"you still have a month of rest Amanda so take it to clear your mind okay?"

That was Madeline's suggestion, after she came to accompany me for the day...

"I'm fine"

"I know you are, but still, I already spoke with Edwin, and he told us that you won't be on the show for a month"

"I'll be back in a week time, I'm waiting for my wounds to heal that's all"

"aman-"

" not to ever run away again"

"I'm not telling to run away from us, I'm just telling you to rest at home, or go out with your friends...you don't need to work for the time being, that's all "

"I get it ..thank you two bu-"

"Madeline, can you please excuse us for a second?" Henry interrupted the conversation when he came into the living room

" it's a bit late anyway, I'll be taking my leave then. Have a good night." she said taking her bag and waving bye "no need to send me out"

Henry nodded "thank you "

"take care" she turned back to me one last time

"I will.. you too"

A small weak smile was the last thing that was exchanged between us...

"what is it?" I asked when I found him just sitting across of me, staring at my hands

"where do you want to go?" he said taking my hands in his holding them tight , which actually grabbed my attention to them for a second before I looked back up at him

"Nowhere"

"Am-"

"I'M GOING NOWHERE HENRY... I said I'm fine, so can you guys stop?.. Everyday someone comes and stays with me as if I'm going to kill myself in any second! I'm not going to take my life!! so stop acting this way! I hate that you all treat me as if I'm weak an-"

"Babe, Louis is going back to school in a few days, so he asked us to stay with his grandparents and uncle for a while. All I wanted to do was take you on a honeymoon for two weeks since we didn't get the chance to, then we can go and stay with your family for a while after we come back "

"AND THAT IS WHY WE KEEP SPENDING TIME WITH YOU!...*sigh* Listen... Peter said you are going through depression and anxiety"

i knew what i was dealing with already and it's normal, what do you expect from a woman to be like after losing everything

"you cry and yell while you're asleep and I feel worthless for being unable to do anything about it... I'm just scared for you "

"I will be fine, just give me some time"

"NO! give me some time ...just a month .. month and if nothing changes, then I will let you do whatever you want "

"henr-"

"you're drifting away from me!! you promised not to leave me for a man but that doesn't mean I will allow you to leave me because of this "

"I didn't say that i'm leaving"

"but it's the same behavior from when you did ...I stayed still once but I won't do it again, I told you Amanda, "

"wherever you want"

"Huh?"

"you asked me where do I wanted to go"

He lifted our hands and kissed mine letting a warm tear stain it

"hen-...Henry?"

No answer from him part.. just a longing sad gaze and a tired wide smile with shining bright tears to complement those eyes..

"have you ever thought of how lucky you are? "

"... i lost my first wife and my only best friend but thanks to her you and Louis appeared in my life, then lost my mother but you were there for me and that day was the day that we got to hear Louis call me dada for the first time ever" he snickered turning his gazing down to focus solely at my hands "I'm lucky that you divorced me or I would've never gotten close to your family and gained a new mother that I can call my own, siblings, a father, even though he would kill me if I were to ever hurt you" he lifted those orbs back to me "I would've never gotten this amount of friends if it weren't for all this hardship, your siblings, Ed, Mad, Vic, and Pete.. i got close to all of them now but you're drifting away from us "

"i-"

"when we both lost ivy I grieved for so long but you picked up yourself and you picked me up. Now we lost our daughter I'll be the one to pick you up so give me a chance please."

"she is my daughter too Amanda, a daughter that I wished for more than you ever did. A niece that your brothers waited for and a grandchild that your parents loved before she even came to this world... A sister that Louis wanted for years now, you've already witnessed how excited he was for nine months..."

"i can never understand your pain, I am not a woman but you also won't be able to understand the pain of a man that finds himself tied and unable to do anything for his family...but you know what? I still think that something good will come out of this .. and i wish you could do the same Amanda"

He left then with a peck on my forehead so light,but also so heavy; carrying hidden emotions behind it.

"lucky?" I whispered

Am I?

"honey?" i heard her shaky voice welcoming me when she picked up the phone

"mom.. how are you?"

"i'm good , what about you honey? Is there something you need? "

" don't know... that's why I called you.. to know what i should be feeling now, you are the only woman in the family that can understand me now.. i just don't know anymore ma... "

"honey, i know it hurts, we all do..you lost two parts of you in one day, we are all griefing about this loss. But in the end, the living must continue to live for the sake of the ones who are left ... i know we told you to follow your heart and not shut it down but no i need you to be reasonable and think about it, just find a good balance between the two Amanda... Before you lose control over everything, including yourself"

"Joshua and Aiden came, Vic, even Madeline, they all came here but you and dad, you never spent a day with me...do you know just how much i needed you here? "

"you have a husband to lean on now... Even though, we are here for you ..and always will be ..but you need to build a tight relationship between you two so that when we can't be of help anymore you won't feel as empty as you would if you kept leaning on us instead .. It doesn't mean we are not watching over you honey .. 'cause we are, but we're just giving you some space "

"i still want you both here, you were already away from me for five years..mom i- i wa-" my quivering chin stopped me to warn me of the following flowing tears..

"honey?! "

"i want to let everything go but i feel like i will betray her if i do ...she's my daughter mom ..i-"

"you lost your daughter but please...please don't make me lose mine to depression and anxiety ..i want to see you smile honey ..so please, pick yourself up with your family then come to us so we can spend some time together okay ?"

"mom i-"

"it was meant to happen Amanda ..it was just ...destined to happen ...so take it in and move on"

all the goodbyes and take cares ..love yous and see you then that came afterwards went to waste ..

the only thing that kept playing in my head was...

the fact that...

It was to happen ...

destiny ?

Ivy stopped me from going after Edwin , married Henry and gave birth to Louis then passed away...that was her

Now I married Henry , lost a child and lost the ability to give birth ...and this is my

But ...

out of the clash of these two destinies

came one great gift

a son

I got a son already...

I do have son..

he might not be my flesh and blood but i had him since day one

i bathed him, clothed him, fed him and stayed up nights taking care of him so he turned out to be the one he is today

If she hadn't stopped me from going after Edwin , if I didn't sacrifice years for this family , I would've been with Edwin now , with no child ...for the rest of my life ..

But she gave me a child of my own

God gave me a wonderful story...to live...

Yet i dared call it ... unlucky

I cried out of relief...

I cried out as I breathed...

I've been let it consume me

As it led me to sleep

But now... I have another way to seek..

I have another way to fall asleep..

"Mommy?! are you okay? " Louis asked me the moment I opened his room's door to find him on his bed, looking at nothing and doing nothing.

"Do you mind if i sleep here? ..with my son"

he nodded frantically as if he was waiting for this moment "but..did you and Dad fight? "

"no, just wanted to spend a night with my son" I smiled at him after I moved to reach his bed and colonize a part of it... Pecking his head and pulling him to lay his head on my arm I announced "you should go to sleep now, it's already late"

"okay"

He pulled the covers and waited for me with his eyes looking at my every move as I was hugging him closer to me and letting my fingers go through his silky hair

"mommy"

"hm? "

"uncle joshua told me, that we will meet her in heaven, she will be living there; eating well, having fun and having so many friends that love her, while waiting for us so we don't have to worry about her "

"yeah ,she will" i was chocking a little when i heard that but i had no more tears to cry ...my eyes went dry already... after nine days...

"so don't worry and don't cry, she's in a so much better place"

"she is and don't worry I won't cry "

I pecked his head then cupped his face in my hands tilting it upward to face me "can I ask you something?"

"Mm"

"did you have a name for her? "

"yeah, dad said that we will name her Samantha since it goes along with your name"

I chuckled faintly "it does"

"what were you going to name her?"

"whatever your dad wanted ...now go to sleep, or we won't stop talking "

"okay, good night " he dived under the covers, burying his face in my tummy like he always did when I was pregnant... Said he wanted to be closer to her...but there was no her anymore...

No..no more of these thoughts!

"night" I said caressing his head and patting his back waiting for him to fall asleep

"Are you mad at me?"

I was startled by this voice, so I opened my eyes and looked at the shadow standing over me, looking down at my laying form and the little boy that resurfaced from under the covers still sleeping tight

"no" I whispered , eyeing Louis making sure he didn't wake up

"then why are you here and not in our room?" he whispered back

"just realized" I said then looked at Louis "how lucky I was"

"we promised that we will give her a name only when she is born but In my head i named her ivy , Henry ...I named her ivy ... so I felt like I killed her, it felt like that name was unlucky and I just gave it to my daughter so she died ...but ...that name was what gave me the world ..she gave me her world ; her son and her husband " i said now looking at him "... so who am I to complain ?" tears fell staining my face making me realize that these eyes of mine.. weren't dry yet

"Amanda ca-"

"I will be truly fine now, so no need to worry about me " I interrupted him

"I was going to tell you to move a little ,so I can lay down with you two" he smirked knowing quite well that he managed to annoy me ..

"it will get cramped" I chuckled silently not to wake Louis up

"I don't mind, I don't want to sleep alone "

"help me pick him up and let's go sleep in our room, our bed will fit the three of us"

"I have a better idea, let's just leave him here and go to our room "

I glared at him playfully and he did the same but then he cracked up "fine! I will bring him...you go first"

"okay" I replied but I stood there watching him ...

What just happened?...

How did this conversation happen so easily and so spontaneously?....

How did my heart get lighter and how did the dead butterflies in my stomach go back to life?

Was it that easy?!

"What's wrong?"

"Huh?... Nothing! I'll be waiting in our room" I sprinted out of there holding my heart after I was holding my breath...

Was it.. truly... this simple?

"thank you for naming her ivy " he said after we spent about five minutes in bed in utter silence just looking at Louis' sleeping form between the two of us

"I was afraid you would hate it... That it would remind you of her, so I thought I would let you name her when she's born "

"eight years , Amanda .. eight years ...I already accepted my past and embraced my present and future ,I've grown older now, our son is almost ten years old and I have white hair showing -"

"don't you dare get dramatic now!" I hissed at him and he chuckled , holding the hand I had patting Louis' chest lightly, and squeezing it slightly before parting my fingers and getting his through the gap in between them

"don't worry , I won't be stealing your job ..drama queen "

"oh really? I'm a drama queen? "

"yeah "

"then who was it that almost ripped my hand hiding behind me when the roach he was trying to kill started flying "

"so what? you almost ripped my hair out of its roots , ripped my shirt and chocked me with my own tie, how do you explain that ? "

"I was giving birth ..is that enough of an explanation?"

I could see how his face dropped when I said that "sorry , I -"

"the only thing I feel bad about is that I can't use that as an excuse anymore "

"what?"

"it was painful but the moment the pain lessened I used that time to beat you up since I couldn't lift my hands up while I felt my body getting ripped from the inside

"you serious? "

"yeah ..what did you think ? "

"and I thought you were in pain "

"I was, but not when I messed you up"

He lifted our hands and pulled them closer to him, kissing mine "you can do it anytime , I am down whenever you want to..just make sure to bring that yellow shirt "

I chuckled "I will"

He shook his head after a while, smiling..

"what is it now? "

"I just can't believe it "

"what? "

"how lucky I am to have you two in my life "

"me neither...you should be honored "

"you're lucky Louis is in between the two of us now " he glared at me then broke into a wide smile that i mirrored on my face , just looking at him

"I am...I am lucky "