《Wrecked》The girl next to the fire
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"I was on the way to Hawaii to go to my older sisters funeral." Jesse repeated himself, his words catching me off guard. I hadn't even seen him sitting by the fire.
After Jesse's confession the group had all drifted away to where they were going to spend the night.
I'd just come from the med area, where I'd treated Cara and Mason before the two of them drifted off to sleep as well.
There was almost a hushed silence hung in the air, the sound of waves crashing softly onto the shore sung together with the birds and rustles of the trees above us.
For a first time in forever there was no voices. Although I was surrounded by people I'd never felt more alone on that island and I couldn't help but pause to soak it all in.
I was making my way to the shore, preparing myself to sit and gaze up at the stars until it was my turn to take watch.
But that all changed when Jesse's voices interrupted me. He was sat on the ground, his back up against the stumps we had all been sat on just a hour ago. He held a stick that was poking into the fire.
This hair hung over his forehead and dry blood decorated his features but I just couldn't ignore his eyes. For the first time since I'd laid eyes on this boy he looked weak.
His eyes wouldn't met mine, but I could just feel it.
I couldn't stop my feet from moving to his side. I couldn't stop myself from sitting right next to him. I couldn't stop myself from brushing our shoulders right up against each others. I didn't want to stop myself, being close to him just came as second nature.
I did, however, stop myself from reaching out with any real sort of comforting gesture. My fingers itched to reach for his and lace them together, I ached to comfort him- to take away his pain. But I knew it wasn't going to be that easy.
I didn't even flinch as I planted next to him, not once wavering from his spot, his eyes fixated on the flickering flames.
We sat like that for a while, his eyes forward and mine on him. It stared just trying to identify what it was that had him looking so broken, but then I couldn't look away. I surveyed each line, each cut and spot of blood. My eyes traced over his furrowed brows, his hung mouth and his haunting eyes. I watched as his tongue ran over his lips, it did nothing for the splits and blood covering them.
But my eyes were now locked onto his hair, the curls that had fallen over his eyes. They danced in the wind, getting tangled with each other as they moved. I watched as a single curl, the same curl as always, fell over his eyes. The wind did nothing to brush it away and neither did Jesse. So this time I couldn't help myself from giving into my urges.
I slowly raised my hand before delicately brushing it back up and away from his forehead. This pushed back a large bunch of his hair from his face to reveal the stitches I had put there not too long ago.
Still, Jesse showed no signs of movement. Not even as my hand hesitated in his hair, pushing back more of it, hair that wasn't even in the way. Just because the sensation was something I longed to do whenever I was near him.
A small sigh escaped my lips when I had to drop my hand and before I could do so a swift movement on his behalf lead to his hand wrapped firmly around mine.
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He held my hand to his chest, his thumbing working over the back of it. This made my move my body sideways to face him, in order to compensated for the angle my arm was being held.
His right knee was propped up and my body was all but pressed right up against it as his grip on my hand only tightened.
Just from this simple move I could already feel his body releasing from it's tensed state. I could feel his breaths coming out easier, I could even feel his features soften up.
It was then that I knew my touch had the same soothing effect on him that he had on me. Whenever we just held onto each other it made all the unsteady bridges feel stable, made everything feel like it would be okay- because you weren't fighting this on your own.
"She was my older sister. But she'd always acted younger than me, I always had to look out for her." His voice was shaky, his chest raising as he realised a couple deep breaths.
"No, you don't have to tell me this- Jesse." My palm opened on his chest, clawing down slightly in a attempt to stop him from speaking. I could see how hard this was for him, could see the pool of tears that were gathering in his eyes "You don't owe me anything."
"You told me your story when you didn't even trust me." His fingers moved over mind to release my hold, clenching onto it with all his strength. His eyes may have been locked onto the flames but I could see the pain in them clear as day.
"I trusted you. I just didn't like you, or like the fact that I trusted you." I spoke honestly, which earn me a soft chuckle from him. It was true, no matter how much rage filled me when I was with him I had trusted him for a long time now.
"I don't owe you this, you're right. But I owe it to myself to just get it off my chest. I can't have this hanging over me all the time. especially not when I spend everyday trying to get you to let go of your demons." As he spoke he began raising our hands to line up with his face and as he finished he pressed a tender kiss to the back of my hand.
I couldn't ignore the feeling stirring in my stomach, a feeling that's words and his touch brought about together.
I opened my mouth, about to protest but he shut me off.
"Just let me get this out. I'm not just telling you this because I trust you- i'm telling you this because when I'm with you I know that everything Is going to work itself out. I know that with you, I not only can be but have to be completely honest and open. I know that no matter what I tell you you wont break, but I can break. I will break if you aren't the one next to me when I finally say this all aloud. You have become my strength, Dru, In some twisted turn of fate I don't just trust you- I need you." He spoke slowly, articulating with such meaning and depth that I couldn't help but hang on every single word.
With our hands now resting over his thigh all I could manage to do was reach out with my other hand to squeeze his. The emotions building up inside of me were too overwhelming that I couldn't bring myself to actually speak.
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I didn't need to say anything, the unspoken bond between us made it clear how we both felt.
"My siblings and I were always close, our parents weren't around much after Liv was born so were on our own most of the time. We didn't mind it, we were so used to it. But when I went away for university they struggled without me, but they refused to let me come home. So they went to my best mate for help, I don't know what actually happened- nor do I want to. But my sister and him fell in love. When I came home for holidays after third year they had gone. They'd left Liv all alone and fending for herself."
He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.
"They'd ran off to Hawaii to elope, Liv swore she didn't mind- that the her netball club had been raising money and giving it to her. She said she was going to go but wanted to be here when I got home. They just left her, Dru, a 15 year old in a big house all on her own." His voice was breaking, the sheer thought resurfacing old pain and struggle. I could only squeeze onto him harder.
"It was easier to just not talk to them again I guess, easier to just push them out and blame them. Far easier than admitting I missed them and that I felt betrayed. I didn't speak to them in 2 years. 2 years! They stayed in Hawaii and it was just easy to ignore them I guess."
He stopped to take another deep breath, running a hand threw his hair to hold it back from the wind.
"I was so stupid, I should have just gotten over my pride and spoken to them. Because now- now I can never tell them how much I miss them and love them every again." I reached up to catch a tear from falling down him face. what had happened to his older sister? to his best friend?
"What happened?" I couldn't help but breath out.
"They died in a bombing at Waikiki a week before I got on this stupid plane. only 7 people died. Why did they have to be two of them? They had so much life ahead of them." his face buried itself in his other hand, his words coming out muffled.
"Liv and I were on our way to the funeral. Our parents were going to met us there. How stupid? It took the death of their daughter for them to contact us, for them to suddenly act like they cared." He laughed aloud at the parent irony, but I was far from laughing. I could feel tears of my own falling down my cheeks- I made no effort to pull my hands from his and stop them.
"But we clearly never made it to the funeral. No. Instead as we landed here her first instinct was to check if I was okay. I wished she didn't I wish she'd focused on getting herself out of there. Then it would be me that was dead. If she hadn't leant over me the piece of metal that went straight threw her would have gone threw me instead. I would be dead. Not her. She didn't deserve to die, she was so full of life that I didn't think i've even be alive to see the day my baby sister died. Why did it have to be her?" He was fully engulfed in his tears now, his chest shaking as he made no attempts to calm himself down.
He always had the right things to say to me when I was in states like this. But I had no clue what to do other than to hold him.
My arms wrapped around his shoulders, pushing his knee out of the way so that I could pull his chest to mine. His face buried into my neck, not protesting at all as I clung onto him like it was the last thing i'd ever do.
His fingers were just as desperate, clawing at my back as he held onto me like I held all of his strength.
"She didn't deserve to die, none of them did but it should have been me." His breaths were calming, his voice steadying the longer we sat there in each others arms. "But It wasn't me, and I had to do something about it. I had to make sure no one else lost the one they loved. Love has always been my weakness, but that was all gone. I had to focus on getting these people home alive to their families. I'm sorry for how I treated you."
"You and I have always been fighting the same war, there's no saying who went about it the correct way." I spoke into his neck, my lips tingling as they brushed over his skin. I could feel the same spot on my own neck burning as his lips grazed over it.
"A Part of me died when Liv died, but you- you somehow make it all feel better. You make it feel like I have to run with it, to live a life that she would be proud of. I know that's what you did with Darcy. Because of you my sister didn't die in vain, you made me into someone that protected people, and that was still when I couldn't stand the sight of you." His face raised out of my neck as he slowly met my eyes.
I was hit with a flood of emotions, overwhelming and complex feelings that I couldn't ignore. Everything he said resigned so deeply within me, everything he did sent shockwaves threw my whole body. He was so much more than someone I needed, he was someone I was utterly dependant on in a way that I couldn't even describe. I felt all that and more reflected back at me.
He was right. When we were together, behind every other heightened emotion lay a deep connection that made everything feel okay.
"I would say you have no idea the effect you have on me, but I can see it in your eyes that you feel the exact same way." I whispered, my face already edging closer to his. I resisted the urge to drop my eyes to his lips, wanted to watch as his eyes brightened up with a glimmer of happiness and lust.
"I wouldn't change anything that's happened, because even though some forces are out of our control it has led us to keeping all these people alive and it has lead us to each other." He whispered back, our lips brushing with each word he spoke.
My fingers searched for his on their own, weaving in between his before I could even say differently.
I felt the slightest squeeze from his half before our gaze dropped. His back collapsed against the wood once more. The soft groan that left his lips told me what I already knew- he was exhausted.
And so was I.
We fell into a comfortable trance, both of our eyes transfixed on the dancing nights sky above us. No words connected us, no gazes, just our hands clinging to each others.
And that's how we stayed all night, holding onto our hope in one another. Holding onto our hope that everything would be okay with the other by our side.
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