Disease itself is bad enough

—so frozen, desperation drenched in hot-tap-only bath

still shiver, even there in liquid heat immersed,

still naked-tremble, still choke, still cough

alone, as ever, harsh sounds echo, bouncing off tiled walls

low lips & nipples stiffen, ache, deranged by seething hot, dense cold

all remains deep chilled by covid's bone-break ice

despite near-boiling water's endless, useless gush,

thick blinding clouds of bathroom steam. . .

—so tired, grey drift nightmare time throughout the whole bright day

while green leaves out beyond the window wall shake, shift in sun

a different burning angle glares in through the glass

each time awake comes lurching ugly back

each time my stinging eyes blur open once again

odd pressing hurts, urgent, evil, queerly placed

one hip, wrist, calf, then weird sore mouth, strange sticky inner ear

shifting pains as witchy semi-sleep grabs hold, flies off, reappears . . .

—abruptly bleak black night! clearer mind returns

reveals the bigger dirtiness of this vile illness now —

shamed explanations I now owe, contact alerts I need to send

apologetic cancellations I now must make

and, worst of all, new, shaming recognition —

one thing of sordid semi-pleasure all these pathetic months

one solitary shiny fact . . .

I never carried Covid in my flesh —

those around me, yes, so very very many did

but somehow never me! just went on clean

untouched, intact — by dirty viral spread unharmed

and (though I never noticed it before) see now that I was stupid-smug

concealed conceited fantasy, slick caressing inner ear, said

my care, my luck, or vigour (elsewhere not manifest these days)

something was working! something was at play!

protecting others while saving me from covid's coarse embrace

No more — no more self-praise for carefulness, or native strength,

and no more phoney good luck vibe —

all was sadly simple, random happenstance . . .

'til now, that is, now shattered, all undone

a new thing to be sorry for —

before, I feared the filth, was scared to spread contagion

now I know, by breathing selfish out, that I already have.