I’m at the moment of time where I have to look at us and rethink any of it, if it’s worth trying. I have to look at you and physically pinpoint the fact of the matter, is struggling for the rest of my life worth having you around, worth worrying for you, catering to the same shit that you can’t seem to cater for yourself. I’m at the impasse I’ve struggled with all three of the other times we’ve tried dating. I’m at the moment of clarity where I had previously considered dumping you and thought at all of those other times “yeah this is worth doing” because men are action takers and we can’t do anything but make a choice with our lives in the heat of the moment. I’m fucking angry I’m fucking pissed, on the car ride home I smiled genuinely because I thought about curb stomping a guy, or throat punching another guy you’ve spoken to. I am cruel I am vindictive and the only thing keeping me in check is myself, so the moment I realized that you had driven me to referring to you as “my bitch” in my own head I realized I wasn’t the same as I had been months before. Well I’m also at a moment of maturity to try, I’m thinking past the previous points of clarity from when we had split before, all because I made those choices, this is my moment where I consider, find good ground and realize that you just might be worth my time, effort, love, faults, and more.

At the moment I’m so deeply in fucking love with you that the thought of being hurt seems so much easier than actually having it happen.