Toni woke up with ragged breaths, sweat dropping from her forehead and chest. Another nightmare, more vivid this time. They were getting worse and the pills were starting to lose their effect. Toni sat up in the bed and swung her legs over the edge. She didn't know what time they had gone to bed, all she knew was they weren't in each others arms like usual.

Toni dropped her face into her hands and she rubbed it a little. She went and grabbed her phone from the nightstand. She clicked on a message she had received and opened it up.

how are you feeling Topaz? Are you doing OK, I know home life hasn't been easy

Toni smiled a little at the sight of a message, it was good to have that feeling of having someone looking after you.

had another big argument last night, and got a slap in the midst of it. Hurt like a bitch

wtf, oh Toni I'm so sorry. Look wanna come to mine, talk about this over a beer. You deserve it x

I don't think Cheryl will be happy, she will accuse me of sleeping with you or something

don't tell her then, say the boys need your help with some recording stuff

risky but I will do it. The beer is calling me

great well if you pop over around 2 I will have it ready.

alright sounds good, thanks for this x

Toni put the phone to the side and was about to get out of bed but a hand reached her wrist and pulled her back into the bed. Toni looked up only to be faced wihh Cheryl above her.

"Cher?" Cheryl looked down over Toni, fingers tracing over her cheek.

"don't talk" she whispered and leant down pressing her lips to Toni's. Toni was shocked by this sudden development, not really sure what to do. Cheryl pulled back frowning "why aren't you doing anything?" she asked, a little annoyance in her voice.

"last night we just had a huge fight and words were said but now you're just back to kissing me and wanting me?" Toni asked

"it was nothing, can we forget about last night" She insists and leant back down pressing hungry kisses to Toni's neck.

"I have a nice red patch on my cheek to remind me of - ow!" toni jumped back as Cheryl nipped at her neck playfully.

"seriously you're just... Fine" Cheryl got off of her.

"babe.." toni sat up again and turned to face Cheryl who was already getting off the bed. She quickly jumped out too and came around in front of her.

"get out of my way I need to get dressed" she squeezed past and Toni shook her head.

"yeah fine whatever" she huffed and grabbed a shirt "I'm going out later" Toni pulled off her shirt form the night before and changes into the clean one.

"why?" Cheryl asked looking over at her curiously.

"the boys need my help with some music stuff, I won't be gone long" Toni lied with ease. She did not want to deal with Cheryl shouting at her at 6 in the morning because she was seeing a friend.

"fine" was all she said before she left the room, leaving only a cold bitterness in her place.

-

Toni had gone out later that day to go to kylies. It was nice to have someone to talk to about everything after what had happened the night before. They drank their beer and Toni talked about everything, Kylie simply just listened and comforted the girl when she cried. It felt good to Toni to get the tears out.

When Toni opened the door the house seemed quiet, it was around 7 by the time she had got home.

"babe?" she called out and walked around till she reached the kitchen where Cheryl was sat with her glass of wine and the almost empty bottle.

"where are the kids?" Toni asked, voice slightly uneasy.

"where were you?" Cheryl asked, eyes reaching Tonis.

"I was with the boys, where are the kids?" she asked again a little more serious this time.

"I put them to bed early" Cheryl didn't take her eyes off of Toni "you weren't with the boys, where were you" she asked again, Tonis throat clenched tightly shut.

"what's going on Cher.." toni walked a little closer but kept some distance.

"Toni Topaz makes another randevu with bandmate Kylie Danvers" Cheryl spoke, sarcasm and spite slick in her words.

"fine I went to see Kylie but it wasn't a randevu, it was a chat over a beer" Toni explained but she knew it was going to deaf ears.

"then why did you keep it a secret?!" her voice rose and Toni wasn't not excited for another night of this bickering.

"because I knew you'd act like this! That's why I didn't tell you because I knew you'd make up some story with it!" Toni shouted, anger already starting to build.

"you slept with her and had an affair, of course I'm gonna be pissed if you sneak out to be with her!" Cheryl got off her seat, eyes blazing.

"I didn't have an affair! You left me! If you didn't want me to go off with someone else then maybe you shouldn't of left because you couldn't deal wihh the stress of the fucking kids!" Toni snapped.

2 months before

Toni shut the door behind her as she entered the bedroom where Cheryl was already on the bed grinning.

" it's about time you got in here" she chewed her bottom lip a little, a smirk forming on her cherry lips.

"sorry I had to finish off-"

"just get in here" Cheryl gestured and Toni climbed onto the bed to be instantly attacked in kisses. Toni slid her hand into Cheryl's red locks and pulled her in closer as their kisses became heated quickly. Cheryl was already undoing her nightgown and threw it to the side.

"you're beautiful" Toni mumbled against her lips and pulled off her to admire.

"don't tease me, I've been waiting weeks for this" Cheryl tugged Toni back down and she obliged. Tonis lops reached Cheryl's neck and her hands slid down Cheryl's sides until they reached the edge of her underwear. "baby" she smiled in anticipation but Tonis hands moved no further at the sound of one of the kids starting to rustle around and whimper.

"i will go check, it's probably amelia again she hasnt been sleeping well" Toni pulled back but Cheryl grabbed her wrists.

"she has never slept well, she has to learn that we can't just come at her command" Cheryl leant up but Toni pulled back.

"she's our daughter, she needs our help and affection to help her sleep. We can't just leave her" Toni shook her head.

"oh for fucks sake Toni can't you just leave them for once like you always leave me. I just want one night with you uninterrupted but you always go to them!" Cheryl sat up annoyance showing clearly.

"babe it's not their fault" Toni adjusted herself to be a little tidier.

"yes it is, jesus Toni you let them off with so much. I haven't had a good sleep in ages it's driving me insane, they're always wanting one thing or another and they always want you"

Toni couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Cheryl they're our kids, when we took them in we made that decision to give that sacrifice, believe me I'm tired and begging for a good night too and I miss our intimate moments but I love the kids and I'd give up everything for them"

"you would give up me for them?" Cheryl asked, Toni wasn't sure if it was a serious question.

"there should never have to be that option, we are a family" Toni went towards the door.

"I can't take it anymore Toni, I can't, I can't take them. It's too much and I just want you and I'm so tired of this" Toni stopped at the door

"what are you saying Cheryl?" Toni asked horrified of the answer.

"I gotta get away, I can't be their mother, I cant be with them, you're away all the time for work and I can't be with them all the time I'm losing my mind. Come with me Toni" Cheryl begged and Toni just stood there dumbfounded.

"Cheryl I'm not leaving my kids. They're my world, you can't just abandon them because shit gets hard, Its hard for me too but I gotta get through it for them"

"I can't do this" Cheryl shook her head tears welling up "I can't look after them, it's too much"

Toni just stood there still.

"I'm going to amelia now, if you stay we can talk about this and work through this as a family. If you walk out that door though we are over. I'm not going to pick between my own kids and my wife" Toni left the bedroom and went to the twins bedroom to find Amelia awake sniffling in her bed.

"hey I got you, mums right here" she pressed a kiss on Amelias forehead.

"mummy I had a nightmare" Toni sat at the edge of Amelias bed and wiped away her tears.

"nightmares can't hurt you Amelia, nothing will hurt you. Because mummy loves you and she won't ever let anyone hurt you. She will be there for you whenever you need. Just call out and I will be there"

Amelia smiled softly and pulled her duvet up.

"can I have the small nightlight on?" she asked quietly.

"of course sweetie" Toni went and turned it on, the small glow showing to the side of her bed.

"I love you mummy" she whispered.

"I love you too sweetie" Toni waited till Amelias eyes closed and Toni look out a quiet sigh. She didn't leave the room for the next 30 minutes, making a sure her little girl was asleep and not restless anymore. She finally got out the room and went to her bedroom. When she swung the door open the bedroom was empty. Her heart stopped. She stumbled to the bed where a small bit of paper was.

'im sorry Toni but I can't take it anymore, it's just too much. I love you and hope one day you will see my way'

Toni dropped to her knees, all the emotion driving through her body. Every part of her suffering but mostly her heart which shattered at the note. She grabbed a pillow and curled up holding it to her face to cry and scream into so her pain was muffled. She didn't want to wake or worry the kids. So she held it there until she felt like she might pass out. Her vision blurry and head spinning she grabbed her phone and just clicked the first person who came up for her contacts.

"Toni? What brings you to call me at this hour?" the honey sweet voice came through the phone and Toni struggled to find air to speak. "Toni?" this time her voice was a little more worried.

"she-she-..." but Toni couldn't get anything else out without crying into the pillow.

"right Toni I'm coming over straight away, I'm about 15 minutes from your place, I'm coming right now" Kylie spoke frantically down her phone and Toni could hear rushing footsteps.

"I'm coming, it's gonna be OK, I'm coming for you. Just stay where you are, it's gonna be alright" Kylie tries to reassure "I'm gonna hang up but I will be there as soon as possible. Just stay where you are Toni" she hung up and Toni stayed bent over curled up on the floor tears streaming.

Around 15-20minutes later the bedroom door opened and footsteps head in. She felt the presence kneel beside her and wrap her arms around her body. Toni sat up a little and collapsed into Kylies arms.

"I've got you Toni... I've got you" she whispered soothingly in her ear. "let's get you into bed" Kylie helped her to her feet and took her back to the bed and slid her under the duvet, Kylie getting under after. Toni shuffled up close and rested her head on Kylies chest, the tears running out and instead the broken silence falling. Kylie slowly ran her fingers through the pink haired girls hair, being gentle with her touch until she fell asleep exhausted. Kylie fell asleep not long after, not letting Toni go.

When they had woke early morning Toni had just laid in Kylies arms for ages, not a word spoken. But eventually Toni explained everything to Kylie.

"Toni... Its gonna be tough... Honestly it's not gonna be easy but I promise you things will be better in the end" The blonde spoke quietly, still in shock over what Toni had told her.

"I'm just more worried about the kids, they can't know their mum just up and left them. They will be devastated. What am I gonna do?" Toni looked up at Kylie, the spark in her eyes lost.

"you know what you're gonna do? You're going to keep being the amazing mum you are, you're gonna continue to show your love and affection for the kids because that's what they need. But you're also going to look after yourself, you're going to do what you need to to be OK. And I'm gonna be there for you, I'm going to hold your hand and be there for you whenever you need me. If it's every night then so be it, I'm gonna be there. Not only for you but the kids too. I can drive them anywhere they need, support them, be there for them. I won't leave you to go through this alone"

Kylies words had made Tonis heart clench a little, that little bit of life shot back into her.

They had got up early as the kids had school. Toni sat on her stool sipping her coffee on the island in the centre of the kitchen.

They heard little footsteps come into the kitchen, the sight of three tired kids.

"morning kiddos" Toni smiled a little and took another sip of her drink.

"morning mummy, and Kylie?" Daniel said questioning the end.

"morning you lot, mum wasn't feeling well so I came over to look after her but she's feeling much better now" Kylie lied easily, a big beaming smile on her face. "now how does waffles sound for breakfast?" she wiggled her brows.

"with syrup and whipped cream and delicious toppings?" Thomas gasped.

"mmm I think your mum might just allow that, but I have to make the waffles first so you lot go get dressed whilst I start it" Kylie grinned.

"mum can Kylie be here every morning?" Amelia giggled before the kids ran off to get dressed. Kylie started to make the waffles and Toni just smiled softly to herself.

"you're totally gonna spoil them all the time aren't you?" she asked in a playful tone, feeling a lot better than she had earlier in the morning.

"oh definetly" Kylie nodded in agreement "do you want waffles with syrup and whipped cream and delicious toppings?" Kylie teased.

"it's better than the usual toast I make them every morning" Toni admitted.

The kids came back a little later, Kylie had the waffles on the plates and placed the toppings to the side.

"now make sure you leaving some topping for your mother" Kylie informed them as they went wild then brought their plates to the island and sat up starting to eat. Kylie put a plate in front of Toni and herself.

"thanks, this looks great" Toni smiled softly.

"why isnt mummy up yet?" Thomas asked and Toni's heart just stopped.

"mummy isn't here..." Toni struggled to keep the tears in. She had to be strong, she had to be strong for the kids. She couldn't let her pain show or they'd know.

"where is she?" amelia asked. Toni didn't feel like she could do it. She felt herself crumbling but a supportive hand slipped on top of hers and gave it a light squeeze. My breathing became regulated again and I was able to take a long steady breath.

"mummy's gone on a work trip so she's gonna be gone for awhile, but I'm gonna be here" Toni informed them. We'll lied to them.

"and so am I" Kylie added "whatever you guys need, I'm right here"

Toni glared at Cheryl as she just stood silently.

"I was going through stuff" Cheryl excused herself but Toni had been done with it.

"no! You gave up! You left us because you couldn't handle being a mother so you threw the kids away!" Toni shouted.

"it didn't give you the right to sleep with another woman!" Cheryl shouted back.

"you left me broken and alone! You didn't contact me you just left me to an empty bed! She was there for me! She looked after me and loved me! She took care of the kids! She helped Daniel with his drumming, Thomas wihh his homework, Amelia with her dancing and with her struggles at school! She was there and you were gone! " Toni shouted.

"but you were mine!"

"don't you turn this on me! You left me. When you came back you made me think I was wrong! But I wasn't! I moved on with someone who could be there for me and the kids!"

"well if she's so fucking perfect maybe you should've stayed with her you selfish bitch!" Toni only moved just in time to dodge the wine glass that was thrown at her.

"jesus christ Cheryl stop!" Toni shouted, eyes wide.

"you fucked her and you were mine!" toni watched her pick up the bottle.

"Cheryl don't throw that-" Toni dodged the object and it smashed against the ground

"calm down Cheryl!" Toni went over to her to try and hold her and clam her but Cheryl's fist clenched and attacked Toni's chest and shoulders, a couple reaching her face.

"You had to go off with her and then Veronica!" Toni turned her body protectively and felt the attacks hit her back instead. Repeatedly sending the hits. Toni looked up and horror hit her.

At the end of the kitchen The kids were standing there, horrified at the sight.

" Cheryl stop the kids are there!" Toni shouted but the hits didn't stop until Toni was able to break away and stumble back.

"get out Toni!" she shouted, tears streaming.

"I'm taking the kids with me and leaving" Toni went to her kids and they all held onto her, crying into her.

"no you're not, the twins are under my name, they're my children you can't take them" Cheryl wiped her eyes shaking her head.

"I'm not just taking Daniel, they aren't safe with you right now" Toni argued.

"mum I will look after them" Daniel promised.

Toni reluctantly agreed, she knew she couldn't take the kids but she also couldn't just take Daniel.,

"I will be back tomorrow OK?" Toni gave her kids a tight hug and whispered to Daniel "take them to your room and don't come out, I will be back when I can" she stood up and rushed her way out the house and to her motorbike. She drove it down the streets, tears streaming down her cheeks as she drove and pulled up at a house. She got off her bike and slowly made her way up to the door, knocking weakly and waiting for an answer. The door opened and Toni looked up at them and finally everything in her head made sense. Her thoughts, feelings, choices. She knew what she wanted and had to do.