TRIGGER WARNING

Walking through life unnoticed

Too consumed in their masquerade

The day was just as dark and gloomy as my mood. As much as I wanted to throw Lucas out of the window sometimes, I had to respect him. He put up with my shit more than even I could. I was frustrated to no end, even resorting to buying a dart board just to puncture something repeatedly. 

I wasn't good with controlling my anger, never was. 

But this, whatever the hell this ache was, was not just anger.

It hurt like a bitch. 

"Jesus Christ, man. You look like shit." 

Lucas walked into the house, throwing whatever he had bought on the floor.

"Thanks," I muttered. "I feel it too."

"Did you do what you were going to do today?" he asked, taking a seat on the sofa across from mine. 

"Yeah, it's done." 

I discovered that when I'm not in the best mood I either drink or spend money. I'd done enough drinking and was through with hangovers, so this time I decided to spend money. On Angie's tuition.

Was Eileen going to be pissed about it? Yeah, more than likely it would ruin the very remote chance we had together. Angie had become an important part of my life though, and I couldn't picture a life in which she wasn't at least somewhat present. It's crazy that I had discovered with a child that wasn't biologically mine that kids truly are capable of changing a persons life. 

The wind outside raged, warning us of the storm to come. The days are horrible, but nights, those are the worst. It's when my mind decided to think of the 'what ifs' and 'why's.' Instead of sleeping, I would bury myself in work to avoid that feeling of emptiness that had invaded me. 

What sounded like a knock at the door forced my attention away from the TV I was blankly staring at, but soon it went away. I was sure that it was nothing more than the wind and rain, but when the knock was louder I glanced at Luke who looked just as surprised.

"Are you expecting someone?" I asked him as I stood up.

He shook his head. "No, it must be for you. You haven't called Victoria have you?"

I ignored his remark and I opened the door, surprised to see the trembling woman in front of me. Angela was wrapped up in a raincoat, while Eileen wasn't wearing anything but some soaked jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Lucas followed behind, and as soon as he saw how bad Eileen looked he took hold of Angela, taking her to the living room where she wouldn't see her mother in such state. Eileen looked completely undone, she looked like she'd gone insane. Her eyes were puffy and red and her face was drained of all color.

"I-I don't know, I, I'm crazy and I'm a fucking hand-dful. You need to help me, p-please. I can't do this on my own, I n-need your help, Alex. P-please."

I pulled her into my embrace. She was cold and wet. It was obvious she'd walked all the way here in the middle of the storm. Despite not seeing her in over a week and how horrible our last encounter had been, I cared about her. Something was terribly wrong.

"What's going on?" I asked, her hands tight fists on my now wet shirt.

"T-this, my life is a mess," she hiccuped. "I c-can't, I can't breathe, I c-ca-"

"Calm down," I whispered to her. "What happened, Eileen, tell me."

"He's here," she said, breaking into a sob. "He found me."

I tightened my hold around her small body, suddenly feeling very threatened. I closed the door behind us and guided us to my bedroom to get her out of her soaked clothes, she'd be getting sick pretty soon. Her teeth were chattering, but she didn't even seem aware of it. In fact, she didn't seem aware of anything surrounding her, only that she was with me.

I removed her clothes, not even taking time to appreciate the body that I so badly desired and put one of my shirts on her before covering her with a warm blanket. 

"I c-can't Alex, I c-can't let him hurt Angie, please help me." Though she seemed to be aware of what she was saying, the look in her eyes was distant, lost. I'd never seen her so devastated.

"You have to tell me what's going on, Eileen. Please?"

Her eyes met mine; the pain of her past was visible.

"He raped me," she whispered. 

The world stopped spinning with the words that left her lips. I hoped I had heard wrong but the way her body curled up in a ball told me everything I needed to know. Her body shook without control as she let go of all her sorrow and for the first time in my life I felt confused. Enraged. This person had hurt her, and she hadn't dealt with it, that much was obvious. 

It all made sense now. Her initial fear, the way she reacted when I tried to get close to her. The sudden fear that flashed through her eyes the first time we had sex, I now understood it. Her apprehension when it came to leaving me alone with her daughter.

"Fuck, Eileen, I'm so sorry baby." 

I should have stuck around to find out more, or been more patient. Hell, I should have known something had happened to her. Reality is a hard pill to swallow, more so when it's as cruel as hers.

"Your dad... he did that?" 

"No, not him."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I knew the man, I knew what he looked like. If it had been him he wouldn't live to see another day.

I didn't pry any further. Eileen was barely holding it together, and I was afraid she'd pass out from the intensity of her crying. However, I was sure that I would have all my answers soon. 

"You always dress to tempt me"

Damn it. Move.. Fucking scream, DO SOMETHING!

"Open up for me dear, you wouldn't want your father to find us like this now would you?" He forced my legs open as he pulled down my pants and my underwear. I held on to them as much as I could. I refused for him to take advantage of me once again but I wasn't strong enough. I never was.

"Let go!" His voice boomed throughout the empty house, the echoing a reminder of who had the power.

I heard clothing tear and felt the cold air on my chest as my shirt was thrown somewhere on the floor. How did I ever consider this man my family? My second father? How the hell was I so blind and stupid to not see his intentions? Was I really this fucking worthless? I felt his teeth and nails sinking into different parts of my skin, my breasts, my legs...His grip was so tight that I couldn't move. Then I heard a zipper undoing and my eyes snapped open.

No. Not this easily. Not today.

I don't know how I managed to free my wrists from his hands, but as soon as I did I dug my nails into his cheek, as close to his eyes as I could get. He roared pulling back and I had the chance to run. If I could only get the fuck out of this house...

But then I was falling hard on to the wood floor hitting my head. The impact dazed me, but I wasn't going to give up. Not yet.

"I'm going to tell my dad I fucking swear I will Gerald! Leave me the hell alone!" It was rare that I could ever find my voice when he did this, but somehow I did, and that gave me a sense of pride. I wasn't going down without a fight this time.

I felt myself being pulled by my hair, as he dragged me across the floor causing me to hiss in pain. It felt like my scalp was being pulled off. Gerald pushed my legs open and I realized there was no way I was getting out of this. He was already between my legs, pinning me down with his weight. His arm was placed over my neck cutting off my oxygen supply just enough to stop me from moving.

"You fucking bitch" he sneered. "You think your dad will give a fuck if something happens to you? He's too busy working all the fucking time for him to even notice."

I gasped for air as he put more pressure on me, but then he pushed into me and just like that, the fight was over. I laid limply as he thrust into me more roughly than he ever had before. So rough in fact that it stung, so rough that I could feel my legs shaking in pain. I cried out as he bit down on my skin, sure that he had drawn blood.

He was marking his territory. He was stealing something that wasn't his. He was ripping my soul into shreds and discarding them like it was nothing more than a piece of trash.

He's ruining me.

Daddy, where are you?

"Scream for me goddammit."

I was not going to give in. I would not give him the pleasure of hearing me scream in pain. At least this I could try to control.

Before I knew it I was being flipped over face down and my eyes widened in shock. He couldn't... He wouldn't.

Please God, no, please.

I felt him somewhere he'd never been before, somewhere I never even thought he'd consider. He was a monster, he was breaking me more than I ever thought possible. I wanted to scream, I wanted to fight, but all fight in me was gone. I only whimpered in pain, then I disconnected my mind from the situation. His voice was somewhere far away; I could register it but no longer heard anything.

I prayed he would stop. I prayed that he would have some compassion. I prayed that it would be over soon. I prayed that he killed me. Anything would have been better than this throbbing ache in my chest.

But he didn't. He was merciless with his assault. I felt like my body was being torn into half.

Maybe if I hadn't fought him, maybe...

"I told you to scream you bitch."

I laid there limp as he took everything from me. Every ounce of dignity, every ounce of self-respect that I had for myself. But this would be the last time... Soon I would tell my dad.

I woke up, gasping for air. I tried to move, but couldn't. My eyes traveled around Moretti's room, making sure that no one was there. I only found Luke's blue eyes glued to my frozen body. He sat next to me on the bed, taking my cold hand in his.

"It's okay," he said with a pained voice, "It was only a nightmare."

My fingers twitched, and he squeezed my hand in comfort. It was as if Lucas knew that I wasn't in control of my body and he didn't pressure me into moving at all. Every time those nightmares would appear waking up was a nightmare itself. 

"Lucas?" 

"Yes, dear? Can you move now?"

I nodded slowly, a sharp pain in my neck from how tense I had been. Luke helped me sit up and was ready with a glass of water. My throat felt dry and sore and I was sure my eyes were swollen due to all the crying. 

"Has he called?" I asked Lucas.

"No. I'm sorry, Eileen... He wasn't himself when he left, I'm not sure when he's coming back."

I didn't know what hurt the most, actually voicing what happened to me or having the man that I had trusted leave when I did told him.

"I knew he'd reject me..." I said quietly.

"He's not rejecting you, dear. I promise you that."

"He is. He's probably wondering how he could have ever ha-"

"Shut up, Eileen." His voice was stern. I was surprised to see the seriousness in his expression. The man that was usually engaged in nothing but playful banter was gone. I wouldn't have recognized him if he wasn't in front of me. "Don't you put the blame for what that bastard did on yourself. It's not your fault. Besides, how could you possibly think that Alex would reject you? If anything he is incredibly proud of you right now. You've raised a beautiful little girl that was a consequence of that fucker's actions, and still, you love her. Alex would never reject you, but you have to take that blame off of yourself."

My lip quivered and he gave me a gentle smile.

"Now, I'm no good at this shit, you know that. But, I would like to hug you. May I?" 

I accepted his offer and rested my head on his shoulder while he placed an arm around me and his other hand on mine. It was silent, Angie was sound asleep and there was no one else in the house. The voices in my head were screaming at the top of their lungs, telling me I was in danger, telling me that I had to leave before Gerald found me.

"We'll get rid of him, Eileen." Lucas said quietly. The calmness in his voice was deceiving though.. It was as if a different side of him was coming to light. "I promise you that."

PLEASE, IF YOU SUFFER FROM ABUSE SPEAK UP. FEEL FREE TO SHARE INFORMATION ON HOW TO GET HELP IN YOUR COUNTRY. HERE IS ONE FOR THE U.S.: 800.656.HOPE (4673).

-Luz❤