'Cause I don't know

The perfect road to go down

But I knowI'm trying my best

I'm trying my best to be okay

I'm trying my best but every day it's so hard

~~~

Brendon woke up, surprisingly at ease. He wasn't aching as much anymore and his fever was gone. He looked around the room, slightly upset that he was alone. He grabbed his phone to check the time.

"Spencer should be home." As if on cue, Spencer came in with a bowl in hand.

"You're finally up. Good timing. I just heated up some soup." Brendon sat up and gratefully took the bowl. His appetite was coming back so he was starving. "Oh by the way, Ryan is waiting out in the living room." Brendon jerked, spilling some of the soup on the sheets.

"What?" The memory of Ryan coming before he blacked out popped into his head.

"Fuck," he let out.

"Well I gotta head out, but talk to him when you're ready." When Spencer turned to leave, Brendon reached out and grabbed the back of his shirt.

"Wait Spence."

"You'll be fine," Spencer said with a reassuring smile. "Just come out when you're ready. Take your time." When Brendon let go, Spencer left him alone in the room. He sat in the bed nursing his bowl of soup, not able to finish it all before it got cold.

He waited another ten minutes before he could calm his nerves enough to climb out of bed. He stumbled a little, using the wall to balance himself. He stood for a moment with his eyes shut until the room stopped spinning.

Steadily, he made his way into the hall, one hand on the wall just in case. When he got to the living room, he saw Ryan sitting on the couch, hunched forward, elbows on his knees. His hands were clasped together, pressed against his bottom lip while his eyes were trained on something in front of him.

"Hey Ryan," Brendon spoke softly. As if snapped out of a trance, Ryan jerked his head up at the voice. His eyes went wide and he jumped to his feet. Brendon wanted to chuckle at how nervous Ryan was compared to his calm behavior.

"H-hey, Bren...don. Brendon," Ryan said in a shaky voice. When neither spoke, Ryan looked away and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Spencer told me I could wait here until you came out."

"What are you doing here?" Brendon felt guilty at how aggressive his tone was. He was curious as to what brought Ryan back.

"I heard you were sick. I wanted to see if you were okay."

"Oh yeah. I'm alright. Just the flu." Ryan nodded but he couldn't stop the way his eyes scanned Brendon looking for any cues of his condition. Brendon let out a tired sigh. He could almost feel how much more anxious Ryan was now that he knew. "I'm fine. Really." Ryan nodded again and looked away. "Is that all you needed then?" There was a hint of hope in his voice.

"Yeah. Um.. yeah," Ryan looked around the room, as if the words he should say were floating around him, but of course that wasn't the case. He sighed and glanced over at Brendon. "T-that's all," he said in a more professional tone. A small voice in his head was screaming at him to stop lying, but he couldn't say what he really wanted.

"Oh," Brendon mouthed, ignoring the pain in his chest. What did he expect? Nothing's changed. "Okay." Ryan nodded and stood with his eyes down to the floor. The pair said nothing and only stood there. After a minute, Ryan looked up at Brendon.

"I should," he jerked a thumb at the front door. "I should get going then."

"Right," Brendon replied with a fake smile. "Thanks for checking up on me."

"Yeah," Ryan whispered. He stood a little longer before slowly heading to the door. "Bye then." Brendon stayed in his spot, watching as Ryan left. Before walking out, Ryan looked back and opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind and nodded in goodbye instead.

Brendon leaned against the wall to support his aching body once the door closed. That was his chance he repeated to himself. That was his chance and he let it get away. He turned to head back to his room when there was a knock on the door. He looked at the entrance confused until there was another quick, desperate knock. He moved to the door, slowly pulling it open.

"I lied," Ryan rushed out before the door was even fully opened. Brendon didn't even have a chance to feel relieved at seeing Ryan back.

"What?"

"I want to talk about what happened." Brendon stood shocked for a moment before moving aside to let Ryan back in. The two made their way to the couch. They didn't say anything as they sat on opposite ends of the couch. Brendon watched Ryan bouncing his knees like crazy, waiting for him to say something.

"I miss you," the man started off. Brendon didn't react, too shocked to do or say anything. He honestly didn't think he'd hear those words after all he'd done. "And I want to be with you." There was a small crack at the end of Ryan's voice. Brendon realized that the man wasn't looking at him and it made him want to look into Ryan's eyes more. "But it's hard to do that when I know you're gonna leave me."

"Ryan," Brendon started in a soft voice.

"Please reconsider," Ryan cut him off. Brendon bit his lip, hoping the pain would distract him enough so he wouldn't cry. "Please," he begged. Ryan finally looked up, revealing a stream of tears sliding down his cheeks. Brendon looked away, not being able to handle how much he was hurting the other.

"I can't," Brendon whispered. Ryan moved forward and took Brendon's hands in his own.

"We can be together again. Please. I need you." Brendon squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "I'll be there every step of the way and we can be happy together." Brendon let out a little sob when he felt Ryan kiss their joined hands. "Please, Bren."

"Why can't you accept my decision?" Brendon let out in a soft voice.

"Why? Because I love you," Ryan said as if it were obvious. Brendon knew that. How could he not, but that fact only made this all the more painful. "I. Love. You," Ryan repeated more slowly. "Is it so bad that I don't want to lose the man I'm in love with?" Brendon shook his head again. He couldn't say anything. No matter the words, it would only hurt. This wasn't fair. They were both in so much pain and it was all his fault.

"This isn't fair Ryan. You can't ask me to change my mind after this long."

"But why," Ryan let out weakly. "Why are you just giving up on everything? Giving up on us." Brendon tried to pull his hands out of Ryan's but the man's grip was too strong. "Did the time we spent together mean nothing to you?"

"Let go," Brendon cried.

"Was I just some way to pass the time?" Brendon kept trying to jerk away.

"Please stop," he begged.

"I need to know Brendon."

"I can't live like this anymore!" Brendon stopped struggling and slumped forward onto Ryan and broke down crying. "I can't keep going on feeling this empty. I feel like I've already died." Ryan cautiously wrapped his arms around the other.

"I don't understand."

"I spent my whole life working my ass off, training hours on end for the chance to live my dream just for it to be ripped away so easily. Now, I can't even play how I want." Ryan froze, starting to understand. "I scarified everything to be a musician. I almost got disowned by my parents because I refused their request to work toward a secure job behind a desk. It took years to get their approval for an unstable career. Every paycheck I earned when to lessons, instruments, studio time."

"Brendon, I.."

"I lost the little friends I had. I was the weird music kid. I didn't go to parties or gatherings because that was practice time I'd be wasting. All my energy went to my music. The only person who dealt with me was Spencer. He supported me and helped me to stay on track with my dream. He helped me from going completely insane," Brendon chuckled softly.

"There was nothing else I wanted in my life. I wish, prayed and hoped that someone would give me a chance. And I almost made it too. I was so close... And now," Brendon cut off and let out a heavy sigh. "It's like there's this big part of me that's just gone and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it back." Ryan bit his lip trying to figure out what to say.

"I'm sorry," Brendon said as he pulled away. He let out a pained laugh and wiped away his tears.

"Why?" Brendon gave a small smile, eyes glistening with fresh tears.

"It was selfish of me to want to be with you."

"That's not tr-"

"It is. It was unfair but I couldn't help myself. I was consumed by the way you treated me even when we barely met. You weren't hesitant or cautious. It was almost like before all this happened. Spencer accepted me, sure, but I could feel him watching at me like I was a high risk patient. But you.. God! You," Brendon bit his lip before letting out a heavy sigh. "You were a breath of fresh air."

Brendon leaned back on the couch and shut his eyes. He wanted to lay in bed and sleep all this constant exhaustion away. He could just fall asleep and not wake up. Ryan must've noticed because Brendon felt himself get lifted into a princess hold. The careful movement was enough to keep Brendon away.

"I'm sorry." Brendon whispered as he buried his face in Ryan's neck. "I'm so sorry." He continued to apologize as he softly wept. Ryan carried his love slowly to his room.

"Shh. It's okay," Ryan whispered and kissed the side of his head. Brendon shook his head. It wasn't okay. Both of them knew it wasn't okay.

"I'm sorry," Brendon kept repeating. Ryan laid him down on the bed once they got to the room. He climbed in beside him and pulled him close. Brendon sniffed and looked up at Ryan.

"Why are you doing this?" Ryan reached up and swiped his thumb over Brendon's cheek, smearing the man's tears.

"I don't want to fight with you anymore."

"What?"

"I can't change you mind." Brendon shook his head. "Then I want to spend as much time with you as I can." Brendon opened his mouth to say something but Ryan leaned forward and connected their lips, effectively silencing the man. When they pulled away, their faces lingered close to each other. "You can't change my mind about this."

Brendon reluctantly nodded and pressed his face into the other's chest. Ryan gladly wrapped his arms around the frail figure, wanting to protect him from anything that darned try to hurt him. He didn't know how much time had passed, but he was sure it was dark outside and didn't know if Spencer was back or not.

A part of him was nervous for the next time he would see Jon. The man was sure to give him an earful for getting back together with Brendon. The lecture would be worth it though. He'd do anything for only a few more minutes with Brendon.

"Ryan," Ryan looked down surprised. He thought Brendon fell asleep a while ago.

"Yeah babe?" He waited for Brendon to continue. The man laid motionless against his chest for a few moments more before he took a deep breath.

"I love you too," he spoke in a voice so soft that if they were any further apart, Ryan wouldn't have heard him. Before he replied, Brendon spoke again. I really missed you. I didn't think I'd miss you as much as I did but I was wrong. It hurt me to think about all the trouble I put you through. I'm really sorry."

"You don-"

"I'm sorry," Brendon repeated. "Thank you for being with me. I love you so much." Ryan's heart skipped a beat at the confession. He didn't know how to respond. No words could convey how he was feeling. Instead, he tightened his hold on Brendon and kissed the top of his head.

"Rest now, love. We'll talk more when you're feeling better." Brendon knew he'd finally be able to get some peace while he was wrapped in Ryan's arms. He nodded and let his exhaustion pull him to sleep.