“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” – Judy Garland

“Still sulking I see.” Sam spoke behind me.

I glanced over my shoulder and there I met his doubtful expression with his arms crossed in his chest. Sulking he said? Well I don’t think so. I just wanted to be alone to clear my head and think things again.

“No I am not.” I withdrew my sight away from him and resumed on mopping the stoned floor clean.

It had been my odd habit once in a while to hold a mop whenever I feel the need to relieve stress and to put my mind in ease. Although even by doing so, I was still not free from the complicated things that were causing my heart to stir and my mind to be on its edge.

I don’t want my heart to be torn into two.

Was it too late? Was I too late to prevent that? I had been avoiding Lucas at all cost after that night and it had been a month since then. Every so often, he would talk to me during our duties here in the tavern but I did my best to ignore him because I wanted to stop myself from loving him.

However instead of not loving him like I desired, it only made myself ached for him more. I miss being with him.

“Really? Then why do you look so sullen?” I heard my adopted father talked behind me again but I dismissed his query.

“Is it about that rich boy?” he asked and that caught my attention. He probably thought that I was thinking about my lover again considering the cheerless mood I was in but not at all, rather it only made me remember him which made me dismayed of myself much more.

Forgive me, Dante. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. I sadly thought to myself.

“More or less.” were the words I simply said after taking a seat on the bar stool with the mop handle still in my grasp. I leaned my elbow on top of the bar counter before resting my chin on my free palm with my eyes closed.

“More or less?” he repeated my phrase and I blinked my eyes open to see Sam standing in front of me on the other side of the bar counter, pouring a drinking glass of Old Ale in which he served to me later on.

I stared at him for the longest time until I decided to open up to him. “I think... I’m in love with Lucas or maybe I already am.” I imparted to him as I traced my finger on the round rim of the glass.

“And you’re upset over something like that?” he mused.

“It’s not something like that. I am upset because I might hurt him. He is a good person and he did so many good things for me. I am simply not good for him.” I sighed while rubbing the back of my neck, getting more unsettled than a couple of minutes ago.

“Enough of it, Julian. It won’t help either if you keep on doubting yourself like that. Seriously what happen to the man who believes in himself and once stood up from his brother, the man who loves another person without any hesitation?” Sam returned a stern look at me.

He lit up a tobacco without looking away from me. “The man you’re talking about and the man sitting in front of you are two different people.” I replied lowering my eyes on the glass of ale on top of the bar counter.

“Exactly! That is what I’m talking about. Don’t change into someone you’re not.” he leaned in and pointed his burning tobacco in front of my face – it was as if he loathes the man I become.

My adopted father soon removed his tobacco from my direction before pulling something out of his trousers’ pocket. He then placed a paper on the counter and I studied it only to see that it was a pamphlet about a theater audition.

It was a theater audition for musicians like me.

“I supposed this will be a great opportunity for you to move on. I meant not to say for you to forget about the rich boy. I just want you to start doing something for yourself.” he pinched the bridged of his nose, somewhat pissed to Dante and he probably wanted me to forget about him but I guess he chose not to say it.

“Sulking here will not get you anywhere.” he added although I may not understand what he is trying to tell me, at least I know that he meant it for my own good.

“Also I am not much of a decent adviser and I don’t think I can. Sure you love both of them but as long as you know who you love most, then you know what to do. It was all I can say because I was quite useless when it comes to things like that.” he grunted at the end of his words.

“I guess you’re right. So do you know where Lucas is?” I asked.

“He said something about a workshop in his previous place.” he took the glass of ale on the counter before drinking it himself in one go.

I figured that I should apologize to Lucas in the least because he was not at fault and I shouldn’t be so cold regardless of my feelings for him. Like what my old man said, ignoring him would not help me at all and it would only make things more difficult for me.

And also because I already know who I love most and that person was the one who hurt me most.

I folded the pamphlet and put it inside my pocket before standing up from my seat. “Thank you, dear father.” I smiled which made him blush mad especially at the word that I know would flatter him best.

“Fool.” Sam murmured, biting the rim of the glass in embarrassment.

―

Terraced houses. I presumed that this was the third time I came here and the always identical outlook of houses sharing walls with their neighboring unit was what welcomed me. The houses were the same like the one next to them that someone would probably find it difficult to tell something apart.

Both my leather shoes descended an inch on the snow as I stared at the fifth building in front of me.

Am I doing the right thing? I inquired to myself, hesitant on the idea of rejecting him again. Indeed I intend to deny his feelings because it was for the best. I don’t want to lead him like how I was led by the love of my life before.

I don’t want Lucas to suffer the same painful things like I did. I don’t want him to be someone’s another lover like how I was.

Nonetheless I still hesitate and I found it hard to approach the porch but I set aside my uneasiness and proceeded to walk near the entrance before delivering a series of knock on the wooden surface of the door.

Not too long, the man whom I was falling in love with came and answered the door. “Julian! I didn’t expect you to come here but oh well... come in.” he beamed a smile after seeing me and he gestured me to come inside in which I abode.

“I’m sorry.” I said after Lucas closed the door behind him.

“I am here to apologize for the rudeness I had been displaying this whole month without even telling you anything. I shouldn’t have done that. I am deeply sorry for ignoring you all this time.” I explained one of the reasons of my sudden visit.

“It doesn’t matter because I will always understand you regardless of the reason. I will always understand you because I love you.” he replied and hearing his last sentence was too much for my heart to take in but anyhow I let it be though the awkwardness was there.

His facial features softened and it made my heart skipped a beat. “I love you and I miss you.” he shifted closer to me and held my chin in his thumb before tilting my face to look up to his.

“I miss you so much.” he added with a genuine smile which stole my breath for a moment.

“Uh... I didn’t disturb you or anything right?” I looked away in haste.

He chuckled in glee. “Not at all. Well do you want to see my workshop? It’s actually not that great but still I want you to see it.” he offered and I agreed.

I agreed thinking that this could be a possible chance for me to figure out how I would reject him sooner or later. Surely I should not be this trouble considering how many times I already refused him before but this time was completely different.

I want to refuse him even though I love him too. No matter how you see it, its plain difficult.

―

“This is my workshop.” he stated.

The workshop room was nothing out of ordinary and it was just like what I had expected it to be. The room was of the similar size and interior as his bedroom except it doesn’t have the furniture of a bedroom but instead it had tools and equipment.

Few brittle vases and pots were arranged on a wooden shelf against the wall while dirt stained rags were laid on top of a table nearby and it seemed like he had just used it a while ago. Floor mats, both dry and wet, were a mess on the floor but still and all – it appeared a decent place to me.

“It’s nice.” I praised as I continued to scan around the room until I casted my sight on specific equipment I assumed to be a potter’s lathe and there I realized that he was an artist like Dante.

But he was an artist who makes pots and ceramic vases.

“Would you like me to show you how I use it?” Lucas questioned me after undressing himself of his clean shirt, most likely as to not stain it in the process.

“I don’t know.” I bit my lip somewhat uncomfortable seeing him half-naked despite the fact that this was not the first time he appeared before me like this. Heat was gradually arousing up my head that made me more restless than a minute earlier.

Though it subsided the second he took my hand in his. “Are you alright?” he asked concerned.

I nodded. “I’m fine. I am just a little discomfort.” I murmured as polite as I can be. He stared at me clueless at first until he got the hint since I tried to look at anything but his bared upper body. Sincere laughter escaped his lips and it brought shivers down in my bones.

“So honest of you but don’t worry cause I’m not going to do unpleasant things to you trust me.” he let go of my hand before taking my muffler and my winter coat off hence leaving me only in my dress shirt. Then he folded my sleeves up to my arm.

Somehow I was starting to forget the other reason why I came here in the first place.

He motioned me to take one of the stool chairs and I did while he took the other one behind me. Then he moistened my palms with his damped ones and I felt the sudden tingles from them – tingles that sent butterflies soaring inside my body.

Lucas threw a round clump of clay on the wheel and I watched it as the wheel began to spin in slow pace.

He held my hand before guiding them on the spinning clay, the smooth but cold touch of the clay was the feeling I got from the palm of my hands. Broad chest pushed itself against my back and loud heartbeats vibrated through me, I shuddered from the inside.

“I think of this clay as your heart. Smooth and delicate that made me want to touch them all the time.” he mumbled behind my ear and I felt the muscles of my heart melting into hot passion.

“But they’re broken and ugly.” I said in a soft whisper.

“Then I’ll just have to mend them together and shape it into something beautiful as you.” he interlaced his fingers with mine in a dance that made the spinning clay into a jar-like form.

I opened my mouth to speak the words I needed to tell him but hesitation prevented me to muster them. Anxiousness concealed my calm demeanor that I didn’t bother to say anything else but only the uncertainty imprisoning my heart.

Silence filled the room and it only disputed the conflicting emotions in me that it rob me of my courage to reject him but everything faded, even my reason, in the instant he enveloped me in an embrace with his arms around my own.

“I love you, Julian.” he buried his face in my shoulder, his breathing ripping me of my freedom to breath.

He lifted his head up and turned to meet my silver eyes in a captivating gaze before pressing his lips into mine. Our lips entangled in a kiss that was not deep and lustful, it was simply a sweet kiss.

My heart raced a million miles with my entire being drowning itself into the ocean of his affection and there I realize that I was falling much more for this man. I had fallen far too deep in his love that I can’t bring myself to deny it anymore.

I love him like how much I love Dante.

I shifted in my seat in order to face him up front thus letting me feel his beating heart on my own and his skin capturing mine in a tender warmth that I moaned passed his lips.

Hands grabbed into my waist while mine held onto his neck, both our bodies not letting go of the other.

Soon I decided to let go of his lips then I looked at his eyes. “I love you too, Lucas.” I confessed not wanting to hide these feelings because after all I was not good at hiding them anyway.

Chestnut orbs locked into me until familiar lips kissed me again.

Love and passion from him entered me through the mouth and it overflowed inside my small heart. My grey eyes mirrored in his brown ones, both of us searching the other’s soul through them and I think he found mine so did I.

Lucas broke the kiss and smiled so lovingly to me, “Thank you for loving me.”

The wheel ceased from spinning since neither one of us was no longer using it. I reached my stained hand to his face and I caressed it with the clay painting his cheeks.

Silence sang again as I waited for myself to feel regret, disgust or anything that will dare me to deny this love I have for him however I received none but only the guilt of falling in love for another man. The guilt blended perfectly in between my love for the two of them.

It blended so well that I can’t discern as to who I was guilty for.

“I love you but I don’t want to be. No I mean I don’t think I can... I can’t because I-” Lucas stopped my lips with his thumb.

“No need to explain it to me. Like I said I will always understand you and I do. I promise I will not push you into things you don’t want to because knowing that you love me too is truly enough for me.” he stroke my lips but didn’t kissed them again.

His pure sincerity was certainly a wonder to see. It left me speechless. I can’t understand how he can easily understand me and my reasons.

“I know you still wait for him and I am not mad about it. I will wait for you to stop waiting for him. No matter how long it takes, I will always be here waiting for you.” he ended.

―

Things returned to the way it was before. The tavern is animated as usual even in the middle of winter season.

“Lucas can you add wood in the fireplace?” I heard Sam ordered him in which he gladly did. He had been like that since yesterday, the day of my confession. I guess his mood had something to do with the fact that I was now reciprocating his love for me.

But even though we both feel the same towards one another, we still remained friends.

He held on his promise and he really didn’t push me further. He understood that I didn’t want to since I didn’t wish to be like my lover. I was not willing to let Lucas commit a sinful affair like I did because I love him.

“What are you thinking about?” my adopted father asked me while I was washing the beer mugs. I shrugged in silent response.

“So you already know who you love most?” he asked me again but this time I didn’t shrug nor did I turn around to face him.

“No I don’t.” was my simple reply.

I was kind of glad that he didn’t ask me anymore because I don’t think I can answer anything about my torn heart. He sighed before letting me be on my own, at least I was no longer sulking and mopping the floor again although things were still hard for me.

Who I love most? I wonder if I’ll ever find the answer for that.

A corsage of white roses came into my line of sight. I glanced up to see it was Lucas who was holding a pot of the said roses to me. Then I noticed the pot in his hands, it was the pot we both made in his workshop.

It was just an ordinary vase like the ones you can easily find in the marketplace but somehow in my eyes, it is something so precious.

“This is for you, Julian. I want you to have this as part of our memories together. I want you to have this so you would know that I always love you.” he said with a candid smile that affected me so well, his affection was truly too much for me.

“It’s beautiful.” I replied after taking the pot of roses from him.

“Thank you and... I love you too.” I felt overwhelmed by my own words because after all, my affection for him was also too much for the half of my heart.

The romantic film is my inspiration for this chapter.