“I wonder if I could take back every ‘I love you’ ever said to you, would I do it?” – Faraaz Kazi

“I am here because I promised to be here. I promised you, Julian” he replied, smiling still.

Dante stood there drenched in his own clothes and his hair was a mess but his blue eyes stared at me so enrapturing that it punctured my heart with hurt, and it hurt more to know that he was here just like how he promised me.

He held onto his promise just like he said he would.

I stood stunned, not knowing what to say however I noticed his unsteady breathing and shaking legs that I reached up to touch his forehead.

Then it hit me, “Oh my god, Dante, you’re burning! What are you doing here outside!?” I realized in horror after feeling the awful temperature he had, his saturated body continued to tremble in front of me as he tried to stand upright on his feet.

“It’s nothing to worry about. I’m alright.” he smiled faintly.

“I came here to keep my promise so please don’t fret. I’ll leave if it’ll pleased you.” he turned on his heels and struggled to walk straight but only to fall on his knees a moment later.

And I panicked inside that I immediately came to his side to help him, “So fool of you to pretend like you’re alright.” I reprimanded, bothered also, as I undressed myself of my black jacket suit before draping it on his still shuddering body.

“Lucas, can we bring him back to our place please?” I pleaded to my lover.

He glanced to the man in my arms before looking back to me with a single nod, “Sure.”

“No need to.” the stubborn man tried to stand up again only to failed the second time and Lucas hauled him up before assisting him on his feet, letting the other’s arm hang on the back of his neck to support his body weight. I didn’t waste a second from searching for a horse carriage to take us back to the tavern and gladly I managed to find one.

I climbed in the quarters first before Dante so I could pulled the frail man into my arms in which I did without a second thought and my lover followed suit after us but with a firm expression on him that I can’t seem to describe, soon the carriage took off.

The rain had long died and only the cold humid remained.

I felt the body in my arms trembled and I couldn’t help but be upset for this man. Why did you come, Dante? Why are you doing this to yourself? I thought as I looked down on the handsome face laid on my lap, my hand brushing the damped hair gently away from his forehead.

Why are you making this harder for me, Dante?

I was distraught of course but I was more worried that it broke my heart to see him like this, to see him this so vulnerable. It broke me terribly to see him suffering so much just so he could prove himself to me – he was suffering because of me.

“I am so pathetic. I sacrificed my job opportunity to keep my promise only to end up outside and hopeless in the middle of the rain, so pathetic of me.” he mused as he buried his face on my thighs.

Two hours passed by and the carriage finally stopped in front of our tavern, Lucas retired first from the Coach before assisting Dante again on his feet.

“Take him into my room.” I asked him as soon as we headed towards the entrance after I paid the horseman.

Sam greeted us on the door and was about to congratulate me when he saw the ill man with us. “He’ll stay for the night so can you cook a soup for him?” I asked while removing my shoes.

“I thought that you chose to move on and to give yourself a chance to be happy with someone else so why is it the rich kid is here? I thought you had enough of getting hurt, Julian?” my old man frowned, still glancing at the nobleman who was being led upstairs by my lover.

I sighed, “It doesn’t mean anything, Sam. I am just helping a sick person and nothing more.” I paced to the barroom to search for a clean cloth and a basin or bowl to contain lukewarm water, with my foster father trailing behind me.

“Fine. I was just asking because I don’t want you mopping the floor again and looking sullen, I don’t want you crying again like before.” he rubbed the nape of his neck.

He soon dismissed his concerns for me before disappearing to our food storage room next to the staircase. Then I started gathering and preparing the necessities I need to use to treat the ill man and I climbed up the stairs after the minute I was done, not sparing any time longer since his fever might get worse if I did.

I strode carefully on the corridor as to not spill the warm water until I reached the last door on the right which was my bedroom.

The door was already wide open so I entered right away and I saw the collapsed man resting on top of the comfortable mattress with my lover standing beside the single bed, waiting for me.

Lucas looked up to me and I smiled at him, “Thank you, Lucas.” I placed the necessities on the nearby wooden night table.

“Do you want me to help you?” he asked however I shook my head in refusal.

“No I can manage this myself.” I replied.

But then he had this same tight expression on his face again that I can’t still put into words and he left the room, closing the door behind him without saying anything, before I could even ask him if something was wrong. Not knowing what to understand, I simply turned my attention on the fool man on the bed.

―

I sat on the bedside, taking the clean fabric of cloth and dousing it in the sterile water before placing it on top of his forehead.

Dante stirred and blinked his eyes open to see me, “I’m sorry, Julian. I’m so sorry for not being able to see your performance, truly I am.” he murmured with his deep voice rasping.

Though, I said nothing.

He laid there limp as I proceeded to douse another cloth to cleanse his body. I shifted and leaned closer to him before discarding both my jacket suit and his coat, and then undoing his soaked shirt’s buttons so he won’t feel cold – somehow I found it hard being this so close to him.

Upon disrobing him of all his upper clothes, I began to scrub his body clean.

“Tell me...” he breathed, “...what should I do for you to trust me again?” he said in a low whisper.

I stared at him for the longest time, “I’m in love with Lucas.”

“That’s not what I asked.” he smiled barely.

“I know but I am telling you that because I want you to let go, it’s time to let go of our past. Please stop this foolishness because it’s torturing the both of us. If you really love me then please let me be, I am moving on and I am happy with him so please let me go Dante.” I reasoned and pain flashed in eyes but he pretended like it wasn’t there.

He smiled still, “I am still painting my love for you.”

Pain sent tremor in my heart when he said it that I just ignored him – I wanted him to give up trying because I chose to let go of him and I chose to love Lucas more than him after all.

I returned on cleaning his body while not looking at his intense eyes that was staring right at me.

Then a knock disrupted my focus and I looked past my shoulder to see the door creaking open, my adopted father walking in while carrying a wooden tray and a bowl of hot soup with him. I placed the doused cloth down and stood up from the bedside to take the tray from him.

“Thank you.” I thanked him but Sam eyed me only.

It was as if he was debating on a word to tell me while looking back and forth from me and the still sick nobleman on the bed, perhaps my old man wanted to remind me that I was supposed to treat the other back to health and not to fall in love with him instead – that I understood very well.

He closed the door behind him and I took it as a cue to sit back again on the bed.

Placing the wooden tray on my lap, I turned to the man. “I brought you soup.” I said as I gestured him to sit up in which he did with a little difficulty.

Dante studied me eminently as I blew the soup cool after taking a spoonful of it and I proceeded to feed him, his lips pressing on the spoon and my heart tinged with desire when the silverware slid out of his lips smoothly with ease – it incited desire that I had long forgotten.

It was the desire to kiss him.

I pushed my stupid thoughts to the back of my head as I took another spoonful of soup.

He was still staring at my blowing lips, “I want to kiss you, Julian.” I paused at his words and in some way or another, it made my desire spurred again in my chest and I resisted greatly.

“I am not giving in on your words.” I went back on cooling the soup before feeding him again.

He said nothing afterwards much to my delight and I continued feeding him until he finished the whole soup before helping him back on the bed later on. Time gone by in an instant and soon I was done tending to his body but he went to grab my hand before I could even stand up.

“Please stay for a while.” he requested.

I grimaced, “Lucas is waiting for me and you need to sleep for your fever to go down.” I argued to him but he refused to let go of my hand much to my dismay.

“It’s hard to sleep without you next to me so please.” he begged, his weak hand gripping mine.

He continued to stare at me lovingly with his blue eyes despite the evident sorrow in it and I wanted to look away but I couldn’t because something about that sadness held me in imprisonment.

“I love you.” Dante mouthed but bitterness only burned in me.

“I waited so long to hear it from you... I waited and hoped that one day, you’ll come to love me too but I don’t know if I should be happy hearing it now. If only you had come to love me sooner then I might have... but it’s too late, it’s too late to make me fall in love with you.” I wanted to free my hand but I found myself unable to.

Tears clouded his orbs but he held it back as he kissed my hand.

“No it’s not because somewhere in your heart, I know that you still love me. I am holding onto that and as long as it’s still there, even a little bit and no matter how small it is compare to his, then I am not giving up.” he said before kissing my hand again and again.

I could only smile sadly at him, “I’ll stay here so please go to sleep, Dante.”

He heeded and closed his eyes after rubbing the tears away while still holding my hand in his, intertwining our fingers together that only made my soul sting with more desires and all of them were coming back to me at once.

Still and all, it upset me.

If you didn’t come and keep your promise then I won’t be feeling like this. I thought to myself as I watched him falling deeper into his sleep, still smiling sadly at him.

―

He was so peaceful slumbering like this – no smiling in disguise, no hurt smearing in his eyes and no tears falling down his cheeks – he simply laid beside me still, his breathing in a calm cadence and his tender hand not letting go of mine in which I submitted myself to.

I love you.

Pain pounded in my heart as I thought of those three little words, words that carried immense importance to me because it was what would fulfill my unrequited love.

And it fulfilled me but it was tearing me apart too.

I delved my attention to the sleeping man next to me, his face painted in serenity and it tempted my hand to caress his features softly.

Then my silver eyes traced on his lips, “I’m still not giving on your words however... I think I already did.” I whispered before leaning in and pressing my lips to his.

Tears trailed down my cheeks the moment our lips touched and the sensation was ripping my chest into pieces, although it roused happiness in my heart because finally I felt complete after so long – his love for me was like the missing piece in my puzzle and I found it at last.

But this happiness casted despair in my heart also.

“I hate you for doing this to me but I hate myself more, I despise myself for not being able to forget about you. It’s hard to do it when you’re always coming to me, trying to prove yourself and telling me that you love me. I wish you could just go away, away from me... because it’ll be easier for me to move on then.” I said in silent cries.

It amplified the pain in me when my heart started to beat in which I knew why, and it was breaking me in half again.

Distraught, I released my hand from his grip and stood up from the bed while wiping the tears with my shirt sleeve. I shifted towards my closet and grabbed a pair of trousers, which I supposed will fit him, before placing it on the edge of the bed for him to change later on when he wakes up.

With no reason to stay any longer, I decided to leave and motioned to the door but I sent one last glance on the still sleeping nobleman before I could turn the doorknob around.

“I don’t want to trust you because it’s only the way I won’t fall for you again, I’m sorry Dante.”

―

I closed the door behind me once I stepped back on the familiar corridor. Lucas, his name echoed inside my head and of course, my chest constricted knowing that I still couldn’t forget the man I used to love before him – I couldn’t forget my first love.

Inhaling a deep breath, I paced to the door right across my bedroom and I opened it antsy.

“Lucas?” I asked though no one answered, nonetheless I still entered. The dim candle light on top of a night table loomed most amidst the darkness that encased the entire room, but it gave me enough light to see the bed and the furniture.

The door of the bathroom was slightly open, light peeking out of the door frame, and I immediately assumed that he must be taking a midnight bath.

I sat down on the bed and used the time to wait for him to finish. On the other hand, my mind drifted back on the kiss I had with Dante and likewise, it didn’t failed to rupture me again and again that my past heartbreak seemed lenient compare to this.

I am in love with Lucas. I thought to remind myself as to whom I belonged to however and somehow it didn’t help stop the loud beating that resonated within me.

The bathroom door slanted open and Lucas came out in his simple bathrobe before long.

He noticed me in the room but said nothing before ignoring me in which hurled anguish in me, nevertheless he continued to ignore me for a displeasing five minutes until I chose to break the depressing silence that was lingering in the distance between us.

I bit my lower lip, “Is something wrong, Lucas?” I inquired timidly and anxiously since I had no idea why he was ignoring me in the first place.

“No.” he took a neat towel and moved on to dry his damped dark ebony hair.

“Then why are you ignoring me?”

“How about you, why are you ignoring me a while ago?” he looked at me blunt in the eyes.

“Huh? I’m not ignoring you-”

“Yes you are. Tell me if I was in his place, would you take care of me too?” he grunted, somewhat frustrated at me for a reason still unknown to me.

I furrowed my eyebrows, “Of course, I would take care of you too. Is this the reason why you are ignoring me for more than a minute? And why are you even thinking something like that-”

“It’s because I’m jealous!” Lucas groaned. “It gave me a sour feeling when I saw how worried you are to him and it made me wonder if you would be like that if I was in his place but I doubt it. I’m jealous because I know how much you used to love him and I can’t help but think you still do.” he rattled on with his face contorted in a painful expression and it crushed me underneath.

True. He had a reason to be jealous because he was there when the other betrayed me, he was there when the other left me and moreover he was there when I was waiting for the other to come back – he was there all along so he understood.

He understood that a part of me was still holding to the other man.

And it hurt me to realize that he understood it all this time even after I chose him instead of that man. I stood up from my bed and raced to my lover before embracing him tightly, his still damped hair brushing my head.

“I love you Lucas and I chose you remember?” I buried my face to his shoulder.

“I know but to be honest, I never once heard from your mouth that you love me more than him so I always feared that you will have a change of heart especially now that he loves you too.” his heart pulsed against my chest as he held me in a tight embrace too.

That was true also and I didn’t even realize much to my dismay.

I love you more than Dante. In some way, I couldn’t bring myself to speak it and the mere thought of that phrase brought agony deep inside my heart and I loathed myself for it.

I couldn’t be faithful to my love even with words and here I just kissed the other earlier ago.

―

Pulling him much closer to me, I looked up to him before colliding my lips to his own in haste and he responded to the kiss as he plunged his hot tongue inside my mouth to taste me deep and soon his saliva melded with mine in a perfect blend.

I parted first, “I promised you that I am and will be only yours, Lucas.”

Lucas smiled subtly, his smile being illuminated by the candlelight, just as he captured my lips in a heartbeat and he lifted me up from my feet before holding my legs to his side while he carried me to back to his bed.

He pushed the both of us down, my back hitting the supple surface of the bed as he continued to kiss me passionately in the lips. I hung my arms on his shoulders while his hands wandered on my body and I let him be despite the stabbing feeling on my chest.

“I love you, Julian. I don’t know what I’ll do if you chose to leave me.” he said after he leaned back to look at me in an intense gaze.

“I love you too and I’ll never leave you.” I replied.

He dove again for another heated kiss until I felt his hands going under my shirt and caressing me intimately that I broke our kiss, hesitant of his need.

He stared at me saddened, “Forgive me, I know you are still not ready to give yourself to me right? I understand and I am willing to wait for that.” he stated in a rather dejected tone like not only my heart still held to the other but also my body.

And again, it tormented me further.

I don’t want to be like this forever, to have both my heart and my body calling for Dante. I won’t be able to forget him if memories of him are still imprinted in my mind, in my soul and all of me. I can’t move on if my love for him is still buried deep inside me.

I can’t love Lucas whole if I don’t give myself to him whole.

There was this heartrending ache thumping from the back of my heart but I paid no more heed, the nobleman’s name was starting to dwell inside my mind but I forced it behind my consciousness.

“No, you’ve waited long enough, Lucas.” I shook my head in denial to his words.

He sat up but I pulled him back to me again by the arm before resuming our heated kiss a minute ago, and I felt his lips curled into smile as he held me tenderly in his arms – his serene heartbeats speeding up along with mine that I could no longer feel the aching woe and I could no longer hear the other’s name in my head.

I could only think of Lucas and no one else.