Why is it easier to burn than it is to heal?

-Setting Fires by The Chainsmokers

The computer stared back at me, taunting me. Mocking me. Of course, it thought that someone in such shitty situation such as myself had to be made fun of. Two hours staring at the damn thing and absolutely nothing done.

"Fuck it," I muttered, standing up and taking a sip of the only thing that could make me forget. A beer.

Making decisions when you're angry, yeah, I don't recommend it. But being me, and being pissed and disappointed as hell, I took out my phone and sent a quick text to the person I knew I shouldn't even be contacting. Of course, it didn't take even two minutes for her to reply.

Alex, of course I'm not busy. Where do you want to meet? - Victoria

I could hear her voice as if she was there. She was a good option, always willing. But I didn't want her. I wasn't a person to get angry much, but when I did, it was something that I couldn't control. The fire burned deep and there was no way of putting it out. Or maybe there was, but she wasn't willing to. She didn't want to.

I'm not sure, Vic. Your place sound good? - Alex

Add drinking to the mix and you're digging yourself a hole so deep that you won't be able to get out of. Everything at this point was frustrating to me. The way that the clock ticked was much too slow. The way the night was full of clouds so that not a star could shine. Hell, even the air felt suffocating.

By the time I downed my fifth beer, I felt a bit more relaxed, yet not enough to forget the whole ordeal with Eileen. Things weren't turning out how I hoped they would, and just when I thought that things between us were improving and perhaps going to work out all this shit happens and the world flips upside down. I lined up the empty beer bottle next to the other four before opening up the sixth one.

"Don't you think that's a bit much?" Lucas asked, leaning against the counter with a worried look on his face. Now, when Lucas asks if you're having a drink too much, that's when you know you're in trouble.

"Doesn't matter," I mumbled, once again finishing another beer in a matter of seconds.

When I tried to get hold of another one, Lucas stood in the way, preventing me from reaching the numbness I wanted to achieve.

"I swear to God, Luke, if you don't move I'll knock you the fuck out."

Luke shrugged but didn't move.

"I don't care. I'm not letting you get drunk. Last time you did I had to deal with you whining about that damn hangover. I'm not dealing with that shit again."

"Get. Out. Of My Way," I said, emphasizing each and every word so that he'd get the point.

He crossed his arms over his chest, without moving. Before I knew it, my fist had landed hard on his jaw, my knuckles immediately feeling the burn and pain. He moved his jaw from side to side, but again, stayed exactly where he was.

I knew it hurt, because the bastard winced but if anything, Luke was used to the pain. Fighting was a hobby of his in our younger years.

"Fuck you," I sneered, looking at the two new text messages on my phone.

Do you want me to wear that red lace set that you like? - Victoria

I'm sorry. Please call me, Alex. - Eileen

Before I had a chance to I was pushed back against the counter, with Luke's arm over my throat. Ah, Luke wanted to fight. Just what I needed.

"Why the fuck are you meeting with Victoria?" He asked, not letting up his grip.

"Does it matter?" I asked, sounding thoroughly annoyed.

I'd give anything for him to knock me out. I wouldn't even stop him.

"Of course it matters! What about Eileen? Why the hell would you do that shit to her?"

"It's none of your business," I muttered.

He gave me an incredulous look before pushing himself away from me. Who would have thought that Lucas would care about a girl that he wasn't fucking?

"Give me my phone," I said but even I could hear the defeat present in my voice.

"No. Get wasted if you want, I'm not letting you fuck up the one good thing you got going for you."

"It doesn't matter," I said, as I took a sip from another beer. "That shit is over anyways."

★★★★★

On my day off, I decided to go to the library. It was time that I finally take a step that I'd always wanted; go back to school. While Angie was at school, I walked to the library. It was a beautiful day after all, and the library wasn't too far from my apartment. I wasn't sure yet what I'd go to school for, but I knew that I could do it. After all, I managed to get my GED when Angie was just a baby and she'd understand that mommy had homework too.

I wanted to show my daughter that no matter the circ umstances dreams do come true.

Researching colleges was time consuming, but I knew I would have to at least search for an online program. I didn't want to be away from Angie too much.

I had forgotten just how much I loved being at the library. I always liked the relaxing environment, even when I was so impatient as a child. Perhaps it was because of the long time it had been since I'd been here, but I forgot to put my phone on silent and it chimed.

I smiled at the endearment. They'd become more common and the flipping that I could feel in my tummy and the way my heart raced told me that I liked it... a lot. We saw each other every night, even if it was late. Sometimes he'd have to catch up with work because of all the time we spent together, but it didn't seem to be a bother for Alex.

You - Alex

When are you getting out? - Alex

The excitement I had felt before disappeared while a feeling of uneasiness settled at the pit of my stomach.

I saw as the little dots appeared and then disappeared, time and time again. Finally, a simple 'okay' appeared on the screen. Even with the single word, I could sense his frustration. I didn't bother replying. The unspoken words hung in the air between us.

★★★★★

"How come Alex isn't here, mommy?" Angela's big emerald eyes looked at me full of questions.

"He was busy, baby. He might visit later though."

I hope.

"Are you sure, mommy? Because that looks like his car."

I looked over to where she pointed, and sure enough, his car was heading towards us. He was in front of us in a matter of seconds and got out to open the door for the both of us, only nodding to me in greeting and giving Angie a hug.

He's definitely mad.

We barely talked the rest of the evening, only answering the questions that Angie asked. I was thankful she was oblivious as to the tension between Alex and I. The day that had at the beginning been bright and sunny, with just the right temperature had in just a couple of minutes turned cloudy, and cold. So cold.

Alex didn't show his irritation though, not in front of Angie. It amazed me that despite the fact that he didn't have any children he knew exactly how to behave in front of her. Marty's advice resonated in the back of mind, reminding me that I had to trust Alex, at least try to give him something, anything for him to understand me. I hadn't said the words "he raped me" in years, and at this point I didn't think I'd ever have the courage to say them again.

Once I'd put Angie to bed, Alex and I sat in silence, staring at the television trying to avoid the inevitable.

"I was only trying to help, Eileen," he finally said.

"I know."

"Why didn't you let me?" I could see he was confused, bitter at the fact that I had refused his help.

"It wasn't necessary. Besides, I'm not used to strangers picking Angie up."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth I regretted them. Alex stood up, offended at first, but then the anger returned with a vengeance.

"Stranger? That's what I am to you? Then why the hell do you allow me in your house?"

I had to turn away. The way he was looking at me was too intimidating. I'd seen him angry before, once, when he first heard of my panic attack but then his anger wasn't directed at me. The way that he stood rigid told me how much he was struggling to control himself.

"It's not that you're a stranger, I'm just not ready to leave her alone with you," I tried to explain.

As if he started to connect the dots he scoffed, running his hands through his dark locks before speaking again.

"Do you not realize everything I've done for you? I'm here, every fucking night for you, for her, and still, it's like I've done nothing."

"It's not that Alex, I just don't-"

He glared at me, his eyes fuming with anger as he took a step towards me.

"You don't trust me," he hissed, taking my arm in his hand.

I gasped. He wasn't hurting me, but his voice was laced with nothing but fury and disappointment. He pulled me towards him, his hand on my waist holding me tightly so that I couldn't step away.

"Moretti, calm down. Let me-"

"Let you what? Are you finally going to tell me or just bullshit around the situation, Eileen?" He was breathing heavily, I didn't know if it was out of anger or if it was out of something else. "I can't do this shit. For the first time I know, I fucking know what I want, and you don't."

My eyes closed, when his lips grazed just near my ear, his breath warming up my skin.

"This, us, will not work if you don't trust me," he said kissing my skin, sending jolts of pleasure throughout my body. "So tell me, do you or do you not trust me?"

I wanted to tell him I did, I wanted to tell him that if I didn't, I wouldn't allow him inside my home. I wouldn't have given myself to him so freely, but I wouldn't lie to him. I knew I was still holding back.

In that moment more than ever, I wished that Gerald hadn't destroyed my trust. I wished that I could open up to someone but I couldn't. I couldn't seem to let it go. And now, the one man I wished to have by my side was paying the consequences. I let out a shaky breath, and saw all possible emotions in his eyes.

His anger turned to hurt, his hurt into sorrow and then something that I never thought I'd see in them; detachment. Still, he took my lips in his and kissed me. There was no care in this kiss, it was forced, as if he wanted to pour all his desperation in it.

Soon, all of our clothes were gone and I was up against the wall. He wanted to rid himself of the pain I'd caused him; I wanted to take it away. He marked me, several times, as if proving that I was indeed his, regardless of whether I trusted him or not. I let him. It was true after all, even if I couldn't necessarily voice it. He wasn't going to be gentle, or loving, and it didn't matter to me. I wanted him with his anger, with the fury that he didn't know how to contain. It dawned on me that he didn't know how to face this type of disappointment. He'd never had to deal with it before.

He kissed me again, my hair fisted in his hand as he pushed my legs apart, and wrapping my legs around his waist. I found myself biting my lips, almost painfully so, and holding onto his shoulders for dear life as he pushed into me roughly. The sensation was so intense I let out an unashamed moan which broke apart our kiss. My eyes remained closed, as he sunk into me repeatedly, his fingers digging into my ass, surely leaving a punishing bruise.

My eyes fluttered open, and what I saw took my breath away in the worst way possible. There was no emotion in his usually expressive eyes, no anger, no pain, nothing, and that hurt more than anything.

"Stop," I whispered, my eyes filling with tears.

I dug my nails into his back when he pushed into me once again, not registering what I had said.

"Please, Alex. Stop."

He stopped, both of us trying to catch our breath. I was terrified that Angie would wake up and find us in such a compromising position, but deep in my heart I knew that wouldn't be an issue soon.

"Please, Alex," I said, nearly sobbing. "Please, I can handle angry, I can handle sad, but not detached. Don't do that to me."

His eyes softened, and once again they were glazed with a hint of despair. I couldn't handle how detached he had looked. It hurt. It reminded me too much of the crazed look that Gerald would every time he'd forced himself on me.

"Fuck," he said, slamming his fist on the wall behind me.

Alex pulled out of me, lowering me to the floor with care. He pressed a kiss on my forehead and then the softest kiss on my lips, one that was so full of grief it took my breath away. First he gave me the dress I had been wearing, helping me put it on and then he dressed himself. There were no words to be spoken, just the one that lingered in the air.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "But I can't do this. I, uh, I feel so many things for you Eileen, God knows I do. Things I've never felt before. You have a daughter, and I don't mind. In fact, I think that's one of the many reasons I feel whatever the hell this is for you. However, if you can't trust me with the single most important thing in your life, I can't do this."

I already knew the answer to my question, still, I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"This," he said, gesturing between the both of us, "It's not going to work."

We stood in silence for a while as the words sunk in. The pain I felt was suffocating, but I stood tall regardless. It wasn't his fault, and I didn't blame him. I was a mess long before he came along and all I had managed to do was hurt him.

"I'd like to visit Angie every once in awhile, if you don't mind," he said after the deafening minutes that had passed.

I nodded, not letting any words come out of my mouth for I knew I would break down. Only when he walked out the door did I let the tears fall freely.

★★★★★

I opened the door, surprised to see the trembling woman in front of me. Angela was wrapped up in a raincoat, while Eileen wasn't wearing anything but some soaked jeans and long sleeve shirt. Lucas followed behind, and as soon as he saw how bad Eileen looked he took hold of Angela, taking her to the living room where she wouldn't see her mother in such state. Eileen looked completely undone, she looked like she'd gone insane. Her eyes were puffy and red and her face was drained of all color.

"I-I don't know, I, I'm crazy and I'm a fucking hand-dful. You need to help me, p-please. I can't do this on my own, I n-need your help, Alex. P-please."

I pulled her into my embrace. She was cold and wet. It was obvious she'd walked all the way here in the middle of the storm. Despite not seeing her in over a week and how horrible our last encounter had been, I cared about her. Something was terribly wrong.

"What's going on?" I asked, her hands tight fists on my now wet shirt.

"T-this, my life is a mess," she hiccuped. "I c-can't, I can't breathe, I c-ca-"

"Calm down," I whispered to her. "What happened, Eileen, tell me."

"He's here," she said, breaking into a sob. "He found me."