Once we're settled in the motel, I go find Cas. He's standing next to the impala, looking conflicted. I don't blame him.

"How are you?" He asks as I lean against the impala. I release a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"I don't know," I shrug. "I feel like I'm checked out right now. This doesn't feel real."

"I can still go with you," he reminds me. "I am an angel. There's no guarantee I would actually die."

"No," I object, laughing faintly at his slight hubris. "It's not worth the risk. You staying with them is the only thing that makes me feel better."

Cas nods. "I'm just worried about you going alone."

"It's not like you don't know the outcome already," I remind him.

He sighs. What a depressing reality. Such a bleak situation, and yet I just want to get it over with.

"Hey, we just gonna stand out in the open? Do you wanna get killed?" Dean calls from the doorway.

My stomach does a flip at his questions. I put on an amused mask and make my way to him. Cas shares a look with me and goes to Sam's room.

The conflict in me makes me feel sick. I want to be honest with Dean. I know this will hurt him, and I don't even have to deal with the repercussions this time around. It's not fair, but such is life.

"You okay?" He asks. "You're quiet."

Dean stands behind me and puts his arms around my waist. He kisses the top of my head. I rest my hands on top of his.

"Just worries about you guys," I shrug. It's not a total lie.

"Hey," Dean mumbles. He grabs my shoulders and spins me around to face him. "No matter what happens tomorrow, we're ready. I know it looks bleak, but you are what's important to us, and we protect what's important."

Against my wishes, my eyes water. He has no idea. My guilt is eating me alive now and burning me from the inside out.

Dean holds me and reminds me that he'll protect me. He tells me I'm safe. That he knows I'm scared, but it's okay. He loves me.

As the sun sinks, so does my heart. The time I have left with Sam, Dean, Sigrid and Cas is diminishing quickly. We're all sitting in a booth at a diner now; the boys are laughing about old stories, Sigrid is infatuated with Sam and Cas is sharing in my dread.

"Remember when you first came around?" Dean asks me. "We fought so much."

I laugh a true chuckle, remembering how we couldn't get along. "Yeah, you were so mean."

Dean shrugs. "You were sketchy."

"I was sketchy?" I challenge him. "You're the one that carries a knife during first impressions."

Everyone laughs. I smile, trying to embed the sounds of their laughter in my brain.

"That's true," Dean chuckles.

We leave the diner and return to the motel. Cas flutters off somewhere for a bit. Before everyone retires to their rooms, we gather in the parking lot.

"Tomorrow, we're up bright and early. Sam, you know where we're supposed to be?" Dean asks.

"Yeah," Sam nods. "Cas told me where they should be."

Without a second thought, I pull Sam into a hug, then do the same with Sigrid. They both give me a weird look.

"Sorry. Life or death battles get me a little feelsy," I laugh nervously.

"It'll be okay," Sam assures me.

"Yeah," I nod. "I'm kind of tired. We should all rest up."

The three of them agree with me. Dean and I go to our room. He takes a quick shower and comes back out in my favorite outfit - sweatpants with no shirt. I watch him as he lies down, letting my mind drift away from the situation at hand.

I settle down next to him, getting as close as I can. He yawns and entraps me to him, just like always.

"Dean?" I whisper.

"Hm?" He hums.

"Thank you for everything. I love you."

Dean looks down at me and smiles. He kisses me. "I love you."

Promptly after, he falls asleep. I stay for two more hours, watching him sleep peacefully. When the clock hits midnight, I crawl out of bed, careful not to wake him.

I grab a pen and the notepad off the desk to write Dean one last note.

Dean,

Please don't be mad. I lied. Death won't be here, he'll be somewhere else, far away. I mislead you so you all would be safe. I knew that if you tried to fight my father, you all would die. It's not worth that.

I want you to know that I love you more than anything. I'm grateful for everything you, Sam and Cas have done for me. My last favor to ask of you is that you don't come after me. Go home and stay there until it's clear.

You know by now that I'm not coming back. Maybe I'll see you on the other side.

Be safe. Take care. I love you.

Mal

I fold up the note and leave it on the table next to the bed. I take one last look at Dean. The love of my life, my true saving grace, and the only thing that makes dying worth it. If there's an afterlife for me, I hope I'll see him again.

I grab my bag of weapons and supplies and walk out the door, letting it lock behind me. Cas is waiting in the parking lot. I let out a sigh and brace against the cool air.

"Are you sure about this?" He asks. "You could still go back. They wouldn't know. We could just say we made a mistake in calculations."

I shake my head. "This is the only way."

Cas grimaces. He holds his hand out to me. I take it, and within a second, we're in a completely different location which I assume to be in Illinois. We're in front of an abandoned church. Fitting.

I've never seen an angel cry, but in the yellow streetlight, I see a tear slip down Cas's cheek.

"Come on, Cas," I joke sadly. "Angels don't cry."

"Angels that have been human before do," he chokes. "So do angels with friends."

I sigh, feeling the sorrow deep in my chest. Cas hugs me one last time. One last time, I take in the smell of sandalwood and bakeries and cinnamon candy that he keeps in his trench coat (don't tell Sam).

"We'll miss you," Cas says.

"I'll miss you more. Please, Cas, take care of them. Especially Dean."

He nods and wipes another tear. "I promise."

"Goodbye, Castiel."

Without a word, he flutters away. I walk into the abandoned church and set my weapons down. One by one, I start cleaning and sharpening everything again to pass the time.

When Death comes, I'll be ready.