I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

---

Brendon found himself wandering around the city with no real destination. He knew he'd been out for over an hour now, so Spencer must've guessed that he wasn't coming back for some time. He found an empty bus bench and sat down.

He took a heavy breath, feeling tired from the random walking. He slowly slipped into thoughts of Spencer, his parents, old friends and ex lovers. He thought back to each time he told someone he cared about that he had cancer. Each reacted so differently, he didn't know what to expect when he had to break the news to someone else.

When he told Spencer, the man didn't speak for what felt like hours. When he did, Brendon's heart broke for his friend.

~~~

"You can just do chemo and then you'll get better, right?" Brendon scratched gently on his arm.

"I'm refusing treatment." He couldn't work up the nerve to even meet his friend's eyes.

"What are you talking about? Of course you're getting treatment." There was a small amused chuckle underlining Spencer's voice as if he heard a lame joke. Brendon shook his head, digging his nails into his skin. "Brendon, you'll die if you don't get help!" Spencer snapped, his voice now dense with fear and disbelief. Brendon flinched at the tone.

He knew that. Of course he did, but that didn't change his mind.

"If I do go through chemo, I can still die."

"No! You don't just get to decide that because there's a chance you'll die. Without that, you'll definitely die. What's wrong with you?!" Brendon's vision blurred with tears. He hated how clear he could hear Spencer's pain.

"I don't want to suffer trying to get better and it not work. I wanna go on my terms."

"Stop talking like you're already gave up. C'mon, since when do you ever quit? You always fight till the end. You have to fight." Brendon shook his head again, tilting his head up to meet Spencer's eyes.

"Not this time, Spence." Spencer huffed out a weak laugh and looked away. He ran his hand over his mouth and turned back to Brendon.

"You better cut that shit out right now."

"This is what I want. I can't go through that. I won't."

"You're a dumbass if you think I won't drag your scrawny ass into a hospital make them pump medicine into you. I won't let you give up," Spencer yelled. Brendon could see how much his friend was shaking from a mixture of fear and rage. "I can't accept the fact that you want to do nothing. I can't -- No! I won't lose my best friend." Brendon couldn't hold back his tears anymore when Spencer's voice started to crack.

"What would I do if I didn't have you beside me at the club or out getting McDonald's at three in the morning?" Spencer's bottom lip quivered, causing his words to come out shaky. "Yo- you can't leave me. I won't let you. You ca-." The tears were spilling freely when Spencer's voice died off. The man looked down, sniffling and struggling to even his breath. When he looked up, his eyes were already turning red and puffy.

Spencer let out a shaky sigh before he collapsed to his knees in a sobbing mess. His hands kept reaching out for something to grab to keep him grounded. Brendon fell to the floor and pulled his friend into his arms. Spencer cried into his shoulder, hands gripping his shirt tightly, afraid Brendon would disappear if he let go.

"Y-you.. you can't l-leave, B," Spencer hiccuped. Brendon was speechless. Spencer was always so composed and in control in any situation. This was the first time he'd seen Spencer look so lost and he was the reason. He shut his eyes and silently cried for his friend into the late night hours.

It took some time, but Spencer came to terms with Brendon's decision and made sure to keep the rest of his life as stress free as possible, which was proven difficult with Brendon's reckless behavior. Spencer was the only one who supported Brendon's wishes.

When breaking the news to his parents, the only reaction Brendon got was an eery calmness. They didn't approve, but didn't physically show it. They set up a bank account for him and made sure he'd be able to live comfortably until the time came. Their only request being that he could not see or contact them in any way unless he was getting treatment.

Brendon was devastated, but he didn't change his mind. Other friends he made, his ex included, thought dealing with a dying man was too inconvenient and not worth their time. That left no one but Spencer beside him. Brendon loved Spencer and cherished their friendship. That didn't mean that losing almost all of his friends and family didn't devastate him.

~~~

He watched people passing by him, holding hands with their significant other, laughing with friends, talking on the phone. Everyone was living, moving through life, confident they will have a tomorrow and the next day and the next. They weren't worried about a limited number of days.

Brendon let out a laugh, earning a few weird looks his direction. It only made him laugh harder. He always went about his day like he was invincible. He never thought something like this would happen to him.

He was dying.

He continued to laugh at the thought. He wrapped an arm around his now aching stomach and brought his free hand up to cover his mouth. Tears sprang from his eyes, paired with a steady shaking of his body. His breath stuttered as his posture hunched forward, his tears thickened and sobs were choked down by his hand blocking his mouth. His smile vanished as a dull pain nestled comfortably on his chest.

Since he was given the news over a year ago, he was more concerned about how people would react, what they would do, who would stay with him. Yeah he was upset. Sure. Who wouldn't be? But he never fully let it settle in. He cried for his best friend, his parents, ex. He cried for everyone else in his life, but now...

Now, he was finally crying for himself.

His cries slowly died down, replaced with a simple tremor of his lips. He'd hurt so many people because of something he couldn't control. Right now, he was hurting himself, hurting his chances for survival. He couldn't live a normal life. If he wanted something with Ryan, it wouldn't last. He could end up hurting yet another person.

All this was running through his head and his mind was still set on no treatment. He was going to die. He wrapped both arms securely around himself, wishing it was enough to protect himself from everything that was killing him. He fixed his gaze on the cracked concrete in front of him, watching ants climbing in and out of the breaks.

An arm wrapped around him and pulled him close. He peaked up to see Spencer watching him carefully. He was surprised to see that the man found him this soon. He didn't even know where he was, but Spence had a talent for always being there when he needed him most.

"Spencer," Brendon whispered, new tears beginning to form. Spencer's arm tightened and rubbed up and down the other's arm.

"Yeah, buddy." Brendon looked down, seeing drops wetting the ground below him.

"I'm dying," he whimpered. He looked up, seeing Spencer's jaw clench and his blue eyes water. The man swallowed the lump in his throat.

"It'll be okay, Bren," he whispered in response as a couple tears fell. A hand hand up and brushed away a strand of hair covering Brendon's face. "I'll be right here with you."

"Promise?" Brendon needed him. He might be acting selfish, wanted the last person by his side to stick with him till he dies, but he was terrified and needed that comfort.

"I promise. I'm not going anywhere." Brendon shut his eyes and pressed against Spencer's chest. Neither moved from the bench.

Spencer only held Brendon while they both cried, not caring about the people sending them strange looks. They just sat and let out the pain they'd been holding in for too long.

---

A/N:

Hello everybody! I love this song and think it was one of the best matched for a chapter so far. I'm basically settled into my new apartment now and on my second week of (now online!) classes so I should be able to get a schedule going now! I updated the last Monday and this one, so I'll set that up as my update day, but since the story is already written so far in advance I'll probably do a random update from time to time when I'm bored or want to procrastinate. Anyways thanks for reading!! Love you vros ❤️❤️