TRIGGER WARNING:

Walking off the court on crutches, I was disappointed. I was disappointed more so in myself because I'd let my teammates down. We were knocked out of the second round of the tournament which was a huge upset. I wasn't a hundred percent focused because I'd just buried my best friend yesterday and my dad two weeks before. I missed open shots, played bad defense, and plus I tore my ACL. Even if I wanted to enter the draft, I couldn't. Danielle was also on my mind because I hadn't heard or seen her since we got the news about Randy. Her mom said that she just needed time to herself and I understood that.

Randy's death stung even more when I learned that he wasn't the target. The target was his brother and with them looking alike, the shooter gave no mercy. He was shot eight times. I wasn't sure why things like this were happening to me. Randy didn't deserve that. If anything, I did. Why it couldn't it be me instead of him? I shook my head as I made it into the locker room. I took a seat at my locker, silently. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I tuned out coach as he gave a speech or whatever. I didn't wanna hear it.

I sat there with a towel over my head, fighting back the tears. I didn't cry at the funeral or anything. I was too numb to cry. I felt like I was backtracking, well, I was. Malia and I haven't been on the best of terms because she feels like I'm pushing her away. I don't feel like I'm pushing her away. I'm just used to dealing with these things on my own. I just need a little space, maybe.

"Valentine." Coach called. Slowly, I lifted my head to meet his piercing gaze. He looked like he wanted to say a lot, but only a little came out. "Time to load the bus." He said simply. I looked around to see that the room was basically empty. I threw my hood over my head and slowly got up, before walking out of the room. It took me a minute to get on the bus, but once I did, I headed towards the far back. Ty had saved me a seat which I was grateful for. I took a seat beside him, and I felt him place his hand on my shoulder. Honestly, I couldn't even look at him.

I put my earbuds in and played Leaning my head back on the seat, I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. Since we had played in Baltimore, the drive wouldn't be that long. It wasn't long after we pulled off that I dozed off. When I woke up, we were pulling up to the school. There were a lot of people here waiting on us with signs and everything. I waited until everyone else loaded off the bus before I got up. Taking my things from Ty, I threw my bag over my shoulder.

Getting off the bus, all the students started screaming. All I heard was get wells, we'll get them next year, and etc. I just nodded my head, not feeling confident at this point. I glanced the crowd to see if Malia was here. I noticed her at her car. She had a look of concern on her face as I made my way to her. She met me half way, trying to help me, but I gently pushed her hand away. "I got it." I said simply.

I heard her sigh so I let her take my bag. She opened my door and I got into the car, allowing her to take my crutches and place them in the backseat. I closed my door and waited her to get in. Once she was in, she motioned to start the engine, but sat back in her seat and left the keys in the ignition. She sighed again before looking at me.

"How are you feeling?" She asked softly. I just looked at her, not sure if I needed to answer the question for her to know. "Communicate with me. Tell me how you're feeling."

I shook my head, looking out of the window. "I just wanna head to the crib. Ion feel like talkin." I heard her sigh softly before starting up the engine. She moved out of the parking space and drove off. The car ride was silent. There wasn't even music being played. She'd reached over and placed her free hand into mine, squeezing and rubbing it gently. The gesture was appreciated. Things were cloudy right now. However, maybe things would get better and stay better from here on out. I was really counting on it.

Once we pulled up to the complex, she quickly got out and headed to my side. I opened the door, taking my crutches from her and got out of the car. I watched as she grabbed my things, throwing it over her shoulder. When she locked her doors, we made our way to my apartment. Fishing my keys out of my pocket, I opened the door and headed inside. I threw my keys on the couch before heading to the bedroom. This was my routine everyday except I was on crutches today.

"Khari." Malia called. I sighed, and slowly sat down on the bed. I really didn't wanna be bothered. "You're gonna do this everyday?" She asked. I looked up at her before kicking my shoe off my foot. I grunted as I tried to lay back on the bed. Malia attempted to help, but I swatted her hand away. "I'm just trying to help." She glared at me.

"I ain't ask you to." I glared back. Once I was comfortable, I closed my eyes. I could still feel her looking at me so I opened my eyes and stared back her. "What?"

She shook her head, placing my bags by the bed. "I understand he was your best friend. I really do. He was my friend, too. I think you forget that. I think you forgot that I've been dealing with this too. Don't shut me out. The only way we're gonna get through this is if we do it together. But, I won't be disrespected. I just won't. I'll give you your space." She said as she looked at me before walking out of the room.

I wanted to call her back, but I was too much of a coward to do so. She was right. I did forget that Randy's death affected her as well with her losing her bestfriend in Danielle, as well. I was just lost at this point, though. Hearing the door slam shut, I sighed. I pulled my phone out and sent her a text to say I'm sorry. Again, I was a coward. She read it, but didn't reply back. Looking at the cast on my knee, I just wanted to breakdown. No tears would come out though. Sometimes I just wonder why me. What did I do to deserve this?

Yes, I haven't been the most spiritual person. But, I thought I was at least on the right track. They say God don't give you anything that you can't handle, but I was questioning that notion. Cause I was laying here contemplating about ending it all. This was too much for me. I couldn't handle it. Remembering the pain pills the team doctors had given me, I thought long and hard about it. Was this really it? I mentally nodded to myself, and reached into my bag. Once the pills were in my hand, I twisted the top and opened it.

Staring into the bottle at the pills, I took a deep breath and threw back enough pills I thought would do the job. It wasn't long before sleepiness and numbness came over me. It felt like I was finally about be at peace. Nothing could hurt me anymore.

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