I would like to precede this chapter with just a warning: there will be rather vulgar language in this chapter. Why? Well. It's about Wattpad comments. That stuff ain't a clean place. That stuff can be straight up more thirsty than my great uncle who legitimately had six wives.

With that being said, let's launch into the chapter!

The comment section of Wattpad. Truly, it is a wonderful place.

For those who doubt me, have you seen that Twitter account called "Wattpad Comments"? It's glorious. They compile some of the best comments across Wattpad and share them with the world. Here are some recent examples:

"ENOUGH LOVE WHERE IS TRAUMA ?"

"is reincarnation optional can't i just stop there"

"One human kidney is worth 262k USD. With that you would get one semester and $87,000 leftover. If you sell your other kidney you get another semester with $174,000 left over. Congratulations, you are now a sophomore with no kidneys! Now you can sell your gallbladder ($1,219) to start off the semester! You have $219 left. For Semester B, you should sell your heart ($119,000) and liver ($157,000). Now you have $101,219 left over. You can use that to buy your casket and set up a cheap funeral because you are now a dead junior."

"if a man says poggers while he's inside of me I'm k1lling us both now no one's having fun"

"Shaving my pubes with your teeth?"

Again, this is a nasty place. Let's all go to a nunnery after this chapter.

But, for real! If you want to see more of that very entertaining content, I believe the username is 'wattpadcomment.'

Anyways, I thought it would be fun to talk about the types of comments we see on Wattpad! Let's go! Let's make this a family tree!

Also, I would love to see people attempt their own examples of these comments. Entertain me. Please.

I mean, this one is really straight forward. Most of their comments start with a * symbol, because their comments are probably just correcting a typo you made.

I know some people get frustrated when all they see on their stories are:

*there

*their

*they're

But really, this person is a blessing. They're literally telling you which mistakes you need to correct. Thanks, friends!

My titles are never subtle.

This is the type of commenter that goes from story to story, being an absolute pest. Because, instead of giving the story any credit or feedback or respect, they just comment to advertise their own story.

This comes in varying types of subtlety. Some try to link it to the story they're commenting on:

"Oh, I love this trope! I actually wrote about this in my own book, Cornflakes to Milkshakes, which is on my profile! Here is a link! You should check it out!"

And others are straight up just like:

"You should check out my story. Here's the link."

And then there's the:

"[insert link to the story with literally nothing else said.]"

For me, personally, I always get the:

"Hey, since it's 101 tips from an exhausted REVIEWER, please review my book, thanks in advance."

To be honest, I'm pretty sure I am the theatre cousin in real life. My musical is in less than a month! I'm excited!

But in terms of comments, this is the person who reacts to all the events in the story. Whenever there is a big twist, or a funny piece of dialogue, or even just intense action, you will be sure to find a bunch of in line comments where they are directly responding to whatever is happening in the story.

Some are quite calm, like:

"Oh my god, I can't believe she just stabbed him with a straw. That's so intense. I'm at the edge of my seat -- your writing was so dramatic and good for this scene."

And then you've got everyone else:

"OH MY GODDD OH MY GODGODGOGDGOO HOLY DOOLEY COW SHE WHAT???????????????"

A lot of comments that are written for book clubs across Wattpad can be found here! It's the really thoughtful, interested person who gives a summary of their thoughts on the chapter. However, while they leave it as a critique with feedback -- including things they wish you did better -- it is calm, professional, and honestly, really helpful.

It's basically like receiving a mini-review as a comment! These people are simply amazing. They tell you what they like, what they would do differently, and talk about the characters and storyline in a way that is quite inspiring.

While I'm sure a lot of us love our mothers, unfortunately, not everyone has great mothers. As someone who works with kids, I've seen some parents who make me quite sad because it's clear that they're not very encouraging and supportive of their kid. Sometimes, they barely even know their kid.

Like, once, one of my kids had her mother come to her final soccer game of the season, and the mother spent the whole game on her phone. When her daughter ran up to her after the game to tell her that she had scored two goals, her mother brushed it aside. And I literally wanted to cry for her.

Oops. That was depressing.

Another story: I had a mother pull her daughter out of soccer because she didn't like how the other girls in the soccer team talked about Kim Kardashian this one afternoon only. Ridiculous.

Anyways! Focus, Rhea, focus!

This is also a book club commenter, but this person who is supposed to write a thoughtful critique for the chapter instead writes something like this:

"This was really good!"

"Good chapter!"

"Didn't like it. Too much Kim Kardashian."

Basically, comments that were meant to be critiques but end up... being nothing. Like, give me something, bestie. What did you like? What didn't you like? What do you have against Kim Kardashian?

You know those dads who like... will beat you up if you talk trash about their kid?

This is that commenter.

I don't know how they do it. It's like they made some sort of deal with Wattpad HQ where, in exchange for some pencil sharpeners, they get a notification every time someone mildly criticises their favourite book.

Then, they go off. They explode. They eat up the person giving the polite critiques.

These people are scary. Be wary. I recommend applying some sage to your own comments to avoid them.

No one likes this guy. Because he's literally a flamer.

For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a flamer is someone who basically hates on a story. Unlike someone who leaves constructive criticism, this person bashes the story in a way that's really difficult to take in. Things like:

"This is the worst character in the world. I hate everything about this story. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your mother fed you banana custard as a kid and you wrote this trash? Disgrace."

Some people genuinely get harassed by flamers, which is always really painful to see. Especially when the flamer goes for really vulgar language and unacceptable insults.

This one is a specific one that was nearly not included in the chapter, until someone reminded me that they exist. Basically, imagine this scenario: you're reading a story, and the protagonist, this adorable child, sings a song about teaspoons.

Commenter A: Omg this is so cute! She is so precious!

Commenter B: Wtf is this? Why is she singing about teaspoons? That's so stupid?

Commenter C: ^ Two types of people.

Basically, this person is the one to point out the two conflicting opinions in the commenters above them. Another example that I saw: the story was some mafia billionaire thing, and so the CEO mafia businessman guy walks into the room.

Commenter A: Damn sis, give me his money.

Commenter B: Damn sis, I would rail him.

Commenter C: ^ Two types of people.

This commenter just doesn't say anything except for one of the following:

- ha

- haha

- hahaha

- hahahahahaahaha

- Lol

- Lmao

- Lmfao

- Rofl

- XD

Basically, they always just laugh at the story. And, as someone pointed out to me, we can't help but wonder if they're laughing at the contents within the story, or at our writing being cringey or something.

It's especially concerning when I'm reading a devastating, heart-wrenching death scene, and I see the comments where everyone is literally upset, but this one guy is like LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

In other words, this commenter has given up on words and instead uses emotes. And, honestly, I think they're onto something. Sometimes, a picture can hold a thousand words. For them, this picture is:

🙈💯😏

To be honest, they don't really want to be at the family function. But there's something really chilled out about them, because every time someone mildly relatable happens, they're just like "same" or "mood".

Same with these commenters!

And it's so funny to me, because sometimes it makes sense. Like, when the protagonist is like "it takes me an hour to deal with my curly hair", I see people write "same" or "mood" and it makes sense!

Then, I see a protagonist talk about how they just want to stick a remote controller up where the sun don't shine, and I see literally thirteen year olds on Wattpad write "same" and I'm like... no? Please do not do that? Why do you relate to this?

(But also, same.)

(Joking.)

Look. I needed a name.

But sometimes, you're just chilling out. Reading through your notifications. And you get a comment like this (and yes, I'm copying and pasting this, because I've gotten a ton of these):

Hi, ray_of_sunshine9. Sorry to bother you.I'm Tracy, the content editor of Hi_Novel, an online reading App from China which was founded in 2018. There are more than 7 million readers from all over the world on our App. You can download our App on IOS Store or Google Play. :) Initially we focused on our domestic books and translated them into English versions. Now we would like to invite more authors all over the world to provide multicultural novels for readers. I'm interested in your work The Lost Realm. We could proceed on our exclusive or non-exclusive cooperation and provide corresponding rewards to you. For more details, you can leave your email here. I will contact you asap. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. :)

Basically, some of these are legitimate apps that want to snag some authors on their site, but sometimes, it's literally just a scam.

My advice? Avoid, avoid, avoid.

This one is one of my absolute favourites, especially when they read my stories. Because, unlike most readers, these guys psychoanalyse everything.

Like, oh? The protagonist put on grey socks? Aha! That's to depict the protagonist's arc of absolute despair throughout the novel.

Oh, what's this? The author spelt the protagonist name incorrectly in chapter four? That's not a typo, no, no, no. The author must have a trick up their sleeve -- it's secretly a twin twist, and Kiera's twin is named Keira! Of course! Author, you absolute genius!

And I'm just like... awkwardly laughing along... thanking them for catching my absolute works of genius... and quickly rushing to the drawing room to add a twin twist to my story so they never have to learn that it was just a typo.

I say this one affectionately, because I do appreciate this person.

But, basically, there will always be at least one person who reads your book and will absolutely say:

"This book reminds me of [insert book title here]."

Like, your story could be as original as a toothpaste jumping off a cliff to find some underwater lizard castle. Your story could be about a foot that never stops bleeding. But still, there will be one person who has read every single book in the galaxy, and will make sure you know that you basically ripped of some author from the 1300s.

Still, though! This person can be great. Sometimes, I read the books they suggest are similar so I can learn more about my ideas and how to execute them.

This person is someone who is quite common.

Basically, they read a chapter. Comment. Vote.

Then, for every other chapter you upload, they vote, but leave no comments.

They decided to leave a comment literally once, and that was it. Quota was filled. See ya later, folks!

In family gatherings, this can be siblings or cousins or even reliable parents. But these commenters? They're amazing. I'm blessed to have a bunch of these for this own book myself.

These ones will religiously check out your chapters, and leave comments on them. They will always make time for your writing, and they show a genuine interest in whatever you have to say. They engage in friendly discussions and, the most heart-warming thing? They even recommend the book to their friends.

Love these ones. Truly angels. You folks know who you are. I adore you.

Dude.

You know how there is that one superstitious member in every family? I have like twenty of them, because one of my aunties is literally a Fijian witch.

Anyways!

Sometimes, I'm writing a book. And I have this giant twist planned out.

But then, bam! This one commenter, who has literally only read one paragraph of the first chapter, has somehow perfectly predicted your whole plot. Like, I'm just mind boggled sometimes. I have had readers work out every single plot point in my stories, even though 97% of other readers have no idea what's coming.

There are just some really infuriating and gifted people who read the first sentence about the protagonist and are like, "Yup. She's gonna die in chapter sixty-four from suffocating beneath cushions."

Scary.

LSDKFJALKDFJLAKDFJLASKFJSKLDFJKDFJLSFJ.

Okay, so here is a confession.

Wattpad is not my only medium.

I also write on fanfiction.net! And the stories there... well. Oh, gosh, I'm blushing, even though I know there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Anyways, I write Pokémon fanfiction. And no, it's not smut or weird stuff or Pikachu x Eevee or whatever strange stuff is up there. I play these things called 'nuzlockes' and then novelise them in really creative, fantastical ways, and it's actually... strangely popular? Anyways.

I was going through comments, and I realised that on both Wattpad and fanfiction.net, there are always trolls. These people don't even read the story. They just comment to make an impact, and then get banned literally days later. These trolls have called me a slut, a whore, and all those words that really shouldn't be used.

For example (and this was one of the more tame screenshots I could get):

Honestly, stay obsessed!

Okay, but these ones are actually sort of sweet. Because these commenters don't say anything. They don't really comment ever. They just vote, do their own thing.

Then, when you've been quiet for a while, you see them finally write a comment.

Hey! When do you plan on updating?

Story time!

I was once in this writing community, and it was a small hub of close friends. We had this one guy, I noticed, that everyone seemed to absolutely worship. Everyone kissed the ground he walked on. He would be unreasonably harsh and rude in his critiques, but everyone treated his word as gospel and would either a) change their story for him or b) become so demotivated that they quit.

I left the community, and when I joined back -- older and more confident -- the two of us kept butting heads.

He'd rip into people's stories. I'd tell him that's just not okay.

I'd critique his story. He'd disagree with everything I said.

People would compliment my work, and whenever that happened, he'd always butt in with a "Yeah, but I personally didn't like the protagonist."

And one time... gr. One time, I read his story, and he wrote the line, "She was very tall and petite".

And I was like... hm? So I sent him a message, saying that those are conflicting words. Petite usually means small -- like, short. I know this, because I'm a short person who buys clothes from the petite section.

This man.

He responds with, "Oh. That's probably Australian. In American, it means skinny and tall."

And I was like, bro? No? I literally-- No? I'm pretty sure petite literally means small in every other language. Go suck on a baguette. Ugh.

Oh, right, what was this chapter on again? Comments. Right. Got it.

This commenter is sort of like this dude I dealt with. They act like they know your characters better than you. They critique you, but they do it in a way that makes it sound like they are the gospel and you are a toenail. It can be super deflating.

Well, listen to me here. Ignore those guys.

I believe in you! You are amazing!

These titles got so out of hand so fast.

This person is here for the adventure. They're here to have fun! And, honestly, they don't really know what's good writing from bad writing. They're just here to be bundles of support.

So, sometimes, you'll see a classic paragraph of purple prose in fiction. Something like: