👆🏻👍🏻

🥺😚

XXX

I woke up on the floor. Tears stained my face. It all felt like a nightmare.

But I knew it was all too real.

I remember his words so clearly that it hurt.

I can't let the person I love die because for me!

He said he loves me.... if he loved me, then why did he leave.... they all leave anyway. It's all just a lie.

I wiped the stained tears from my eyes and looked around the room. Hoping to god Jay was here. Knowing there was no chance he was.

I looked at the floor to see something laying by the door.

I slowly picked myself off the ground and grabbed the small item of the ground.

I examined the object, seeing a small blue, round panda. Hooked to a keychain. Immediately I knew it was Jay's.

I clutched the small object in my hand, feeling the tears start up again as I held it to my chest.

I missed him already....

I looked at the clock as it read 7:43pm on the clock. I was only knocked out for two and a half hours since Jay left.

It hurt like hell.

But I knew life wasn't all cupcakes and rainbows.

This is where I'd appreciate a unicorn shitting sprinkles. Something to let me know this was just a shitty dream.

I sighed, realizing I had the late shift tonight. Starting at 8:30.

I cried silently as I got dressed into my uniform. Now completely sober from alcohol, but drunk on my own tears.

I fixed my uniform to the best of my ability and slowly left my apartment, sticking the small keychain in my pocket. Leaving My feelings. Everything.

I stopped crying and was now dead. I didn't feel anything but the lingering sadness in the back of my head as I drove to work.

Everything was black and white. No longer colorful. Just dull and grey.

I parked my truck in the parking lot and got to work barely on time.

"Hey Bryant! You ready- oh shit.... dude... you look like shit..." Cole piped up, talking with the gang that all happened to share the night shift with me.

"Fuck off Cole. You're driving patrol tonight." I grabbed the keys to our assigned car and walked out the door without another word. I could feel their eyes on me. Watching. Wondering. But I wasn't going to say anything.

I got in the passenger seat of the patrol car, looking out the window. I knew if someone said something I'd end up punching one of them or doing something worse that I'd regret.

I was upset. Angry. Sad. Pissed. Depressed. Ragging. I didn't know how to describe it.

The car door opened.

"Trevor..." Cole started.

"Don't." I warned. He just sighed, pulling out of the parking lot and starting our route.

XXX

No one was out accept for the occasional car, all of them knowing that we like to park and patrol right here. They all knew not to speed. At least right here within our radar.

The car was dead silent. The occasional radio call coming in. That was it. Every little sound made me want to punch something. And I was on the verge of breaking.

"Hey, you wanna get coffee? I'm dying here." I was about ready to flip if he was going to ask me what was wrong. But luckily for the both of us, he didn't.

"Yeah." I sighed, looking out the window at the road of a few cars coming our way. Gripping the keychain in my hand.

He didn't reply, which I appreciated.

He slowly pulled the car out of our 'hiding spot' and drove down the road to the 24 coffee stand. It was cheep and the only one open considering it was around 10pm.

We made it there with only one person working. They looked to be in their 20s. Kinda cute. Silver hair, tattoos, piercings. And they smiled at us.

"What can I get you boys?" They smiled at us. Their short silver hair flowing in front of their face, kinda like Jay.... I gripped the chain tighter.

"I'll have a Carmel Macchiato, 20oz." Cole eyed them up and down, clearly flirting. I just rolled my eyes.

"What about you big guy?" They flirted a bit towards me.

"Black coffee. 20oz." I mumbled. But they seemed to get my order even though I spoke under my breath.

They winked at both of us before going to the side and making our order. They worked fast.

They threw the drinks together quickly, taking Cole's card. Paying for the drinks.

The barista handed his card back, giving me the receipt.

"You ever need some fun officer.... Bryant. Feel free to give me a call." They winked at me before shutting the window and going to the back of the stand.

I looked at the back of the receipt and saw a number written neatly on the back.

"Damn. You get all the girls." I rolled my eyes.

"I don't even think that was a girl. Or a guy necessarily." Cole's eyes widened.

"Uuuuhhhgggggg, I need to get laid!" Cole whacked his head on the steering wheel once before pulling away from the stand. I just rolled my eyes at his comment. He was irritating me.

I took a sip of my black coffee, immediately thinking of Jay and how he remembered I liked my coffee black. I stared at my coffee, rubbing my thumb along side it.

I didn't even realize we were back in our spot for patrol.

"You alright there? Didn't know coffee was so interesting." He chuckled as he took a big drink of his coffee.

I didn't answer. I didn't know how to without sounding pathetic or wanting to punch him.

"You okay?" My face relaxed into a glare. My natural bitch face. I stared down my coffee before taking a big drink.

"Piss off Cole." I said in short. He just sighed.

"Just know I'm here for you dude... just don't do anything stupid." I nodded. Not saying anything. There wasn't anything to say anyway.

So we both sat there, drinking coffee, sitting in silence.

XXX

It was the end of our shift. 4am. I got home already and stripped myself of my uniform.

I laid on the bed, thinking. Probably a bad idea, but it wasn't like I had anything better to do.

Jay popped into my head like he always does... wearing his cute frilly skirts, knee high socks, pastel colors, everything. His smile, his light freckles plastered all over his smooth skin, his soft black hair, and his doll-like brown eyes.

I smiled thinking about his eyes. Every time I looked into his eyes, that's was all I could see. Every color peeking through when the sun made his eyes glisten like honey.

Every time he smiled it made me smile. His laugh was contagious. His confidence rubbed off on others. Everything about him.... he was perfect. IS perfect.

I pulled out my phone, scrolling to his messages, stopping. Stopping myself from texting him.

Every last text, looking at me. Boring into my brain.

I can't text him... I can't call him... nothing.

He claims to love me, but left me. I can't let the person I love die because of me...

I can't let the person I love....

I can't...

The person I love...

Die because of me...

Every word, the tone in his voice. The way the tears rolled down his delicate face.

He was in pain. Not physically, but mentally. Every word he said was filled with pain. He was hurting and I didn't even know how to help.

I looked back through our texts. Every one of them making me smile. The way he used each emoji in his texts. The way I knew how he got flustered with each text that I knew would make him squirm.

☹️🥺

I smiled. Reading back through the various texts.

It hurt.

It hurt like hell. Every message swarming with affection and lust. Happiness.

I guess he was never truly happy...

But it got me wondering. How was he feeling? Was he as miserable as I was? Or was he of having the time of his life with some other guy?

I'm fucking miserable.

Yes, it was my own fault that I was feeling this way, but it was for his own good. My families good.

"I don't know what to do Freddy! He sounded crushed and I was the one that caused it!" I cried into Freddy's lap.

"I don't know what to tell ya kid. I would have gladly helped you move way with him. He seems like a good guy." Freddy ran his fingers through my hair. It reminded me of Trevor. Every time. He always ran his fingers through my hair.

"That's because he's a great guy Freddy! I fucking love him and my dumbass broke up with him because I didn't want him to get hurt!" I cried.

"I'm sorry kid... I really don't know what to tell you. I don't think I've had this problem with any girl I've been with, so I can't help you there."

"Not helping Freddy." I said trying to dry the tears from my eyes.

"Sorry." He chuckled. "But you need to do something kid. You aren't yourself."

He was right. My dad destroyed all of the things that made me, me. My skirts, colors, stuffed animals. Everything. The only thing that I hid away from him and that was still safe, was the sweater Nana got me and Trevor's sweatshirt.

I wore black ripped jeans and Trevor's police academy sweatshirt. I still hadn't changed since last night and I took off a few weeks from the bar. No matter how much I needed the money, I couldn't risk seeing him again. Because I knew if I did, I'd be back in his arms. And I couldn't put him in that kind of danger.

"I-I know... but you know what dad'll do!"

Freddy sighed. "I know kid... I know..." he pet my hair, moving it out of my face.

"C-Can you stay in here tonight? I don't wanna be alone..." I squeaked out.

"Of course." He smiled weakly. "Anything."

"Thanks Freddy."

"No problem kid."

He ran his fingers through my hair, not saying anything.

It was quite and I enjoyed it. I needed it. It has only been 1 day, and I'm already tired of crying. My eyes hurt. Especially my swollen eye. My eyes were already puffy from crying, and the black eye didn't help.

"We should get down stairs kid... Dad'll be here soon." I sighed. Knowing it was close to the one of two things. Another beating, or more yelling. Knowing neither were good.

"I know..." I sighed, getting up.

I walked to my closet and peeled off Trevor's sweatshirt. I couldn't be wearing it around Dad. I had to hide my true feelings.

I grabbed the nearest black shirt I found, putting it on. It was two sizes too big, like most things that I owned. But at least I looked more 'manly'.

"Do I look enough like a guy?" I turned around asking Freddy sarcastically, my eyes still red and swollen from crying.

"You don't look like you.... if that's the answer you're looking for." He said sadly, frowning slightly.

"Great..." I sighed in frustration.

Freddy got up and patted my shoulder, dragging me out of my room.

I sighed as we both walked down the stairs.

"H-hi babies." My mom said weakly with a fake smile plastered on her face as she finished dinner. Her face sunken and looking worse than me.

"Hi mom." I said weakly, no smile this time. I didn't feel like faking it.

She fake smiled her best as we both sat at the table. I sat and fiddled with my fingers.

The door opened.

Dad.

I looked down at the table, afraid to look him in the eye.

"D-dinner's ready dear." My mom squeaked out, not looking him in the eye.

He grunted in response. Grabbing the beer from the fridge and sitting in his usual spot.

"Why the hell are you still here fag?!" He seethed.

"I-I'm not gay! It was just a shitty phase. I'm done with that shit, it wasn't w-worth it." It hurt to say those words. Because I knew that they absolutely weren't true.

"Then you won't mind me checking?" He got up with a grunt. The table shifting and the chair squeaking across the floor.

Then I realized... I didn't put Trevor's sweatshirt away.

"No, dad!" He was already up the stairs and in my room, holding his sweatshirt. "Dad, please... don't..."

"You fucking fag!" *slap*

It was a blur.

I couldn't see clearly, and I realized that I was on the cold hardwood floor.

He climbed over me, throwing the sweatshirt into the trash and spitting on it.

"I won't have you being a faggot in this household." He was out the door, slamming it shut.

As I laid on my side, I pulled my knees to my chest. Holding myself in a ball.

No one came for me.

Not Trevor, not Nana, not Freddy. Definitely not mom. She wouldn't dare defy him.

He was controlling us. And I couldn't do anything about it.

I huddled myself in a ball and silently cried. Wishing more than anything, Trevor would burst down that door and rescue me.

XXX

🥺

😚