Tom

September 21st, 2019

"Is this a good idea.. Am I .. Am I doing the right thing?" I asked my therapist. We were video chatting, as usual. Leaving home was still a terrifying thing unfortunately. Orpah would be coming in just 6 hours, people were already in the backyard patio setting up for filming and I was upstairs in my room.

"What feels good to you?" She asked.

I paused, closing my eyes to think about it. "Andy."

"You miss her?"

"Terribly."

"Why haven't you tried to contact her?"

I shook my head, "I don't know.. I tried when I was in the hospital, had her number and email searched for, and my team found it for me pretty easily. All I had to do was call or send a text." I was feeling that knot in my stomach again. "I got scared. I haven't tried since. I don't even know what I'm scared of."

"Well... Unfortunately, our time has run out today but I would like to talk more about what you're scared of in our next session. I'll see you next week, Tom."

"Yes, see you next week. Thanks." I smiled and ended the call, closing my laptop and sighing. I buried my face in my hands, immediately going to take a shower. The tempurature always had to be cold, I didn't like it warm or hot anymore, sleeping with a pillow was also hard. Last week I bought an ocean's sounds disc, I have it playing constantly.

I stood under the water, closing my eyes and listening to the disc. I could still hear her voice, her beautiful voice, I couldn't see her though. I stepped out and grabbed my phone, opening her instagram to see her pictures. Still private. I hadn't requested to follow her yet, something I was also scared of. Her posts number hadn't gone up at all so she was still a ghost to social media. If she posted on her story or tweeted anything then it would have trended by now, I hoped she was okay, I needed her to be okay.

"Why won't you talk to me?" Her voice begged in my ear. God, I miss her so much. I started crying, walking back into the shower and trying to drown it all out. "Please, talk to me."

*7 hours later*

"Are we ready?" Oprah was sitting opposite of me, a whole crew filming us as we sat in my backyard on a sunny day. Everyone nodded, "Alright, Tom." She smiled so kindly to me, "Let's begin."