"I'm not sure we were ever friends to begin with."

What the hell does that even mean?

"You didn't think we were friends?" I asked cluelessly.

Harry sighs with a shake of his head, hopping off of the hood of the car. "Never mind. Let's go back in the car before we get sick."

"No, wait. Tell me what you meant." I say as I follow his lead, a little persistent now because I wanted to know. He can't just say that and act like he didn't.

"It's not that important." He mumbled as we both got into the car, turning the music down.

"It is to me." My voice was stern, and that made Harry know how seriously I was about this. "Is seeing you and talking to you and being able to laugh with you not a friendship? Because if we weren't friends for the past two months that you've been here then I don't know what we are."

"It may have seemed like that to you, but it was never like that for me." He answered quietly, stumping me slightly. He didn't see us as friends? I am lost.

"Do I not make you feel like you are my friend? If I come off like that, I'm sorry Harry. I really didn't-"

"No! You are an amazing friend to me Maddie. What I'm saying is I just could never wrap my head around the fact that we are friends." He cuts me off softly, looking very conflicted.

"I'm sorry, but you are making no sense right now." I sigh, feeling a migraine grow as I try to process what was going on.

"Maddie, if I tell you what I mean, then I know for a fact we will not be friends anymore. You really want to risk that?" He asked in defeat, looking over at me with tired eyes.

Is it really that bad he won't tell me? Or am I just stupid for not being able to figure it out?

I wanted us to be friends if it couldn't be anything more, but I desperately wanted to know.

"We literally made out just a few days ago so yeah, I'm willing to take that risk." I stated, completely shutting the music off and turning my body at an angle so I was sort of facing him.

He stared at me like I was crazy, his hands tightening their grip on the steering wheel. "Just don't hate me or look at me differently after this please." He mumbled, letting go of the wheel and placing his hands on his lap while he sat at an angle as well so he was facing me, his eyes boring into mine.

"I'd never look at you differently for telling me what's on your mind." I reassure worriedly, letting him know I am listening.

Not looking away from me, he seemed like he would crumble in seconds before speaking. "I never thought you would be my friend after I saw you again. While I am glad we built this friendship, I just can't see you as a friend." He took a shaky breath, finally breaking our gaze on each other by looking out the front window ahead of us. "I can't see you as a friend because...whenever I look at you, all I see is the woman I fell in love with."

Before I can respond, he kept going.

"And I think to myself, "why did I let her get away? What did I do to even deserve to be in her presence again?" The moment I admit to myself that we are friends is the moment I admit to myself that I lost you for good..." He sniffed quietly and my heart clenched at the sound as I just stared at his side profile, watching him avoid my gaze. "...and I am not ready to let you go."

When he finally looked back up at me, his eyes were filled with tears, and I felt like I couldn't breath. He just gave me an overwhelming amount of information that I don't even know how to begin processing.

"I know I was the one to mess up our relationship - and I hate myself everyday for it - but I don't think I'll ever want to get over you, Madison." He whispered, staring directly into my eyes to the point where I felt so exposed, like he could read my thoughts. But his next words killed me, and I wanted to collapse as I felt my heart rate increase, the beating heard loudly in my ear.

"After I left, a part of me died." He barely spoke in a whisper, his voice sounding as broken as he looked. "And it was the best fucking part."

I felt like I couldn't breathe. Hearing all of this from him was overwhelming, and it only made my feelings for him escalate.

He reached up to his face, pulling his sleeves over his hand to wipe his face, clearly showing he was embarrassed he just said all of that to my face.

"I'm sorry to dump all of that on you." He chuckled sadly, sniffling as he still wiped his eyes.

"Don't be sorry. I'm just-I wasn't expecting you to say all that." I smiled apologetically, looking away from him.

"I don't expect you to say anything. I just had to let you know that you still mean the world to me." He says quietly, lifting his head to look at me. I've never saw so much fear in his eyes before, it was almost unsettling that he was afraid of my reaction.

I glance down at my bouncing leg, not knowing how to respond to literally any part of what he said.

My silence is upsetting him. I can tell by the way he hesitantly pulls his eyes away from me and slumps in the driver's seat.

I felt a pulse in my throat, and my hands started shaking as I thought of what to do to let him know I'm only silent because I don't know what to say and not because the feeling isn't mutual.

My eyes followed his hand as he reached for the gearshift, trailing up his arm and eventually resting on the frown his lips formed. Before he can put the car in drive, I leaned over the middle compartment, catching his attention.

"Harry..." I say breathlessly, which made him look at me. The emotion behind his eyes didn't go undetected, and neither did my glance at his lips.

Without a thought, I took the opportunity to push my lips against his a little roughly while my hand rested on knee.

He was certainly surprised - almost like I was when he kissed me at Riley's birthday party - but he responded a lot quicker than I did, deepening the kiss by tilting his head to the right and bringing his left hand up to hold my jaw.

Instead of dwelling on the fact that I am kissing him for a second time, I pour out every ounce of emotion that his words made me feel so he knows he means just as much to me as I do to him, getting frustrated when the stupid compartment between us keeps me from being closer to him. My hands rush up his chest before settling on his jaw to pull him closer.

His tongue swarms my mouth invitingly while his left hand falls from my face and rests on my knee, a shiver running up my spine when his hand slowly trails up the inside of my thigh, stopping when he is barely an inch away from touching me.

I whine breathlessly against his mouth, begging for him to keep going. That only seemed to spur him on more by the way his fist clenched my thigh, but I was annoyed he didn't take my hint. I didn't even care about any consequences our actions would bring in that moment; although, I knew I couldn't let this go any further.

"We can't..." I breathe against his lips in worry, needing to pull away before we do something we will both regret.

I sensed the disappointment that radiated off of him, but he understood my request and took his hands off of me.

Neither of us said a word on the drive back to the apartments.

What was bothering me is if he regretted what just happened, because the look on his face worried me. His expression was furrowed brows and a deep frown, telling me he was upset. Whether it was with himself or me was another question.

It wasn't until we were in the elevator did I finally utter a single word, only for it to be brushed off while he rushed to get out of the elevator.

"Goodnight." I mumbled quietly, but was completely ignored when he stepped out onto his floor, the upset look fading into one of fear.

When the doors closed behind him, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and pressed my floor number as my eyes stung.

Blinking away the tears, I drag myself down the hall once the doors open, struggling to unlock my apartment door from my shaking hands but eventually succeeding. I hang my key up on the hook next to the door before locking it behind me, taking a deep breath and pushing my hair back with my hands as I walked to my bathroom.

I nearly jumped back at the mess I saw once I turned the lights on. My cheeks were flushed, my lips were swollen, and my hair was in disarray.

Feeling drained from tonight's events, I just quickly use the bathroom and brush my teeth before throwing myself onto my bed, fighting the urge to cry out of frustration and confusion.

I groaned loudly into the mattress, flinching at the sound of my phone going off. I forgot I didn't even take it with me. I grab it off of my nightstand and unlock it, seeing a couple texts from Nick and Erica in our group chat.

- practice tomorrow morning, and then we have a flight to New York the morning after. Don't forget!

- yes ma'am

Fuck. I forgot we had to go to New York. I haven't even packed yet.

- got it.

I quickly type in my response before hitting send and curling up into a ball, already knowing I won't be getting much sleep.

• • •

Harry has been avoiding me, which I honestly wasn't all that surprised to find out.

I tried to talk to him about last night after my training session, but he practically ran away from me before I could get a single word out.

It is now nine at night and I am saying goodbye to Anne and Gemma since they would be leaving while I am in New York.

"Thank you so much for everything, dear. It was so great to see you." Anne says as she holds me in her arms.

"You're welcome. I'm gonna miss you guys." I sighed as we pulled back so Gemma could hug me next.

"We are gonna miss you too. Please keep in touch, Mads." Gemma mumbled as she squeezed me tightly. I hugged her back just as tight, smiling when she rocked us back and forth on our feet.

"Will do." I replied, feeling her pat my back as I pulled back.

"Have fun in New York." Anne grinned, kissing the side of my head.

"I'll try." I say in response, ready to walk out the door. Before I can open it, Gemma stopped me and pulled me out into the hall herself.

"You still have the journal, right?" She asked, looking around skeptically.

"Yes I do but only because every time I give it back I find it back in my apartment." I huffed in annoyance, not sure why it was so important I have that damn journal.

"Just keep it, Mads. Trust me when I say you need to read it." She sighs, seeming pretty desperate for me to read her brother's journal. What the hell was in that journal?

"What if I don't read it?" I asked, folding my arms to my chest.

"Then that's your choice, but you will regret it." She pulled me into one last hug, whispering in my ear. "Have a safe flight, Mads. Love you."

Frowning as she let me go, it's just now hitting me I probably won't see them for a while. "Love you too."

She smiled and waved as she went back inside, leaving me in the hallway alone.

• • •