Brendon couldn't help how much he was fidgeting in his seat. He had an unconscious feeling that people knew he didn't belong there. He belonged in the dishroom at a restaurant like this. He stabbed into his fish, flinching when he scrapped the china plate.

"Was this place too much?" Brendon looked up in surprise, almost like he completely forgot he was a date. Ryan looked like he fit right in. He was wearing just a regular looking navy blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, but Brendon was certain it wasn't cheap. He looked down at his small portioned meal, knowing it would cost much more than he was comfortable with.

"No, it's fine," he lied. He really wanted this date to go well. Ryan frowned and waved the waiter over. Brendon felt his stomach knotting up. He was ruining things and they just got their food.

"Is there a problem, sir?" Brendon was going to speak up, insisting that they didn't have to leave. When he looked up, he noticed Ryan watching him intently. He wasn't even looking at the waiter, his main focus being the man sitting across from him.

"No, no. We just have to leave. Could I get the check?"

"Of course." From the corner of his eye, Brendon could see an older couple looking their way. Their piercing eyes tore into the side of his head, telling him he shouldn't be here, especially with someone like Ryan. He was really out of his element here the people living in high society.

"Hey." Ryan reached over and placed his hand over Brendon's. That one touch was enough to distraction Brendon from his thoughts. Ryan was quick to pay the bill and dragged Brendon out of the restaurant.

When they got into the car, it was almost an unbearable silence that was eating Brendon up. He would give Ryan occasional side glances, slightly curious as to why the man kept whipping his head between the road and streets they were passing.

"Sorry. I guess I didn't think how that place would make you uncomfortable," Ryan apologized, shooting the other a small quick smile. Brendon shook his head quickly.

"No, it's okay. I've just never gone to a place like that. All the dates I've gone to were never more than like Applebees, so I guess I was just overwhelmed." Ryan slowed down to read a street sign more clearly.

"To be honest, I don't really go on dates anymore. I just meet people at bars and that's it." Brendon turned to what Ryan was focusing on.

"What are you," he started until Ryan cut him off.

"There!" He spun the wheel, jerking the car into a parking lot. Unprepared, Brendon's body leaned over the center console from the force of the turn. "Sorry," Ryan chuckled when Brendon straightened back up. Looking out the window, Brendon saw a taco truck not far from them. He looked back at Ryan with a confused smile.

"What are we doing here?" Ryan put the car in park and turned off the ignition.

"You have to try the tacos here. They're the best in town." Brendon worked to keep his smile contained. With a sigh, he dropped his smile and shrugged.

"I don't know. The place by my apartment is really good. I don't think this place can top them." Ryan stepped out of the car and rounded the front to open Brendon's door.

"Then prepare yourself," he grinned.

Not long after, Ryan was parked on a small hill overlooking a lake. The pair were sitting on the hood of Ryan's car, a styrofoam container holding fifteen tacos to ensure they wouldn't run out. Two large cups of horchata were balanced between them.

"There's no way you used to eat the lime for fun," Brendon laughed. Ryan shrugged and swallowed a bite from his taco.

"It wasn't for fun. Jon would bet me that I couldn't eat lime without making a face. Once I mastered not doing the sour face, I didn't mind eating them by themselves." Brendon held up one of his lime slices.

"Show me. I don't believe you." Ryan took the slice and smirked.

"And what do I get when I do it? What's in it for me?" Brendon picked up his drink. He took a quick sip and let the straw linger in the side of his mouth.

"I'd say five bucks, but I don't think that amount is very tempting to a doctor." Ryan chuckled softly down at his lap before shaking his head.

"I don't think I could even take money from you."

"Then what could I offer if you prove yourself?" Ryan faced forward with smirk as he took a bite from a new taco.

"Hmm," he let out dramatically, already knowing his response. Brendon softly chewed the end of his straw, eyeing Ryan with a smile.

"Go on. Let me hear it, Dr. Ross." Ryan swallowed and turned back to Brendon.

"How 'bout a kiss?" Brendon rolled his eyes, chuckling.

"Then you have to have three slices without reacting at all." Ryan grabbed two more slices to go with the one he was handed earlier.

"Deal." Brendon brought one leg up on the hood as he turned his whole body to completely face Ryan. The man had on a cocky smile, sliding the first slice into his mouth

Brendon rose his eyebrows, impressed when Ryan pulled the clean skin out of his mouth unaffected by the citrus. He dropped the peel into his foam tray and moved to the next slice. Repeating himself, the clean peel joined the first. Brendon scrunched his nose with a smile and shook his head, knowing he was going to lose. After Ryan finished the third slice, his body gave an involuntary shudder. Brendon pointed an accusing finger and laughed.

"That counts!" Ryan gave a quick frown that was replaced with a defeated smile. He threw the final peel into the tray and pouted.

"It's been a while. Guess I'm not so used to it anymore," he finished with a shrug.

"That was impressive though. Don't know anyone who can do that. But you still lost." Ryan nodded in agreement.

"Do my two limes get me anything?" Ryan asked hopefully. Brendon thought for a second.

"Close your eyes." Ryan rose an eyebrow in question. "Just do it." The man complied, long eyelashes brushing over his cheeks. Brendon straightened his back and let his eyes move over Ryan's features.

He was undeniably handsome. It almost pained Brendon to know that no one took the opportunity to snatch him up. With a soft sigh, he leaned in, lips hovering just over Ryan's. He hesitated to move forward any more. Taking initiative, Ryan closed the gap, pressing their lips softly together.

A quick noise sounded in Brendon's throat before closing his eyes and pressing back more surely. The kiss wasn't long, no longer than five seconds. Nothing shouldn't been special about it, but when they pulled away, Brendon's lips tingled wanting more. He couldn't help wanting more of Ryan's lips on his own.

"Sorry," Ryan whispered. "I could feel about close you were and couldn't help myself." Brendon sat back and clear his throat, hoping that the Ryan couldn't see his reddening cheeks.

"You should make it up to me if you're so sorry," he teased. He couldn't take his eyes off the other, wondering what made Ryan different from everyone else he'd been with.

"How about I take you out again. You can choose so I don't screw it up. Will you forgive me then?" Brendon bit his lip to keep from smiling to be at Ryan's big, puppy dog eyes staring at him.

"I'll consider it." Ryan smiled, making Brendon want to melt. The truth was undeniable now. He was in trouble and Spencer was going to be pissed.

---

A/N:

So, Carol came on while I was writing this chapter and I had to stop for a moment because I started crying. It sucks, everything going on in the fandom right now. But people are allowed their own opinions on the situation. That's their right. I just wanna bring this up because well it's suicide prevention month.

I guess here's a trigger warning in case you need it ❤️

2 years, 5 months

That's how much time would've passed if I had finally listened to my thoughts. I have been battling anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember and it only got worse when I got to college. I've always felt that I've only been living to be used by other people. It was hard for me to even feel anything most days. The main reason I did nothing despite the temptation was the thought of how inconvenient my passing would've been to everyone around me. I was just existing at that point of my life.

My sister was a fan of Panic before I was so I surprised her with some tickets to one of their shows for her birthday. I started listening to their music and immersed myself into the fandom. For the first time, I had found something that gave me just pure joy. I fell in love with music and (most of) the members, both pre and post split. I would watch Brendon's twitch and honestly was fine with being there for the final five minutes of his stream.

Mom got mad at me because she thinks that I shouldn't've based my happiness on another person, which is true. What I guess she didn't understand was that I hated myself and I needed help with trying to change that. It's almost like training wheels on a bike. I needed help first before I could try balancing on my own. I can't say I'm completely fine now, I still have bad days, but I can say that I'm doing a lot better than I was two years ago. I moved out of my parent's place which was really toxic. I don't completely hate my job. I discovered that writing actually makes me really really happy even if I'm not the best at it.

Whatever happens with this, what Panic and Brendon did for me won't change even if I do stop listening to them. I will continue to be grateful for the strength that the band has given me. So, this is for everyone: stans, antis, those who are indifferent, and those who aren't sure anymore...

I love you. I appreciate you. Thank you for existing. And always, remember how dope you are ❤️❤️

~Jay