"I see these lights, every time I look into your eyes. It crosses my heart, and makes me feel in love." – Jason Engay

Commitment. It was an easiest thing to say and a pleasant word to hear when you are in love, yet for me it was a sour sound to listen to and the hardest thing to do. It was an oath between faithful lovers though it was not for someone who had more than one person in their heart.

It was both the sincerest and cruelest promise in this world.

In commitment, there come many things such as happiness and unfaithfulness. It defines in different meanings however, in the very end, it bears only one significance and that was dedicating oneself entirely to something or to someone.

But how can I do it if my heart was divided into two?

Torn in between two people both dear to me, two men that complete the pieces of my life – how can I dedicate myself whole to each and both of them?

"It is impossible." I said to myself as I stood here in one of the open balconies of the Scarfone's estate mansion.

The beautiful parterre garden in front of me was a sight to see tonight. Tall hedges and tea trees embellished most of the area on the ground below with few statues of chess pieces and a large Gazebo built in the middle of the garden, all of these things adorned the back garden of this manor.

This was the first time I saw it despite being in this house for quite some time before.

"What is it, the impossible you're talking about?" a manly voice mumbled into the back of my ear and sweet shivers instantly ran through my veins.

"It is nothing, Lucas." I replied just when a champagne glass of red wine appeared before my eyes, "Care to drink with me?" he inquired though I pushed his arm away gently as I shook my head in mute refusal.

"It's still a little early, do you want to eat something?" he stood beside me after placing down the glasses on the stoned deck and I shook my head in refusal again.

I resumed on watching the scenery outside from the second floor balcony while I was waiting for Dante's birthday celebration to start. I also continued to search the words that I will tell him without hurting him in any way although I doubt it – I don't want to hurt him because I still love him.

"Who will you choose?" Lucas asked all of a sudden.

I turned to look at him confused. "If he ask you to choose from me and him, who will it be?" he stared straight to the gathering of people inside the hall behind us, not meeting my eyes like he was hesitant to see if the answer was already in there or not.

"I don't know." I replied as turned to look back at the garden again.

"I can't choose. I am not ready to choose. I don't want to choose." I paused in between phrases, wallowing in the painful battle I had in my heart.

I want them both, I care for them both, I desire for them both and I love them both so much but I don't want to let go of one of them, I can't lose one of them and I hate to hurt one of them.

How can I choose when they were both precious to me?

"Please don't make me choose I beg of you." I pleaded in distress while holding both my hands in a harsh grip but my body gradually eased when he hugged me from behind, his forehead against my shoulder.

"I am not however there will come a time when things will make you decide who you want to be with the most. I just want you to know that I will always wish only the happiness for you even it means I won't be the one who will give it..." his arms tightened around me in desperation – his immense desperate need to be strong for me.

"...so don't hesitate to hurt me, Julian." he added in a sad whisper.

It ached to hear such genuine words from him. He was like someone who I used to be, someone who will do anything and everything for the person he loves even if it means letting them go.

His strong heart was what I used to have before it suffered in pain so many times, and that what made it more difficult for me. I don't want to crush his courage nor do I want to turn him into the man I had become after all the torment neither.

I don't to break his heart into pieces like mine.

Lucas lifted his head before turning me around to face him, holding my hands in his. "The party is about to start." he said with a smile but his chestnut eyes showed true grief.

"I will be here and I won't be going anywhere so don't you worry. I will be waiting for you." he ended while not erasing the blissful smile from his lips.

How long will you wait for me? Aren't you tired of waiting for so long? Why are you still waiting even when you know that I was still in love with him? If my heart chose him, will you still be here waiting for me until morning or maybe much longer than that?

Those questions played inside my head and to be honest, half of my heart died on each depressing words.

"If I... If I don't return..." I bit my lower lip in diffidence. "...what are you going to do?" I asked him however he said nothing instead he only smiled much more in which I found it difficult to fathom whatever answer he had behind that smile – a smile that would always comfort me from within.

"No need to worry for me, Julian. No need." he eluded my question.

His hand let go of mine. "The party has started and I bet you don't want to be late for him right?" he turned his back on me with a faint laughter escaping his lips, as if attempting to tease me but it sounded different.

Nonetheless I turned around on my heels, in spite of my great reluctance, before walking away from the balcony and into the ballroom. I walked away from the man who saved me from my sadness, the man who gave me the love I deserve and the man who I also love unconditionally.

I walked away from the man whom the half of my heart was crying for.

―

The grand ballroom was the best one I had seen so far, its magnificence was truly outstanding. Two chandeliers hanged on the wide ceiling painted of gold mural that stretched down to the walls of this room and flooring made of light peach marble that it contrasts in almost gold shade but despite of all the elegance – it didn't blind me with greed.

Rather it blinded me with insecurities that I was becoming inferior of myself.

How can someone as noble viscount as Dante be possibly in love with a poor man like me? It was impossible in many reasons.

I'm not a noble man like you, Dante. I have nothing to offer to you but only my love,

Now I felt pathetic for telling him such statement when I serenaded him before. It was so candid and truthful that it was almost idiotic. I offered him my love and devotion but what did I get in return? I got nothing except misery.

Famous artists and painters assembled around me which made it tough for me to look for him hence I just strolled aimlessly until someone called my name.

"Mr. Hartwell!" I turned around only to see Amelia and a group of women behind her coming my way. Pain ached in me the second I saw the girl who he chose over me.

"Good evening, my Lady." I greeted her with a kiss on the back of her hand while putting quite a feat to hide my shaking composure.

She hailed in return. "It's been a long while right? How are you doing? I know we are not as close as you are to my fiancée but I hold great respect for you ever since you taught him to play the piano for me. It is the best birthday I had in my whole life!" her blue princess gown enhanced the beauty she had.

"I am glad that it pleased you so well." I said with a tight smile.

"It does and that's why I want to introduce you to my friends." she enclosed her arm around mine before pulling me towards her companions.

"It'd be nice if you will be the best man for our wedding in the future. I also want you to be the godfather of our child. It's unofficial but I am sure because I can feel that I am already pregnant with his child. I will be a mother soon!" she exclaimed in ecstatic and her companions congratulated her in delight – but it crushed whatever it was left of my love for Dante.

So that was why he left.

He really chose her in the end. What was I expecting for an explanation? What was I hoping for other than his apology the other day? What was exactly am I wishing for after that emotional kiss?

It was stupid of me to want an explanation from him when all he did before was hurt me, betrayed me and left me cold in the middle of the rain.

The ladies in front of me suddenly cheered thus I looked over my shoulder and there I saw Dante entering through the door with his father Arthur next to him however seeing him in the distant made it all the more painful to me.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Hartwell. I heard you are pianist?" one of the ladies tried to initiate a conversation with me but she failed.

I remained staring at the man who hurt me more than anyone and anything in this world, and the man who managed to hurt me again after all the pain and torture he gave me when he left. I remained staring at the man I trust no more.

I can't trust him again. I don't want to trust him again. It hurts to trust him again.

Dante glanced around the room looking for someone, but I no longer anticipated that it will be me because I was tired of always wishing for him to notice me.

"I'm sorry." then I detached my arm from Amelia's hold before walking away in a hurry. She called to me with her voice fading as I continued to retire from them and into the crowd. It took me time and persuasion to pick up the broken pieces and to start moving on with my life so why want to go back to him?

Furthermore I had enough of hoping for him to choose me. I had enough of longing for him to love me as much as I love him. I already had enough.

So stupid of me to think that I might hurt him if I tell him about Lucas. How come he will be when he was not and will never be in love with me?

I walked away from the man who used me, the man who took advantage of me, the man who will never choose me and the man who will never ever love me.

I walked away from the man whom the half of my heart was bleeding for.

―

People applauding inside the ballroom echoed from the door behind me as I stood again in the same balcony earlier ago. Cool wind cuddled my body in solace and the bright moon up in the midnight sky lit up the relief from the bottom of my aching heart.

Lucas rested both his elbows on top of the deck railing with his head down and his slouched back facing my direction.

Joy fondled my heart as I looked intently on him. He who was always there for me, he who helped me standing up again on my feet and he who healed my wounded heart with both his pure love and kindness.

I paced closer and closer to him until he was only an arm reach away from me. Heartbeats raced inside my chest as I realized that I returned – I came back to him.

"Lucas." I called to him and his head perked up.

He slowly turned around and disbelief clouded his facial features upon seeing me again. He was about to say something when I gently pressed my finger on his lips, preventing him to speak any word that I could care less about.

"Shh..." I hushed after shaking my head in refusal.

He nodded in understanding hence I removed my finger from his lips. "I don't need to know what happen nor why you are here neither." he said as he kissed each of my fingers while I stared at him in dearest.

Then he gently pulled me much closer with our faces an inch apart.

His arms snaked around my waist while our eyes never looking away from the other. "I love you, Julian. I love you no matter what." he leaned his forehead against mine, still staring intently and deeply in my eyes.

"I want to be your lover, Lucas." I said in soft whisper.

The pair of chestnut orbs before me didn't blink in shock instead it simply imprisoned me more in the window of his soul.

I want to be his lover. I want to give and share everything that I was to him. I want to be with him. I want to love him more anyone in my life.

I want to love him more than Dante.

This night finally made me realize the reason why I had fallen in love with him in the first place. He never hurt me, he never made me cry, he never betrayed me and he never break my heart – most of all he never left me alone.

Lucas was the man I deserve to have.

And I want to spend my lifetime loving him.

He pulled me even much closer that I hardly feel a distance between us and I used the opportunity to cup his face with my hands before closing my eyes, then I captured his lips with my own.

Intense love conveyed through the touch of our lips and passion quickly melted in our bodies. His tongue brushed my lower lip, asking for entrance in which I granted without a second thought and the foreign muscle thrust softly in my mouth soon after.

I moaned as I wrapped my arms around his neck, and pleasure aroused my heart every time our tongue caressed. Our hot saliva blending together into a taste I could never forget.

I want to love him and only him.

Later on, I let go of his lips before bringing him into a heartfelt embrace. "I love you, Lucas. I am yours and only yours." I smiled and so did he.

I still love Dante but I chose Lucas.

I chose to commit myself to him, to belong to him and to be his future – I chose to move on.

―

A while ago...

"Happy birthday, son!" Arthur greeted me.

He came to my side in front of a tall mirror stand while I took my time attaching the buttons of my black suit up to the last one. Three minutes left until I go out of my bedroom, three minutes left until I meet Julian.

Black British suit reflected on the surface of the mirror and it refined most of my appearance into perfection that I could stand out amidst the crowd and be easily noticed by everyone – I want to be noticed by Julian.

"Is it impressive? Am I impressive enough?" I spun around to let my father have a close study on my choice of clothing for my birthday celebration tonight.

Am I impressive enough for him? I thought to myself.

Hands brushed my shoulders in soothing motion as if my bones were stiffed. "Indeed. Perfect and handsome that you could outshine all the good-looking men out there, even I." he laughed before pulling out a small black box from his pocket.

He opened the lid and inside is a deluxe gold wristwatch laid on top of a red cushion. I stared in awe.

"Both your mother and I would like to make up for our selfish decision in the past." Arthur picked up the watch in which he soon put around my left wrist.

"Setting you on that engagement is our greatest mistake. It is because of it that you grew up not knowing what love is. All those years, the only thing you learned is how to please your fiancée and be the man we are proud of. It's because of us that you don't know how to love and treasure someone truly." he sighed dreary.

"I hope it's not too late to teach you how, son." his lips curled in a faint smile that it is somewhat sad.

"No it's not too late, father. It will never be too late for me." I turned back on the mirror before checking my appearance once more. "Good, let's go." my father gestured me to the door and I glanced at my reflection for the last time to see if I was at my best in my attire.

I want to look best in front of the man I love.

―

A hundred of guest surrounded me the moment I entered the ballroom, gentlemen raising their wine glasses to me while ladies beamed a seducing smirk in endeavor to gain attention from me but unfortunately they gained none.

I scanned around the gathering of people in search of him however I couldn't find even a single strand of his blonde hair much to my dismay.

Nevertheless I will not celebrating my birthday without him by my side. "I'm going to look for him, father." I excused myself and my father agreed without question asks.

Friends and acquaintances hailed me with happy birthday greetings as I searched around the room seeking for Julian, upsetting thoughts of him unable to attend my birthday occasion dwelled inside my head but I pushed them aside because such thoughts won't help me find him here.

Then I saw Amelia in the distant heading my way but I avoided her as soon as possible before continuing on my search for my lover and for some reason, I ended in front of the blurred glass door of one of our balconies.

I opened the door and anguish punched me in the chest.

Julian is clinging to Lucas in embrace, their bodies so intimately close and their hands joined together – both of them look romantic that it trampled my heart into the ground.

Hurt and angst burned inside me but I held my composure intact, I cleared my throat.

Both of them looked at me in surprise but soon smiled knowingly. "Good evening." they said in unison before breaking their embrace.

"Happy Birthday, Dante. I wish you all the best and the happiness." Julian greeted me and it meant a lot so much hearing it from him however my short moment of bliss disappeared as I laid my eyes on Lucas.

"Happy Birthday, Dante." he greeted me too.

Jealousy stirred in me but I hid it in splendid disguise. "Thank you. By the way what are you two doing outside?" I asked as polite as I can be because I certainly don't want to be rude in front of my lover.

"It's nothing, perhaps just a time alone with him." Julian replied, looking at the other and something punched my chest upon seeing how he held Lucas' hand in his with their fingers intertwining right in front of me.

Coldness clasped my hands and fingers – they felt empty.

"I see. I am happy to know that you are doing alright, Julian." I dismissed the sensation in my hands while being modest in front of them or should I say in front of the man I want to touch so badly.

He smiled again. "True. If it's about us... I want you to know that I am forgiving you." he said however why does it sound like he is ending everything between us?

"Is that so? Thank you. I am glad to hear that." I said nothing more since my voice is starting to become frail as due to fear, fear of knowing the meaning behind his words. I was afraid to hear something I will never be able accept.

I cleared my throat again in attempt to regain the strength of my voice. "So... care to dance with me, Julian?" I offered my hand to him, emptiness still lingered in them and only his touch can take it away.

Julian stared at my hand. "I'm sorry." he mumbled.

"I'm sorry because I'll be dancing with my lover instead." he glanced up to Lucas and it broke my heart to see the love in his silver eyes as he looked at the other. It broke my heart to see him looking at another man like how he used to look at me before.

It broke my heart to see that he is in love with someone else.

"I see. I'm sorry too because I don't know." I laughed to hide the faint cry from escaping my lips.

"True... so see you later inside, Dante." Julian smiled for the last time before pulling Lucas with him by the hand and soon I was left alone.

It is tearing me apart to hear it from him that they were indeed together and that he is no longer mine. I couldn't amend our relationship anymore because he is no longer in love with me. I couldn't tell him that I came back for him.