Ashanti Renèe Robinson, NY 📍

"Sh sh sh sh. Mommy's right here." I said as I held Aqua. It's been two months since I had her and I've been going through it.

Jay's been out almost everyday all day at the club. We havent been good lately. He does him and I do mommy. I'm getting tired of seeing his social media with him and his people while I'm at home with the baby. He literally comes home and sees her for like an hour or two, sleeps, wakes up the next day, plays wit her, then leaves. Till the same time every night.

"There you go mama. See no more cries." I said laying her back in her crib.

I'm supposed to be in bed my damn self but I can't stay still for shit. It's like I'll lay down and for a good 5 minutes i'll sit there and then hop up to do something.

I walked to Aqua's closet and took out clothes for tomorrow. She has a photo shoot tomorrow in the living room and I wanted her to have a nice lil outfit. Its only 9:24pm so I took the outfit and put it on her changing bed until the morning.

"Whatchu just looking at the ceiling for mama?" I asked playing with her. She just looked at me like I was crazy.

I sat in the rocking chair and was scrolling Instagram.

❤️64,364 💬 137 🔄 163

down since day 1 💯layla_love

💬comments:

big bro fr ❤️

🔥

don't you gotta kid.

↪️ i'm sayin.

I put my phone down and and breathed heavy. I was irritated. It be shit like this I be talking about. I was zoned out thinking about who knows what. When I snapped back to reality I realized Aqua had been crying again.

"What is it Aqua?" I said picking her up. "It's not time to eat yet and yo-" I stopped by a smell.

"You shitted." I said making a face. "Dookie booty ass baby." I laughed and got her out clothes for a bath.

I took her diaper off wiped her down and threw it away before making my way to the bathroom. I set her bath-bed into the tub and laid her in it. She hated this part when the water first hits her.

"Hush mama you are okay." I said spraying her all over with the warm water. "Alright Alright. Here." I put the water on her hair and allowed it to run through it.

She laid there quietly embracing the warm water. I laughed and set the wand down so that it was still wetting her hair so I can wash her. I washed her and her hair and took her out. I dried her off and motioned her little baby body.

"Baby lotion smell so good!" I told myself. "Don't it baby! Don't it?!" I asked her poking her nose.

I got her dressed and carried her down stairs to warm her bottle up so she can eat before going to sleep.

———

"Slow down." I said adjusting the bottle in Aqua's mouth. "You betta not be doin that in public. People gon swear ion feed you." I rocked back in forth in the rocking chair until I heard the sound of the front door close and footsteps.

I looked at the clock and it read 11:35pm. I shook my head and continued rocking. His footsteps walked up the stairs and into our room. Seconds later you hear the shower running.

I was looking out the room from where the rocking chair was when I heard Aqua was done with her bottle. I took it out her mouth and she started crying again.

"Shh Shh. Come on Aqua." I said standing up. I put the bottle on her dresser and burped her.

After I was done she was still crying. I thought she was tired now so I laid her down but that didn't stop her she continued to cry. I picked her up again and held her as she cried. I didn't know what to do anymore. I feed her, bathed her, changed her, and laid her down. What else could she want?

———

It felt like an hour that Aqua's been crying and I couldn't take it anymore. I laid her in her crib and sat back in the rocking chair.

"Shit is hard." I whispered to myself. I started to cry.

I didn't know why but I did. I'm just tired of doing everything myself. I'm not a single parent and I didn't make this baby on my own. I need help. I shouldn't have to ask for it. It should already be here. I cried in my hands while Aqua cried in her crib. I got up and picked her back up, holding her to my chest. Of course that didn't stop the screams.

"Why she still crying?" Jay asked walking in with his bare chest and gray joggers and a towel on his shoulder.

"I don't know." I said blankly.

"Did you feed her?"

"Nah I just let my daughter starve. No duh I fed her. I did everything and she's still crying." After that her screams just got louder. Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably now and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Here bro." I said handing her to him. I snatched the bottle off the dresser with my phone and walked out the room. I tossed the bottle in the sink and grabbed my car keys off the table.

"Where you goin?" I heard Jay say from upstairs over Aqua's screams.

I slammed the house door shut and got in my car. I pulled out the driveway and just started driving. The windows were down. The night was quiet. I pulled up to the park. The same park I came to when my mother showed up at the house.

I put the car in park and sat there listening to the water. I wiped my face of my tears and looked out the window at the night sky. I hate crying. It's literally my last resort. But I chose to cry instead of punching Jay in the face. I connected my phone to the bluetooth and shuffled my playlist.

"Kayla Nicole : Recuperate is Now Playing" Siri said.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

I laid my head back on the headrest and let the cold air hit my face. My music turned down and I heard Siri again. Along with the sound ping of a message.

"Text from: Bighead (red heart)" My music went back to its normal volume. I picked up my phone and read the message.

Bighead❤️

Ma. I'm sorry. Come home, Aqua's knocked. I wanna talk to you. Hit me back. I love you.

In my head I was like "bitch fuck you." But I couldn't keep thinking that whether I liked it or not. I put the phone down and finished the song before putting the car back in drive.

———

I pulled back up in the garage and got out. Jay was in the kitchen when I walked in. I put my keys down and slipped my shoes off. He tried to get me to look at him but I didn't want to.

"Come here." He said grabbing my waist as I tried to walk past him. I stood in front of him with my arms crossed over my chest and looked him dead in the eyes.

"Look. I know for these past couple of months I've been on one. Not communicating, comin home late, shit like that. You don't deserve to feel this type of stress. Let me get this new shit figured out and I got us."

"You said that shit last time Jay. How many times you gon say it?"

"I promise you."

"If you fuck up one more time I'm done. I will keep Aqua and you will leave. Yes you can see her whenever you want and have her whenever you want but I will be getting your shit together and taking back to Jo'nae house." I felt his grip on my get a little tighter.

"I gotchu ma."

"I am not playin."

"I heard you."

"Don't hear me nigga listen to me."

He nodded and got up to hug me. I took in his hug. I needed it. He kissed the top of my head and squeezed me a little tighter.

"How'd you get her to go to sleep?" I asked as we walked up the stairs.

"Oh I cocked back my arm like this...and said MINK." I said mimicking how he knocked out daughter out.

"Boy bye!" I said laughing.

"Nah I'm jus playin I just played Giveon on my phone for her. Seconds later she was out like a light."

I rolled my eyes. "Spoiled ass baby."