Three days.

It's been three days since I've seen Harry. Ever since then, I didn't know what else to do but avoid him.

I wake up thinking about it and I fall asleep thinking about it. It's come to the point where if I so much as blink, I feel his lips on mine.

~

I sat there frozen when his warm lips consumed mine. His hands were on both sides of my face and he kissed me like he would die if he didn't.

My mind was clouded with millions of emotions and my chest was filled with a feeling I can't describe. His lips still felt amazing against mine.

After I broke from my shock, my hands fisted the sides of his shirt, his body relaxing when I finally kissed him back.

The familiar feeling of his lips on mine was something I didn't know I needed so badly until now, and I was afraid of what was to come after this.

Was this another dream? I didn't want it to be, but for the sake of my sanity and the result of our actions, I wished maybe it was.

The kiss wasn't rough, but it certainly was not gentle. It was needy more than anything, like we were both deprived of something we had gone so long without, and now that we finally have it we were scared to let go. The kiss wasn't long either. It lasted maybe around ten seconds; but it felt like an eternity in the moment.

I don't know what brought me back to reality, but I pulled away, more fear flooding through me. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Harry looking back at me, confusion and fear written all over his face.

"You should go." I managed to say beneath a whisper, my voice cracking as my eyes began to water.

"Maddie-"

"Please." I cut him off, hearing the pain in his voice.

I looked away from him, feeling relieved when he let go of my face and left without another word.

~

Why am I so stupid? Why did I have to ruin everything by making him leave?

I've been hiding out in my apartment for the past two days. I only left once last night for training, but I came straight here right after and didn't leave. I had off the clock training in a few hours with Nick, but I genuinely did not have the energy to go and fall on my ass for the second night in a row.

Currently, I was stress cleaning my room and was now working on my closet when suddenly there was a knock on my bedroom door.

"Mads, it's Gemma. Can I come in?"

Stopping what I was doing, I stared at the door, praying it was her and only her behind it. I walked over there and hesitantly opened it, sighing in relief when it was only her.

"Hey." I mumbled with a forced smile. She smiled when she saw me and I let her into the room, closing the door after.

"Haven't seen you in a couple days. You doing alright?" She asked, worry clear in her voice. I'm surprised Harry hasn't told her what happened.

"Yeah, I guess." I shrugged, putting a sweatshirt on the hanger I was holding, getting frustrated when the hanger was too wide and wouldn't fit into the neck-hole, making the hanger snap and fall to the floor. I curse and just drop the sweatshirt on the floor, putting my head in my hands. "No. I'm not okay."

"I see that. Did something happen between you and Harry?"

My blood ran cold at the question and I wanted to cry. "What would make you think that?"

She sat down on my bed with a sigh, a sympathetic look on her face. "Harry's been a mess. He won't eat and he's been quiet. Won't tell us what's wrong."

My heart fell. That was my fault.

With a sigh, I fell back first onto my bed. "Your mom told him I flew you guys here." I tell her, placing my arms over my face.

"Oh my god. What did Harry say?"

"He asked me why I didn't want him to know, and he figured out it was because I didn't want him to think I had feelings for him." I continued quietly, the feeling of a fist around my heart making my chest hurt. "Then he asked me if I did."

"Do you have feelings for him?" She asked skeptically, reaching over and moving my arms from my face.

I nodded slowly, and Gemma grinned widely, but I shot her down quickly. "But I told him I didn't know, and then he kissed me."

Her eyes nearly popped out of her face and she bounced up on the bed. "He what!?" She exclaimed.

"And I kissed him back."

"You what!?"

"But then I stopped it and told him to leave." I finished, not sure if I was ready for her next reaction.

Her mouth hung open in shock and she grabbed my shoulders, pulling me up and shaking me. "You did what?! Why?"

I grab her hands and remove them from my shoulders before she could keep shaking me violently, and I frowned. "I don't know, Gemma. I'm terrified!"

"Of what? It's Harry. Yeah, he's not perfect, but you two are literally made for each other. I've never seen him look at someone the way he looks at you. I've never heard him talk about someone the way he talks about you. What is holding you back?" She ranted, staring at me intently as I felt small under her gaze.

What is holding me back?

The past. That's what's holding me back.

"I'm scared if we start this again, it won't last. What if he decides he hates Canada and wants to move back home again? What if he realizes that I am not the person he dated three years ago and doesn't want to be with me? I can't lose him again, Gemma." Tears brimmed my eyes as I spoke, and her face softened, a sad smile forming on her lips.

"Maddie, you won't lose him." She tries to reassure.

"You don't know that." I whispered, dropping my head and staring at the blanket underneath me.

She didn't say anything for a few seconds before she jumped up from the bed impatiently. "I'll be right back."

Before I can protest, she was out the door while I prayed she wasn't being Harry over here or something.

Anxiously, I start biting the inside of my lips as I stare at the door waiting for her to return. A few minutes later, she was back. Luckily, she didn't bring Harry, but she did hold a small brown journal in her hands.

"Here." She hands it to me and I stare at it in confusion.

"What is this?" I asked, taking it into my hands and studying the cover, not seeing a name anywhere.

"It's Harry's journal that he left back in Manchester. I've read it and trust me, this is something you need to read too." She tells me secretly, but I shook my head and handed it back to her in panic.

"Gemma, I cannot read this. That's invading his privacy." I tell her in almost a scolding tone. It felt wrong just to even hold the damn thing, let alone read it.

"Maddie, I doubt he even remembers this journal since he obviously didn't care enough to bring it with him when he moved. If you won't read it, at least keep it until you decide to." She gave the journal back to me and made sure I didn't let go of it.

"Whether or not he cares about this journal, it's still not okay for me to read it. I'm not even sure if I want this in my apartment." I fought back in a gentle way, but the smile on her face grew.

"You need to stop being so rational all the time. If you don't want to read it, then fine. Just keep it." She finishes sternly, pushing the journal that was in my hands towards me as a way of saying to not give it back to her again.

"So, what are you doing tonight, other than breaking your hangers?" She asked, changing the subject into something less serious and frustrating.

"I have training at eight, but I don't think I'm gonna go." I sighed, scooting off of my bed and eyeing the scattered clothes on the floor. I won't be going anywhere until I finish this.

"Why not?"

"Well, I have this mess to finish cleaning; plus I'm just going to be falling on my ass again so there is no point in going." I tell her, setting the journal on my bed and starting to hang up my clothes again.

"Isn't falling a part of the process?" She questioned, which made me go silent because she's right. "Exactly. Why don't I come with you? I'd love to watch."

I turned around and raise my brows. "Really?"

"Yeah! It's been a while since I've seen you skate." She nodded eagerly and I felt a little more content with going knowing she would be there.

"Okay, then I guess I'm going."

• • •

"Ready?" Nick asks from beside me. The two of us were on the ice after stretching, and I have never been more grateful for us being the only ones in here. There are usually people in the rink with us because they would be practicing too, but it was completely empty other than Nick and I.

"To fall continuously on my ass? Yeah, why not?" I sarcastically answered, taking a deep breath and skating away from Nick.

"Remember that we are not leaving today unless you land it!" Nick shouted to me as I took a lap around the edges.

He says that everyday, yet we still end up leaving.

"Do a double lutz then try the triple axel." He says, following close behind me as I came to a fast stop.

"That's the plan." I replied, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, staring at the ice in front of me.

Forget about Harry. Forget about the kiss. Focus on your breathing and land on your right foot.

I close my eyes and take a few more breaths before opening my eyes and skating forward a few feet before turning so I was now skating backwards.

"C'mon Mads, you got this!" Gemma cheers. I smile to myself before blocking out all noise. I landed a double lutz last night a few times, but it was still shaky. I just had to prep myself before attempting the triple lutz.

When I felt ready, I kicked off of the ice with my left blade, spinning two and a half times in the air before sticking my right foot out, landing perfectly.

"There you go!" Nick shouted proudly as I skated over to him, breathing heavily as I smacked my palm against his. "Triple time!" He sang.

I groaned and dropped my head back. "You do it first."

"I was going to." He skated away from me and started prepping before he did a triple lutz in front of my eyes like it was nothing. If I blinked, I would have missed it.

"At least give me time to watch!" I tell him in disbelief as he skated over to me.

"I can't stop midair for you, Mads. It's your turn." He patted my back once he was close enough and I sighed, getting ready to try the triple.

I thought I would have landed it when I was in the air, but my foot slipped and I landed on my ass. It stung slightly considering it was still bruised from falling on it, but I brushed it off and tried it again. And again. And again.

I was ready to give up at this point.

"Come on, Mad hatter, I know you've still got it! Left, three and half then right foot!" Nick started shouting motivating words out at me as I got up after falling for the eighth time and skated back to the spot I started from.

Gemma had her hands over her eyes, probably because she didn't want to keep watching me fall. It looks a lot worse than it feels, if I'm honest. Maybe because I'm used to it.

Nick's voice still filled my ears, but it was muffled as I tuned out noise once again, attempting this damn jump once again and praying I don't fail.

Skate forward, jump off with left, spin three and half times, land with right. I can do this.

I was prepared to land on some type of body part that wasn't my foot, but it never came.

I opened my eyes when I felt my right foot on the ice and my arms were straight out.

"Yeah, baby! You did it!" Nick shouted.

"I did it?" I questioned, still not believing it happened. I didn't even wobble when I landed but it wasn't perfect.

"You did it!" Before I knew it, I was lifted off of the ice and my arms wrapped around Nick's neck.

I heard faint claps echoing and I opened my eyes to see Gemma on her feet, her hands above her head as she cheered me on.

"What do you say, again?" Nick joked, setting me down.

I roll my eyes with a chuckle, still catching my breath. "Haha. Let's stop while I'm ahead."

Nick and I went up to the studio on the second floor, which was also empty, and we practicing the lift from the Olympics multiple times. I have to admit, it is a lot harder than I remember. Nick seemed to be doing everything right, but I couldn't seem to finish it off in a clean way.

"Maybe we should wait for Erica to come back from Russia before we try this lift on ice again." I tell him, grabbing a drink of water from my water bottle and following Nick back down to the rink.

"Should we call it a day then?" He responded.

"Yup. I'm hungry."

• • •