Look what he's done to you, it isn't fair

Your light was bright and new, but he didn't care

-Broken Girl by Matthew West

*****

It'll be okay. He won't find out, he won't find out.

I watched as my father sat at the other side of the cafe, his eyes set on me. He hadn't visited since the day he found me and I didn't think he would, but he'd been visiting for the past two days. I wasn't worried before, yet now, when I realized my daughter and him where in the same room it felt like I was suffocating. 

I'd texted Alex who had pretty much disappeared since the day I met his sister, but he never texted me back. I wanted him to be with Angie so that I could feel secure that she was safe. My dad wanted to talk and I wasn't sure if there were any words that I could coherently form or that I could even think rationally.

The shattered man sitting there didn't look like the man I once knew. Then again, I wasn't the same either. I tried to appear busy, hoping to avoid any contact with him. My mind was overflowing with thoughts, the voices in my head telling me that I should talk to him. My heart, though, it couldn't handle being broken by rejection again. 

After an eternity, my dad stood and walked towards me. My nerves were overwhelming but I knew that I had to face him at some point. He was my father after all and a part of me knew that he would never let me go.

"I know you don't have any right to ask anything of you, but please, talk to me. I need to explain to you what happened and you need to tell me everything...please." 

The tears in his eyes were indication of exactly how he felt, and I felt a part of me breaking even further. All the pain I had locked away was now staring back at me, taunting me, wanting me to confront it.

"What do you have to say?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't hear my voice break.

"Everything," he said, reaching for my hand. He held it, as a tear left his eyes. "I need to know what happened, princess. I thought I knew hell when your mother left, but since you disappeared I've been living in it. Talk to me, tell me everything, I'll listen."

I laughed, insanity taking over my body. I laughed at the pain of the fact that he cared five years too late. I laughed at my need, at the fact that I still craved his trust. I laughed until my stomach hurt hoping it would somehow take away the torment in my heart. 

"You care now? Yet you still live with him... I needed you to care when I told you, I needed you to care so I wouldn't have to be roaming the streets alone," I said, far calmer than I thought possible. "Why look for me? You thought me a liar, you believed him.. What would it have taken for you to believe me?"

His tearful eyes met my own and I had to look away. It was too much. Facing your past head-on, it was too intense. I had dreamt about this day, a day where I would curse him for the way I was treated but now that he was here I couldn't. I saw the same sorrow within him. 

"He lives with me because I've kept an eye on him," he said after clearing his throat. "I saw differences in his behavior that I didn't see before after you left. I had to be sure he wouldn't find you. I want to know how it happened, Eileen... I need to know."

"I'm not telling you anything other than what you already know. If you won't believe me then what's the point?" 

"I'm so sorry," he said, his voice breaking. "It was too much when you told me. I didn't get a fucking chance to process anything, Eileen. You just told me out of nowhere, you were fine earlier and then that night-"

"That night I was in so much pain. Did you not realize I couldn't even walk right?" My blood began to boil as everything came back. The agonizing pain, the screams, the bruising... The blood. "It hurt every time I breathed. You're a fucking cop," I sneered. "Don't you know the damn signs of abuse?"

The door opened and I barely had the chance to register who it was. Alex saw me, a deep crease forming on his forehead but kept walking towards Angela. It was as if he knew exactly what I needed. He sat next to my daughter, placing an arm over her shoulder protectively.

My dad glanced over towards them, his eyes settling on Angela. He inhaled sharply, before turning to face me.

"Who are they?" he questioned.

I saw how Alex clenched and un-clenched his jaw constantly. His hands balling into fists as he tried to control whatever he was feeling. He could sense the tension between my father and I, though I'm not sure that he knew that was who he was. I pleaded to him, hoping that he'd stay with Angela for as long as I needed. Marty walked over to them, and I saw Alex gesturing with his hands towards us.

"Look at her. Go on, look," I told my dad.

I knew I was pushing him. I knew I was forcing him to see the harsh reality of my situation, but I couldn't help it. He wanted the truth? He would get a good dose of it. 

"Her eyes," he gave me a hesitant look. "Her eyes, they're exactly like Stephanie's." 

My voice finally broke, giving way to a sob I had been holding back for God know's how long. Years, without crying over this. All the emotions I had hidden were coming back full force, proving to me that I was indeed a prisoner to my demons. 

"Why the fuck do think that is?" My voice brought his attention back to me, his face was covered with so many emotions but the one I could read the most was regret. 

The reality train was crashing; slamming into him without compassion and there was no stopping it. 

"Do you see it now? Is that enough proof for you or do you need a fucking DNA test?" 

It all happened so fast. A loud roar left his throat, as he cursed before slamming his hands on the counter. 

"Motherfucker!" 

I closed my eyes, unable to see his reaction. The last thing I saw before going to hide in the restroom was Alex walking towards us. 

I buried my face in my hands, letting the tears fall freely now. It was impossible to push anything away now. There's only so much you can do when you are forced to grow up so early. The fragile castle of class I lived in as a child was broken down without any consideration, without any mercy. I was left alone to find all the scattered pieces and try to put them back together.

The problem when glass is shattered though, is that it is nearly impossible to find all the pieces. Some of the pieces that break off are so small that they aren't visible but they are still missing. How do you move on when a part of you is gone? What is the point when you just go through the motions hoping to find the piece of you that is forever gone?

Perhaps it wasn't my dad's fault, he didn't have any way knowing what was going on and I didn't blame him for that. I did hold against him that he had turned his back on me without any further thought. His betrayal cut through me worse than the abuse I had faced.

It was impossible to get over something like this. For a moment I wondered if it would have been better to cry before, to talk to someone because the excruciating pain I felt right now I didn't think I could tolerate anymore. 

Now my dad knew that Gerald's actions had consequences, one that hopefully he would know about. I could get through every day living with the scars of what he did to me, but if he did something to my daughter I would never be able to live through that.

I was so lost in my world that I didn't hear the door to the restroom door open. Strong hands turned me around, cupping my face in them and wiping away the tears. Soft words were spoken, consoling me, attempting to erase the pain that was oozing out of each and every one of my pores. His touch seemed to take some of it away, my sobs quieting down into hiccuping. I didn't bother open my eyes, it wasn't necessary. 

The lips that soon touched mine told me exactly who it was.

❤

-