• • •

Two weeks.

It's been two weeks since I moved back home and I already hate it. I can't even call it my home anymore because you're not here.

I haven't answered your calls or texts and I hate myself for it. I just thought it would be easier to get over you knowing you hated me, but it was killing me inside.

I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you, to tell you that I'm sorry and I love you with everything I have in me.

You're my best friend, Maddie.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

Did I mention my first AA meeting is tonight? I'm actually supposed to leave in an hour but I'm so fucking scared.

But I'm gonna do it for you.

I love you,

Harry xx

I was so close.

I made it two weeks sober and then screwed it all up. I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to do it.

I know you'd be disappointed. That's the sole reason I am not actually sending these letters to you.

It's taking every fiber of my being to not call you. You deserve so much better than me, a stupid, dependent, alcoholic nineteen year old boy who still has a lot of growing to do.

I know I can depend on you to fix all my issues, but when I'm with you, all of my problems disappear.

I love you always,

Harry xx

Hi.

I haven't written in here in a month, I kind of missed it.

I'm trying not to write so often because I feel like this journal is another way I am depending on you, and I know it needs to stop.

I need to come to terms with the fact that I may never see you again, but that thought kills me inside.

I've been sober for nearly three weeks. I'd like to say I'm doing pretty good. I made a few friends in the meetings and I've also got a sponsor to help me out.

Im trying, and I'd like to say you'd be proud.

Happy birthday, beautiful. How does it feel to no longer be a teenager?

I wouldn't know. I still have a month left before I find out.

Also, happy new year.

I hope you are doing very well. It's nearing four months since I left, and now two and half months sober.

I miss your smile.

I miss the way your eyes light up when you look at me.

I miss when you scrunch your nose when I tease you.

I miss the way your fingers feel in my hair.

I miss your lips.

I miss your voice.

I miss you. I miss you more and more everyday and it kills me not being able to see you or talk to you or know how you are doing. I forgot to mention this but Zayn, Gemma AND my mum all nearly beat me when they found out I cut ties with you.

This miss you too, and I feel like hell for what I did.

I hope you can forgive me one day.

I love you,

Harry xx

I don't feel any different. Just another year wasted in misery.

The only good thing is I am now six months sober, and I am nearly done with my second year of college.

I wonder how you are doing in college right now. Are you passing all your classes? I hope so. You always scolded me to do my homework, it's only fair I do the same.

That's one of the things I admired most about you. You focused on your studies more rather than going to college parties. Can't say I was the same, but I guess that's why we worked so well. We made it balance out.

I may not right in here for a while. I don't want to keep depending on this journal. I need to go live my life instead of moping over something I can't fix.

I wish you the best, Madison. I love you more than anything, and I always will.

Love,

Harry xx

Hey. It's been a while, hasn't it?

I forgot this thing existed.

I don't know why I'm writing it in again, honestly. It's not like I'm bringing it with me.

I guess I just wanted to "tell you" that I'm moving back to Toronto. This time around with Zayn. I almost decided against it because I was afraid of running in to you, but it's a pretty large city and I convinced myself that I wouldn't see you there.

We are actually leaving in a quite a few days, and felt like I had to write in here one last time before leaving it behind.

I still find it incredibly hard to believe that it's been three years. It doesn't even feel that long, but at the same time, it felt like forever.

Not a day has gone by in those three years that I haven't thought of you. Believe me, I've tried to find someone else by going on multiple dates, but I couldn't do it. Not when I still love you.

You'll always be the love of my life, and it scares me that I'll never find anyone else who is so perfect for me like you are.

I wish you nothing but happiness, even if I'm not the one to bring it upon you.

Love,

H x