If any of you have diabetes, get your insulin pumps ready.

If any of you have good healthcare plans, ring up your dentist and book an appointment for cavities.

And if any of you have a good looking dentist, let me know because my mum wants me to find a rich husband help.

Anyways!

I've vented a lot about reviewers. Sometimes, they are unreasonably harsh, or weirdly vague, or... way too good at pouring honey onto our egos.

One of the most notorious category of reviewers is the

Now, I want to make it clear: a nice reviewer is not necessarily a sugar-coater. Someone can be polite and friendly in their review, as well as positive and supportive, without being a sugar-coater. However, once that person starts ignoring any obvious weaknesses in a story and decides to gloss over clear grammatical errors... yeah, that's a problem.

As reviewers, we should try to help people with their stories while also encouraging them to keep trying. However, if you are encouraging them to continue lazy writing habits? Then, well, sure, it's great for their confidence. But it won't be great for them in the long-run when they submit their story to another reviewer and have it torn to shreds, and get extremely upset because no one told them that the issues in their stories were issues.

Look at it this way.

If you are teaching a dog how to eat grasshoppers, but you give them treats when they eat ladybugs instead, the dog may be happy and excited. However, when they enter the National Grasshopper Eating Contest, and then only eat ladybugs... they'll come dead last. They will cry. Their doggy parents will cry. Their dog food will cry. The universe will cry. And suddenly, ladybugs are extinct. And whose fault is it? Yours.

Well. That got intense.

Anyways! So I asked people to send me the worst possible writing they could send me so I could make fun of it, but then... I got another idea.

My Immortal.

So, without further ado, here is Sunshine's Extremely Sugar-Coated Review!

[Story is in italics; review is not]

CHAPTER ONE:

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and ice blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seven year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. Alot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Okay, wow! What an amazing, fantastic, fabulous, shockingly introduction to your story!

I love how you start the story with an info-dump on the character! It's so great knowing that her teeth are white and straight (perhaps it says something about capitalism?), and that she's a goth! I love her outfit so so much, wow, that's so cool!

Also, I like that you said that if readers don't know who Amy Lee is, they should get the hell out! Yes! Absolutely! What a great way to make sure your audience is only your target audience! I love it when authors make their stories as inaccessible as possible.

Also, what a cool introduction to Ebony! The first thing we see her do is walk outside. And, better yet, we have no idea where she walked out from? Or where she was in the first place? That's so awesome because it really is adding a sense of mystery to the story!

And also, the preps... I love how absolutely vague you are with that! Like, are they preschoolers? In Australia, we call kids in kindergarten/preschool "preppies", so is she sticking her middle finger up at little children?

Awesome.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was..... Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?"

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

[END OF CHAPTER ONE]

Omg! That's such a dramatic end! So much happened!

Meeting Draco Malfoy but having no description of him or the setting around him... wow. I just cannot get over how mysterious everything is! I love that sense of just not-knowing. It's totally what I want in a book. I love imagining the characters float around in an empty room.

And also, the extra dots in the ellipsis? Who cares if it's grammatically incorrect? It's so good because it really builds suspense before we meet Draco! Same with the incorrect period when he says "Nothing." It really shows us how shy and awkward he is.

Also, wow, the ending is so freaking intense. Being called away from her lover so dramatically, with so much purpose and desire... ugh. What a cliffhanger. Cannot wait for chapter two!

CHAPTER TWO:

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

Wow! This is such a start to the chapter! Snowing and raining again? The absolute drama. The lack of sunshine really shows the despair and agony she is going through.

Also, wow, springing up the blood drinking on us like that! What a pleasant way to surprise your reader! But instead of telling me what kind of blood and how it's sourced, leaving me to believe it's just frog blood or something, you make the whole paragraph about her outfit instead. Just perfect. I really wanted to know about what she was wearing. Especially since the last outfit you showed us in chapter one ended up having no relevance to the plot at all.

My friend, Willow (AN : Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Mason t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and blackeyeliner.)

Hell yeah! Now we have a friend in the action, too! The characterisation is spot on. I love how you've shown us she is quite quirky with the colourful hair, and the fact that they put on make-up together shows they are blood bestie. Such clever use of showing instead of telling!

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

This. Is. So. Perfect.

Showing us their friendship through their banter! I just love Ebony's mood swing from blushing to yelling. The fact that she is so dynamic and inconsistent makes her relatable to everyone. Clearly.

And oh my gosh, Draco is here now... I'm so on the edge of my seat.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well..... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

[END OF CHAPTER TWO]

Where do I even start?

The bad grammar. So perfect. It really shows the reader that they are rule-breakers. Perfection.

And don't get me started on the way she said 'hi' so flirtily! Because nothing is more flirty than saying 'hi!' Man, whenever I want to flirt, I always just say 'hi'. Works like a charm.

Also, what a captivating end! She gasped! Oh my goodness! I wonder what she'll do! Do you think she'll say no? I think that's a huge possibility! Since... obviously, there's gotta be some sort of dilemma. Right? Right?

I had planned to do more, but then chapter three had some intense triggering stuff that was done really poorly, and chapter four had smut. So... I had to wrap it up at chapter two.

Still, while this is obviously highly exaggerated, this is what a sugar-coated review looks like! It is overwhelmingly sweet, points out all the positives, and then continues to frame all the things that need improving in a way that makes them sound like strengths. Yikes.

Hope you had fun reading! Because I had a lot of fun writing!