I run my hands along the necklace, savouring the cool silver on my neck.

A simple cross neckless littered with rhinstones on the pendant, to some it was a fashion statement but for me it symbolised the only way of life I had known.

Or at least I thought I did.

My family was christian, I claimed to be one, yet Demilade's faith claim to Christianity looked so stark in comparison.

Like putting wood beside bronze, similar but not the same.

The clock tells me it's time to go but I'm still looking at the mirror.

Yesterday had been awful, I thought pouring my heart would've made me feel better but it turned out to be a boomerang and I was left bruising.

To my surprise no one had said a word to me that night Mom told Dad, I think the silence spoke more volumes.

I was another dissapointment beyond repair.

"Come down we're leaving." mummy says tersely, purposely omitting my name for a proper adfress.

Everything in me wanted to run away and hide in the dark corners built in my mind. Yet instead I grab a hoodie last minute and slip down the stairs.

How I hated church. And dreaded even more seeing Demilade's face after the kiss.

..............................

After hiding in the back with the chairs I edge closer to the seats now that all the front rows had been occupied.

My place in the last row was lonely but I liked it all the same, it mirrored how I felt.

Repentance. Hell. Sin. Salvation.

My ears burned and I snuck on my old earpiece so I could drown out the preacher.

Guilt and anger fought for dominance in my mind all through service and I was just about ready to bolt when I'm compromised.

The pastor had asked us to greet our neighbors, and for some reason Demilade had chosen to shake hands with a boy behind him.

I look away hoping he hadn't seen me and the hoodie made my face unrecognizable enough.

Ditching the pleasantries I stick my phone in my pocket and leave the hall quietly.

"Hey."

"Blood of-" I yell, turning to look at the nervous boy who had come out of nowhere.

"Sorry, but you can take off that costume now -I know it's you." Demilade says, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Frankly insulted, I stare at my knee length dress and hoodie over it.

Sure it was a bit tacky the way the skirt flared below the old grey covering, but my ego bruised nonetheless.

"Don't be so rude." I mutter yanking the hoodie off.

"You call honesty being rude?" he says, humour dancing in his voice.

I sigh, looking back at the path ahead of me. "My parents will be here soon, is there anything you want?"

"Wait are you okay." he asks taking in my darker than usual eyebags, and croaky voice that had been emphasized by my longer sentence.

Nodding I try to set his nerves at ease.

"If it's about the kiss then you know-" Demilade begins, a troubled expression making him look more adorable with furrowed brows and a slight pout.

"-I just don't want to be here, you don't have to worry about the kiss." I say accidentally hitting a sensitive spot in an attempt to divert the conversation.

He blinks before slowly trying to hide his dissapointment with a playful smile.

Which part of my sentence made him sad, I had no idea.

"Did you find the service that bad?" he says in a way one would perceive a joke, but the hope holding out in his eyes told another story entirely.

"No..." I say lying through my teeth. "...More of the you know God thing."

"Oh."

I bend into my heels, nodding along with him for lack of a better reply.

"Can I ask you a question though? No two." he says, unintentionally reminding me of Isren's last two questions to me.

"Yeah just make it quick."

"Well for starters, are you angry at yourself or God?" Demilade says, without hesitation.

I stare at him, the knot in my throat expanding as the saliva ran dry.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I say once I can jumpstart my speaking engine again.

"You're not happy with doing whatever you want, even if it's cool in the moment. But you're just as down when you're around anything remotely religious." he says hitting the bullseye with his words.

"I really don't know and I don't feel like knowing." I snap irritated more so by how right he was, instead of my total exhaustion.

"Are you sure you're okay Nims? I know you're naturally rude but you sound like something is off..." Demilade asks bending so he could examine my face properly.

But he comes too close for comfort and my heart skips a beat.

I'm afraid he heard it when he coincidentally looks up to my eyes, but pair of concerned honey circles remind me to breathe.

Worry was the only thing on his mind, not how irritational my entire being acted in his presence.

Cursed emotions.

The backhanded insult only now registering in my head I almost snicker at his words 'naturally rude.'

"Relax it's nothing big, second question?"

I say.

He eyes me unimpressed by my delay tactic.

"Will you be available to come with me to Victoria's house this Wednesday? Thought we should give her a visit." Demilade asks.

My parents would never let me go anywhere near Victoria but I knew my father's sympathy for what had happened combined with his less stringent nature would help me find a way.

"Definitely. Text me the time and all, I have to go now." I say unable to stand so close to him when all I could remember was the taste of birthday cake and his lips.

His eyes increase by a fraction at my abrupt response but he seems to play along with me for my sake.

"Go before your parents castrate me in the House of God." Demilade says allowing me to sidestep him and I do my best to mirror a real smile before I dissapear out of his line of sight.

................

My head is against the window like my parents had always warned me against, but for the fact that everything in my life had vanished with the wind I didn't mind the implications.

The icy kiss of the glass window, brought me a small sense of comfort and I leaned into the feeling, some vapour warming the spot opposite my mouth where I had sighed.

Radio tunes of an annoying presenter on the family station, died down and I hear my Dad speak to me. "So are you ready for graduation?" he says, reminding me of the impending day only three weeks away.

After that only God knew what was next, my entire university destination was hanging in the air.

"Yes Daddy." I say, hoping the conversation would end there.

And it did. Except for the occasional small chatter I will left to drift into a peaceful limbo.

Bang.

My eyes fly open at the sound of the window vibrating against my skull and I see my mum had closed the door.

"Oya wake up, time to go inside." my Dad says, killing the engine.

Slowly I get my legs to remember how to move one after the other, and I alight the vehicle.

I take my microwaved sunday lunch up the stairs and lock myself in my room.

Chewing slowly my mouth takes the wheels, thus leaving my mind to venture into places I couldn't escape in the dark silence.

While Victoria may have used partying and sex as an escape, it didn't mean doing those two in itself were wrong or always painful.

Yet as I sat on my bed, the night felt a little final.

As much as the temporary high was addictive, my soul remained as empty as in the beginning.

I slam my plate on the bed, which only brought as unsatisfactory oomph from all the layered padding. "Don't even bother yourself." I mutter, silencing the murky thought.

Try Jesus?

If there had been any doubt before, now I was surely a prodigal child.

The childhood story floods through my mind and I struggle to push away the thought that God would somehow be overjoyed to see me.

Stuff made of dreams.

Grabbing my phone from the stands I turn on the bluetooth and press play.

Lyrics perfectly describing how dead I felt inside crashed against eachother as I worked myself into a desperate slumber.

The sleep comes with a haunting echo nestled inside my mind; what if the other side is better than your wildest dreams?