So I spend all my nights in the dark and afraid

'Cause I've tried to forget you but these things just don't go awayI hate that you're perfect, perfect for me

If I didn't know better, then I would believe

We were made for each other, but I'd know the truth

You're no good for me, I'm no good for you

~~~

"Brendon, maybe it's time to --"

"No," Brendon interrupted. He knew what his friend would suggest. It was the same thing as the past three days.

"C'mon Bren," Spencer pleaded. Brendon shook his head and sat up to face his friend. He tried to keep himself from wincing as his head continued to pound against his skull. He need the man to know that he didn't have to worry about him. "If you don't go to the hospital, you'll only get worse."

Brendon shrugged. He didn't care. Sure he was miserable from the cold sweats, inability to eat without vomiting and restless nights but he was sure it would go away soon. Well he hoped it would at least.

"You fever isn't going away. It should have gone down at least a little by now." Brendon wanted to roll his eyes. He'd only have a fever a couple days. The past week was just lots of minor flu symptoms. He'd been feeling weaker and more tired but he didn't really care. He was just riding through the storm waiting for the clouds to clear.

"I'm fine." Spencer huffed and crossed his arms in annoyance.

"How can I leave you like this?"

"I'm fine," Brendon insisted. Spencer sighed, not believing a word from the pale man struggling just to keep his body upright. "Just go to work. It's not like I'm gonna run away or anything. I'll be here when you get back." Spencer was still skeptical. Even being sick, Spencer knew Brendon hadn't been doing good since Ryan left. "Now go or I'll throw up on you," he mumbled.

"If you do that I'll definitely be late." Spencer didn't see the pillow Brendon threw at him until it was too late. Brendon let out a weak chuckled when the pillow his hit friend square in the face.

"Now go." Spencer pouted as he put on a sweater.

"Who said I wanted to stay for you. Maybe I wanted to play hooky and use you as an excuse," he let out in a mopey voice. "But that's fine. I know when I'm not wanted." Brendon rolled his eyes at the sarcasm. "I'll see you later, B." He nodded, waiting to hear the door close.

When it did, he plopped his body back onto the bed and groaned into his pillow. He didn't want Spencer to know that he felt like absolute shit. There was no way Spencer would've left if he knew that Brendon was feeling even worse. He didn't want to make his friend worry anymore.

He flipped to his side and grabbed his phone. There was another ache in his chest when he didn't see any messages. He hadn't gotten one call or text since that night. He knew he was the one who screwed up, but he had his reasons. His eyes moved over his locked screen. It was torture to look at it but he couldn't bring himself to change it.

He remembered the night he took the picture so well. Ryan, Spencer and him had just gotten out of a movie and went to eat dinner. Brendon had gone to the bathroom and when he was going back to the table, he saw Ryan laughing at something Spencer told him. Brendon took a picture of Ryan. He adored the way Ryan looked so carefree and happy. He was in the middle of a laugh, mouth wide in a genuine smile, teeth showing. His eyes were squeezed shut and his body was leaning slightly forward over the table.

It seemed like strange photo to have but Brendon was overjoyed to have captured a moment of pure bliss from his boyfriend. Looking back, it seemed the days like that were so long ago. It didn't look like they'd be having any more days like that either. It was probably for the best considering his situation. That didn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell.

The screen turned off, showing nothing but Brendon's reflection. He didn't realize how badly his eyes were watering and his bottom lip trembled. A breathy sob left his lips, causing a string of rough coughs. He clutched his throat willing the burning to stop. He wheezed out a couple breaths when the coughs stopped, a wave of exhaustion washing over his body.

"Fuck," he sighed. He struggled to pull himself into a seated position, grunting as his head complained from the movement. He slumped his body against the headboard, reveling at the cool surface on his damp back. He reached out to the nightstand to grab the gatorade Spencer left for him. He struggled to twist off the cap, his arm shaking from the energy he was exerting from the simple task.

He let out a heavy sigh when the orange lid finally complied with his efforts. He used both hands to steady the bottle as he brought it to his lips. He felt his body relax as the liquid soothed the dryness of his throat. He set the bottle back on the nightstand, almost knocking it over in the process. He leaned his head back, letting his eyes fall closed.

He frowned when he saw Ryan, clear as day. This was just a part of his punishment, seeing his ex every time he shut his eyes. He was lucky it was only an image. The nights he couldn't have empty dreams were replaced by the last time he saw Ryan played on a continuous loop, each time cutting and twisting into his gut to ensure pain. He felt like a teenager going through their first breakup, wishing he would die so the pain would stop already.

His eyes snapped open when his phone let out a soft ding. He moved too quickly for his own sake. His tired body screamed for him to just stop and lay down already. He grabbed his phone and lit up the screen. His hopes sunk low when he saw his only notification being a text from Spencer.

Don is letting me off an hour early so I'll pick you up something to eat on my way home

Make sure to drink your gatorade and I left some cough medicine on the dresser so take some of it

Brendon put the phone aside, not bothering to reply. He laid back down and brought the sheets up to his neck. His body felt like it was on fire but it was something else that he could distract himself with and for that he was grateful.

He shut his eyes and focused on trying to keep his heavy breaths even. He couldn't breathe from his nose, so his throat was only drying up more and more with every hot inhale he did. He prayed for a dreamless sleep for some kind of relief.