"The only time you ever really lose love is when you choose to let it go." – Jessica Fortunato

The clock on my wristwatch continued to tick as the man took off the bandages from my hand, I sat still on the couch breathing but inside I was dead. It has been a month since the accident or should I say, since the day I lost the ability to paint. They said that time mends all kinds of pain but not in my case because time hindered my despair from fading away – time simply couldn't heal all the wounds in my heart.

"The cut is already healed but I still don't advise him to lift heavy things." James stated to my mother as if I wasn't in front of him, not that I'll listen to him anyway.

"Rest assured, James. I'm making sure he won't stress himself." Helena replied.

Right, she had been keeping a close eye on me since then. She refused to pass the duty of taking care of me on someone else, even if that someone is said to be the topnotch nurse in our country. She took complete responsibility as a mother caring for her child.

She also denied letting me be on my own ever since. I guess I lost her trust too.

The man nodded, "That's good. I'll see him before the end of the week so I could prepare him for the diagnosis and..." I distanced my senses from their discussion and chose to retreat in a dark place inside my head where hurtful things won't be able to hunt me down.

But in doing so, hollowness welcomed me with open arms instead.

How much empty can I be? I thought to myself however it was much better than feeling depressing emotions again and again. It was much better because I won't be suffering then.

"Do you agree, son?" my mother's touch on my shoulder pulled me back from my own desolation. "James, here, said that he could recommend us to a famous doctor in another country where the best therapy will be offered to you. It's not guaranteed but it couldn't hurt to go right?"

I remained still, thinking her opinion thoroughly.

"No, I'm not going." I turned down without hesitation – it wasn't because of some big reason but rather because I already knew that the result would be the same – I can feel it in my hand that I'll be carrying this kind of burden for the rest of my life and that I already accepted such an inevitable fact a month ago.

"But why, don't you want to paint again?" she asked, confused.

"Of course I want to but... I decided not to." I replied while looking nonchalant at the air.

Indeed, I decided to let go of it. I let go of the desire I had in arts and painting because I couldn't paint anymore, injured or not.

So many painful things happened to me and I guess I lost the passion as time prolonged. Losing the only man I had ever loved in this world caused a great impact in my life and this heart of mine will never be the same as before – I'll never be the same again and that the sad truth, I admit.

Helena's rueful eyes found mine and she looked like she was trying her best to act as my last pillar of strength.

But the depressing thing was, she wasn't the pillar I needed.

"I want to understand you and I want to help you, Dante, but I can't do it if you keep up this kind of attitude." she tried to sound like she was reprimanding me but failed to do so.

I looked around and did my best to not meet her stare since after all, what she said was true. I changed so much from the time I met him and up to this moment. The person I used to be before will never brood like this and definitely will never be a failure like the person I was.

The man I used to be will never fall in love as hard as this.

"I can't tell that I know how it hurts and I can't bring myself to imagine such anguish. I'll never see the kind of burden in your heart however I find it harder to see you like this, son." she reasoned out, her accent full of distress, before standing up from her seat and pacing around the room in distraught.

James sighed, "Calm down, Helena."

"Calm down only to see my only son disappearing right in front of my eyes? I can't do that, he's killing himself inside!" Helena shouted at him in grief.

The man turned to look at me but said nothing instead he just stared at me in disappointment. I didn't protest because if I was him, I'll look at myself in the same way or maybe more than that – after all, I deserved it too – there wasn't more disappointing than being hopeless beyond belief.

There wasn't more depressing than being broken beyond healing.

―

"Tell me, Dante, tell me the things I need to know." my mother implored.

The crepuscular light from the heavens concealed her beauty like a gleaming masquerade disguise, hiding the solemnness of her face. She brought me to the town square after the disagreement we had earlier in the doctor's mansion. She brought me to this crowded place because it was uplifting compare to the sad solace of my bedroom.

"Tell me the tale between you and Julian." she further said as she sat on the bench.

I sat beside her and stared in the space, "I wanted to paint him, that was what I first thought when I met him. I painted him but I also held him the same night."

"I hadn't been nice to him since then especially after I had him as my other lover. I took his unconditional love for granted and simply used him to quench my inner desires. Our secret relationship did nothing good to him, I did nothing good to him. I broke so many promises and hurt him for countless of times."

"Things turned out for the worst as I started to fall in love for him. Amelia forced herself to me hence consumed by shame and guilt, I left him thinking that it was for him but not. I left for myself."

"I left to escape the burden of our illicit relationship."

The quiet sound of wind gusting around us carried the words I said off to the distance, leaving behind the silence that emptied me through and through.

"Then what made you return? I know it wasn't because of your birthday right?" Helena asked.

Still staring in the space, "I returned because I missed him. I returned because I wanted to choose him then but I couldn't since he fell in love with someone else and he chose that person in the end. It was too late when I realized that I was in love with him. It was hard to see him being held by another in the same way I used to."

Hundreds of strangers passed by in front of my eyes and the noise of a musical parade from afar reached to me but I paid no heed to it.

My mother said nothing and I was grateful because I didn't need some useless comfort.

The buildings silhouette adorned the streets, the lingering sunlight scattered into twilight and illumed the clouds into dark ocean color – endless man-made lights lit up like bonfires in the dark.

Then I saw it, the fountain where I made my first wish.

It was the same fountain from one of my pleasant memories with him.

I could feel my heart pounding and aching at the same time as I closed my eyes and reminisced on the memory of us. I can still feel his hand on mine as he put the coin in my palm, I can still hear his serene breathing as he asked me to make a wish and I can still see the love in his eyes as he looked at me – it was such a beautiful memory.

Then again, I blinked my eyelids open to look at the fountain for the second time only to see that I was already standing in front of it.

The tranquil sound of water streaming probably lured my feet in, not that I complain.

It was the same water fountain, it was the same hour of the night and it was the same calm feeling in my chest however it was different too.

And I didn't need to remind myself why.

"Is there something in your mind?" my mother inquired me but I shook my head in denial.

I drained both my mind and heart from the sad things as I proceeded to grab a coin from my waistcoat. You make a wish with this coin and then you toss it in the fountain to make it come true. I stared at the coin, immersed in thoughts while I recalled the phrase he said to me.

It does come true but only once.

I still didn't believe in such superstitious and I didn't think I will – nonetheless here I was, standing in front of it and holding a little coin in my hand, taking chances to make a wish again.

To make a wish that will no longer be for myself, to make a wish that will no doubt hurt me more than I could ask for and to make a wish that will take my own happiness as a price – but this was the most that I can do for the man I still and will love no matter how painful it'll be to see him loving someone else.

I clenched my hand and inhaled a deep breath.

I wish for you to be happy, Julian.

I tossed the coin in the air after making a wish, keeping my eyes on it until it landed on the dense surface of the water.

The skies didn't turn dim and it didn't rain either.

"It's for him isn't it? I can tell that you made a wish and that wish was for Julian right?" she peered at my emotionless expression.

I nodded, "He ought to have it."

"I know that I was also part of the reason why you hurt him even if you don't tell me. Telling sorry and regretting it will not change anything. I'm your mother and I always want you to be happy in this world but for now, I want Julian to be happy the most since after all, I came to love him like a son too." Helena said with so much maternal affection and I couldn't help but put up a faint smile at her words.

"Thank you for loving him, dear mother." I replied.

The countless reflection lights from the shops and posts shone on the clear surface of the water, bathing the loneliness in my soul with sincere warmth. It was sincere like Julian's eyes.

―

The last trace of the sunset receded on the horizon when both my mother and I decided to go home. Our blurred shadows trailing behind us as we headed towards the road without glancing at a single shop stand although some of the merchandisers gaped at us as if we were a moving mountain of gold.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you earlier, Dante." Helena stated in regret.

"I didn't act like how a mother should, letting my emotions get over me is not an excuse either. I failed you in your times of hardship." she included.

Our attention altered all of the sudden on the cathedral of Notre Dame in front of us; the place was full of life. Different people gathered inside the church and all of them looked like they were planning and preparing for a wedding ceremony.

"Excuse me–" but then I felt someone bumped on my chest.

"I'm so sorry." I said my apology too late since stuff that seemed like a suit fell on the ground. It was then that I came to see the person I hit was actually a woman, and a pregnant woman at that.

"Good gracious! The tailor will kill me if she found out I dropped the suit." her mind was probably in disarray since she forgot both me and my mother's presence right in front of her.

Helena hummed loud enough to earn the other's attention and she did.

"Dear Lord, I'm so sorry! I hope I did nothing wrong." the woman must be dreading on the mere thought of upsetting us nobles – I understood her because most of the elites were conceited but not us – although, I found it more amusing that she was terrified of us rather than the important suit rested on the dusty ground.

My mother smiled, "Fret not."

The other returned a smile as I bent down to pick up the suit from the ground while avoiding her huge stomach; I can tell from the look of it that she'll give birth soon enough.

I handed the suit to her. "Thank you for the assistance. I'll probably excuse myself now." she nodded her farewell however my mouth decided to speak before I knew it.

"Congratulations on your wedding." I hailed her with praise.

But instead of expressing gratitude, she gaped at me like I lost a head, "Oh no, I'm not the one getting married, it's the brother of my husband."

"I see." I replied.

Then a man came out of the Cathedral and he grinned, "So did you got his suit?" he raced towards the woman before hugging her from behind. I assumed that this man was her husband.

"I did." she giggled and turned to look at us, "This is my husband Julius."

The man pointed his familiar eyes on me. It was so familiar that I thought he was...

"I'm Helena and this is my son, Dante." my mother introduced the both of us but I didn't missed the ire flashing in the man's face for a second there.

"Dante Scarfone?" Julius asked with his anger growing eminent on his tone.

I nodded however before I can see it, he punched me hard on the face that I cut my own tongue in which I bled inside my mouth. I stumbled on the ground while both the ladies stood stoned and surprised, their reactions coming too late.

"Jesus! I beg your pardon but why did you hit my son!?" Helena settled herself in front of me, protecting me from the insane man.

He hissed, "He earned it and I wanted to punch him for quite a while."

Before all of us could ask him the reason, he went on and said the words that crushed my heart more than I could imagine.

"Julian is getting married to Lucas."

I lost my breath, I lost my soul and I lost my heart – all of the hurtful feelings that I buried deep in a place where I couldn't feel it came flooding back to me and it was much worse this time because the greatest fear inside me incited – the fear of him being married to someone else and facing such fear so soon was simply far too much for me.

"They're engaged?" my mother asked.

She stared at him in disbelief however it was nothing compare to the expression painted on my face, not that I can see it but I was sure that it was full of pain and hurt. Tears started to build though I fought it with all my might.

"True. Their wedding is in four days from now." Julius rolled his eyes, not minding the fact that each word he said was like a sword in my heart.

I supposed he needed me to feel the agony in which I did and I felt so much more.

I held back a sob and stood up, "I can fathom the hatred you have for me and I deserved it because I didn't even know the brother of the man I love until now... I had been a cruel lover to him." I struggled to smile despite the apparent sadness in it.

"That's why, thank you for hurting me."

Julius looked guilt-ridden; I supposed he can feel the pain too considering that he was a man in love and loving someone so much was painful in many ways.

―

Loud noise of people laughing up to their last breath echoed from the wooden door right in front of me. I chose not to return home instead, I chose to come here while bearing the torture of knowing that the man I loved and will ever love in this lifetime was going to marry someone else.

It was such a torment in my heart.

Indecent adults drenched in smelly beer staggered out of the door while young men came in with women clinging up their arms – such an unfitting place for me.

But I needed to be here.

"Get out!" Samuel pushed a drunken old man out though he didn't fail to see me.

He said nothing but he made a face that he knew exactly why I was here outside his tavern. He sighed and disappeared inside and then not too long, the person who stole the man my heart was beating for greeted me with a hard stare.

"What do you want?" Lucas asked me in a cold voice.

"I want to speak to Julian." I almost sniffled at my own words.

He frowned before crossing his arms in his chest, "I don't know to whom you heard it but why should I let you see my fiancé? If you're here to entreat him into cancelling our marriage then it's the more reason for me to not let you speak to him. Didn't I tell you to stay away from him and didn't I tell you to not destroy the happiness he built with me?"

"Please, I want to speak to him."

I pleaded to him in desperate while holding back the cries in spite of the intense heartache in my chest.

"Please, please... I'm begging you."

Soon I began to lower my knees on the ground, still fighting the tears. It was humiliating and degrading but I could care less. I threw away my pride and dignity the second my knees touched the solid ground – I was shameless but I got nothing to lose so it didn't matter to me anymore.

He sneered, "Get up, you're disgracing me."

"I want to see him just for a minute, that's all I ask." I insisted.

Lucas shook his head in firm denial before turning his back to me and at that same moment, I started to lose it that I let out the cries I had been holding back from the Cathedral.

I bellowed in misery and chose to lower my head on the same ground too. I rested my head after placing my hands on the dirt, the respect I had for myself was far too gone as I pleaded to him like a beggar and I was.

I was a beggar begging to see the man we both loved.

Please take away everything from me. Take my money, take my status and take even my own life too. I'm asking and I'm begging you to take everything from me but not Julian, please not him.

I'm begging you to love and marry someone else but not the one I love.

I suppressed the words I wanted so much to say because I knew it was too late for that also, everything was far too late. He made Julian fall out of love in me and I can't blame him because it was my fault in the beginning – but still and all, here I was, on my knees and head, begging him to let me see the man I love for the last time before he can make him his husband for life.

"I'm giving him up to you." I bawled in my own pain.

―

"I can't make him smile like how you do and I can't give him the happiness that only you can offer to him. I'm giving up my own happiness for his." each single word I said stung my soul bitterly.

"I promise that I'll stay away from him from now on."

"So please... let me be with him for one last time." I pleaded a sad request to him as I continued to cry on the ground, not minding the pitiful look that strangers sent at me from behind and the disgust from the men inside as if I was a pathetic loser begging for a room to stay in for the night here in the tavern.

I heard someone walked out of the door which was followed by a gasp.

"Dante?" the genuine voice called to me and my heart leaped knowing who it was. I lifted my head up to see the gorgeous pianist who still and will own my heart for eternity.

"What are you doing?" Julian asked, concerned.

I stood up as I rubbed the tears away from my face. I put up a disguise smile to hide the sadness away because after all, I didn't want him to feel the same pain I had deep in me.

"Nothing, I just fell." I lied.

He stared at me dumbfounded but he didn't insist to know the truth, that I was glad because I didn't need him knowing that I pleaded the man he'll marry for me to see him.

"Can I be with you for one day?" one last day...

I spared a glance at Lucas after asking Julian, because after all, I promised him that I'll stay away from his fiancé and that I'll keep no matter how painful it could be. Julian looked at him and it broke my heart to see the pure love in them, the love that will never be mine again.

Lucas nodded before claiming his lips in front of my eyes.

It broke me and I didn't need to describe how.