《Renae Dreams (Currently Editing)》9.) Soul Searching

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Virginia's Dance Studio (May 13th)

Sitting here feeling kinda crazy

But not just any crazyyyy

Sitting in the chair as the music played, Renae waited a moment before she got up to dance.

It's the kind you feeeel

when you love somebody

And I know that my baby

Is calling somebody else babyyy

Stretching her arms out, she spun around then landed on her knees hugging herself.

And I can't sit still

Look how gone it got me

Who knew that my heart could have a bruiseeee?

Placing her hands over her heart, she dropped her head waiting for the next line.

You see this scar here on my chessst?

Looking at herself in the mirror, she reached out to herself as she backed up slowly.

I'm hurting... and

he don't even care

It's four a.m.

and my lover won't answer

He's probably somewhere

with a dancer

Swaying from side to side, she extended her right leg out then spun around.

Running briefly, she jumped in the air twice, landed on her tiptoe then dropped to her knees. Stretching her arms across the floor, she grabbed the empty wine glass and placed it to her lips when the next verse came on.

Sippin' champagne

while I'm in his bed

It's four a.m.

and I think I might lose it

This ma'fucker thinking I'm stupid

He must've bumped his head

Pretending to pull her hair out, she twirled around then did a back bend. Holding her legs up in the air for a split second, when the beat dropped she dropped down into a split.

Don't he know it's four a.m.?

Standing here and I'm getting heated

Pourin' me up a drink

I swear I need it

She continued to express her emotions through dance to the music. She hadn't spoken to Kingston in a week, but he ended up calling her the night before asking if they could hang out. She agreed to it.

I think I'm abouttt

'Bout to hurt somebody

Swear this man is begging me to leave him

Getting sick of being so mistreated

Walking towards the other side of the room slowly, she pretended to be arguing with someone.

Another night.. without

Without his arms around me

Sitting in the chair, she leaned back and flipped backwards landing into a split. Arching her back, she popped her ass a few times before she turned on her back and lifted her legs.

Who knew that my heart

could have a bruise?

As the music slowed, she parted her legs slowly. Tapping her love area, she closed her legs then reopened them and flipped over crawling on her knees popping her ass as she moved. She was so caught up in the music, she hadn't realized that King had been standing in the doorway watching her.

It's four a.m.

and my lover won't answer

He's probably somewhere with a dancer

As she stood, King could see the emotion all over her face. She used her body to tell a story differently than what the lyrics consisted of.

Preparing for the next line, she turned around and locked eyes with Kingston. She wasn't sure how much he had saw and a part of her felt better not knowing. Neither of the two dared to look away, but as the thought of him watching her crept up into her head she broke eye contact.

Sippin' champagne— cutting the music off, she sat down on the floor and started to stretch. Truthfully, she was just avoiding speaking to him.

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Walking fully into the room, he sat on the floor across from her and watched as she tried her best to avoid looking at him.

"How much did you see?" She asked, keeping her eyes fixated on the floor.

"Some good shit," he chuckled and she smiled embarrassedly. "Still afraid to come out of your shell I see," he added, laying on his side giving her no choice but to look at him.

"You just caught me off guard," she mumbled.

"I always do, I think I'll make it a habit," He joked earning a small grin from her.

"I'll have to start locking the door I see." She playfully rolled her eyes.

"Won't make a difference to me, ma." He coolly replied as he grabbed her phone and decided to see what other type of music she listened to. "You should put a password on dis."

"Putting the password in gets tiring and I hate using the finger print," she attempted to stand but he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him. "What are you doing?" She became nervous when he wrapped his arms around her and continued to look through her songs.

"Relax." Was all he said as he busied himself on her phone.

For ten minutes she tried to move but he wouldn't let her. If she wouldn't ask for help, he had no problem with volunteering.

"Did you eat?" He randomly asked after clicking on Joe's All That I Am album.

"Mmm-hmm," she began messing with her nails.

"What you know about Joe?" He glanced at her before pressing play on the All The Things Your Man Won't Do song.

"Heard it a lot when I was younger."

"And it just stuck with you after all dat time?"He queried and she nodded. "You like dancing?" He clocked on her camera and took a few pictures of them in the mirror.

"It's therapeutic to me," she answered, finally relaxing against him.

"You just rent dis space out for a few hours or something?"

"No one comes here, the guy said he's been thinking about turning it into an art studio, so I'm using all the time I can get."

Making a mental note of that, he was about to go into her camera roll but a call came in. "I think dis yo pops," he handed her the phone before standing.

"Morning Zuri." He greeted.

Renae smiled, "Good morning, old man."

"Are you still dancing?" He asked.

"No, I just finished up I'm here with a friend." She told him.

"Is this friend a guy?"

Laughing softly, she nodded as if he could see her. "Yes, it is a guy." She glanced over at Kingston and he winked at her.

"Let me talk to this friend."

"Dad..." she grumbled.

"I just want to see who in the world got my baby girl head gone." He said.

Embarrassed, Renae face palmed herself then shook her head, "We're just friends... if things start to get serious then I'll let you meet him." She whispered the last line.

"What does he do?" He questioned.

"Why did you call me crazy?" She ignored his question.

"I wanted to take your mom out on a date but I don't know what her favorite color is." He huffed.

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"She doesn't have a favorite color, so try a cute yellow or fuchsia." She told him.

"Don't laugh, but where should I take her?" He queried.

"She loves pasta and steak, whichever restaurant has those you'll be good." She assured.

"Ok and I have some stuff I need to ask you... we never spoke about how things went up at that center." He said.

Renae closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "Not now." She began tapping her finger against her thigh anxiously.

"Did you at least feel like it helped?" He asked and she stared ahead blankly.

2 months ago

"Brown? Renae Brown?" The nurse called looking down at the clipboard.

Raising her hand, the nurse motioned for Renae to follow her. "I'm not crazy... isn't this place for crazy people?" She asked as they walked down the dim hall.

"Well one of the nurses over at the hospital informed us of you self harming." She spoke looking down at Renae's file.

"But this place is for crazy people correct?"

"There's two separate parts dear." She assured, Renae just stared at her for a moment.

"How long have you been working here?"

"Three weeks." She replied and Renae furrowed her brows.

"So you couldn't even tell much about this place if I asked huh?"

"Probably not." The lady replied pressing the elevator button.

Handing Renae an brochure, she waved by before walking away.

"I thought you were coming with me?" Renae asked.

"I'm just told to walk you guys to the elevator." She spoke over her shoulder, confused, Renae stepped on the elevator.

Her life was about to change drastically.

"Shorty?" Kingston tapped Renae on her shoulder.

Snapping out her thoughts, she looked up at him and he squatted down taking the phone from her. "I mean no disrespect," He said before he ended the call.

Renae furrowed her brows ready to say something but he wiped under her eyes.

"What are you crying for?" He sat next to her.

Embarrassed, she looked away. "I'm okay... can we go?" She stood to her feet after she wiped her face.

"You gotta stop shutting me out Nae " he somberly replied as he stood.

"I'm not... I'm not doing it on purpose," she exhaled then shook her head as she picked up her bag and slid her feet into her slippers. Putting on her jacket, she walked out the room before he could say anything.

King was conflicted and felt as if he was getting nowhere. He just wanted her to let him inside of her head to get glimpse of the darkness that she tried to keep hidden. Maybe that way he could be of better help if he knew what it was that triggered her.

12 that afternoon

"Is it ok if I use your shower?" She asked once they got inside his house.

"Yeah, you know where my room at. Tha' washcloths and towels are in tha' hall closet." He said as he tossed his keys inside the bowl.

"Thanks," she picked up her bag and headed around the corner.

Walking into the kitchen, King removed his ringing phone from his pocket seeing that it was his mom calling. "Helluh?" He leaned against the counter.

"Hey son, you're up early."

"I rarely sleep anymore, what you up to?" He asked once he heard commotion in the background.

"Just getting things prepared for dinner, do you want a plate?"

King's brows creased in wonderment, "What are you cooking?"

"Red beans and rice, corn bread, yams and corn on the cob."

King's stomach growled on cue, "Yeah," he chuckled, "Just call me when you get done." he added.

"You know I will and thanks for the roses and new sofa set."

"It's Mothers Day, you know I wouldn't forget."

"I know dat, how are things with you tho? Dat damn girlfriend of yours keeps calling my phone asking for you," irritation was laced heavily in her voce.

King shook his head, "she is not my girl, just block ha' number. I moved on with my life." He told her.

"You got a new lady in your life already?" She asked.

"Kind of complicated but I'm trying." He kept it brief.

"What's her name?" She pressed.

King chuckled at the excitement in her voice. Before he could answer, Renae walked into the kitchen.

"Damn... sorry I thought you would be outside," she started to make her way out but he grabbed her hand.

"Let me call you later," he lowered the phone and disconnected after he heard an I love you. "What you backing out for?" He tried not to smile as he pulled Renae closer into him.

"I was gonna give you some privacy," She mumbled as she began to regret her attire. She wore fitted white jeans, a black cropped tank top, and had her hair pulled up into a bun. She rocked hoops and had a light coat of gloss on her lips.

"Dat was just my mom, you smell good," he said as he placed his hands on her waist.

Renae attempted to flee but King shook his head. "I'm not used to this," she nervously looked up at him.

"Being close to me?" His left brow quirked.

Renae nodded.

Sliding his hands inside his pockets, he stared at her. "Am I bothering you?" He decided to ask.

"No... it's not you..."

"It's what happened?" He finished her sentence and she nodded. "Does dis trigger you?"

"A lot of things do," she casually slid her hands inside of her back pockets.

"Like... what?" He was genuinely curious as he removed his hands from his pockets and placed them around her waist.

"You."

The pair held eye contact for a moment.

"Everything about me triggers you?" He queried.

"Just being close to you," she spoke softly.

"If I wanted to help you overcome dis would you allow me?" He asked.

Biting down on her lip nervously, Renae's eyes lowered as she pondered. "I don't think you can handle me spacing out, hitting on you and screaming like a madwoman much longer."

King chuckled, "Trust me ma, I don't mind."

"You say that now," she stepped back and walked out the kitchen.

King followed her, "Are you trying to push me away?" He asked, joining her in the garage.

"... no," she muttered, sitting down on the stool.

"So let's do dis then," he stared at her.

Renae took a deep breath, "Why not?"

**************************

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