Jay'shawn Lawson, NJ📍

Hey guys.

More than likely If you're finding this I'm no longer with you.

I know this is so sudden. And Unexpected. But a person can only take but so much until they break.

And I'm at that point.

I've never told you guys about the real me. I try to pretend to be what I'm not to please you guys.

Jay I'm proud of you. You've came a long way since middle school. You've always been there for me. Even though I can be pretty stupid at times.

Demarcus. I've always liked you. You were my first love. It's always the first loves that hurt more than anything. You were good to me. All the fights and arguments were my fault and I'm sorry.

Ashanti, I love you. Demarcus is my first love but you are and will forever be my soul mate. We connected so tightly and being around you was a different type of unmatched energy I've never felt with anyone else. This one is going to hurt to. But don't cry. Please don't cry. I don't want to see you cry.

I want the three of you to be happy. I'm not scared. I'm not scared of dying. It's more scary for you guys than it will be for me. I've always been absent. My body has been here but my mind and soul hasn't.

Ashanti, I hope you tell the baby about me. I would've loved seeing him or her grow up.

But it's time you guys learned my story.

When I was just 5 years old my parents weren't real parents to me. They would use me for money. The government would give more money to those who had kids. They never provided for me. They did the literal bare minimum.

One day my uncle came and picked me up from my house. He promised to take care of me. And I trusted him. Biggest mistake. Cause the same person I put my trust in is the same person that snatched my innocence from me. But he took more.

Over the years he took my confidence, my self esteem, and my pride. I was completely distraught by the age of 8.

Jay you remember that long ass week I took off of school. When I went on "vacation". I wish it was vacation. I spent that week in the bathroom of my uncles house trying to stop myself from bleeding. I didn't exactly know where it was coming from at the time. But once I realized I cried.

I would look at myself in the mirror and think how could it have gotten tho bad. I had cuts on my arms from failed attempts of suicide. I had bruises on my legs from beatings. I was a wreck. On top of that he would always tell me that I am so ugly. That I wouldn't be anything. Once you get told that enough you start to believe it. Especially at the age I was at.

I remember my father pulling up and coming inside to get me. When I looked up at him with pain in my eyes he told me to fix my face.

I went to his car and told him everything that happened. And you know what he told me. He asked me what did I do to make him do that to me. And that's when I lost it.

I started slitting my wrist at the age of 8. Only 8 years old! What does an 8 year old know about that stuff?

My father was the only man that I depended on and he dropped me. So I grew up went to middle school.

2 suicide attempts. Wrecked relationships.

I caught myself in the wrong crowd of people. I started to smoke. I started to take pills. Jay you remember. Cause it was your brother that supplied me. And when you found out you tried to kill him. Remember?

Remember that year I stayed at your house on your couch. Remember finding me on the floor in the bathroom passed out. Do you remember when ya mom took me to the hospital and they tried putting me in a mental hospital.

Remember when we graduated and grew from the past and I made you a promise. Well it's becoming so hard to break.

I was in so much shock from the letter I didn't noticed Ashanti had walked in and was calling my name.

"Yea." I said looking up.

"What are you reading that you don't hear me talkin to you?" She snatched the paper from me and before I could stop her she was reading it.

"Jay." She said with tears in her eyes. "What is this?"

I grabbed her hand and walked her in the living room. "Lemme explain ma."

"No it's like you lie back to back to back. I thought we was done wit that."

"We are. I only ever lied to you to protect you. When this shit happened you were in high risk with Aqua. I knew for a fact this would set you off and you didn't need that ma."

I sat there and explained everything to her and she was a lot more understanding now.

"You good?" I asked her she nodded.

---

Jo'nae Mariè Andrews, NJ📍

It's been a few months since my breakdown and I feel a lot better. I don't want to get any help because I hate people telling me somethings wrong wit me. And everyone else wants to be supportive and not force me to do what I don't want to do.

But in the bright side I'm having a girl, I'm 6 months and my bump started to grow a lot!

---

Ashanti Renèe Robinson, NY📍

"Girl you good?" I asked Nicole as I walked in the house.

"Damn girl do you even have your own crib anymore?"

"Girl shut up! I wanna be around my bestie while she pregnant. Jay and Aqua out havin daddy daughter time so I'm alone."

"She told you that you couldn't come didn't she?"

"Yup." I said laughing. She looked down at her phone and rolled her eyes. "Oop. What's that for?" I asked her.

"Nothing. Just Rachel."

"She still naggin you?"

"Yep. Sad to see your 'day ones' turn fake."

"Aye shit life happens. But I dare Jo'nae to try dumb shit i'll kill her!"

She laughed but it went away as she looked at her phone again.

"Girl, stop lookin at it. You can simply lock your phone and she won't be able to affect you no more."

"Nah this is different." I watched as her face grew more and more angry as she scrolled.

A single tear bottles up in her eye but she didn't let it drop. I walked over to her and took her phone away from her and looked to see what it was. There was a picture of a women half naked in a bed with a guy. She looked battered and aweful.

"Who is this?" I asked her.

"My mother." She gritted out. She took her phone back from me and got up to leave the house.

---

Jay'shawn Lawson, NJ📍

"Aqua no." I said as she tried to touch another dog.

"Daddy dog! Wooooo." She said making a noise at it.

"Baby, that's a wolf not a dog."

"Wooooo." She said again. I shook my head as we walked into the ice cream parlor.

"Come on step up on the step." I told her as she put her foot on it.

"Help." She said reaching for me. I picked her up and put her on the step and she looked at all the ice cream.

"Ouuu pink." She said pointing to the strawberry one. "Daddy pink." She said pointing to her mouth.

"You and ya momma wit dis damn strawberry." I said to her.

I looked out the window and across the street I seen Nicole coming out of a gun store. I wrinkled my face in confusion and took my phone out.

❤️

wyd?

just got in the house, why yo shoes always trippin me up.

lmao, my bad bae, you want sum from the ice cream parlor?

CHOCOLATE VANILLA SWIRL WIT A COOKIE CRUNCH PLZ

you're so annoyin!😭

but fr i want a milkshake like last time.

aight and tell me why I jus saw Nicole coming out a gun store she tryna shoot some shit?

she's going through her own thing right now it's best for us to stay out her way.

oh aight shit then nvm. i'll see you when we get back. i love you

i love you more. tell Aqua i love her.

4sho.

I pocketed my phone and ordered their things.

"Mommy said she loves you." I told her as we got in the car.

"Mommy? Where mommy?" She said with ice cream on her face.

"She's at home I texted her."

"Ou hi mommy." I laughed and drove off.

---

"Mommy!" She yelled running into Ashanti's arms.

"Hey baby! Oh my god, you're so sticky."

"It's that damn ice cream." I said putting our bags in the table. "Tell mommy you saw a dog." I told Aqua.

"Woooo." She said spinning in a circle.

"Baby that's a wolf sound." Ashanti said.

"That's what I told her!"

---

"Is she stretched?" Ashanti asked. I nodded.

"Sugar crash." I laid beside her on the bed. "Wassup ma. Whatchu doin?"

"Nothing yet."

I kissed her cheek and down to her neck and sucked it.

"We both know where that leads Jay." She said.

"Number 2?" I asked holding up two fingers.

She smiled. We all know what that mean.

---

Nicole Simmons, NJ📍

It was dark outside as I pounded on her front door.

"Oh it's the bitch wit the slutty momma." She said opening it.

"I've been waiting for this moment for a long time chile." I said walking in the house.

"Ion think I said you can come in."

"I let myself in. Get in here and sit on the couch." I said to her.

"Bitch please." I pulled out the gun I bought and pointed it at her.

"You gon shoot me now?" She asked. I stayed silent and she sat down.

"Take out ya phone."

"Ik ya broke ass not gonna rob me."

"Take it out!" I yelled. She rolled her eyes and took it out her pocket. "Delete every damn thing you said about my mother. Now!" I demanded.

She clicked buttons on her phone and tossed it on the couch. "Happy?" She asked. "Now put the gun down we both know you ain't bout that shit."

I cocked it back. "What?" I asked her.

"I said we both know you not bout shi-" The sound of my gun interrupted her talking as I shot. I emptied a clip on her and watched as her body slumped to the side.

I smiled. I knew I was crazy but not this crazy. I left the house and started walking down the stairs when I heard police sirens. Nosey ass neighbors.

I ran across the street and down the block as the sirens got closer and closer. I ran around a corner and realized I trapped myself at a dead end.

"FUCK!" I screamed turning to see bright red and blue lights.

"POLICE DROP YOUR WEAPON!"