It's been a month since I broke up with her.

A month and nothing has happened.

Everything still hurts.

It feels like the police are doing nothing to help the investigation with my mom, and it frustrates me so much.

I just want answers.

It didn't even help whatsoever being locked up in school, learning things that didn't even matter to me at the moment.

The only thing that both hurt, and made me happy, was seeing her.

Especially in class, I didn't sit in her table anymore, but being in the same room with her at lest makes things not so shitty.

Sometimes I felt the urge to apologize, and get her back.

But I've come to the conclusion that maybe her life was better without me in it.

I was too messed up for her.

I didn't want to bring her down with me.

In lunch, when I sat with Brian and the rest of the team, I'd always steal glances at her.

Sometimes Brian would notice, but I pretended not to notice that he noticed.

Today unfortunately, the asshole Dominic noticed.

He stared too and asked, "So Anders, when are you going to tell us about her?"

All the other boys stared too.

"Hasn't it been a while? You already broke up with her so what's the problem? We want to know the details."

Everyone else agreed, and kept asking me as well.

My blood boiled.

"Just let it go Ramirez." Brian interjected.

"Nah nah, he's told us about every other girl, what's the problem with this one? You already broke up with her, so it must've been that good to commit to in the first place." Dominic argued.

I stayed quiet.

If I answered either way he'd talk shit.

I got up to leave the table, and left them talking to themselves.

I don't know why I sat with them in the first place.

I should've just asked Brian to eat alone without them.

Even though I was the captain they just loved to follow his ass.

They're all idiots.

"Hey man don't let them get to you." Brian says next to me with his hand on my shoulder.

"Fuck! Why was I such an ass before man?! I don't want them near her!"

"I know man, but maybe it would've been better if you spoke up."

"What?"

'Was he blaming me right now?'

"Right after you left Dominic started spitting out bullshit, something about your silence says it all. So now they think it was done."

I facepalmed myself.

"No no no no. What the fuck!"

"I bet you anything they're gonna start messing with her now."

This couldn't be happening, I did not just make things worse.

I'm such an idiot!

"Well what do I do now Brian?!" I looked at him for an answer.

"Talk to her. Let her know what's going on." He replies simply.

I groaned. "I can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"I can't just talk to her.It would only make things worse."

"I don't think it could get any worse."

"I'll think about it."

And sure enough, I did.

I wanted to see her.

To speak to her.

I wanted her in my presence.

At least just once.

This was a good excuse to see her.

But what if she didn't want to see me?

It was worth the excuse wasn't it ?

So I texted her to meet me at a cafe.

I didn't know what to expect.

Did she still know my number?

Did she ignore it?

I wouldn't blame her.

And yet here I was, waiting for her to arrive.

My head was spinning with so many scenarios. I debated wether I should just leave, but then I heard the door open, and my eyes locked with hers.

She had dark circles that I could tell she tried covering up.

Even in just jeans, and a T-shirt I still thought she was the most prettiest in the room.

She sat in front of me, and waited for me to say something.

I opened my mouth but nothing came out.

'Come on Bryson! Say something!'

I cleared my throat, "Hey."

She didn't say anything.

Okay.

"I'm sorry for bothering you. I just needed to tell you something. You know that night in the park meant a lot to me, it wasn't just a one time thing. So, what I'm trying to say is-"

"If you want to get back together it's gonna take more than just a half ass apology." She snaps.

"Koleen, this isn't me trying to get back together. You didn't let me finish. My teammates think you, and I had sex. I just wanted to explain firsthand to you that I did not make up that rumor, and I'm sorry for hurting you."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" She yelled, her voice cracking.

I looked up at her, and saw the tears in her eyes.

"So you're basically saying you're sorry for telling them what happened that night, and now I'm gonna deal with the consequences while you just sit in your high chair like the king you are."

I tried reaching out to her, "Koleen that is not what I'm saying."

She pulled away, and got up. "I can't fucking believe you, you're such an asshole."

"Koleen, wait! " I yell after her.

But she was gone already.

I fucked up.

I fucked up big time.

Dammit , it was all Brian's fault.

I didn't even want to talk to her, now she thinks the worst of me.

I didn't even tell the boys, they just assumed themselves !

I called Brian.

"Hey wassup man?"

"Brian we have to talk. I messed up. Let's meet tonight at the Barbie house."

"Nah man, I can't be seen in there."

"Brian this is an emergency! I messed up because of you! I can cover your eyes if you want, but I just need you to meet me there. I also have business to take care of."

"Fine man, I'll go. For fifty bucks."

"Thirty." I negotiated.

"Sixty."

"Brian!"

"Hey, sixty five or it's a no."

"Fine." I gave in. "See you there."

It's been a while since I paid a visit.

If anyone knew where I could get answers to my mom's death it would be Mr.Simney.

He knew my dad after all, a consistent customer who paid great services.

♡★ ♡★ ♡★ ♡★ ♡★ ♡

I couldn't believe that asshole.

Why did I think he was trying to get back together?

I'm so stupid !

I hated myself so much for not being able to move on.

For still clinging to the hope that he'd take me back.

For wanting to still be together despite everything.

Because I still liked him so much.

Even though he didn't deserve me.

It still hurts.

I tried everything from trying to give myself a makeover, to retail therapy, and the occasional crying and eating ice cream, but nothing seemed to work.

The only thing that I felt like I had control over, that felt like the weight has been lifted off my chest, was running.

I cried when I ran still, but I pushed myself until the only pain I could feel was from my legs, instead of my broken heart.

Coach was giving me praises. Every practice was a success.

Even though I felt content with my improvement, at the the end of the day, I still felt like shit.

It didn't help that I couldn't talk to any of my friends about it.

They only comforted me for like, a day, then didn't give me much attention.

They were too busy in their own world, all they only wanted to was get gossip out of me basically.

I felt so alone.

The only person I felt like I could talk to, but don't want to talk to, was actually Jaxon.

We still talked from time to time, and I felt like I could trust him, but it didn't feel right to pour everything out to him.

What if he spilled it?

The saying does go that men are more messy than girls.

He may not have been in high school anymore but he does have connections.

I couldn't handle being bullied even more at school.

Everyday felt like a nightmare.

People whispered things behind my back.

My feelings were hurt before, but it hurt even worse now.

"Koleen don't listen to them. It's high school, they just want to talk just to talk." Jaxon would tell me, sitting next to me on the swing set.

I stopped swinging my legs, and just let the swing go by itself.

"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." I tell him.

I didn't like opening up to him, but the little times I did, it felt freeing.

Like something being lifted off of me.

But I didn't dare tell him what happened earlier.

How embarrassing is it to tell a guy, that you used to have romantic feelings for, how you did stuff with your ex boyfriend, and now you might get bullied for doing it.

It will be kept to myself, buried deep.

He stays quiet then mutters, "Good point."

The swing slowly came to a stop, I let out a deep breath and sat there in silence, looking at the sunset.

"Why don't you let me take you out? I promise you will have a good time." Jaxon changes the subject, giving me one of his gorgeous smiles.

I turn to him, "Jaxon, I can't. I'm not ready."

"Listen don't think of it as a date, just think of it as..hanging out, only slightly putting in more effort." He explains to me.

"I don't have time." I tell him as an excuse.

"How about this winter break? You already blew me off on thanksgiving week, and winter break will be longer." He tries to convince me.

"My family takes thanksgiving very serious." I tell him with a straight face.

"For the whole week? Not one day was available?"

"I just don't want you to think you have a chance, when I'm not over...him." I admitted.

"Koleen I know that, I just want to make you forget, and have some fun. I know I was kind of an asshole in the beginning..."

"Kind of ?" I interrupted him. "I don't know your lame pick up lines are still in my head."

"Okay," He smiles. "Not kind of. I only tried so hard, because I thought you were really pretty."

I look up at him, and smile. "Okay..." I say.

"What I'm trying to say is, I know I'm not a saint, but I genuinely want to be here for you. You don't deserve that lame dude. I'd kick him off the team if I could."

"Okay,"I cleared my throat trying to hold back the tears that wanted to come out, it felt comforting that he said that. "Fine, I'll let you know when you can pick me up."

He perks his head up real fast, and asks "Really?"

"Yeah," I push him. "As friends."

"As friends." He repeats smiling at me.

𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊𓋼𓍊𖡼𓍊

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