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Maybe not all high school relationships were meant to last.

Right?

Because my relationship with Bryson already felt like it was ending.

When I didn't see him for lunch my heart sunk.

I was left to have lunch with Crystal, and the other girls, which quite frankly didn't bring me any joy.

I've realized some of the things they say don't rub me the right way anymore.

Like when Allison tried to shame Chloe, another girl in the group, for not being confident in herself.

As always Allison stirred up the pot, and asked Chloe if she was jealous of her boyfriend talking to a classmate named Mary.

"Are you jealous of Mary?" Allison asked. "Since you know she likes your boyfriend and he talks to her sometimes." She eyed her waiting for her response.

Chloe was quiet. "Why would I be jealous of her? She's not like me, we're two different people."

Allison laughed, "OMG, are you calling her ugly?"

All the other girls laughed.

"What? I didn't say she was ugly. I just said we're different. You can't compare us."

"Oh my gosh, Chlo, you are sooo calling Mary ugly."

Chloe was embarrassed. Her cheeks turned pink. "I never said that, he chose me. Why would I be jealous of her? I'm pretty confident in myself."

Allison burst out laughing. "Confident? Chloe you are not fucking confident."

"Yes I am." Chloe quietly says.

"Chloe if you were confident then you wouldn't dress up everyday, and do your makeup."

And that was the conversation.

The old me would've agreed with Allison, but now I was just confused.

Just because Chloe liked to be put together she wasn't confident in herself?

Literally bullshit.

It might've been just me. but I sensed some jealousy in Allison's voice.

All of a sudden every girl that uses makeup and wears cute clothes isn't confident in herself ?

So what if Chloe liked to look put together, Allison didn't need to call her out like that.

It's already hard enough trying to build one's confidence, for someone, especially a so called friend, to straight up say to your face that you're not confident in yourself hurts.

I felt bad for holding my tongue, but I was already having problems with Bryson.

I didn't want to get in a fight with my friends.

I tried not to cry in my room alone after school.

I was holding back tears, trying to distract myself with some Gossip Girl.

"Leen?" I heard my dad call outside the door.

"Come in." I say softly trying to mask my shaky voice.

"How are you pumpkin?" He asks coming over to sit next to me on my bed.

"Fine." I lie.

Sure Bryson and I weren't in the best place right now, but I wasn't gonna let my dad know I was having boy problems.

"Fine?"

I nodded.

"Okay. Listen honey, I wanted to ask you something."

'Please don't let it be about Bryson.'

'Please don't let it be about Bryson.'

'Please don't let it be about Bryson.'

"Have you thought about what college you wanted to go to? Now I don't want to rush you, I'm just asking."

'Oh. Somehow this was worse.'

"Uhh...no. Not really." I reply a little embarrassed.

"That's okay, that's okay. I was just wondering, because I can take you to the school I went to to check out the school for yourself. Maybe even your Mom's school if you'd like."

"I'd like that Dad. I'll do it."

"Now I'm not trying to make you pick sides, but I think you'd make a great lawyer."

"Okay Dad."

"Have you eaten yet?"

"No."

"Let's go. I came across a great sushi place through my coworkers."

Suddenly my night wasn't so bad as I thought.

I was having dinner with my Dad.

That made things better.

The only thing that was still in my mind was college.

My brain was already filled with thoughts of Bryson and our relationship, now I had to think of college too.

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With Allison's words still in my head from the other day, I decided to dress cute for school.

Or at least sort of.

Shorts were too inappropriate, my skirts and dresses were too short for my liking.

Jeggins were too casual.

Skinny jeans....hard no.

I remember seeing on Instagram where baggy jeans, and a tight top were always cute.

So I followed it with my own clothes.

"What a miracle that you're wearing jeans Koleen." My mom stated, eyeing me as I entered the kitchen.

"I wanted to try something different."

"And your hair?"

"What about it?" I asked.

"It's not straightened."

"Crystal has told me I'm lucky my hair isn't flat like hers."

"And where did you get it from?" My mom asked smirking.

I rolled my eyes. "You."

"And where did I get it from?"

"Grandma. By the way, will she ever visit again? I miss her food."

"Oh no. All those tortillas, and arroz con azeite is what made you fat in the first place. Your grandma cooks with too much grease and fat."

'Wow. Way to ruin my morning mom by calling me fat.'

"Right. I'm leaving now." I mutter and leave before she can say anymore hurtful things.

I haven't seen my grandma since I was a kid in elementary, but I remember she always made me happy.

She'd cook anything for me, and always called me beautiful.

She never insulted me when I was chunky.

I miss her.

I wish she was here with me, I'm sure she'd help me with my boy problems.

She always says the right thing.

But alas, my grandma was not here, she went back to her pueblo eventually.

And eventually, she never came back.

Sure there was phone calls sometimes, but it wasn't the same.

Sometimes I thought the reason she left was because she hated me.

Now, maybe I'm thinking it could be true.

Everyone hated me.

My classmates.

The principal.

My friends.

Even Bryson.

Right?

He probably got annoyed with me already.

Our texts from last night were so vague.

I'd ask him how his day was and he responded so bland.

It sucked that I couldn't read his mind.

I wanted to know how he felt about me.

Like did I mess up?

Is it me?

My brain felt so overwhelmed when I went into first period.

I couldn't even do my work, all I wanted to do was snuggle in my bed and watch Netflix.

I didn't want to be at school where everyone was so rude, and annoying.

I had almost forgotten that I was trying to look cute this morning when Crystal mentioned it.

"Aw you look cute today Leen!"

I looked down at myself.

"Oh, thanks. I wanted to try something new."

"Bryson will love it." She smirked.

I smiled at her weakly then changed the subject.

I asked her why Allison did that to Chloe, and I've got to say, maybe it wasn't the best idea.

"Because it's true Koleen, Chloe isn't confident. She always cares what people think of her."

"But it's hard not to, how do you expect someone not to in high school?"

"Please. I don't care what people think of me, I don't need my makeup to feel confident."

"Chloe doesn't either, she just chooses to but it doesn't dimish her worth." I argue back.

"Who said anything about worth? All Allison was saying was the truth. You can't be confident if you care what others think, and always dress up."

I felt so annoyed, and hurt that she said that.

After she directed her attention to someone else, I quickly left her, and walked to class alone.

I sure hope Bryson doesn't ditch me again at lunch.

I did not want to sit with them again.

Maybe I got annoyed because I was already sad for Bryson, or maybe I didn't like it because I felt it directed towards me.

That no matter how much I try to dress up to feel more confident in my skin, I was still the same insecure person inside.

During lunch, I regretfully passed by my friend's table only to take some calculus notes Crystal promised me.

"Oooh who are you trying to impress Koleen?" Allison asks me.

I forced myself not to roll my eyes in front of her.

"Myself." Was all I told her. "Is Crystal coming? I have to go-"

"Because you're going with Bryson? You know Koleen, it's fine that you're ditching us for a boy. I just hope you don't think you're too good for us, just because you're dating Bryson Anderson."

I looked at the rest of the girl's expressions, they all looked up at me waiting for my response.

"You know what, tell Crystal to forget it. I'm leaving." I angrily walked away, trying to hold back tears.

'Why did she say that?'

'Do they all think that way of me?'

'Does Crystal?'

'Have I really been ditching them?'

With my head down, and my brain occupied, I didn't realize where I was going and bumped into someone.

"You need to watch where you're going shorty."

I roll my eyes and look up to see Bryson smiling down at me.

"Hey." I tell him, wrapping my arms around him.

I missed him.

I didn't know what was going on, but hugging him made all the stress fade away.

"What's wrong?" He asked, hugging me back.

"I just had a little argument with my friends, but it's fine."

'I think I need new friends.' Was what I really wanted to say, but held it in.

I didn't want to talk about my friend problems.

I just wanted to spend time with him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No it's nothing. I'll deal with them later. So where are we eating?" I changed the subject.

"I was thinking that new Vegan place downtown, but if it's too crowded I wouldn't mind something else."

"Sounds good." I tell him, grabbing his hand.

For the moment, things felt normal.

The vegan place was crowded, unfortunately, but I didn't mind as long as I was having lunch with Bryson.

As we were waiting for our order in a different restaurant , I asked him a question.

"Have you thought about your future after college?"

Not that I was gonna base my future on our relationship, but I was curious what he was thinking.

"Uh, not really." He muttered, circling his straw around his Coke.

"Really? What about running a business? I remember seeing you read a book about it one time."

"No. Not anymore." He snapped.

It took me by surprise with the tone he answered in.

I guess he was just as confused as I was about the future?

"I'm sorry, I just..I don't know what to do. I don't really want to talk about it." He muttered.

I sighed. "Well me neither, my parents offered to take me to the colleges they went to. I hope I find something I'm interested in there."

"What about running? I think you can run in college." He suggested.

I scoffed. "I'm not trying to make it to the Olympics running distance."

"Why not? You're pretty good, maybe not as good as me but-"

"Ugh, you still won't let that go will you? You best be once, that doesn't mean anything."

"I beat you fair and square Thunderthighs."

Before I could threaten him, our food comes and I instantly dig in.

I won't waste our one hour lunch arguing with him.

Part of me was amused that he still remembered that day.

Sure maybe him beating me grew his ego, but maybe he cherished the memory as I did.

I liked being with him before, and I like being with him now.

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