《The Queen's Wife (girlxgirl)》37. What makes a woman
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"Come to bed with me"
Maud is starting to get it. Maybe. Something just feels like she knows.
Adelio takes her hand in his. He's shaking, just a little bit. A soft tremble that makes her worried for him, even though she has no reason to. How big could his secret possibly be, that makes him shaking so? It can't possibly be as insignificant as her secret. Maud has never seen Adelio nervous and yet now he looks as terrified as she was when she first met her brother.
They sit down on their shared bed, the covers soft and smooth under Maud's body. The room is drenched in a soft darkness, the only source of light coming from the three candles lit around the bedchamber. Maud doesn't know what to make of herself, as she sits there with her hands in her lap. Or one of her hands. The other one is held by Adelio, and he has quite the death grip around it. Adelio takes a few calming breaths, and his shaking hands slowly let go of her. The king glances at his queen for a moment, but quickly looks away, as if ashamed.
And he probably should be. The sky reigns down upon them, as his sins are exposed. What shame. What scandal. How terrible it is, that no matter what kind of relationship the king has, it will always be immoral. And yet here the king is, holding his queen's hand, about to show his true colors. Maud watches as his hands rise up to the collar of his linen shirt, and he slowly unbuttons the first button. His beautiful skin shines underneath, showing his collarbones and wide shoulders. Maud watches him with an intensity that most definitely makes him more nervous than before. He is beautiful, and he always will be, no matter what his secret is.
Adelio continues to slowly unbutton his shirt, until he reaches the fourth one. At this point a large part of his chest is exposed, showing nothing but skin underneath. Maud doesn't understand. It's just skin, it's just his body. She has seen this much before. He is her husband after all. But Adelio is nearly frozen still, his hands hovering above the fourth button. The king's eyes are focused on the floor, unclear and out of this world. Maud has patience, she waits for him to come back from his realm of thoughts. Adelio revisits every moment he has shattered glass and thrown a fit of rage over this secret. He remembers every single grievance and it is as if his life flashes before his eyes. This small moment, sitting next to his wife, this small moment before everything could fall apart. It feels like the most important moment of them all. Like the sky is slowly falling upon him.
Maud is startled when he snaps back to reality, turning to face her with wide eyes.
"Do you remember that old woman who yelled at me in the city of birds?"
The queen doesn't know what to say. The city of birds? It seems like everything concerning his secret circles back to that city. That's where they adopted Alaric, that's where he yelled at a lady for calling him a woman. The city of birds, what's so special about that place? Why is it that he always becomes weird like this when it is mentioned? But Adelio looks so startled, so oddly nervous with his eyes wide and hands frozen. So Maud doesn't say anything. She only nods. Pity blooms in her chest. Why is her husband so nervous about this? What secret could possibly be bad enough for him to act this way?
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"That woman- she... well she spoke of crazy things, right?"
Maud frowns, but nods again. She wants to do everything in her power for Adelio to calm down and feel normal again. The guy who was kind and calm enough to laugh at her secret. The man who is always so sure in their relationship, who knows what he is doing. The man who isn't sad like this, who doesn't make her heart hurt for him like this. She can't stand seeing Adelio hurt and scared. Especially when she knows that he is scared of her.
"Yes, she called you a woman. I remember. You seemed very angry at her"
Adelio looks almost ashamed. His eyes fall down to his hands, as he begins to fiddle with that damned fourth button. He looks so very different to the man who yelled at that old lady for spreading false rumors. Back then he was angry, confident, assertive- maybe even scary. Now he seems more timid, if that's even possible for a warrior like him. Tired, perhaps. His eyes definitely look tired, and scared. Scared of what she'll think? That's ridiculous... surely she'll react positively to whatever comes out of his mouth. They've been married for nearly a year already, she knows enough about him to be sure that he is a good guy. To be sure of his personality. Nothing could change that.
"The thing is... I need to be very careful of my reputation"
Adelio finally unbuttons the fourth button. Something white lays underneath. Maud can't take her eyes off it. What is that? Some kind of bandage? Is Adelio wounded? Her eyes see it, it's almost like she already knows, but her brain just can't keep up. And Adelio's words ring in her ears. He needs to be careful of his reputation? Why?
"This kingdom relies on a strong leader, and that leader happens to be me. I have no brother who could replace me. The kingdom's future has always kind of been on my shoulders"
Maud watches him unbutton yet another button, and then another. The white thing is definitely bandages, wrapped around his chest again and again and again. Layers upon layers of white, clean bandages. There are no blood stains or bruises showing. It doesn't seem to be for a wound. Maud tries to rack her brain for an answer, as she hyper-fixates herself on what he is saying and what he is doing. Everything else in the world fades away. She can only hear him, his beautiful voice, and follow his hands, his wonderful hands, and watch as more and more of his chest is revealed. His odd chest, covered in bandages, a weird shape.
"My mother was actually under a lot of pressure to conceive a male heir for the throne. Father told her he would personally kill her if her firstborn was a girl"
Maud gulps. That sounds terrifying. She had no idea the former king was that brutal. He seemed like a wobbly old man, incapable of anything good but also incapable of anything bad. Just an empty shell of a man, a king with little power. To think that he had once been such a monster, and to his own wife! How did Adelio ever end up to be so kind, if his father had been so cruel? Perhaps it had to do with his mother. Maud has heard many stories about her. She seems to have been a very nice woman. Kind, beautiful, smart... cunning. Capable... Maud is starting to understand, but she just doesn't want to face the truth. Adelio has given her so many hints already, he is easing her into it but she doesn't want to understand. She refuses to understand. She refuses to pick up the traces he is leaving behind him.
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Adelio has taken off his shirt now. He has beautiful, wide shoulders, and a strong back. His skin is smooth like silk. He has a tall torso and lean stomach, and his arms are strong. But there are these bandages around him, all over his chest, and they actively suppress something. Maud thinks she knows what it is. She doesn't want to say it to herself. She hasn't realized it yet. It could still be something else. She isn't going to acknowledge it. Adelio isn't looking at her anymore. But his voice continues to sound in the room, his tone surprisingly stable.
"Could you help me take them off?"
Maud is frozen for a moment. Adelio continues to look towards the wall instead of at her. The queen feels as if her mind is suddenly empty, buzzing with a thousand thoughts and yet it feels like there are none. Nothing. Emptiness. Adelio waits patiently. It's Maud's turn to be nervous. She is nervous enough that she is shaking. Or perhaps it's shock. But she hasn't registered it yet, her mind is empty of thoughts. Her ears are ringing. She is a woman in this world. She has been raised to do what others say. So without even realizing it, her hands automatically move towards Adelio's bandaged chest, her whole body turning towards the king. Adelio on the other hand, stays frozen like a statue. Perhaps he is nervous too. She can't register it. Not when her hands begin to unwrap the bandages at a slow and hesitant pace.
It's hard to do it when her hands shake. It's hard to think when she is suddenly without thought. But somehow Maud gets the job done. In their shared bedchamber, together on their second night as king and queen, Maud finds out the truth. She sees what Adelio wants her to see. The evidence is clear beneath the bandages, there is no question about it. Adelio doesn't look at her. Maud feels a lump grow in her throat. Is this the reaction she's supposed to be having?
A woman. Her husband of nearly twelve months now, is a woman. The person she has believed to be a man for the longest time has been lying to her throughout it all. And it's not about the lie anymore. It's not about her husband keeping a secret from her. It's about what it is. He is a woman. She is a woman. A woman is married to her. She has a wife. And by God that is sinful. That is her first thought. Everything that the strict church in their kingdom has ever told them, everything that she has ever been taught. Marrying a woman must be a sin. Maud has been living this sinful life for a year now without knowing it. But that's not all. Her mind continues to spiral.
Alaric, her son. Adelio finally makes sense. Of course their child had to be adopted, there would be no way for her to conceive an heir with a woman. And Maud curses lady rose, the woman who was supposed to teach her about the relations between a married couple, for not telling her more specifically. She would've known what a man looks like beneath his trousers if she had only been told the truth. They keep women way too innocent in this world. Now it all makes sense. Adelio is not a man, she is a woman. Everything falls into place, and yet her entire world quickly comes crashing down. She can't hear anything, but feels everything. Every emotion possible. Anger, sadness, fear, confusion, curiosity.
"Nobody knows"
Maud doesn't know what to say. She stays quiet. Adelio's voice is loud in the quiet room. Maud's heart is beating even louder in her chest. Slowly, the king begins to redress himself. She pulls on her white linen shirt, this time without the bandages. The process is not rushed, her eyes are calm and her expression is strict. As if she wasn't nervous just moments ago. This is a dangerous situation, Maud suddenly understands. Adelio is in a dangerous, vulnerable position, as she sits next to Maud with her secret exposed. And now the both of them are a little cornered.
"I have always done what is necessary. For my mother. For my sisters... for my kingdom. This secret is more than a simple charade. This is my life, and the kingdom's life"
Once Adelio is redressed, she stands up from their bed. Maud's eyes are widened. She resembles a scared animal as she meets the king's gaze. Adelio has always been serious when it comes to her kingdom, she has always had that quality about her. And when she gets like this... cold and stern, that odd emotion in her eye which Maud has learned to hate... Maud doesn't know what to do with herself. The king has stood up to get her point across, the queen assumes through her shock. She can't do anything but watch and listen. Her tongue is suddenly incapable of forming any words. Her mind is empty too, of anything good to say, anything good to think. Her breath can do nothing but hitch as Adelio bends down and leans closer, coming face to face with her, staring right into her eyes. It's threatening, right now. Adelio is being threatening, for the first time in a long while.
"If this secret gets out, the kingdom is ruined. We'll be killed, the both of us. Do you understand?"
"Now-... I can hide my true self easily, it is what I have done for my entire life. But you..."
Adelio squints, and Maud backs away from her, nearly leaning back on the bed. Adelio leans forwards.
"You must swear to never tell a soul. Swear to act as if nothing is wrong. Swear to keep on living as before. Forget God, forget your brother. You are queen and I am king, now this burden is something you must also carry"
Maud feels tears gather in her eyes. She hadn't expected Adelio's secret to be like this. She had no idea the person that she is in love with is a woman. She had no idea that she was actually in love with a woman, and not a man. Not her husband, but her wife. But what can she do? Adelio might be threatening her, but she is right. She is king and Maud is queen, their kingdom rests on their shoulders, their son's future depends on them, and if this secret were to get out they would all be killed. For there is one person this country holds in higher regard than their king, and that is God. Now near crying, Maud answers her husband with her voice uncharacteristically unstable.
"I swear, I-I won't tell a soul"
Adelio's eyes soften immediately at the sight of her wife's tears. She stands up straight and clears her throat, feeling guilty. That's just the thing, her heart is in conflict with her brain. On one hand she has been raised to become the most perfect crown prince and king, she is a man on the outside and sometimes on the inside too. Since birth she has been taught to guard this secret with her life, to do her utmost best to keep anybody from knowing. Adelio has always known that if she wants to tell someone, they either have to be dying, or they have to swear with their life that they won't spread the secret. But she has had a change of heart ever since marrying Maud. Love can change so many things. And now the process of forcing Maud to stay quiet seems brutal, even though it is so terribly vital for both of their survival. Perhaps she could've done it in a kinder way. Then again, the king isn't so sure whether she knows how to do it kindly or not. She probably doesn't.
"Maud I'm sorry for lying"
Adelio guesses that an apology is nice, at least. Maud stands up from the bed.
"I-"
It's quiet between them, just for a moment. Maud looks up at Adelio, but her gaze quickly falls to the floor.
"I'll go get some fresh air"
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