“True love is not all of the beautiful words you say but all of the ways you find to show it.” – Anonymous

The large entrance door of a noble mansion hailed my presence as I stood still in front of it with my heart beating relentlessly at its grace, I was nervous. The uncertainty in my face was clearly reflected on the glossy surface of the gold door handle and it was causing me to hesitate.

But I must do this because it won’t feel right if I don’t.

Inhaling a deep breath, I proceeded to knock on the wooden door and a maid answered it not too long. “Welcome, Sir Julian.” Emily greeted me and I nodded in return.

“I’m here to see Sir and Madam,” I stated the reason for my visit while searching around the room in hope that Dante was not here since I didn’t have a reason to see him.

“They are in the guest room.” she replied, and then she gestured me to come with her hence I abode.

The interior of this manor was completely adorned in aristocracy from the ceiling, wall textures and down to the refined furniture and decorations in which it only shows the huge difference of their wealthy lifestyle from a commoner like me and of course, it hit the reality right at my face.

The reality of him being born an elite and I was not.

Even though I was not bothered by important things like status and such before, however everything changed and those high standards of his were what caused me to lose my confidence and self-esteem as an individual – thus I was no longer an optimistic person like how I used to be.

After all there was no way a famous rich man will fall in love with an ordinary poor man.

This was not a fairy tale where dreams do come true and I just have to believe in it. No it was not like that.

I love you, Julian. I really do.

Lies. I want to believe them as his lies because it will only hurt me again if I don’t. I want to believe that he was only saying that because of his remorse and conscience. I simply want to believe it as his mistake because I was already tired of this painful unrequited love – I was tired of loving him.

The sound of people talking drifted me from my trance and here I was faced again in front of another door.

Emily soon knocked and opened it. “Please excuse us. Sir Julian is here to see you.” she bowed her head in respect.

Upon entering the guest room; I was stunned to see Sir Arthur with his wife Madam Helena and their son Dante, much to my dismay, and also Sir Marcus who was sitting decently on a couch across them because nonetheless I was not ready to face the father of the woman whom I deceived by having an affair with her man.

Dante lit up a smile after seeing me.

“Oh... I am glad that you can join us, young man, we were just talking about you.” the dirty blonde man stared at me for a second before calling to my attention with a deep but potent voice and it intensified the shame I bear within me.

I gulped, “I am here to apologize...” before I could finish my sentence, Sir Marcus interrupted me with a hand.

“It is impolite to talk from a distance, please know some manners so sit.” he explained in disdain as he pointed on the seat next to him – he made me feel insecure.

Nevertheless I nodded in mute response before taking the empty seat beside him, my body becoming rigid and my posture tensing.

“Please don’t be harsh on him, Marcus, because he is not at fault, my son is.” I heard Madam Helena sighed and I was unable to picture her expression since I couldn’t even lift my head up because of the pressure I can feel from the pair of sharp eyes directed straight at my side.

“He may not be but still, he is part of the fault.” the man replied.

“So, Mr. Hartwell...” my breath lost when he decided to call me by my last name. “Is there something you want to say perhaps?” he asked me.

I bit my lower lip, “I am sorry for all the humiliation I caused because of my foolishness. I don’t have reason to justify myself so I am prepared for any consequences you may give me since this is all I can do for you to forgive me.” I replied guilt-ridden.

“It’s not your fault, Julian. Besides, my wife and I don’t blame you for everything.” Sir Arthur spoke and I looked up to see him smiling and it confused me.

However I shook my head in denial, “It is my fault too because I agreed to be his affair.”

“True, because things would be different if you didn’t.” Sir Marcus corresponded with me. “I wonder, was it also my fault that I introduce you to my daughter and her fiancé that night?” he said in emphasis as he crossed his legs.

“No it is not.” I lowered my head in defeat.

Dante decided to intervene, “Enough of the blame, Sir Marcus. It is me whom you should blame since it all started from me and I won’t complain you from doing so but please not Julian. He only loved me and he did no harm to anyone.”

“I know that well however he still chose to love you, knowing that you are already an engaged man.” he scoffed.

The dirty blonde man leaned his back on the couch. “I’m not angry. I just cannot accept the fact that you chose to have an affair with him of all people – you chose another man. I could tolerate if it was a woman but it wasn’t even.” he reasoned.

“I’m really sorry.” I mumbled sincerely as I turned to look at him with honest eyes to let him know that I meant the words I said.

Sir Marcus met my stare and I could tell that he believes on my apology at the very least, then he stood up from his seat soon after. “I am not cruel as to hold a grudge but if you can stay away from me and my daughter, I might forgive you then.”

“It’s the least you can do for us.” He spun on his heels before heading towards the door, his hand landing on the doorknob.

“I promise and thank you, Sir Marcus.” I curled a fragile smile.

―

Silence lured me in my own anxiety as I sat across the parents of the man whom I had an affair with. Although they said that they didn’t blame me, still and all, dishonor tainted their name and it was all because of my stupid unrequited love.

“I want to thank you, Julian.” Madam Helena said all of a sudden.

“I want to thank you for loving my son despite the unfair circumstances. It’s painful to be someone’s affair especially when you love that someone so much and that’s why I admire you, because you still loved him knowing you will be hurt more than anyone else in the end.”

She smiled at me sweetly. “I am glad that he met someone like you.”

Not knowing what to say to her complimenting words, I just stood up ready to leave. “I’m sorry for imposing at the wrong time. I’ll come back on another day.” I turned around and was about to walk away when a hand grabbed my arm in a delicate grip.

“Please don’t walk away yet, Julian.” Dante pleaded.

His parents took it as a cue to retire from the room for the reason of giving us privacy alone and as soon as the door closed behind me, I immediately turned to him with a grimace.

“What now?” I inquired a little annoyed.

But he simply smiled genuinely and it pained me.

Please don’t smile. Please don’t look at me like that, don’t touch me like this and don’t tell me you love me. Please don’t give me a reason to fall in love with you again.

Please don’t make me fall all over again if you won’t be there to catch me.

“Do I need a reason just to be with you?” he asked while taking a nervous step closer to me which only made my chest ached hence I took a step back at the same time, refusing to let him come anywhere near me – I don’t want him to reach my heart and make it beat for him again.

Anguish flashed in his blue orbs but he simply smiled again.

“I love you, Julian.” He held my hand before planting a kiss on it.

Those words sounded so bitter to me that I pulled my hand away from his lips before turning around in a hurry and my fingers were already on the metal doorknob when he pushed the door with his hand – closing it again – his breathing on the nape of my neck, his beating chest against my back and his other arm holding me in a gentle embrace.

“Please stop pushing me away from you. I want to be closer to you, to touch you and to hold you, my love.” a painful throb emanated in my heart when he called me an endearing name.

I frowned, “I told you to stop saying that if you don’t mean it...” because I am not strong enough to resist such true words.

Dante turned me around slowly to face him again however he was a lot closer than before much to my distress. I pushed my back even more against the solid surface of the door, as if searching for a room to increase the distance in between us.

I need to pull myself away from him to protect my body from the desire to feel him again like how I used to.

“I meant it.” he smiled lovingly as he took my hand again before placing my palm on his beating chest.

“It is not something I can lie and it is not something I can pretend either. I love you Julian and I’ll keep telling you until you believe me.” he pressed his forehead against mine and I could hear something screaming from the back of my head, screaming for my lover’s name.

Lucas.

I trembled, my heart still trying to resist his honest words. “I love Lucas. I am in love with him and I am committed to him.” I murmured with a frail tone.

Regret shone in his eyes as he stared at me tenderly.

“Then tell me you don’t love me, Julian.” he said in a soft whisper with his lips an inch from my own. “If you tell me that you don’t love me anymore or that you are no longer in love with me, if you tell me that I am no longer inside your heart then I’ll let you go.”

I closed my eyes, unable to look at him or probably because I was unable to tell him the words he needed to hear at all.

After all I was not good at hiding and lying about my feelings anyway.

Grief imprisoned me in its cage that I want nothing but to break free from it – to break free from him and his sincerest words of love for me. It didn’t help when I could feel his hot breath on my lips because it only tormented me further.

Please don’t kiss me because I might believe you if you did.

Though relief poured into my soul as he, himself, decided to pull away from me.

“I heard you got an opportunity to play the piano in the theatre. I’m happy for you my love. I want to see you play again and I’ll be there on your first performance.” I blinked my eyes open and his sad eyes looking at me in dearest, he took a couple of steps away from me much to my delight.

I said nothing and just looked away from his candid smile.

“I promise to be there when you play on the stage.” Dante said the words that disappointed me the most during the time that I was still madly in love with him.

Upset, I faced him with a livid expression. “Please don’t make promises you can’t keep.” I sneered in immense displeasure.

“I am promising you because I am keeping it this time.” he replied.

“Please don’t make this harder for me than it is. It’s too late for you now so please just let it go and stop this madness.” it pained me that he was not giving up even though I was always pushing him away but for what in the end?

“It’s not too late because I love you, Julian.” He smiled again and irritated me to no end.

Hence I turned around before opening the door, and then I left him alone soon after. He chose not to stop me from leaving this time because, likewise, his arms were not the place I want to return to – this man was not the one I chose.

―

The comforting ambiance welcomed me as soon as I came back to my bedroom, quietness resonated around the tavern since it was weekend and such feeling brought peace deep down to my inner self. It unbound my heart from the prison of my depressing emotions.

I slumped on top of my bed, head first, and I let my body reminisce the suppleness and the warmth of the bed sheets without even undressing of my outdoor clothes.

Before long, a knock on the door disturbed me from my rest.

“Julian, are you there?” Lucas inquired from the other side.

I sat up from the bed, “I am.” I replied. He entered the room with a pleasant smile in his face as he carried a medium flat rectangular box with him, my heart leaping in excitement the second I saw the man who I belonged to.

“I bought this on my way back.” he muttered after he sat beside me and he proceeded to untie the string rope that was securing the box, without further ado, and I watched his fingers in patience.

Later on, the box was opened and my thrilled expression was twisted into an absolute surprise. Inside the box laid a costly black French suit, the dark color of the garment is so enticing and formal that I would probably look somewhat a nobleman if I was dressed in it.

“It’s fascinating isn’t it? This will be your perfect attire for your first solo performance.” he said in enthusiasm.

I raised an eyebrow at him, “First solo performance? What are you talking about?” I asked but he only grinned at me before pulling a letter envelope from his coat pocket.

“It came an hour ago after you left this morning.” he handed me the said envelope.

Smoothness of the paper came into my touch and uneasiness grew in me because I didn’t know what it was inside the envelope however I just trust my lover’s calming smile hence I unsealed the envelope before taking the letter out and I started to read the message content.

It was about a Musical Concerto and happiness quickly engulfed me from within.

“I... I’m going to play a piano song in the theater a week from now,” I said to myself, feeling my lips drawing into an earnest smile.

“Indeed and that’s why I bought this suit with my earnings.” Lucas planted a kiss on my forehead, amused at my excitement.

Soon he hauled me up by the hand before shifting the both of us towards the tall mirror on the wall. He stood behind me as he unfolded the suit and he let it adorned my appearance in front of the mirror – it reflected a complete different impression of me and I was amazed.

“See? It’s beautiful, you are beautiful and I am falling in love with you all over again, Julian.” I smiled at his praise.

He smiled too and the two of us were admiring our reflection on the mirror for a while.

He eventually placed the suit on a chair nearby before embracing me from behind, his lips trailing kisses on the bridge between my neck and shoulder. The mahogany sunlight coming from my window illuminated the both of us on the mirror reflection, and it was simply romantic.

Then I felt his fingers unbuttoning my shirt.

“Lucas?” I asked in spite of the racing heartbeats inside me that could burst my chest open any time soon.

“Hmm?” he hummed as he continued to unfasten the buttons of my shirt up to the last one, loosening my clothes in which grant him the chance to display my upper body bare. His arms holding me in a kind embrace and his lips were still tracing soft kisses on my neck.

I moaned when he found my sensitive spot. “Lucas...”

Lucas spun me around, “I want to make love to you, Julian.” he whispered and it stole my breath away. He captured my lips for a passionate kiss that made my heart rejoiced in glee.

He held my body fondly, pulling me with him before pushing me to the bed in haste. He placed his weight on top of me that made me moan past my lips again in which only caused him to deepen our kiss into hot passion, so hot that I was melting at his desire.

“I love you so much, Julian.” he drew kisses on my neck again while his hand caressed my chest and abdomen.

I writhed on the bed beneath him as he showered me with love and kisses that would make my heart swell in intimacy.

He sat up before stripping himself of his shirt too and I blushed at the sight of the fine built of his body. He leaned down again afterwards, connecting ourselves skin to skin that made me go hot like there was a boiling magma inside me – his love was melting me whole.

Our lips tangled again in a sensual kiss, his tongue requesting entrance in which I conceded and his taste blending in mine as he explored my mouth hungrily, and pleasure erupted in me.

“I... I love you too...” I mumbled, biting both my lip and his to suppress my moans but I failed.

His mouth began to trail from my lips to one of my nipples and I writhed even more under my lover’s embrace. Then I felt his fingers dancing on my belt however instead of feeling aroused, somehow, my consciousness shouted a name from the depths of my mind.

It shouted Dante’s name.

I jolted up, alarmed, that I abruptly pushed Lucas away from me. My breathing stopped and my heart tightened at the thought of the other’s name. Why did I remember him when I was about to make love with the man I am in love with?

Why am I hurt when I remembered him?

I already chose who I love and who I want to be with so why? Why is his name still in my mind and my heart?

―

Confusion clouded my senses that I was lost in my chain of thoughts for a short moment until a caring hand held mine in a solace. I looked up to see the thoughtful eyes of my lover and it embedded sadness in me because I shouldn’t think of someone else when I was making love with him.

But I still did even if it wasn’t my intention to.

“Tell me, Julian, what is the real reason why you chose me?” Lucas asked me with a ghost smile in him and my heart ached at the sight of it.

He stared at me, “I will always understand you regardless of your reason because that is how much I love you but sometimes I don’t want to understand them because I want your love meant only for me and no one else. I don’t want only a half of your heart.” he interlaced our fingers together.

“Are you really in love with me or did you choose me so you could forget about him?” he asked again.

“I am in love with you, Lucas.” I replied, looking down on our joined hands before looking up again. “If there is another reason why I chose you other than that, then I guess it’s because I stopped waiting for him.”

I’m waiting for you to stop waiting for him.

He seemed to remember those words since his lips pursed into a faint smile.

I reached to touch his face with my fingers, “I am yours and only yours. I want to offer all of myself to you but not this time. I am just not ready to make love with you yet.” I said while looking at his chestnut eyes in a romantic gaze.

He nodded, accepting my reason wholeheartedly and it only made my soul indulged in his selfless kindness.

“Will you sleep with me? Will you hold me tonight?” I asked.

Lucas smiled softly. “I will even if you won’t ask me to.” he laid me back on the bed with care before taking the empty side next to me. He enveloped his arms around my waist as he held my bared body in a gentle embrace and I could feel the cadence of his beating heart against my own.

I placed my palm on his naked chest. “What is it?” he asked.

“Nothing I just want to feel it.” I retreated my hand soon after. I want to see if it is the same, if Dante is really telling the truth that he is in love with me.

He laughed, “It beats for you and only you so you don’t have to feel if it does.” then my lover kissed me on the lips for the last time.