“Sometimes the hardest part of being in love is that you never know which part of you would break apart; your mind, your heart, your soul or your physical self.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

“Please make love to me, Lucas.”

The man on top of me put up the sincerest smile I had ever seen and it made my heart race knowing that I was the cause of such look. He caressed my face with so much care that I always yearned from someone, and finally I found it.

“I will, Julian. I will show you how much I love you.”

Lucas pressed his soft lips to mine and I could feel my soul being taken away from me along with my breath but the mere sensation kindled my heart with delight – his kiss aroused me so well that every part of me was reacting with passion – above all, I felt truly loved.

He hauled me up on my knees, settling himself in between my legs and never letting go of my lips for a single moment as he began to explore my body with his kind hands.

Desire ignited inside me. I reached to his broad shoulders before gently sliding off his bathrobe and letting it hung behind his back, his skin scorched hot against my touch and I wanted to feel that heat on my body and so inside me too.

“I want to feel you.” I breathed in his lips.

He groaned in response before starting to kiss me roughly – his tongue invading my mouth like a provoked beast and his hands crawled underneath my shirt before clawing my back as if he wanted to leave a mark that would claimed me as his and only his – and that I found quite arousing.

I moaned a little as I felt him scraping my back with his nails and I wanted more.

I pulled back and his lustful eyes met mine, mirroring my own at the same time – then his hands snaked in between us and I studied his fingers intently as they began to undo the buttons of my shirt up to the last one, I watched them with growing anticipation in my heart.

Soon my chest was bared for him to see and he didn’t waste the chance to trail his finger from my neck down to my navel, and I certainly shivered at his touch.

He pushed me back down on the bed before assaulting my neck with his lips. I squirmed under him as he searched for the spot that will make me begging for more in which he did passionately.

I moaned again, feeling the excitement building in my pants and I trembled with need when his lips traced down to one of my tender nipples while the other one was in the grace of his fingers; he pinched, licked, bit and ravished them to his heart’s content until they were hard.

Lucas traveled much lower, his lips stopping at the belt before looking up to me.

“Please...” I pleaded, desperate to free my manhood from its burdening restraint. He teased me with a smirk for a long torturing minute until I was shaking eminently under his mercy. “Please... please take me, Lucas.”

“I love you, Julian.” he inhaled a deep breath after discarding my belt.

Then he stripped me of my trousers and before I knew it, he took me in his mouth. The warmth of his cavern, the suppleness of his tongue and the hardness of his teeth grinding against my length was pure ecstasy to me that I couldn’t do anything other than moaned helplessly under my lover’s embrace.

However the pleasure intensified when a finger rubbed my rear area before entering me.

Breath after breath escaped my lungs in erratic pace and beads of sweats ran on each side of my temples but nothing of that could describe how much indulged I was in my own sensual haven.

I writhed on the bed after he added the third finger inside me, his mouth still in my length, “Lucas, let go... I’m...” I didn’t manage to finish my words when I reached my release and I moaned out loud from the brim of my bliss.

His tongue fondled my length for the last time as he swallowed my seed, leaving nothing to waste. He kissed the tip before sitting up and I watched him take off his bathrobe – throwing it on the cold floor – he stared at me with his chestnut eyes igniting with fascination and love.

And I stared back at him the same.

Those fine body muscles of him appeared in their magnificence in front of me and I felt my body aching to feel them. He held both my legs and proceeded to spread them wide apart but then, somehow, a sudden thought clouded my self-confidence and I struggled to fight it.

He noticed my discomfort, “What’s wrong, Julian?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry because I’m not... no it just that I am no longer untouched.” I blushed red considering that I couldn’t tell him straight that I was no longer a chaste virgin man, and that I had already given it to someone else and the said someone was the one he was jealous of.

I had nothing to give him on our first sexual intercourse.

Though, my depressing thoughts ceased when he captured my lips in one comforting kiss.

Lucas smiled at me genuinely, “I will make love to you and that’s all that matters.”

He silenced us together with another deep kiss soon after and it deepened even more as his hard length pierced through my entrance. It hurt as if something was tearing my insides in half however I endured it while biting his lips harsh in the process, nonetheless neither of us complain.

Tears slipped past my eyes but he kissed it away.

He remained still, letting me adjust first as he placed a blanket over our waist and leaning down to set his perspired forehead against mine.

“I love you, Lucas.” I smiled barely, still bearing the pain.

He rested his arms on both side of my head as he began to move, his manhood easing out of me gradually before plunging back in one powerful thrust which had definitely caught me off guard and I clung to him in haste – his thrusts soon picked up a speed.

―

The candlelight was still lit, giving us enough light to see each other. Loud moans and groans blended on the erotic sound of our naked skins slapping together and the bed frame creaking underneath the two of us, the room was filled with so much passion that it felt like my body was set afire in hot blistering flames.

“Lucas...” I whimpered his name as I burst my third release for the night and so did he.

He buried his fluids deep inside me while moaning my name however our consummation wasn’t ending soon caused he descended one of his hand in between us before grabbing a hold of my manhood again in which he gave another incredible stroke that I was aroused once more before long.

Lucas bit my earlobe, “It feels amazing... you feel amazing.”

He thrust on that place inside once again thus sending me high and elated on my own euphoria.

I arched my back and threw my head on the pillow as he continued to thrust profoundly inside me, sinking himself into the deepest depths that only someone could reach before.

He held my hands in a firm grip above my head after letting go of my length and he assaulted both my neck and chest again with hundreds of kisses – obviously leaving me marks all over but I protested not – in fact, it just amplified the desire I had in my heart.

Then he licked my throat upwards before kissing me intensely on the lips as he quickened and hardened his already hustle thrusts, hence sending me further into carnal madness.

“I... I can’t... anymore...” I shuddered, feeling the pleasure build up again inside my tired body – my head spinning in odd directions and blood rushing in and out of my heart – not too long, I let out my release while moaning his name out loud.

“Julian.” he gripped my hands as he filled me inside again, he groaned satiated.

I stared daze at the dark ceiling, feeling both drained and pleased as my lover collapsed on top of my stained stomach before embracing me gently with his sweating arms and so did I.

Lucas slid himself out of me, “Do you feel it, can you feel how much I love you tonight?” he raised his head before looking deep in my eyes – he caressed my face again just like how he did earlier this night and likewise, it made me feel cherished.

“I do, I love you, Lucas.” I smiled at him in dearest.

For the first time in my life, I was feeling safe and my chest was free from the uneasiness that I always feel whenever Dante held me close. For once I was not scared anymore.

I was not scared of my heart breaking in the morning and the countless mornings ahead.

―

Half an hour ago...

The ambiance of the cold midnight welcomed me the second I blinked my eyes open, the serene silence roamed in the air and I knew by then that I was alone – this loneliness always the first to remind me that this was another day of my suffering, another day of my life without the man I love the most.

I took off the towel from my head before sitting up on the bed and like I had assumed, he was no longer by my side and here I thought he’ll stay with me for the rest of the night.

I was, indeed, pathetic to even desire for that when I knew well that he had a reason not to.

Hurt immediately crushed my heart and it was because of my own thoughts, I cursed myself mentally as I stood up from the bed shirtless. Then I realized that my trousers were still damped from the rain and I noted to myself to apologize later to Julian for ruining his bed sheets.

I searched for a change of clothes when I casted my eyes on the clean pair of pants laid on the edge of the bed and judging by the measurement, I knew it will fit me well.

I undressed myself of my lower garments before pulling on the clean one and I was right, it fitted me – the comfortable cloth embraced my legs, thighs and waist perfectly even without the belt to secure it – I tugged the zipper up to ensure the fitness of the pants.

Should I leave the room? I thought to myself.

But what if he was sleeping at this hour? I guessed I should stay here however my stomach suddenly grumbled in hunger, I sighed knowing I had no choice.

Besides, Julian wouldn’t want me to miss a meal if he was here especially since I just had a fever an hour ago or so. Thus with that in mind, I retired myself from the room and the dull but familiar corridor greeted me – again I was alone.

I was about to go towards the staircase when I heard a noise from the room in front of me.

The door was parted a little bit, letting me know that it was unlocked and someone was inside the room. I hope he is awake so I can ask him to eat dinner with me. I smiled faintly at the mere thought of it however the little smile in my face diminished when I slanted the door and peered through inside.

The scene I saw was what killed my defenseless heart.

On the bed was Lucas, his slumped nude back facing my direction as he rocked himself back and forth in a beautiful slow motion, with the blanket draped around his waist and under him was the love of my life. Julian rested his head on the other’s shoulder as he clung to him – both of them were entwined in one another and making love together, he was making love passionately to another man – the scene itself was killing me thoroughly.

Heartbroken, I closed the door silently and led myself downstairs.

I stood motionless, my hands trembling and my heart slamming violently against my rib cage so much it hurt. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream and I couldn’t do anything to soothe the pain.

I couldn’t accept it at all.

“I see you’re already awake, child.” someone called to me and I looked up to see my beloved’s adopted father preparing the barroom for the next morning. He gestured me to sit down on the bar stool in which I did speechless.

“Do you want something to eat?” he inquired in a stern voice.

I simply glanced at the blank space and no longer hungry, also not knowing what to do and not knowing what to think, it was like both my mind and heart were still struggling to accept it.

Mr. Gustav grunted, “I’m not trying to be nice here because I want to gut you like a fish for hurting my boy however... as much as I desire to, I can’t, not with that kind of defeated look in your face.” he surrendered with a sigh before he continued to prepare the champagnes.

“Can I have one? I don’t care which... just a wine will do please.” I asked distressed.

The man then handed me a single bottle, “I need three bottles or more.” I requested for more and he stared at me for the longest time, probably having a second thought if he should heed on my plea although he later did afterwards.

I took the four bottles of cheap champagnes after nodding my thanks to him, and climbed up the staircase before heading back towards the bedroom I occupied a while ago.

Soon the same cold ambiance of the room hailed my presence upon closing the door behind me and I settled myself on the floor with my back against the solid surface of the door – I placed the other champagnes beside me as I proceeded to open one – the loneliness was subduing me again this time.

The loud moans from the other room echoed through here and it was rupturing my inner self ugly.

I hastily downed myself with the wine and it was then that tears began to sting my eyes. The cruel truth was now sinking into me slowly and of course, it was killing me with so much pain it was unbearable.

Lucas is making love to him. I started to cry in despair, unable to accept it.

I can’t imagine how his hands were touching my beloved’s beautiful body and how his lips were kissing my beloved’s soft ones. I can’t imagine how he was holding Julian close on that bed tonight, I can’t bring both my mind and my heart to imagine it – it was ripping me apart again and again.

I drank the rest of the wine miserably until I was almost choking, spilling some of the liquid content to my naked chest.

I wanted to drown my heart in an ocean of wine because it was the only way to stop the pain then.

It was too much for me to endure.

―

The sour taste of the cheap wine numbed my tongue but I wanted more, more and more so I could numb my throbbing heart too. It also stirred my stomach but it wasn’t as searing as the endless heartache inside me.

It was my last bottle of champagne but the heartrending ache was still there and I cussed my high tolerance for alcohol.

Please I’ll do anything just take this pain away, I can’t bear it!

I bawled in agony as I gripped my hair harshly, trying my best to hurt myself so I could erase the torment deep inside me. I bit my lips hard it bled, just so I could prevent the scream that was demanding to be free from the bottom of my lungs – I was not strong enough to take the pain.

The emptied bottles rolled near my legs and I wanted to throw them across the room however I hindered myself from doing so because I didn’t want Julian to see me wasted like this.

I didn’t want him to see me weak and vulnerable.

I felt broken, I felt devastated like a man who lost everything and I was. Of all the precious things I had in this world, I had to lose the one and only thing that I didn’t want to lose more than anything else in this world, I lost the man my heart was beating for.

I lost the man who was the center of my universe. I lost Julian.

There is nothing left. I sobbed more as my throat burned hot at the aftertaste of the bitter wine and at the hushed cries I had been holding back since then.

There is nothing left for me to hold on. What can I possibly hold when his trust for me is gone and his love is slipping away from my hands? There is nothing for me to make it alright and nothing for me to make him fall in love with me again.

It was absolutely too late for me. I lamented at the thought as I finished the last bottle of cheap wine while shedding more sorrowful tears.

No matter how I see it – I no longer had a chance to mend our broken relationship.

It was hopeless. I was hopeless.

Things were already beyond my grasp and I was just deluding myself into thinking that I can do it with just pure determination, and where did I end up? Too much hope fooled me.

“I can’t take it... I want to give up... but.” I cried painfully. This burdening grief was unbearable for me and I knew that there was nothing for me to do.

What else can I do? Painting my love for him, being there for him and telling him that I love him – sure it was enough to prove the sincerity and the honesty of my feelings but then it wasn’t enough for Julian to choose me, it wasn’t enough for him to love me again like before.

It was all I can do and it was all useless efforts in the end.

Frustrated and exhausted, I smeared the tears clean as I tried to stand up from the floor only to lose balance right away and falling onto my knees. The bottles drifted all around me and it made my vision spin like vertigo – the wine must be starting to engulf my senses however I ignored my pitiful self.

I forced my legs to stand upright as I gathered my clothes from yesterday, pulling the shirt and shoes on before collecting the emptied bottles, and then disappearing to the corridor after that.

―

As soon as climbed down the stairs, the morning sunlight from all the open windows blinded my sore eyes. Though even with that, I came to see Lucas and he had happiness painted in his face so clearly it mauled my heart with its sharp teeth.

He was busy arranging the chairs and tables when he noticed me.

“Oh.... it’s just you, well it’s nice to see you alive.” he bemused, his smile fading from his lips before he returned on arranging the things around the dining hall.

I said nothing and simply looked for Mr. Gustav so I could return and pay for the champagne bottles however he was nowhere to be seen hence I decided to wait at the bar counter.

I placed down the bottles and sat in one of the bar stool, “Is Mr. Gustav asleep?” I asked if the adult man was indeed asleep because if he was, then I didn’t have a reason to stay any minute longer moreover since I still didn’t want Julian to see me like this.

“No, he left to shop at the marketplace.” I heard him replied.

I groaned, “Is that so? Then tell him I’ll pay for the drinks on my next visit.” I stood up from the seat hurriedly despite the tiredness and lightheadedness.

“Not telling goodbye to my lover, he took care of you and you’re just leaving without a word?” he said the word my lover in emphasis.

“It’s fine... besides, I’m still not feeling alright.” I don’t think I can look at Julian in the eyes knowing that he slept with you. I can’t look at him because I’m scared to see the little love he has for me now forever gone in his heart.

Feeling dismayed of my own thoughts again, I chose to take my leave and walked to the door when a hand grabbed my arm.

I spun around only to meet a cold pair of eyes piercing straight at mine and even though his expression rendered emotionless, his grip on me was cold and strong. But then I noticed a red bruise just beneath his Adam’s apple and obviously, it tore my already mutilated heart more.

Lucas mouthed to me grimly, “I want you to stay away from Julian.”

“I want you to stop trying to win him because he is happy with the life he has now with me. If you really love him and care for him then you should know best to let him be.” he added.