When we read a book, it's not often that we focus on the authors. In fact, I rarely focused on the author.

That is, of course, until I read My Immortal.

For those who don't know, My Immortal is this Harry Potter fanfiction. It's still on Fanfiction, posted by some blessed individual who wanted to archive it and all its glory. It's an interesting story that combines elements of Twilight into Harry Potter, with some very fascinating characterisation, and a very gothic setting.

But the author. They were something else.

What do I mean? Well. This was one of their author's notes at the beginning of chapter seven:

wel ok guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

I wish I was kidding. If you'd like the link to the story, send me a message. I've got you.

Sometimes, the authors are just more iconic than the story! Which leads me into...

I'm going to keep each one short, because there are lots to go through!

This one is the one everyone knows. Their stories have fans printing their stories out, binding them and sleeping with the pages beneath the pillows. They have millions of followers, get people flocking onto their page when they send a message on their message board, and their stories are super popular!

Pretty easy to find them. You know you've found them if you leave criticism in the comments, and have all seven million fans threaten to call the cops.

This one writes... really interesting stories. And when I say interesting, I mean, a romance between Percy Jackson and a Rubix Cube. I'm talking about the roots of the trees being the main character of the story, and going on a self-discovery mission to save the rainforest. I'm talking about a murder-mystery where the murderer is a pillow case.

Really weird, whacky, and strange things. I kind of love it!

...But, sometimes, I definitely question it. Especially when it's an Elsa x Obama romance.

This person has one book that is super, super famous. Then, their other books just have... seven reads in total?

They have that one book that just took off, skyrocketed to Mars, built a colony there, created a terrible economy but also managed to cure poverty anyways. Meanwhile, their other books got into a rocket ship and then realised that no one else was there with them.

It makes me sad, because I suppose we all wish that the popularity of one book managed to slide into all our others.

But hey! Who writes stories for popularity, anyways?

Oh, right.

All of us.

Moving on!

You're reading a story. It's pretty captivating. It's about the Scooby Doo gang, and they're pulling the mask off the villain. It looks like:

He removes the mask. And then he sees the face of...

And they do it. Every single chapter. And it gets frustrating, because, dammit, just end the chapter on a complete sentence, please!

But it's been weeks.

Months.

Years.

Heck, your great grandchild just turned ninety!

They're either procrastinating, unmotivated, abducted, busy, or just... no longer on Wattpad! And it makes us wonder how they would have finished these stories.

I think most of us, at some point, have experienced this. And, genuinely, I remember the first time it happened to me, realising that my favourite story would never finish. I think I cried? I remember crying. I also remember burrowing my face into a bowl of soy sauce, because I was weird like that as a kid.

This author has AMAZING stories. Genuinely, their stories make you feel your soul just... explode like a rainbow bath bomb. You feel so connected to these characters, and their writing is vivid and beautiful, but... no one seems to know them!

In fact, you probably stumbled on it by pure chance! You were in some weird alleyway, looking for some heroin, and instead, you found an amazing heroine in this fantasy novel. We somehow stumble upon these glorious pieces of literature, and we have no one to talk about it with, because no one seems to know it!

You should help these authors by shouting them out and recommending them to your friends! They'd appreciate it for sure!

Their stories are hard to read. Because, and you just know it, their protagonist is a self-insert.

I'm not going to say that it's a "better" version of the author, because the author is already perfect as they are. But it's frustrating to see these characters who are essentially unrealistic because, well, they're tripping on pockets of air because that's cute, clumsy and quirky! They have ten boys following after them! They have no fears, they're good at literally everything within seconds of doing it, and they have enough magical powers to destroy the world but never have a single problem balancing all the responsibility that comes with it.

Sorry, what did you say? I'm the protagonist in the story, and I wasn't listening to you. I just tripped over my ovaries and fell into a galvanised steel cart on casters. Seven people were seriously injured. But I get out, no issues, because did I mention that my skin heals really fast?

I mean, this one is just a mess when it comes to their stories. There is no fluency, there are dozens of typos, and well... Actually, let me write an example.

And then.............. we herd sum footsteps! Hairy Pottah got out his blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it. We saw the janitaur Mr Janitor there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Hermit Granger come. She went unda da invincibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr Janitor.

Moving on. Thanks, My Immortal, for inspiration!

They basically write their stories, and what could be a 100 word paragraph ends up being 1,000. They use a lot of what is known as purple prose. We have, what could be:

She looked at him.

Turns into:

The mahogany-haired adolescent girl glanced fleetingly at her rugged paramour, a crystalline sparkle in her eyes as she gazed happily upon his countenance. It was filled with an expression as enigmatic as shadows in the night. She pondered thoughtfully whether it would behoove her to request that she continue to follow him on his noble mission...

[Thank you to that random blog I read two years ago which helped inspire this.]

And the weirdest part is, because the author is using such complex language, everyone thinks it's the greatest thing in the universe.

No. It's not.

Look at me in the eyes.

If you don't understand the writing, you are not stupid. It does not mean the author is a literary genius.

It means they're bullshitting you.

Moving on!

I already did a whole chapter about this! But this is the author who just cannot take any criticism that is given to them. No matter how nicely a critique is voiced, they will fight. They will talk to your manager. They will fight your mother. They will take you to court.

Because, how dare you tell them that they seem to; use; their; semicolons; incorrectly!

Shame on you! You'll be hearing; from; their; lawyers!

This author posts their stories, but never includes an author's notes. Their message board is empty. They never reply to comments. Their profile is blank.

They just write their chapters. Post them. And log off.

Rinse and repeat.

On one hand, I respect it. On the other hand, I'm terrified of these guys. These guys took it seriously when Ursula said that men up here don't like a lot of blabber!

This one is so far up your tush that they can smell your intestines.

I think self-promotion is fantastic! Especially when they also take time to read the works of those they are promoting to!

However, there are some that like... flood other people's message boards with advertisements to their stories. They then spam DMs to any account within range, until Wattpad bans them temporarily from spamming. Then, they find popular stories and post comments like, 'haha pls read my fantasy story, that would be so sexy hahahahah' and it's like... please. Calm yourself.

It's great to promote your work! Just make sure you aren't overdoing it.

This person just hates describing settings and characters. So, half their story is dialogue, and the other half of their story includes stock images or aesthetic images from Reddit.

That's fine! There's a reason Wattpad allows it, after all.

However, if you want to become a professional author, make sure you are developing your skills by practising descriptions!

This person takes literally months to post a new chapter, because once they post a chapter, they spend weeks just editing that chapter. Then, after four chapters, they restart the book, because they want to rewrite it, because they want to run another edit.

These people are the ones who give up on their books because they have rewritten their first chapter seventeen times and, thus, have exhausted themselves.

Don't fall into the trap! Try to hold back those perfectionist tendencies! Sometimes, the best edits we can do is when the story is all over; that way, we know which moments are truly significant and which ones probably don't have as much meaning.

They start a story about the mafia. One chapter posted. Then another. Then another.

Then... They get another idea for another story, about feet and furniture. Post one chapter of that one. Then another. Then another.

Then, scratch that! Now they want a historical fiction about that alien invasion that happened a few days ago! One chapter posted. Then, the next.

And, oops! New story idea! Zombies in a swimming pool! We'll come back to all those ones... later.

What is plagiarism:

the practice of taking someone else's work or ideas and passing them off as one's own.

What isn't plagiarism:

the practice of taking someone else's work or ideas and passing them off as one's own. - taken from a google search.

Credit if you copy. But don't copy.

they write like this. their author's notes are like this. sometimes, even their stories are written like this.

it's for the aesthetic, babes.

⁀➷ the aesthetic. ⁀➷

The one who doesn't write stories, but instead, posts these amazing graphic desgins!

We love them. Honestly, they're part of what keeps Wattpad alive. What would half of us do without them?

I once got a message from an author on Wattpad. It went something like this:

Them: Hey, can you review my book?

Me: I'm currently not accepting requests. Please check again after the new year!

Them: Ok.

[a few days later]

Them: Are you interested in becoming a Jehovah's Witness?

Like... what? Hello? Obviously, Jehovah's Witness is not really a communism sort of thing, but it was still so strange for me. I was like... um? Please stop sending me bible passages? This is getting weird? I'll review your book, just stop threatening to send me to hell because I didn't wait until marriage to—

Anyways, that conversation was weird. I hope that person is doing well.

I'm getting so good at these names.

But like, seriously. These people avoid having book covers like the plague. So their book covers are like that random picture Wattpad has of just that brown dog. Which, honestly, would work on me, because I love dogs. So... maybe they're onto something?

But then their stories are literally like sunshine pouring out of a unicorn's ass.

And it makes us all feel bad, because if this amazing piece of art is what the author considers 'bad', then... yeah, it makes the rest of us look even worse! Because, man, I don't have unicorns farting rainbows on my screen.

Have some confidence in yourself, all of you!

Otherwise, I'll bite you. I'm a Satanits. Don't test me.

Happy 2022 for anyone reading this upon the new year! And-- oh dear, someone is taking over me, it's--

It's me. Evony. ok guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git ! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!

Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!