[13]

I toss around again, feeling frustration bloom in my stomach. Letting out a low groan, I press my head into my pillow.

I can't sleep. Again.

My thoughts are too loud, too tempting to think about. Every time I start thinking about something, I cannot stop. So many thoughts pop up in my head at night; ones that I'd never think about at day. They only come at night, preventing me from sleeping.

I'm so desperately craving peace for at least one night, just one. I want to close my eyes and drift away into a pool of silence and peace, yet I cannot even let my eyelids drop without either seeing a memory that I do not want to see or having a new thought pop up in my head, forcing me to lift my eyelids again.

I sigh, my ears focusing on the sounds from the room right next to me. Behind the thin wall on my left there is Chloe's bedroom, out of which soft snores fill my room.

How lucky she must be, falling asleep so easily. It would be so nice, not waking up in the middle of the night, thinking you were dumped with water, only to realize that it's your own sweat that your sitting in, not water. Or not tossing around on your bed until it starts creaking under your weight, breaking the silence that is engulfing the room with its annoying creaking and squeaking.

Yeah, that must feel good. Waking up with sun warming up your face, no dark bags resting under your eyes and feeling energetic enough to start the day. What a luxury that'd be.

I turn around once more, feeling my legs numbing from lying too long in the same position. My eyes feel heavy and droopy, but my mind keeps them wide open, as if there were someone forcing me to do so.

One of those many thoughts though, is Riku. He just keeps popping up there, invading my mind, bringing me back to the conversations, if you could even call them that, I shared with him. My senses also seem to remember him very good, because I can still feel his scent penetrating my nostrils, reminding me about it every time I inhale through my nose. And even though it is faint, it is there.

Or his hands. I can still feel a tingling sensation on the lower half of my back, exactly where his fingers had laid, intertwined with each other.

Another frustrated sigh leaves my mouth. Numbers. I should count. Maybe that'll help.

I put my hand under my cheek which is resting on my pillow, and force my eyes shut. I start counting in my head, forcefully pushing all the other thoughts away. 1. 2. 3.

I feel a yawn building up in my throat, but I still keep my eyes closed tightly, knowing that yawns sometimes make me open them. When it slips out of my mouth, I continue counting. 4. 5. 6-

Then, after hours of tossing and turning, I finally feel myself drift away.

I jolt up, my heart beating wildly inside of my chest. I look around me in fear. When I recognize the dark blue colored walls to be the ones that I woke up surrounded by many times already, I let out a shaky breath.

Another nightmare.

I close my eyes, suddenly feeling dizzy. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep. Again. I shake my head and lift my eyelids before I glance at the clock. It reads 8:23AM. A sigh leaves my mouth before I can even attempt to stop it.

Two hours and thirteen minutes. That is how much sleep I got. I already know that I won't be able to fall asleep again, not after what memories just replayed in my head while I was sleeping.

I swing my legs over the bed frame and slowly stand up, being careful with the dizziness. With steady steps I stumble my way through the room, feeling a headache building up, and slowly creak open the door. I peak my head through it and when I'm assured that no-one is up, I scurry into the bathroom.

I look into the mirror above the sink. The bags under my eyes got even darker and more visible, and my hair is a mess, strands sticking out in every direction and some even sticking to my forehead due to the sweat. My skin is pale and my lips dry, a crack sitting on my lower one. To say the least, I look like shit.

I turn on the water and splash it in my face, the coldness of it drowning out the dizziness. Then, I quickly shuffle into the shower and wash myself. I try to blend out the memories, try to block them, but it's hard, especially when you're left alone with your thoughts.

Sighing, I finish my shower and dry myself off before I wrap a towel around myself and take care of my wet hair. I only brush them and decide to let them air dry, not caring much about it since it's Saturday anyways.

When I get back into my room, I put on some comfortable pajamas and throw the towel over my shoulders since I don't want the water on my hair to soak my clothes.

My gaze wanders to my bed. It's Saturday. Should I just stay in my room?

After what happened yesterday, I don't really want to go out again, fearing that I might encounter Riku. It's funny, really. First I found myself kind of missing his presence, and now I'm dead set on avoiding him.

It's just- He's so mysterious. His walls are so high up, that I'm not even able to take a glance over it. He's good. Good at hiding his emotions or whatever is on his mind. His face is always either blank or tense. The only emotions I ever really saw on him are anger and irritation.

And after yesterday, everything got just even more confusing. His words are replaying in my mind like a broken record, 'Why don't you run away like the others?'

What does that even mean?

I shake my head in attempt to ridden myself from those thoughts and quickly slide under the covers of my bed. The warmth from when I laid there all night is still there, seeping through my hoodie and making me lean into my bed even more. I quickly pull my hood over my head and tug my sleeves further down over my hands, making myself comfortable.

Suddenly I feel my phone vibrate next to my feet, whereupon I quickly grab it and look at the caller ID. When I see who it is, a small smile spreads on my lips, barely noticable, but there.

"Hey, Chase. Wassup?" Kai's voice fills my ears.

"I'm good. You?" Lie.

"I'm great. You know what, I need to tell you something about that girl I saw yesterday. She flirted with me and. . ." I zone out of his rant when I feel my head starting to pound once again. I look around my room, searching for the medicine that I stole from my aunt.

I spot them sitting on my desk between some books. I stand up with Kai still ranting excitedly into my ear about how he met a girl that he will probably never see again in his life.

When I reach them, I quickly swallow one and sit back down on my bed when another wave of dizziness hits me. Maybe I caught a cold?

"And now she texted me and asked me out. Like, can you believe it? She's so interesting, man. And she's not like the others." I roll my eyes. That sentence. I've heard that sentence so many times already, it's slowly starting to make my ears bleed.

She's not like the others.

It's a lie. They're all the same; they're teenagers, after all. They only change when they find the right person. But otherwise, they only go on one date, have sex and never meet again. That's how it is, no matter how sad and pathetic it sounds.

Maybe they sometimes try and get to know each other, but as soon as someone reveals something about themselves that the other doesn't like, they part ways and never even think about each other again.

But nonetheless, I answer Kai, "Yeah, sounds cool. Good luck."

Because, like I already said, we're teenagers. We want to experiment, try out new things, have fun and enjoy our lives before it gets to the serious part. That's what the teenage-hood is there for, right? Making mistakes and learning out of them.

And Kai is better at that, than I am. I hide myself, my feelings and my true self, just because I'm afraid of not only making mistakes, but being one.

'You're a mistake, and that's all that you'll ever be.'

That's what he would always say.

"Anyway, are you up for something this weekend? The date is on monday because of Ayla's parents, so I'm free on the weekend," he asks.

"I don't think that's a good idea. I think I might have caught a cold or something, am feeling a bit off, sorry Kai." Lie.

Or is it?

Is it a lie when you really do feel sick? Is it a lie when you tell the truth though it's not the whole truth?

I do feel sick, but I also feel anxious at the thought of interacting with anyone lately. The nightmares of him and his words have made me even more self-conscious, making me fear that the more I say, the more people will get annoyed by me. And leave me.

"Oh shit, well get better soon, then. Should I come over? I can bring some snacks and, I don't know, we can watch a movie?" A warm feeling spreads in my chest at the concern in his voice.

I missed that. His concern, his goofy self and even his bad attempts at flirting with girls. Because he was there. He was there when I needed him. He noticed me. And when he left me, it hurt. It hurt a lot. So, to have him back is great, but also hard.

When he leaves me again, I might not be able to recover from it this time.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hey there,

here's another chappie.

Yeah, after the last one I wanted to write some more stuff about how Chester feels and more about his fears and stuff.

So, I hope I could give you a view of his feelings, and I'm looking forward to his the story will further progress!

Btw, Ayla is the name of the girl that Kai was talking about, just in case you go confused ;)

Stay safe everyone!

❤

- L I S A