Eun Jae threw away her textbook in frustration. She'd been trying for over an hour to study but to no avail. She was too distracted. It's been a week since the incident, and whenever she picks up her anatomy book she gets a horrifying flashback of the body lying on the white table. She had put aside everything that reminded her of the lab since then, but she can't put it off any longer. Tomorrow was another anatomy class, and already the anticipation was causing her to hyperventilate.

She stood up and began to pace back and forth in her dorm room, biting her nail anxiously. She needed a way to forget the incident. There had to be something she can do to get over her phobia. Everyone else was coping just fine, so why can't she do same?

Reset.

She paused, touching a finger to her lips. Now that she had time to calm down, she was beginning to feel guilty about hitting him, especially after he carried her out of the laboratory on his back and down several flights of stairs. No matter what happened, he did it with good intentions, right?

Don't overthink Eun Jae, she reminded herself, he said himself it meant nothing.

And yet she couldn't forget the unguarded expression on his face just before she walked away. Eun Jae shook her head quickly to dismiss the thought. No, she had enough to deal with, she won't add him into the pile.

She eyed the textbook on the floor. She'd gone too far to give up now. Determinedly, she picked it up and sat down to try again.

***

Woo Jin raced to the top of the hill, sweating profusely in the heat. Loud music blasted in his headphones, blocking away the sounds of the city and his own, turbulent thoughts. His lungs began to protest but still he ran like a man possessed. Like a man trying to escape from the past or the burden of the future. Woo Jin refused to grant himself some relief, climbing up the hill even when his knees were buckling, his feet as heavy as anchors.

With a loud grunt, he sprinted the last five meters to the highest point of the grassy hill. Woo Jin slowed down, holding on to a tree trunk for support as he collapsed on the grass. He shielded his eyes from the sun with one hand, trying to catch his breath back. A golden leaf dropped down from the branch above him, reminding him of a pair of warm sunset eyes. Woo Jin removed his headphones, dropping it carelessly on the grass. He laid there, staring at the bright, cerulean sky. It was so peaceful, unlike the grim reality that occupy his mind without rest.

That's just a typical cycle in his life, he supposed. He couldn't help it: he just had a talent for ruining anything good that comes. He thought the risk would be worth it, that he would be ready to accept the consequences. It seemed so absurd now.

It's probably for the best.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Lifting it out, he opened it to read the message from his aunt.

"I wired you some money. Go and check." it said, "It's your cousin's birthday. Come home and get some side dishes. Stop eating ramyun."

He closed the message and opened the next one.

"Send the money today."

That message awoke him. A reminder that he shouldn't reach too far, that some things are better off without him. He had nothing to be proud of. Nothing to offer aside from the mountain of debt his father accumulated. Nothing to look forward to, aside from the constant fear that someone will break his door down and finally demand to take his life as payment. Why would anyone choose to share this burden?

Yes, this is the best outcome. he repeated to himself, closing his eyes.

***

"Are you sure you're okay?" Seulgi asked, her eyes full of concern.

Eun Jae nodded, "Yes, I'm fine."

Hyorin gave her a side-hug, resting her head on Eun Jae's shoulder, "You scared us so much. Why didn't you tell us?"

"I didn't know how." Eun Jae confessed, her cheeks reddening, "It just seemed silly."

"It's not silly at all," Seulgi protested, "Look, if you're not ready we can talk to the professor..."

Eun Jae quickly shook her head firmly, "No," she said confidently, despite the butterflies inside her stomach, "I can do it. I want to do it."

Seulgi frowned and looked like she wanted to argue further, but their professor arrived at that moment,

"Okay everyone, to your places please and continue where you left off last week." he announced, "Cha Eun Jae, a word?"

Eun Jae nodded, separating herself from her friends, who reluctantly returned to their tables.

"How are you feeling?" the professor asked once they were in a quiet corner of the room.

"I'm okay." Eun Jae said, smiling as confidently as she could.

the professor studied her for a long moment, "I know how some students can find the lab experience...terrifying. You are not the first. If at any moment, you need to step out, I want you to feel free to do so. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir, please don't worry."

he nodded, "Right. Well, get back to work then."

Eun Jae bowed and hurried to her table. Woo Jin stood across from her, who kept his eyes averted while deep in discussion with Sungjin, refusing to acknowledge her presence.

Fine, I don't want to talk anyway. she thought, suddenly irritated.

Daehwi, who was standing beside her, nodded in greeting, "Nice to see you recovered, Sleeping Beauty."

Eun Jae stiffened, but she ignored the jibe and concentrated on reading her anatomy book.

"How are you feeling today? I hope you're not traumatised by last week's incident?" Daehwi inquired as he inspected his tools.

"I'm fine, thank you." Eun Jae responded coolly.

"I'm glad to hear it." Daehwi smiled, all innocent, and offered a scalpel to her, "Would you like to do the honors today? Since you didn't get a chance last time and I don't want you to miss out."

Eun Jae stared at his outreached hand. What game is he trying to play?, she thought suspiciously.

"Stop messing around, Daehwi." Woo Jin warns him, a frown on his face.

Daehwi rolled his eyes, "Relax. I'm just being fair to Eun Jae. I mean, how is she going to pass this class if she doesn't get the experience, right? I'm just concerned for her sake."

Eun Jae squeezed her hands into fists, Of course. It was a test. Daehwi enjoyed pushing her buttons, and he had the perfect ammo to use this time.

"Thank you, I have my own tools." she finally replied.

Daehwi shrugged his shoulders, "Suit yourself." he said casually

He watched her as she took her dissecting kit out of her coat pocket. She pleaded for her hands to remain steady as she pulled her scalpel and forceps out. She sent a silent prayer of gratitude for her face mask, for it hid the quick puffs of breath she took to calm herself down.

Eun Jae looked down the table, the pale skin of the cadaver staring back at her. She hesitated, her hands beginning to tremble despite her best efforts.

Daehwi cleared his throat a little, "Something wrong?" he asked, "Do you know how to make the incision?"

"Of course I do." she snapped at him. She inhaled deeply and pressed the scalpel, making a line across from the inner to the outer thigh. She repeated the same line above the knee cap, and finally a long cut down the middle of the leg.

So far so good.

Eun Jae put her tools aside and held both sides of the incision she made, preparing to pull it open. However, the minute her gloved hands touched the cold skin, the fear hit her, as if someone poured a bucket of ice water over her head. The horror of what she was about to do made her sweat, and her heart began to pump hard against her rib cage.

It's cold, why is it so cold. she thought numbly as she let go and took a couple of steps back, rubbing her hands on her coat repeatedly.

Daehwi watched her with interest, "Are you going to finish this, Eun Jae?"

Eun Jae shook her head as she tried to take a deep breath. "I...I can't."

Daehwi exhaled, as if he was disappointed, yet she saw the look of triumph on his face and her heart plummeted to the floor. He took the place she vacated by the table and finished the work she began. Eun Jae looked away, feeling nauseous. Her eyes brimmed with tears as the world began to spin faster and faster.

Please no, not again. she thought, panic-striken. I have to get out now.

Woo Jin had stopped working and was staring at her from across the table, his eyes full of concern and an emotion that she couldn't identify.

"Eun Jae-" he started to say

But Eun Jae didn't wait to hear the rest. She turned around and walked determinedly to their professor, who nodded in understanding. She left the room with her head held high, ignoring her friends' calling after her, forcing herself to take even steps all the way to the bathroom.

She locked herself in the last stall, her knees failed to support her and she crumpled to the floor. She took her phone out and quickly located her mother's name. Her thumb froze just on top of the call button for the longest time before she put the phone down again.

What am I going to tell her? That her daughter is a failure?

She hugged her knees to her chest, burying her face in her arms and letting her tears fall in a steady stream down her cheeks.

She had no idea how long she stayed inside the stall, but after a while she heard someone softly knocking on the other side.

"Eun Jae?" Seulgi called softly, "Would you open the door?"

Eun Jae sniffed as she slowly disentangled herself. She pushed the door open to find Seulgi and Hyorin both standing on the other side. They remained silent, kneeling down on the floor beside her and enveloping her into a three-person hug. Eun Jae cried and cried until her eyes had no more tears to give, her heart breaking into pieces.

***

"Did you see her face?" Sungjin whispered across the table, "She was absolutely petrified. I felt so bad for her."

"I know." one of their other group members said in a hushed tone, "Midterms is coming soon, how is she going to practice for the exam?"

"She's always done well, it would be shocking to see her fail."

"She's over." Daehwi said, packing away his tools.

"What do you mean?" Sunjin asked, eyes wide.

"Think about it. She can't even get through a simple lab incision without running away. What if its a live operation? What is she going to do then? No, she's finished."

"I guess you are right," Sungjin said sadly, "I'm glad I don't suffer from it, imagine trying to drag yourself to class every week."

"Girls like her let their emotions rule their common sense, that's why." Daehwi declared, "Good for her to get out of the way now, it gives me a better chance to take the top rank."

Woo Jin slammed his book down on the table, "Ya, when would you two stop your nonsense?" he demanded.

"Geez, what's your problem?"

"My problem is that we should be done cleaning up here by now, " Woo Jin said darkly, "but all you do is talk rubbish behind people's backs. If you have something to say, tell it to her face at least."

Daehwi folded his arms on his chest, "Why are you taking this personally?" he asked suspiciously, "Who is she to you? Do you like her?"

"It's called decency, try having some." Woo Jin countered.

Daehwi smirked at him, "So what if I wanted to take her spot? What's wrong with being ambitious? Don't pretend you're not thinking of it too. Her loss will always be to your advantage, so congratulations and stop pretending to be better than me."

Woo Jin laughed mirthlessly, "Funny how you like to pretend to know what I'm thinking," he said thoughtfully, " We're not on the same level, but sure, keep dreaming."

"You asshole."

Daehwi tried to step closer towards Woo Jin, but Sungjin quickly came between them. "Guys, let's not fight." he said nervously.

Woo Jin grabbed his things and left the room without another word.

***

Reasons to quit med school:

- It's so toxic!!!

- I don't like wearing the smell from Anatomy lab everywhere I go.

- Dissection is so scary, I can't breathe.

- I can finally sleep for a longer time.

Reasons to stay in med school:

- It will make my mom happy.

Eun Jae sighed, doodling at the edge of her paper, trying to think of more reasons to write. It feels a bit silly to do it, but she had to admit its mentally relaxing to see her thoughts on paper. She covered her mouth with one hand as she yawned, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

She decided to push the incident into one side and focused on her other lessons. They will begin learning more practical skills in the lab, such as drawing blood with needles and what to examine during a routine medical check up. Eun Jae was reading about how to find the right vein to extract blood, vowing to prove to herself that she's not completely hopeless.

Her phone vibrated on the table. Eun Jae answered it, "Mom? Hi, how are you?" she said, "Wait, let me step out of the library first."

"I'm fine. Shin Hye has gone back to Sweden now," her mother answered, "She told me to send you her regards, and that she hopes we visit her in the summer."

"That would be nice." Eun Jae remarked, sitting down on the steps leading to the library, "I'd love to see the hospital she works in."

"Yes, I'm assuming it's different from our local hospitals. You might want to work there too." her mother said, chuckling, "how is your studies going? It's almost midterms, isn't it? have you been studying well?"

"Of course I am." Eun Jae replied, "I'm preparing now, actually."

"Good, good." her mother said, "and have you been eating well? I hope you stopped having instant noodles for dinner. Last time you came home your cheeks were very puffy."

Eun Jae rolled her eyes, "Yes mom, I only have carrots and celery sticks."

"And a bit of protein, I think, to give you a bit of colour. You are too pale, my dear."

"Okay, mom," Eun Jae replied, breathing deeply, "whatever you say."

***

Throughout the week, Woo Jin tried to keep an eye out for Eun Jae. Her friends formed a tight, protective circle around her, either to make sure she was eating or to discourage others from gossiping and starting rumors.

Today, on a rare occasion, Woo Jin saw her alone in the library. Her book lay open in front of her, but her mind seemed to have drifted far away out of the window, where she'd been staring for the last ten minutes.

He sat a couple of tables away, trying to be subtle about watching her but failing completely. Luckily, she was too distracted to even notice him. He drummed his pen against his book, thinking.

Eun Jae began to scribble on a piece of paper, head bent down. Every few minutes, she would look out of the window again before continuing to write. He watched curiously as her facial expression changed from blank to hesitant and finally to dejected. She rubbed her eyes and her temples several times, as if trying to hold her headache at bay.

When she stood up to answer a phone call, Woo Jin got up and walked towards her spot. He placed a cup down and was about to go back to his seat when he noticed the paper she was scribbling on, lying innocently on the table. He hesitated, but his curiosity won and he leaned in to read the list.

He chuckled to himself at her list, which gradually faded as he stared at her lone reason for staying. He wondered about how that felt, living your life for someone else, and he realised it wasn't too different from his own.

He went back to his own table and began to read. Seulgi and Hyorin arrived and took the seats across from Eun Jae, blocking his view.

"Ya Eun Jae," Hyorin greeted, "you have a long face again."

Eun Jae sighed, "I just spoke to my mum, and she said my face is puffy."

Seulgi chortled, "YOUR face is puffy? Mine must be blown up like a balloon."

Eun Jae squeezed her cheeks, frowning, "She said I should eat less noodles."

"You had one serving, I think you're just fine." Seulgi remarked, "did you tell her about...?"

Eun Jae quickly shook her head, "No, I couldn't...she won't understand."

"Why not? She is your mother." Hyorin said gently, "I'm sure she will listen if you explain to her."

"I really doubt it, she'll probably say I should stop eating gluten to stop it from happening."

"Maybe you should." Seulgi said seriously, earning her a gentle whack on the head.

Eun Jae grinned, "Right, I'm just going to pop to the office before we go for dinner."

She stood up and gathered her things, "Thanks for this coffee by the way." she added as she left.

Seulgi frowned, "Coffee?" she looked at Hyorin, "did you buy her a drink?"

Hyorin shook her head, "I thought she was talking to you."

"Weird. I wonder what that was about." Seulgi said absently, scratching her head.