“A person doesn’t know true hurt and suffering until they’ve felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affection lies elsewhere.” – Rose Gordon

Beautiful orchestral music was playing in the background while colorful gowns worn by women were swirling around the ballroom, and hundreds of feet were moving along the harmony of the song – gentlemen dancing with their beloved partners conquered the entire space – and of course, I was envious of them.

I simply observed and envied them among the audience.

“What are you doing here, dear? I thought you wanted to talk to Julian?” my mother appeared beside me after she finished preparing the dinner food for our guests.

I shook my head. “I did but I never got the chance to. He is no longer in love with me but even if he still does, in the end he chose to be with him, he chose to love only Lucas and no one else... not even me.” I mouthed in pure grief.

In the middle of the ballroom; stood Julian and his new lover clinging together in an embrace again, and both dancing romantically that it crushed my already beaten heart to bits.

I simply watched him being taken away from me.

People around the two sent them an unpleasant look every now and then however none of it bothered them, as if they were both heedless of anyone’s unfavorable judgment since they only care about one another and of course, I was more envious of them.

Why can’t it be me? Why was I not the one he was dancing with? Why was I not the one he was looking at with those eyes? Why not me? Why him?

Please look at me, Julian. I dressed in my best to impress you but never once did you look at me like how you used to look at me before. Those stunning eyes of yours now belonged to someone else, you belonged to him now and it hurts.

Please just one glance at me, I beg of you.

Sorrow engulfed me from within when he didn’t. It saddened me that this was what I was seeing after coming back for him. This was the consequence I got after breaking him beyond belief, this was the result I earned after leaving him alone and cold in the middle of the rain.

This is the price I paid after all the mistakes I did – I lost his love.

I laughed for my idiocy. “True not all good choices bring good consequences, I think I understand what your words meant, mother. I thought that I wouldn’t hurt him anymore if I left but I was so wrong, not only did I hurt him but I also ruined him, and I regret it.” I looked down on the floor as I expressed all my sad thoughts to her.

“I regret hurting him, I regret betraying him and I regret leaving him.” I added.

Indeed I shouldn’t have been a coward and betrayed him for so many times. I shouldn’t have been pathetic and hurt him so much, and most of all I shouldn’t have left him when his trust and love for me were barely hanging on.

But I still did and now I got what I deserve – I lost him.

“Despite all this pain I deserve because of all the cruel things I did to him, still I hope that he still and will love me even though I can’t be the man worthy of him. I wish, with all of my shame, for him to choose me in the end. I love him so much, truly am, mother.” I further said while my eyes remained on the marble ground.

“I am proud of you, Dante. It’s sad I know but to be honest, I am happy because I didn’t thought that there will be a day where I will hear such truthful words from you, dear.” she replied.

I looked at her and I met her faint smile. “After all, you never said something as sincere as that during the couple of years you were engaged to Amelia. I don’t want to believe it but I knew by then that you are not and will never be in love with her nor anyone neither, though I ignored it – so inane of me.”

“I am proud of you because love changed you, dear. Julian changed you for the better.” she ended in contentment.

Was she, perhaps, telling me this to cheer me up?

Looking back at Julian again, as much as he deserves someone who was much better than me and anyone else in this world, I want to be the man for him. Even if I was not the most deserving person and even if I have to use my lifetime to prove my love for him – I want to be his lover again.

I want to be the man whom he will spend his life with.

Smiling genuinely for first time tonight, I chuckled. “I know. He really changed me for good.” I replied pleased.

Then my mother suddenly grabbed my hand before pulling me to the center of the dance floor, right next to Julian and Lucas much to our surprise. “I can’t let my only son not enjoy his own birthday celebration.” she giggled after she sent a sign to the musicians for a change of song in which they gladly agreed.

Hence the orchestral music altered into a romantic one.

―

The second the music changed, the audience ceased from their own businesses to watch us out of curiosity and it fascinated them to see that the birthday man will finally dominate the center of the ballroom.

Helena bent her left knee for a courtesy before letting my arm wrap around her waist and she held my other hand in position. “It’s been a while since we last dance together isn’t it?” she beamed, amused.

I looked to my side and there I saw Julian smiling, his lips curled in a smile that he only show to me – the smile of a lover. But he was smiling the same way to Lucas which caused my chest to become tight and suffocated. Indeed his smile was one of the things I lost.

“It’s not too late... as long as you love him, things will never be too late.” she said.

“I know but still... it’s painful.” I sighed before letting my foot guide us together in a slow dance, the bright scenery around me circled like I was inside a spinning carousel. Then people applaud me for my incredible dancing pattern however it didn’t matter to me.

It didn’t matter unless he is my partner.

Quite foolish of me to wish that I know but I do. Both my feet and body moved instinctively but my sight would sometimes wander to him every time I passed by him – and I would look at him in dearest each time.

Julian caught me looking at him and it stole my breath away but he abruptly looked away as if it was a mistake before staring back at the other again with so much love, and it burned a bitter but sore jealousy in the depths of my heart. I was jealous of Lucas.

The other dancing couples near us were soon retiring pair by pair until no one left but both my mother and I, even Julian and Lucas remained much to my delight.

The melody in the air amplified the emptiness I possessed. Splendid tunes emptied my already hollow soul of the lingering happiness, happiness of him being close to me but even so I can’t deny how unreachable he was. He was so close yet why can’t I reach my hand to him?

You’re so close to me but why does it feel you’re a thousand miles apart?

I can’t believe that I would be feeling the same thing he felt before, all the woes he suffered were turning its tide from him to me and I know that I deserve to take it as my payment for everything I had done.

I will allow it so that I will be able to understand all his sufferings before.

“I want to dance with him.” I said out of the blue.

Helena paused to see if I was serious about it and of course I was. “It’s useless if I just stand here and do nothing. I can’t let things decide for me again... and certainly I don’t want to repeat such mistakes all over again. I want to do something right for once.” I explained while releasing my arm from her waist.

“After all, my love for him is worth sacrificing for.” I let out a ghost smile.

My mother stared at me, concerned, since she realized that there were a hundred of guests here and who knows what would happen if I chose Julian as my dancing partner but I didn’t care.

“Fine... if this is what you want then I’ll support you.” she smiled. Then she briefly turned her back to me, her elegant green gown twirling, before motioning towards them and it confused me needless to say.

However it surprised me when she pulled Lucas for a dance without hesitation and question ask, rendering him unable to refuse her request especially right in front of this many people.

On the other hand, Julian was left unattended.

―

I took this opportunity to walk to him, closing the distance that is separating him from me. I bowed my head to him. “Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you?” I offered my hand for him to take, eminently hoping that he will grant me this chance.

“I... why are you doing this?” I heard him asked but I answered none.

Instead I repeated. “Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you, Julian?” my arm was starting to ache, unable to lift itself for a minute longer. Cold sensation grasped my bare hand and I was hesitant to look up, fear of being denied again but my whole body trembled in ecstatic when he took my hand.

All lights dimmed with only the chandelier above us left alight.

Faint murmurs and whispers echoed across the ballroom though I paid no heed. The harmony of each instrument sang an emotional song, so emotional that it resonated with my growing feelings for someone so precious to me. It simply intensified my love for him.

I lifted my head to see Julian looking away from me again and it hurts I admit.

I dismissed the pain as I snaked my hand behind his back, my gentle arm supporting his waist and I pressed my body closer to him. Although he was unwilling, he still placed his hand on my shoulder – his reluctance pained me but I endured it.

Still and all, I smiled for him.

Even if he was not looking at me anymore, I will smile for him no matter how painful it will be because that was how much I love him.

“You look beautiful tonight.” I reached to grab his other hand before slowly lifting it up in the air. As much as I want to intertwine our fingers together, I held back because he might pull away from me if I did and I didn’t want that.

“So beautiful you are, Julian.” I complimented him.

He turned to meet my smile and hurt flashed in his silver orbs. “Please don’t say that if you don’t mean it.” he replied in distrust and it crushed me inside.

I said nothing but smiled even more before leading the man I love for a slow dance.

Can you feel my love tonight, Julian?

Loud heartbeats thumped profoundly in my chest and I inhaled a deep breath for it to beat even harder, harder enough for him to feel my beating heart – that every beat it made carries the truest and purest love I was willing to give him.

“I love you, Julian. I really do.” I confessed.

Gasps subdued the silence and I can already feel everyone else’s disapproving eyes directed at me even the music, itself, stopped but I ignored them all.

His eyes widened in shock.

“What... w-what are you...?” he stuttered, disbelief of my confession but before I could repeat my words to him again, a hand roughly pulled me by the shoulder away from the man I love – Lucas pulled me away from Julian.

Similar jealousy burned in his chestnut orbs.

It ignited like he desire to punch me but he chose to hold the other in an embrace protectively or should I say possessively like how a man shunned other men from coming closer to his woman with the only difference of it was that it was not a woman.

Lucas shunned me from going anywhere near Julian.

And it hurts more.

It was because I should be the one in his place and not the other way around.

―

Lights came back to life which made it clear for me to see the look of disfavor in their facial features that everyone else was sending me but I bear no regret rather, somehow, it lifted a huge burden off my shoulder – the burden of hiding my feelings for so long.

Julian did change me for the better.

“Tell me it’s a lie.” Amelia appeared before me but I just stared at her emotionless, with the intention of refusing to agree on her words again.

She looked around to realize that our acquaintances were studying her reaction, thus she plastered on a tight smile to hide her discomfort. “This is not the time to joke, darling, please don’t humiliate me in front of my friends.” she almost screamed her last phrase if it wasn’t for her whispering those words.

I shook my head in absolute denial.

“No it is not a lie.” then I pointed my finger at Julian, “In fact I had an affair with him. I am not marrying you and I am not marrying anyone either because I am in love with him.” I imparted loud enough for everyone to hear, even her since I could already see her blood boiling up in her head.

“I can’t believe you did this to me!” she cried out, fisting both her hands to her side while people were gossiping to one another again.

But then she stole a glass of red wine from a man nearby before throwing the liquid content straight to my face. “Shame on you! I hate a disgraceful man like you!” she sneered, thrashing the glass to the floor, before storming out of the ballroom and her cries faded into the distance later on.

So Amelia decided to humiliate me too as her revenge?

Such immature actions however I bear no hard feelings because she was not worth getting angry over. Helena immediately came to my side while bringing a dry napkin cloth in which she soon wiped my face clean with it.

I wish I had done this sooner. I thought while laughing silently to no one.

After that, our guests were retiring from the room one after another since they believed that it was not wise to be acquainted with a disgraceful man. All of them left until only my parents and our household servants remained behind, and not even the man I love the most much to my great dismay – everyone walked away from me.

“I’m sorry that this is happening to you dear. I wish I could do something but I can’t do anything against other people’s judgments... but you know I am proud of you so much I could cry in joy.” she folded the napkin in half before pressing it back on my face.

“I’m happy that you are able to stand up for someone you love.” she included.

I smiled a little bit. “I know after all he is worth it... he is worth sacrificing for.”

―

The celebration ended in terrible finale but in spite of losing the goodness of my reputation – I didn’t regret anything about it instead I was feeling high on my cloud nine. I didn’t regret shouting my love for Julian in front of everyone.

“I wish I really had done that sooner.” I said to myself after retreating back to my bedroom.

The large built of my personal room was one of the things I missed when I left because this room holds important memories I shared with the love of my life and it was the starting point of our romance although I was not in love with him at first but still, this was where it all began.

Then all of a sudden, someone knocked on the door.

The door creaked open and my blue eyes landed on my beloved Julian, he entered the room with a serious demeanor in him. So he hadn’t disappeared like everyone else? The thought of it brought a relish feeling in my soul.

I guess he left for a while to think about my confession.

I faced him with a soft smile. “I’m glad to see you again, Julian. I hope you don’t mind if I am not decent.” I pointed at red stained on the front of my suit.

“No need because I am not decent either.” was he talking about the secondhand suit he was wearing? I was about to rebuff his statement when he decided to speak again. “Why did you do it?” he stared at me dubious.

“Why did you tell them about our affair? Why did you lie?” he asked me further.

And again, his doubting words crushed my heart again. “Lie? I am not lying in the least about all the things I said earlier. I am not lying when I told you that I am in love with you. It is not something I can lie with a straight face anyway.” I replied with a forlorn expression.

“This isn’t funny.” he frowned, still not trusting a single word I said.

“I am not trying to be funny either. I admit I once lied to you and I regret it but I am not lying anymore. I am really in love with you.” I took a single step forward but he took a step back at the same time, hurt flashing in his eyes again.

“Lucas is waiting for me outside the room so please...” he mumbled.

Immense pain collided into me when I realized the meaning behind the words he just said. It meant that he refused to accept my feelings for the reason of not being unfaithful to his new lover and my heart yielded in agony.

I abode because I don’t want him to push me away further than this.

But how can I make him see my feelings without getting close to him? How can I make him fall in love with me again without being intimate with him?

Then I remembered something I could use hence I didn’t waste any seconds longer from retrieving it inside my luggage. I rummaged through it until I found it in which I gave it to him without a second thought – it was my drawing journal.

“I don’t have time to read your journal.” Julian frowned again.

I chuckled, trying to be oblivious to my heartache. “I’m not asking you to read it; actually I just want you to look inside it. It’s yours now.” I smiled lovingly to him.

He stared at me uncertain whether he should heed on my words or not however in the end, he did. He opened the book, his fingers flipping through the pages and his charming eyes scanning each contents of the journal, and he blushed not too long.

After all, he was all inside the journal.

There was not a single page without his gorgeous face drawn in it. He was everything I had drawn, he was my everything.

“I am not giving in on your words, Dante.” he bit his lower lip.

I simply smiled again. “I am not expecting you to give in; in fact I’m not good on my own words either. I can’t speak meaningful things and that’s why I decided to tell you my true feelings through my talent and drawings.” I desire to embrace him but I held back as always.

“I will paint my love for you, Julian.” I said in a soft whisper.

I will do what I can do for you to look at me again with love in your eyes.

He closed the book and looked away again for the third time tonight. “I think you forgot that you just lost your credibility as a famous painter earlier. No one will buy and promote your paintings anymore all because of what you said. Are you not concern?” he inquired me, as if he wanted to know if I regret telling everyone about our affair and my feelings for him.

Julian chose not to trust my words.

“I guess so because I don’t think there would be anyone wanting to buy something from a disgraceful man. It’s a nice label for me isn’t it?” I said in sarcasm.

Indeed I just lost regular sponsors and customers I had when I chose to tell the whole noble society of my unconditional love for another man. Unwanted gossip will, no doubt, spread like a raging wildfire tomorrow and my painting profession will be put at risk.

I could lose my fame, my status, my reputation and even my profession.

I could lose everything I gained in a blink of an eye all because of him.

But deep inside, those didn’t sound that bad for me.