Alex Pettyfer as Julius Hartwell

“Solitude has soft, silky hands, but with strong fingers it grasps the heart and makes it ache with sorrow.” – Kahlil Gibran

It had been a week since my lover, Dante, left me and I spent all those days moping in despair. I tried to pretend once that everything was alright but it was useless. The things around me only made me remember him all the time and the happiness we shared in the past.

But that happiness was what tore me apart because I know that it will never happen again.

These sad thoughts of mine still engulfed me as I continued to live my days without him and saying that it was difficult was merely an understatement. There was nothing harder than waking up one day to realize that our relationship was over and he was no longer here.

“Place these carnations next to the gardenias,” said a masculine voice.

I turned my head around and I was greeted by a familiar pair of silver blue eyes looking down on me.

I stood up from the floor before taking the flower pot from him without a word. He stared at me for a moment as if debating on something but soon he let me be. I placed the said flower pot on the plant stand near the only display window of this shop and next to the gardenias.

The man earlier was my brother, Julius. He was my fraternal twin and he was younger than me by a minute although his appearance and personality appeared more mature than mine hence people sometimes mistook me as the younger one.

The both of us were once very close even after he learned that I was different, in a way that I was not attracted to women. He accepted me for who I was but then our close relationship began to strain when I became someone’s secret affair.

My brother accepted the person I was but not the person I love.

I looked over the shop window and I frowned upon seeing my own reflection. Dark circles were marking themselves under my eyes and my lips were no longer flushed like always. The cream color of my face diminished that I ended up looking pale – dead pale.

I ignored my unhealthy appearance and proceeded to resume on nurturing the plants.

Like my brother who owned this shop, I also adored anything and everything about flowers and plants, their softness against my fingers when I touch them and their unique colors when I stare at them were always my source of comfort all the time.

And right now, they were my solace for my broken heart.

“Samuel told me everything. I’m sorry for not being there for you.” the same voice came beside me.

“I know and I understand but still... you don’t forgive me for cheating on someone else’ fiancée right?” I replied as I picked up a water bucket nearby before starting to water the flowers and plants mildly to prevent them from withering.

“I got what I deserve.” I included without sparing a glance on him out of fear that I’ll see him angry again just like the time I confessed to him about my relationship with the person I was forbid to be with.

“What did you say?” Julius asked with his tone sounding upset right after I told him about what happened on the dinner I had with Dante and Amelia earlier.

“I said that I agreed to be his affair. I know it is wrong but I love him and I want to be his even if our relationship is sinful. Please understand me.” I explained my reason to him while still wearing the vent suit I wore during the dinner.

“How can you expect me to understand it? I told you that you can’t love someone who is already engaged, why can’t you listen to me?” he retorted as he struggled on sitting still on the wooden bar stool.

Sam, on the other hand, was quietly listening to our argument behind the bar counter with a tobacco in his mouth.

“I know you love him but that doesn’t mean he loves you too all because he asked you to be his affair. It’s clear to me that he is only using you!” he added loudly as I merely stood a couple of feet from him lost for words.

“You will not see him again.” he finished and it made my heart stiffened.

“Please don’t do this. I am aware that he is not in love with me but I don’t care. I am willing to do anything and be anything for him because that is how much I love him.” I reasoned out with tears building in my eyes.

Then all of a sudden, he slammed both his fists on the table hard and loud enough to scare me.

“Fine, do what you want! But don’t you speak to me again. I don’t condone anyone committing an immoral relationship even if that person is my own brother.” he bellowed with his sharp glare emitting resentment towards me.

Seeing him that way for the first time terrified me so much that I didn’t really speak to him since then, although I still came here in his shop.

But then why talk to him now? Seriously I didn’t know why.

It might be because somewhere deep in me, I need my brother. I need to see him and feel him so that I can at least forget the immense pain I had in my chest.

“I already forgave you a long time ago.” Julius said and I was stunned to hear that, which I paused on the chore I was doing then a feeling of relief began to clasp around my soul.

He was staring straight at me when I sent a look to him. “If there is someone I truly couldn’t forgive then it won’t be you or him, it will be me. I can’t forgive myself for not being there when he left you. I’m so sorry Julian.” he claimed with his expression full of regret.

“Don’t blame yourself after all I should have listened to you in the first place.” I responded with a grimace. I wonder since when did I became so pessimistic of myself.

“I blame it all on me.” I added further with remorse spreading within me.

He simply sighed after taking the water bucket from me. “It’s time for you to go home. Thanks for helping me here. I appreciate it.” he gave me a single pat on my shoulder before turning his back to me. I watched him walked away.

I didn’t want to go home.

As much as I dislike staying in a place that won’t comfort me, I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I can’t possibly stay with my brother considering that he was living together with his wife.

He was a married man and that was one of the reason he refused to accept my affair in the beginning.

I put on my coat and ready to call it a day when I heard my brother called to me again. “I may be younger than you and I probably won’t do much help either however... I’ll always be here if you need a shoulder to cry on.” Julius said with his back still facing me.

“I know.” I let out a ghost smile.

I paced towards the door and went to grab the handle but I halted for a moment to inhale the fragrance of flowers inside. The aroma was bequeathing a pleasant feeling in me that it erased the remorse I had in myself. But it couldn’t the erase the emptiness I had in my heart.

This emptiness in me that only him could fill.

―

The tavern was the same like every day and will remain the same for the countless days ahead. Common people with faces I know were in their best laughter like the numerous times they were here. Everything was the same and will still be the same.

The world was still and will go on like my painful love didn’t exist.

“Oh it’s you. Good because someone has been waiting for you here for half an hour.” Sam informed me after seeing that it was me who came through the entrance door. My heart immediately leaped upon hearing his statement and a spark of hope ignited in me.

A little of hope that the man I love came back for me.

But disappointment crushed my feelings in a heartbeat when I casted my sight on the man sitting on the bar stool in front of my adopted father. The handsome person looked over his shoulder and he smiled after seeing me.

“Lucas, what are you doing here?” I asked astonished.

He shifted on his seat to face my direction before crossing his legs decently. “Is there something I should do other than visiting?” he teased me and I knew by then that he was probably trying to lift up my mood because his honest eyes said so.

Since anyone could tell I was not doing well at first glance, seeing how pallid my face was.

I ignored him without further ado because I certainly didn’t need him worrying over me like it was his obligation to. I didn’t need him.

“I’ll go to my room so please don’t make dinner for me, Sam. I don’t have appetite.” my feet strode past the barroom and into the staircase. Somewhere in my mind, I can imagine my father with concern masking his face since breakfast was the only meal I had not skipped in this day.

All through this week, I had been taking less and less food and he had been insisting me to not miss a single meal but I continued my persistence – my stomach really had no appetite.

It didn’t take a minute for me to reach my bedroom and glum darkness was concealing the entire room once I opened the door though I didn’t bother to turn on the lights because the dimness will give me solitude and that was exactly what I want right now.

The desire to be alone.

I locked the door behind me and advanced to the bed before slumping myself on top of it. The comfortable sensation enveloped my body with luxury which made my muscles relaxed to its defenselessness. The soft fabric touched me in the face so tenderly it pained me.

The scent of flowers shrouding my clothes instantly raided my senses that I felt my eyes beginning to sting from the tears.

I didn’t need the bed to comfort me. I didn’t need the perfume-like smell to ease me. I don’t need someone to console me. I didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for me. I only need him and him only.

I need my lover to be here with me.

I need his presence beside me. I need his arms around me for an embrace. I need his hands on my skin for a caress. I need his voice for a lullaby. I need his lips on mine for a kiss. I need all of him.

I need him so badly it hurts.

Abundant solitariness confined me with its silence trapping me in the deepest abyss of my own depression. Sorrow and grief drilled great pain in my chest and the feeling of loneliness was sinking my soul into oblivion – everything no longer felt right.

This hollowness inside me was slowly devouring me whole.

“Why did you leave me, Dante? Didn’t you asked me to be your lover? Didn’t you tell me that you’ll end your marriage with her? Didn’t you promise me that you’ll be here? So why?” a low cry escaped my lips and tears eluded from my eyes.

“Why can’t you love me too?” I gripped the bed sheets beneath me.

My heart was lamenting on its own ache when a couple of knocks resounded on the door. A lump tangled in my throat which prevented my cries from rising.

“Julian, are you alright?” I recognized that deep tone without a failure and I forced to swallow back the lump before gathering the strength of my voice.

“Please leave me alone. I didn’t ask for you to come here and I didn’t ask for you to be concern for me. Please I need to be alone.” I tried my best not to whimper but it didn’t sound well much to my dismay.

“I brought you your dinner.” the sound of door knob turning resonated though sadly, he won’t be able to open it since I locked it. Why was he so obstinate on taking care of me?

“I am not hungry. Please leave me alone already will you?” I pleaded in desperate.

“No I refuse to leave you. Had I not tell you that I won’t let you be alone? Had I not also tell you that I want you to share all the burden and pain you have?” Lucas replied on the other side and somehow hearing those words irritated me so much I want him to disappear.

“No one asked you to not leave me alone and I absolutely won’t share anything to you! I don’t need you!” I screamed in haste that I felt my anger vibrating in me.

However instead of hearing his footstep fading into the distance, I heard him take a seat in front of the door and hinting to me that he will not move an inch from there and it infuriated me more.

“Fine! Sit there until morning for all I care. I never asked for your help and will never do. So stop pretending that you care for me when you are really are doing this out of pity!” I seethed loud enough for him to hear yet he still didn’t budge from his place.

I didn’t need him.

He was annoying me to no end hence I disregard him completely before burying my face on the soft pillow. Then it reminded me of the morning I had been together with the love of my life, the morning where everything was alright.

The last morning of our relationship.

The appealing smell of a rose and the delicate touch of its petals against my lips and chest, the memories still felt so real to me – so real that it tormented me all over again.

Such miserable thought brought more anguish in me that I had no will to hold back my cries and I was no longer sure how long I cried that night. I can’t remember how many times I called my lover’s name until sleep imprisoned me on a dreamless slumber.

―

The noise of people gathering downstairs woke me up and I groaned upon feeling a tingling ache around my dried eyes as a result of my endless crying all night.

The usual soreness was welcoming my body in its morning ritual which I would sometimes wonder if I was getting into the worst of depression but to tell the truth, I rather prefer this depression than the unending torture of my unrequited love.

It was such a cruelty how my trust, hope and wish were all crushed in a single day.

“Tell me, Dante, is there a reason for me to wait for you?” I mumbled uncertain. Insecurities and doubts were clouding my mind that I actually fear for something for the first time in my life.

I fear to hope again.

I pushed the thoughts to the depths of my mind as I tiredly sat up from the bed. The fragrance of carnations and gardenias wws still cloaked on my now crumpled clothes then out of the blue, I remembered Lucas. Surely he won’t still be in front of the door right?

Nonetheless my intuition told the opposite.

I stood up and headed for the door, hesitant to see if he was still there. Why was I so bothered? Itching anxiety crawled underneath my skin when I heard someone breathing through the wooden surface of my door.

It couldn’t be him I was sure. It could be some drunken man falling asleep in the hallway right?

Uneasiness held my breath as I slowly opened the door and a tremor of shock pounded into me upon seeing him still sitting on the same spot last night with his arms crossed in his chest and a tray of food beside him. He was sleeping soundly despite the uncomfortable position he was in.

He really stayed here until morning and it was already near noon.

I felt guilt and conscience stabbing me in the back that I abruptly slammed the door closed out of disbelief. How could I be so harsh as to let him remain there when I had a choice to politely ask him to leave? How can I be so heartless?

“Julian?” I heard him asked and it made me feel bad for myself.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured with my back sliding against the door until I reached the floor.

“I didn’t mean to be bitter to you. I’m just afraid that others may take advantage of my weakness. I’m scared of trusting someone again. But then I shouldn’t use my depression as an excuse because it is not enough reason for me to be insensitive.” I explained while feeling more horrible of myself.

“Are you hungry?” he inquired. I don’t know if he was evading the subject or he was simply not making a big deal about it.

The image of the food beside him lingered on my mind although I still didn’t have that much appetite, maybe this was a good idea to make it up for my fault.

“I don’t know but I’ll try.” I replied after reaching up to the doorknob without standing up. I opened the door wide enough for the wooden tray to fit inside and in just a short moment, I saw his hand pushed the tray on the floor before I closed the door again.

The food consisted of my favorite dinner meal Sam had been making in attempt to bring back my appetite.

Surprisingly I felt my body gaining its hunger which I didn’t neglect anymore hence I started to dig in on my meal and the cool temperature of the food couldn’t stop me from finishing it in less than five minutes – I ate like a malnourished child.

“It’s understandable if you can’t trust me right now. I’ll just have to prove it to you that I am not doing to this because I feel sorry for you.” Lucas said and I could sense the honesty in his voice.

“I don’t love you.” I responded faster than the clock.

However he merely chuckled. “I know because you had said it to me for the third time already. I don’t mind waiting for you to give me a chance and let me in inside your heart. I will heal all of your wounds with my love.” he claimed with such words that made my heart kindled with warmth.

It made heat blushed in my face.

“Y-you’re so direct.” I stuttered, finding difficulty to accept what he just said after all he was the first person to have said something so sincere to me.

In spite of Dante being my first love, he never once said something so genuine to me and hearing it from another felt strange for me. It felt peculiar and his words were kind of affecting me in a weird way that I didn’t know how to react.

“I love you.” he added and I bit my lower lip out of embarrassment.

“I’m sorry about last night.” I averted the topic in endeavor to change the awkward atmosphere since I didn’t know what else I would feel if he continued to say something so true from the heart.

“It’s okay. I hold no hard feelings for that.” he chuckled again.

―

It took us an hour talking about random things I asked him because likewise I had been trying to make him avoid speaking another honest word to me – words that would make me feel odd and speechless.

He was still here and he had been lending a hand on managing the tavern Samuel owned. I was occupied on my usual duty of being a server to our regular customers and Lucas, on the other hand, was on his bartending chores.

It was a great help for him to be here since he made work much easier for me and my adopted father and seeing him doing his best to help me, in any way he can, was really impressing me to no end.

And he was also helping me endure my depression.

“Can you clean the empty room across yours later before night?” Sam requested while lighting his stick of tobacco beetle after he was done on tending the wine barrels.

“Eh? What for?” I asked as I placed the used beer mug on the bar counter for someone to clean later.

“That friend of yours, Lucas, asked me that he would like to work here yesterday. He also asked me to rent him a room and deduct the payment from his salary. I agreed since he doesn’t seem a bad person so that’s that.” he replied and I was stunned to the core of my bones as I listened to his statement.

“He will be here with us from now on.” He finished and a part of me told me that there will be a lot of surprises for me in the future.