knew they weren't there.

"For those such as us, the cross over is excruciating," said Anakin.

"And that's why you so rarely do it," said Ben. "And why nobody got too upset when I was volunteered for this duty."

Anakin nodded. "Do you understand now, fully, what this will require of you? How badly do you want to see this woman?"

Ben had never wanted to cry more than he did now. He had learned long ago that there was no fairness, no justice, in the galaxy. But in this afterlife of an existence, the Force demanded justice. It shoved it right in his face and made it impossible to breathe it was so close.

"Do you want to talk about it?" said Anakin.

Ben snorted. "You've been spending too much time with my mother. You're staring to pick up her lexicon. I bet you never once said that whilst alive. I sure as hell never did."

"I told you it would take an incredible amount of willpower. I won't lie to you. Are you ready to try again?"

"How long will it last?" said Ben.

Anakin shrugged. "Minutes for each event. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. It depends on you."

Ben pressed his palms into his temples. This would happen every time. He gritted his teeth and straightened his spine.

"What depends on me?"

"I cannot explain it well. For obvious reasons, I have been hesitant to conduct repeat tests. Sometimes, I am released after three or four events. Sometimes, I make it to six and give up. Depending on the event, I might quit after one."

Darth Vader, quit?

No. Not Darth Vader any more. And yet, this separation from the living and the dead certainly had not forgotten who they were.

To that portal, he was Kylo Ren. And Kylo Ren was evil and deserved to be punished. Repeatedly.

After three times in, he had made it through a single event, a span of just minutes. And he understood what was expected of him. He had occasionally questioned his sanity while he was alive. But he was fairly sure he would not remain sane in this place of death if he passed too many times through the portal.

"How long will I be able to stay on the other side?" he asked an irritatingly not-at-all sympathetic looking Anakin.

Another shrug. Kylo Ren would have Force Choked this man a half an hour ago.

"I have been granted minutes," said Anakin.

"I can't do what I need to do in minutes," said Ben.

"Then you will have to learn how to satisfy the portal, and pass through it many times."

"How long can Yoda stay on the other side?"

"The longest has been about half an hour."

Half an hour. He could see Rey for half an hour if he satisfied the portal. Of course, he wasn't Yoda. He doubted Yoda had committed even a single atrocity in his long life. Kylo Ren had racked up hundreds in his few decades. Maybe thousands.

"Ben," said Anakin quietly. "Do you truly understand what the portal is asking?"

"Yes, grandfather. I understand. I just don't know if I can give it."

"You must."

"I must. Yes. But I cannot use the Force in there. I cannot fight it with my lightsaber. I'm helpless."

Anakin nodded. "Yoda will be pleased with your understanding. You would have been an excellent Jedi master. You will be still. We spent most of our lives running from helplessness. Now we are nothing but, at the mercy of the Force."

Ben knew better than to focus on how difficult this task would be. There was nothing to gain from it. He wanted to see Rey. More than he wanted to maintain his pride.

The portal returned him to past events. Events where he had harmed, humiliated, or destroyed others. But instead of acting those events out himself, he was placed into the mind and body of his victim. He lived their pain and terror. He saw the consequences of his actions - both in the moment and the vast ripples they triggered across the galaxy. He was required to face the horror of his actions. He was required to repent. If the portal found his repentance lacking, he was flung back into the world of the dead, the physical and emotional trauma still fresh on his body. If he couldn't tolerate the physical or emotional pain, he was flung back out again, only to face the same event when he next entered. Without the dark side, he was exposed and raw. Fragile.

It was excruciating. And as he failed, and failed, and failed again, his hopes of seeing Rey began to dim. No power in the world could protect him from himself.