《When You and I Collide》7) The Struggle

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~Snow's POV~

Tifa trips for the one millionth time and bursts out laughing as I catch her arm.

"What is wrong with me today?!"

"Don't know," I chuckle. Fang called this morning to tell us why she, Vanille, and Vincent weren't back yet, and we spent the whole day yesterday learning about this place. While Lightning and Hope were interested, Teef and I didn't care, so we wandered off to kill some stuff.

"I can't stop slipping even though this hill is so dry!"

"Why are we getting on a hill anyway?" I wheeze. This thing is steep and it's so hot with my trenchcoat on.

"Because I wanna!" She giggles and keeps trudging up. Once we reach the top, I peel my heavy jacket off and toss it to the ground.

"Nice view!"

"I know! I come here a lot," she nods with a smile. "Cloud and I used to eat up here."

"You know, you're really making it sound like you two are a thing," I raise an eyebrow playfully and she rolls her wine colored eyes.

"And I told you that we aren't anymore." Good.

Really Snow? Just going from one girl to the next, huh? What a great guy. I'm not. I'm still mourning Serah's death, just when I'm in my tent and everyone else is asleep. The big teddy cries sometimes too! But Tifa... There's just something about her that makes me feel like it's alright. That the pain will always be there, but I can always find another ray of sunshine to cling to. Around her I feel special, like a friend, someone that cheers me up when I want to smash through a brick wall. At least then I could show that stupid wolf that smashing through a wall to get the pigs would be a lot more effective than blowing.

"Snow?"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing. You just looked lost in thought. Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," I send her a half smile and plop down onto the grass. "So are we ever gonna move on, or do you guys like to stay in one place for awhile?"

"You're staying with us?" Her beautiful eyes widen. No, don't think like that Snow. Even if some part of me likes her, guilt bubbles up with the thoughts I get around her.

"Of course! Well, at least I hope so," I scratch the back of my neck awkwardly.

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"Well I hope so too," she beams and looks back out at the plains. Her smile slowly fades while I pluck at the blades of grass around me, splitting them into as many pieces as I can. "Are you alright Snow?"

"Um... Yeah, I think so. Why?"

"You're lying," she looks down. "Nobody's alright. Heck, I'm not even alright."

"What's wrong?" I furrow my eyebrows. "You seem fine."

"How can I be fine," she bites down on her lip. "When my parents are dead, Sephiroth is dead, the Cloud I knew is dead, Denzel's dead... Everyone's dying on me and I feel like it's all just slipping through my fingers. I can do anything about it. My little fantasy about what my life was going to be has died too."

"What was your life going to be like?" I lean back on my hands.

"It's silly," she shakes her head.

"Can't be any worse than mine," I half smile.

"Well, I always had this.. Dream almost, that I would get married to Cloud and we would have this big house and lots of kids and... And none of this stuff would've happened. My parents would be alive, and Cloud wouldn't have so many... I'll just say mental issues to be nice."

"Mental issues?" I chuckle.

"Yeah. Amnesia, self identification problems, Mako poisoning.." She sighs. "Mako... That stuff we told you was the life of the planet?"

"Yeah?"

"Cloud's eyes glow because he was injected with it for science experiments. And then his mind got all messed up from it. The second time, Sephiroth took control of him and dropped him into the Lifestream. Wasn't ever going to really be alive again if I hadn't have fallen in too and found a way to right his memories of the past."

"So you were in his mind?" I ask in wonder.

"His subconscious," she nods, swiping at her eyes. Oops.

"Shoot, I didn't mean to make you cry," I say in a hurry, wiping a tear off the edge of her jaw. She laughs and shakes her head.

"It's not your fault, Snow."

"Well I did bring it up.."

"Actually, I did," she waves me off.

"But..."

"No. My fault," she laughs, shoving me playfully.

"Hey!" She laughs louder and stands, stretching her arms over her head.

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"I'm hungry."

"Eh, I'm alright," l shrug. She mock glares at me.

"I wasn't asking about you, dofus!"

"Okay! Sorry!"

"You'd better be."

I chuckle and pick up my trenchcoat, dropping it on her head as I walk by.

"Snow!"

"What?" I ask innocently, heading down the hill.

"Come back here!" She yells, chasing me. I yelp and make a run for it, but she's already caught up, slamming into my back and knocking me down.

"Oof! Ow. That really hurt, Teef," I say sarcastically.

"You're mean," she sighs, still on top of my back. "And warm." I can't help but smile when I feel the side of her face pressed to my back.

"Don't fall asleep on me."

"I won't," she sighs and gets off, handing me my jacket and turning to go. I frown. Weird. She just keeps walking until she's a few yards away before looking back at me with a forced smile. "You coming?"

"Yup," I jog to catch up as she begins walking again. Why's she being so quiet? Is it about the Cloud thing?

"Snow," Lightning calls to me once we get back to camp. "Come here."

"What did you need?" I cross my arms with a lazy smile directed toward her.

"Do you think there's any chance that we could still get back home?" She looks up at me, somewhat dejected.

"I don't think so," I shake my head, looking down at my boots. "The planet seemed to... Blow up all of a sudden. Cocoon fell and was destroyed so.." I feel a wave of guilt overcome me. "I promised I'd save it..."

"You did all you could," she shakes her head.

"Which was what?" I look up, suddenly angry at myself. "Sit around and mope while everyone else was so busy trying to make me feel better that they didn't notice anything strange?"

"Snow, your fiancé died. You're kind of expected to mope," she raises an eyebrow, her hard cover coming back over. "I just didn't want you to get too attached just in case."

"What? Are we going to live afraid of everything forever?" I frown. "I don't want to be afraid. I want this place to be our home. You of all people should know that hanging onto the past is no good. It's not like I won't miss home, but it's not home anymore. It's gone. Serah's..."

"Well you obviously don't care!" She explodes. "We're on a planet where we don't know what the heck is going on and you want to make friends! Serah's dead and you tell me to just let that go!? You were engaged and I spent nine years of my life protecting her just for you to let this happen!"

"Light, you know to.." Her fist connects to my face.

"I don't need to do anything! This is all your fault! She died because of you and your stupid lies! If you hadn't have let her go when she was that angry..." Her voice cracks involuntarily. "She wouldn't be dead."

"I told you I was sorry! There's nothing else for me to do."

"Just leave," she mutters. "I don't want to even see you anymore."

"I'm not leaving." She clenches her jaw and swings again. I don't block the predictable hit at all, allowing the pain seep into my face. You deserve it. No duh. Then she stomps away before she can attempt murder. I shake my head and pull my coat back on, hoping that my wild hair will cover my bruising cheek. Cloud eyes me when I get back to camp, plopping down onto the ground a short distance away from him.

"You alright?"

"She's a hard hitter, but I'll survive," I smile at him weakly.

"I don't know. Looks fatal to me," he teases.

"Oh no!" I chuckle.

"So where do you think we should go next?" He fiddles with a burnt stick. "I know Shera will want Cid home with she and their kids, Nanaki has a tribe to lead, and Barret and Marlene have go back to Corel for some coal mining meeting."

"Maybe the infamous Midgar?" I offer hopefully.

"It's kind of dull and gray.. But why not? Tifa and I have a home in the Edge, and I know Vincent has an apartment somewhere there too."

"By dull and gray do you mean old fashioned?" Tifa and I have a home in the Edge... That just bothers me.

"No," he chuckle sadly and shakes his head. "That'd be more Rocket Town, where the Highwinds live." I nod and stand again. Maybe I should stay away from Tifa from now on. Obviously she and Cloud have something still going on. And even though I've made up my mind up, Gods it hurts.

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