“True love is still true, even if you can’t live it the way you want to.” – G.J. Walker-Smith

The loud noise of a train steam whistling rang out of the black locomotive, indicating that we had already reached our destination. Happiness fondled inside me from the moment my shoes touched the stone pave ground of the station. I never felt so home in my life.

Hundreds of people departing and arriving here in the central station was more crowded than that of a cathedral during mass gathering.

“I’ll rent a carriage for us, are two enough?” Sir Marcus asked my parents after settling our things and luggage on the floor.

“No make it three,” my mother replied.

Their voices faded from my ears as I let my mind wander around in my surroundings. Train conductors were busy monitoring the number of incoming and outgoing passengers while the others were inspecting the condition of the train’s engine. Everything flashed by quickly in front of my sight until it landed on a pair of light chestnut orbs.

Amelia squinted her eyes at me in hate since she still hadn’t gotten over the fact that I slept with someone else before her.

She hated me because she was not my first which in turn was something I was proud of. I drifted my attention again, appearing more interested on a cargo full of coal in the distant.

I want to see Julian. I thought to myself.

I left a sad memory and a bitter farewell to him but I will take it all back. I will swallow the painful words I had said to him that day back to my throat if I have to and I will ask for his absolute forgiveness – even if he doesn’t want an apology – I will beg for it.

Then my mother called to me, informing me that the carriages were ready and all of us left soon after.

The ride was somehow testing my courage and patience because I was afraid of seeing how he was doing right now or more likely I was afraid of seeing how much damage I had done to him since the day I left him.

Please be okay, Julian, because I surely won’t be able to forgive myself if you are not.

I shared a carriage with my parents because I was not, in the least, willing to share one with my ex-fiancée especially when I bear no more intention of doing what she forced me to. If there was something I should take responsibility for then it would be my foolish mistake I made to him.

Although I just hope that he’ll give me a chance – one more chance to make it alright for us.

The same street and buildings came into my view through the glass window and I noticed that nothing change in the least. The town was still looking the same from the time I left it, as if nothing remembers that I once left.

The world continued to go on and it brought me a little hope.

Hope that my lover was doing fine, that he still remembers me and that he still loves me.

“By the way...” my mother decided to speak however my focus remained glued on the scenery outside. “There is a place I wish to visit so I hope none of you mind.” she mused before ordering the horseman for a short detour to a street I had never been to.

―

The carriage halted from one of the street shops I didn’t bother to look at. Helena stepped out of the stagecoach with my father following after her while I, on the other hand, stayed inside. It was not because I was not in the mood for anything but rather because I had too many things in my mind.

Too many thoughts and all of them was nothing but Julian. He was all over my head that I can’t bring myself to focus on anything except him.

I miss him so much.

I glanced on the window and my parents were still inside the shop longer than I thought it would be so I decided to take a little stroll on this unfamiliar street.

Cool wind brushed past me as I opened the door on the other side of the stagecoach and I finally retired myself from the quarters.

The street had nothing in common compared to the others especially the main street where popular boutiques, restaurants and establishments were built. I guess being in those places all the time was normal to me that I was not used seeing places which were less in comparison.

Nonetheless I started to take a short walk.

The snow was already long melted, leaving only a trail of dried liquid that made the ground looked like it had been polished – and kind of slippery that I had to walk carefully since my shoes were made of leather.

Shops and houses differ from one another that it was easy to distinguish which one it was and which one was not.

Then all of a sudden, I noticed a shop across the road. It is a flower shop and though I was not really that fond of flowers, it caught my utmost interest that I immediately crossed the road without a second thought.

Fragrance of different flowers burned my nose in an enticing way.

Pots of bright sunflowers were displayed right outside the shop, probably to attract customers and it does because people passing by glanced at the shop once in a while.

Lots of stunning flowers can be seen from the clear display window of the shop.

I smiled in admiration.

Whilst I was absorbed on studying the various kinds of flowers, a figure of a person inside lured my sight and I stared wide eyes upon realizing who it was.

He stood there thinning a huddle of pink camellias, his fingers holding the stems in cherish while white anemones hanging near his head touched his blonde hair with its endearing little petals. His silver eyes were hooded from my gaze and a peaceful smile plastered in his lips as he continued to nurture the plants, still unaware of my presence here outside.

Julian.

He was as gorgeous as he was from the time I first met him in the gallery display because the similar feeling came back to me, the feeling of being captivated by him. He looked the same but not at the same time or maybe because I was looking at him in a different way.

Deep and heavy heartbeats began to pound repeatedly inside my chest as I stared at the man I wanted most in this world.

Joy and desire overwhelmed me so much that my feet didn’t linger any longer here outside before walking through the entrance, the door hit a bell.

“Welco...” he paused, stunned beyond belief after he laid his eyes on me.

“Dante.” Julian mumbled my name however that was all he managed to speak but at least he didn’t run away from me much to my delight. I took a single step forward with uneasiness clenching my heart because a part of me was afraid that he will be in pain if I come near him.

I took another careful step – not tearing my sight from him – and my soul kindled in merriness as the distance between us is slowly closing in.

He was precious to me and it will kill me to see him in sad tears again.

Step after step and after step again, it almost felt like a hundred until I finally made it a foot in front of him.

“Julian.” I said his name in a soft whisper, holding myself back from doing something I might regret later even if it was just a hug that my body need. Likewise I didn’t want to hurt him by my foolish actions again.

I inhaled a nervous breath. “Can I touch you?” I asked in dearest that I almost feel like crying myself out. I really miss him so much it hurts to not touch him without feeling this fear – fear of breaking him like what I did that rainy day.

He bit his lip with tears starting to cloud his pretty eyes as if he shares the same feelings I bear as of this emotional moment. Still and all, he nodded in mute response.

Blissful warmth burst in my chest at his silent answer therefore I slowly reached my hand to hold his and as soon as my fingers touched his skin, something slammed so hard inside me that I lost my breath for a second.

“Can I hug you, please I want to?” I asked again as I held his hand despite the intense emotions stirring within me.

Tears were now falling down from his eyes but in spite of it, he managed to nod again and without further ado – I immediately enveloped my arms around him in tight but gentle embrace that the months of longing for him was already melting in between us.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for all the cruel things I had done. I am so sorry for hurting you so much. I am so sorry for leaving you. I am really sorry for everything, Julian.” desperate words escaped my lips.

There were so many things I wanted and I needed to tell him but they all blended into the beats of my hearts that it pounded even harder against my rib cage.

“Please forgive me.” I buried my face in his shoulder, eminently wishing that he’ll forgive me and all the pain that I had caused him. He returned my embrace as he simply cried in my arms, unable to find words to tell me.

It seemed I was not the only one being subdued by strong emotions here.

I lifted my head up, meeting his tearful eyes. “Can I kiss you?” I asked in high hope that he will give me this chance to show him how precious he was to me.

For the last time Julian nodded without hesitation and I crashed my lips to his in haste.

All of my feelings melded into passion and it burned my entire being in hot pleasure that I moaned past my mouth. Tingles from the touch of his lips numbed my mind hence I became spellbound in its romance – our emotions had gone into one spiral.

The muscles of my heart swelled so much it ached.

I poured my desire, my longing and everything else in the kiss. The grief of being away from him for so long disappeared in an instant just from this one emotional kiss and even time itself diminished around us except the intensity of our genuine feelings for each other.

I let go of his lips before staring deep into his charming grey eyes.

“I miss you, Julian. I miss you so much.” I smiled dearly to him while caressing his cheeks clean from tears with my thumbs. Puffiness was beginning to bulge under his eyes that only made him somewhat adorable but still gorgeous – my gorgeous lover Julian.

I planted a kiss on the back of his hand but then the bell chimed all of a sudden.

“Dante?” someone called to me from the entrance and my stomach dropped in horror upon recognizing the familiar voice. I turned to glance over my shoulder and I stood frozen after seeing that it was my mother.

―

Helena stared at me astonished while I remained motionless until the man I was holding decided to free himself from our embrace however the tensing silence didn’t left. Julian looked doubtful, unsure if he needed to explain himself or not.

I sent him an assuring look that he had nothing to worry about because I had known that sooner or later my parents will find us together although I didn’t thought it will be this soon.

I heard my mother cleared her throat. “It’s nice to see you again, Mr. Hartwell. How are you?” she beamed at him much to my surprise.

“I-I’m doing fine, madam.” he stuttered antsy.

The entrance door behind my mother swung open and Lucas in his trench coat entered the shop, his eyes ceased from blinking the second he saw us, mostly me, inside. He turned to look at Julian and frowned but what he did later on was what destroyed the rest of my composure.

He walked to him before kissing him in the lips – the lips I kissed just a couple of minutes ago.

Lucas kissed the man I cared the most.

“Is everything okay?” he inquired him, his arm wrapping around my lover’s waist and it crushed something in me that my inner self was slowly breaking into pieces.

Julian said nothing to him but what hurts me the most was that he said nothing to me too. He said nothing about that kiss, he said nothing for a reason or denial and moreover he said nothing if the both of them were together now.

He simply said nothing to ease this pain.

“Indeed everything is alright, Mr. Radford. I came here for my son since he has a birthday celebration to prepare as soon as possible.” my mother came to my side.

“It’ll be a pleasure if the two of you attend it.” she added in thrill.

He sent a concerned look at my lover before glancing back at us with an enthusiastic smile. “Sure it is.”

Julian looked at me in pure sadness and it was ripping me ugly. Was he not happy that I came back for him? The thought of them being together was tearing me apart and more painful than the guilt I had when I betrayed him and his love for me every so often.

―

Nothing else mattered any more after seeing them kissed in front of me that I didn’t even notice I was already home – the pain emptied my thoughts and my heart.

I felt nothing but only the hurt.

“Tell me... was it Julian? The person you chose instead of your fiancée, was it him? Please tell me the truth.” my mother pulled my arm after I came inside our living room. I turned to face her with a solemn smile concealing my lips.

“He was.” I replied as I freed my arm from her hold before sitting on the canapé.

“I had an affair with him since the beginning of our piano lesson before. I was seeing him all those times I was still engaged with her and I hated myself for it but I can’t change the past.” then I waited for her furious words to come my way.

But none came.

“Do you love him?” she sat beside me and I could see my father Arthur past her shoulder – standing on the door – letting me and my mother talk alone.

“I had seen it earlier so don’t deny it. It won’t be love if you aren’t that happy when you hug him. It won’t be love if you aren’t this hurt when someone else kiss him.” she said. I wanted to laugh at myself for being stupid and for not seeing such an obvious fact in the first place.

Why did I have to learn the truth in the hard way?

It had to be Lucas for me to see my own blindness for it. It had to be that kiss for me to notice the real reason why I was so afraid and guilty all this time. It had to be this anguish for me to know what I really feel about him.

It had to be this pain for me to realize that I was in love with him.

Lucas kissed the man I love the most.

“True I love him. I love him so much.” I hid my miserable eyes behind my palm while laughing at myself for being the stupidest man that I was.

“It doesn’t matter if you want to insult me and be mad at me for loving another man because to be honest, I could care less anymore. I just realized I love him when he is already in love with someone else. It’s cruel isn’t?” I laughed and held back my tears at the same time.

No insults came but only a rough slap across my face.

Pain stung in the left side of my face but it was nothing compared to the pain that was crumbling the happiness I had earlier into nothingness.

“I am angry at you for committing a sinful affair and for being a disgrace of a man however I am angrier at you for giving up so easily! I did not birth and raised a shameful man.” Helena hissed at me.

I looked at her dumbfounded.

“It will take me time to accept all of these but I surely am not a brute parent as to judge her own child. I admit I am quite distress because I know now that I will never be a grandmother in the future.” my mother further scoffed and I let out a faint smile.

Julian didn’t give up on me even though I hurt him so many times so why can’t I?

I finally understood the real meaning of heartache and it made me wonder how Julian managed to endure it during our secret relationship – he endured all of it for me.

His innocent heart sustained more than the pain I was feeling so this should be nothing, this shouldn’t be enough reason to just give him up so easily to someone else especially when now I know that I love him just like how much he love me.

I shouldn’t have jump to conclusion like that.

I shouldn’t have assumed things so hastily without hearing it from Julian himself.

I shouldn’t have given up on my love for him.

Not when I still had not told him what he needed to know. Not when I still had not proved to him how sorry I was for all the mistake I did and not when I still had not told him that I love him and that I want to make everything alright for us.

This pain was naught compared to the same unconditional love I have for him.

―

The moment I saw the man, who had the other half of my heart, imprisoned me with so many emotions. The moment he touched me, hugged me and also the moment he kissed me – all the feelings I had for him before came rushing back to me.

It came back all at once inside me and I lost control thus I became emotional.

It turned difficult when his mother, Helena, caught us in the act. It completely entrapped my conflicting heart in fear that I became afraid of doing something I might regret in my lifetime.

“Why did you kiss me?” I asked while cleansing a corsage of jasmine flowers beside Lucas who was helping me on the cleansing chore.

“I’m sorry. It just that when I saw how sore your eyes were, somehow I thought that he did something that made you cry again. I guess I wanted to show him that he could never hurt you anymore because you are mine or something like that.” I heard him elucidated.

“Did I misunderstood it?” he sounded troubled however I shook my head in denial, not because he did got the wrong idea but rather because I don’t know if there is really something he did misunderstood.

Even I don’t know what to understand.

“He kissed me too but I don’t know why or maybe because I can’t trust him to know why.” I claimed as I stood up from the floor and grabbed a pair of scissors for thinning before settling myself near the shelf of roses.

“Is that why you said nothing to him after I kissed you?” I paused upon hearing his words.

“What will I tell to him? That it meant nothing and it felt nothing to me? Do you want me to lie to him?” I riposted to him and he said none hence I resumed on my task.

True I don’t want to lie to him but then I don’t want to tell him the truth either and it confused me.

It saddened me that things became like this all because I fell in love with another man other than Dante. Imagine what would happen if things ended different and that I was not in love with someone else? Of course it won’t be like this.

But it doesn’t and that what makes it hard.

I touched him back, I hugged him back and I kissed him back too. No matter how much it pains me that I lost my trust for him – I still love him after all this time.

The pink roses in front of me seemed daring in a way that it showed me what I didn’t have earlier. Courage. I was not good at hiding my feelings and I was sure that he was bound to know it soon but that was what I was afraid of.

I was afraid to hurt Dante.

So what if he hurt me before? It doesn’t mean I should hurt him back. I’m not that cruel of a person.

“On his birthday, I will tell him that I still love him and I will tell him that I love you too.” I cut a single rose from its stem before bringing it under my nose, the petals touching my lips – my lips that were kissed by the two men I both love.

I don’t want to hurt them both but I can’t love them both either.

My lips, my body, my soul and my heart – all of me – it was not something a person can split in two and share with another.