And I'll even have the courtesy

Of admitting I was wrong

As the final words before I'm dead and gone

~~~

Brendon was sitting on his bed, legs pulled to his chest and arms crossed over his knees. He'd been in that position since Ryan left for work an hour ago. He didn't move when the front door opened.

"Hey, I'm home. You decent?" Spencer shouted down the hall. When Brendon didn't answer, he moved to his friend's room. "Brendon?" After looking in, he went into protective mode and rushed to the man's side. "What happened?" Brendon lifted his head and looked over at Spencer, eyes glossed over with thought. "B?" He let out a sigh and turned his eyes back to his bed.

"Ryan and I had sex," he let out casually. Spencer breathed in relief and let out a chuckle.

"I figured after not see each other for three days. That's why I wanted to leave so quickly. I didn't want to risk seeing or hearing something. That's why I didn't come back till now." Brendon squeezed his eyes shut and mumbled into his arm. Spencer leaned closer to hoping it would help him understand what he said. "What?"

"It was our first time," Brendon said in a softer voice. Spencer's eyes widened and his mouth dropped.

"But you've been together for months."

"Yeah."

"And you barely had sex?"

"Yeah."

"You're not messing with me, are you?"

"I'm not." Brendon's face started reddening as he continued to hear the shocked tone from his friend.

"But you've never gotten this far in a relationship without some kind of sexual contact."

"We just haven't thought about that. We've been busy getting to know each other whenever he's not working." Spencer leaned back on the headboard, speechless at the confession. It took a moment for him to clear his thoughts.

"So what's the problem? You've had sex with strangers before. What's so different about Ryan? Was he bad?" Brendon scoffed at the question.

"He was amazing. He was.. he's probably the best I ever had. He even has a big di-"

"Okay! I don't need to know anymore," Spencer interrupted. Brendon chuckled, purposely wanting to get that reaction. "So what's bringing you down?" Brendon shut his eyes again and took a deep breath.

"He told me he loved me," he whispered. Spencer gave no reaction, wanting to make sure his response wasn't the wrong one.

"What did you tell him?" Brendon shook his head, confusing Spencer.

"I didn't tell him anything. We had just... finished and then I closed my eyes to sleep. He held me and said it before going to sleep. I pretended to be asleep because I didn't know what to say. I kinda panicked." Spencer nodded.

"How did you want to respond?" Brendon buried his face in his arms. He repeated the question in his head again and again, sorting through his thoughts and emotions. If he could redo last night, what would he have said? He slid his hands into his hair, gripping tightly at his roots.

"Fuck," he sighed. "Spence."

"Yeah, bud?" Brendon could feel a dull ache sitting on his chest.

"I need to tell him."

~~~

Ryan was in his office, sitting at his computer. He was basking with joy since he left Brendon's and now buzzing with excitement since he noticed an email from Spencer. There were only three files with 'Sorry I could only find these. I'll have to find the flash drive with the other recordings' as the message. It could've been some short, crappy quality video and Ryan would still appreciate it.

He opened the first video, a screen of a small cafe stage appearing. His heart skipped a beat when a man in a white uniform shirt with black jeans stepped in front of the mic with his guitar, his man. Even through the screen, Ryan could sense the difference between the old Brendon and his Brendon. His smile was more genuine, even to complete strangers. The crowd quieted as he started strumming his guitar, lyrics quickly following.

"Allow me to exaggerate a memory or two do do do do do do do," Brendon sang. He moved freely with the song, having fun as he played. It was obvious how much he enjoyed being up there, a natural performer. Ryan found himself captivated by Brendon's voice. When Spencer said he had a nice voice, he didn't expect to be entranced by the sound so easily.

"When nothing really mattered expect for me to be with you but in time we all forgotten we all grew." Ryan's eyes managed to pull away from Brendon, moving over the crowd. Some people he could see their faces, wide smiles, eyes sparkling as they watched.

People swayed to the melody. Ryan chuckled as he saw who he assumed to be another worker with a tamborine in the corner, playing to the beat of the song. There was no question about it, Brendon had everyone's undivided attention in the short time he'd stepped onto that stage. He had a gift that would've flourished in the right environment. It pained Ryan to think how this opportunity was ruined for the man now.

He looked up when there was a knock on the door. A nurse stood with a folder in his hands. He gave an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, Dr. Ross. Did I interrupt?" Ryan shook his head and motioned for him to come in.

"How can I help you?"

"Dr. Walker wanted me to give him the updated file for one of his patients, but we always seem to miss each other. I thought you would have better luck giving it to him." Ryan stood up and took the folder from the man's extended hand.

"I can do that no problem."

"Thank you." Ryan nodded as he left. He sat back down, reading the name in the corner of the folder. His interest peaked as he recognized the name to be his boyfriend's. He looked up at the door, making sure no one was there. He set the file on his desk, debating whether or not to give into temptation.

Jon said that Brendon was perfectly fine, so what was the harm in taking a little peak? Thought it did go against the patient's right to keep this confidential. But that was his boyfriend and Brendon would've told him if something was really wrong anyway. Having that peace of mind would allow him to not hover over Brendon anytime the man simply coughed though.

In the end, Ryan's curiosity got the better of him and he flipped the file open. His eyes moved over the page, taking in all the information. His smile slowly dropped, a frown coming into place. He gripped the paper and brought it closer to his face, making sure he was reading things correctly.

His chest tightened, making it difficult to breath. He squeezed his eyes shut and blinked them back open. Surely, he was seeing things, right? But no... He read it over several times, each time only getting a knife slowly twisted into his gut. There was no denying it.

A burst of anger took over every ounce of happiness he'd accumulated the past night with Brendon. There was no sound that he could hear. Nothing but his computer still playing the video Spencer sent him. Everything felt different now as Brendon's voice was the only thing in his head.

"If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep then I'm putting out the lantern find your own way back home."