Couple of notes to start with. No smashing humor with this one with how serious and dark it is.

1) The story, while being extraordinarily dark and exploring troubling topics from the perspective of a troubled man, does not endorse these things. The author does not support them. Yet, much to my respect of the author, the author can set aside his own personal views enough to write the story exclusively from the main character's mind, who, being mentally ill, DOES endorse them. This is a fine line to tread on and should only be read by an adult of an able mind who will not be easily swayed into thinking in the same way. Not all stories marked as mature are necessarily needed to be read exclusively by such. This one does.

2) This story is a long one. I have read up to 13.2. It looks like just over half, where I believe I have a good enough idea of the big picture to have an opinion on it. My review may not reflect the product past this, but it's at least enough to affect the vast majority because if you get past the point my review covers, you probably are invested enough to finish.

3) This story is a male-on-male romance. While some people may try to be politically correct and put it on a giant pedestal and give it more praise than it deserves, or maybe cringy and bash it: (I'm a Christian, and so do not endorse any sin.) I will not. The review will treat it with the same blunt lack of bias I approach all other stories with.

Okay, so that's some things to cover first. Let's do this!

TLDR; Side effect may include unwanted memories, negative self-image, hypervigilance, emotional distress, sense of threat, intrusive thoughts, avoidance and isolation, memory problems, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, excessive blame, dissociation, flashbacks, nightmares, sleeping problems, self-destructive behaviors, magic, reincarnation, toxic relationships, hallucinations, drugs, rape, and attempted suicide.

Overall I'd rate it 3 smashing out of 5, as I found its strengths equal to its flaws, but I think people who can have emotional connections with them, have a massive thing for romances, or can relate to the troubles they endure would find it higher.

Main Characters - Semi-smashing - Easily, the story's most substantial aspect is in the main character. The guy is a shopping list of problems that make your heart bleed. He is a down on his luck dude who came with aspirations and dreams to be crushed physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically beneath the anvil of big city dog-eat-dog life. Every sentence is from his perspective, and every dark dripping adjective punctuates how mentally ill he is. His words are explosive, divisive, dramatic, emotional, and ripped from his torn soul in such a way that makes you want to hug the stuffing out of him. Even how he nicknames himself as Roach adds to it.

The other MC is a somewhat suave yet awkward rich dude. This odd combination is made possible by him being caught off guard by the other's bluntness. We have hilarious chemistry that is both funny and sad because the self-deprecating humor is funny but comes from a truly depressed soul. The dude is in many ways exactly what the mc needs: kind and committed.

Overall they are great and bounce off each other very well.

Yet flaws come in before long. Mr suave lacks self, especially later just turning into a spineless apology stereo. He says "I love u" or "love" (nickname) so much I wondered if the author decided she didn't like him anymore and planned to kill him off because he was, basically, Finn "Reeeeey!!!" from star wars episode 9. making him borderline just a side character.

Another flaw comes into play before long, not as a product of themselves, but other aspects of the story.

Side characters: poor - there is just one, and he is one, maybe two scenes. This is to the story's detriment as, for the same reason I used for The Signs We Missed, there is only so much you can do with a limited cast. This limits the ability to flesh out the MCs into well-rounded characters or to have world-building.

Grammar - smashing - Right off the top. I love the first line. The first line alone left me walking away stunned. The grammar and word usage continue to impress through the entire story. It was easy to read, and I didn't have hiccups. There was one thing I noticed, but it's minor. So while it's worth bringing up, it doesn't hurt the story enough to affect its rating. The author likes to make huge paragraphs that combine action, narrative and thought and often from multiple separate flows and thoughts combined. Though each sentence is nice, the paragraphs are like packed sardines. The pace is slow because such an ABUNDANCE of time is spent on thought, outlook, and reflection, but there is still so much packed into each paragraph it was mindboggling. How she managed to make it feel slow-paced yet packed and stuffed at once is beyond me, haha. It can be wordy, but that's reasonable when having a story based on thought and reflection. Also, again minor and not hurting the story, the grammar and words chosen are a bit odd because the author seems British. So be aware that if you hail from another English-speaking country, than our steak-boiling English homeland.

Worldbuilding - poor - The lack of side characters really hinders this. The story tries to attempt world-building, but it is hard to do. It tries to reflect a shitty world where the MC has been pooped on, but with the narrative so closely confined to his thoughts alone, it succeeds in making his world, but also his world alone. There is nothing to counter his perspective and paint a more fleshed-out picture of what exists. The WB, by the straightforward limits it gives itself, is so narrow and biased as to be nonexistent.

This also hurts the MC as, said before, with the SC, you only get to see limited sides of them, and the MCs are not as fleshed out as I wish they were. If at all.

Plot - confusion - The plot starts simple. You got a depressed guy. you got a suave, awkward, kind, committed guy. they do some Twilight-Staring. Then they have a nice meal over Chinese. Then Roach hits the bottom and calls Suave cuz he needs someone. Then Roach tries to kill himself but submits to suave to be taken away, where he learns they have been reincarnating over and over, and Suave has magic. But in true psychological fashion, helping a person this far down receives lots of backlashes.

On the surface, it's excellent. But if you look closer, you might wonder what kind of story this is, and I don't know if the author quite knew either when she started or if she was making it up as she went along.

It tries to be a tragedy, but it cant be. A tragedy takes a character down from a good place to a bad place due to their internal flaws. this character starts at the same level of crap he is at later. It doesn't really get better or worse; it just flounders about at the same level of a shitty life. And the reason he fell so far isn't really displayed too much but could be anything. Gullibility? Forces beyond his control? Who knows. But these things don't make a tragedy.

It tries to be a nice romance of healing. From how it starts, one can think that but rather than build a foundation of growing relationship and trust from which healing is possible, the story jumps the gun and skips all foundation in their relationship. It shortcuts with random supernatural means of "we don't need to build a relationship, trust, or time because we already had them for ten lifetimes!! : D" so as good as the story is at showing how far a person can fall, it shoots itself in the storyline-of-healing-foot by doing the ONE thing you never EVER do: rushing it. There is a reason why the best of romances either only show the beginning of the relationship sparking, or they are a sitcom slice-of-life that shows the process that happen over the years. Because. These. Things. Take. Time.

It tries to be a supernatural thing, but this is a weak layer at most around a foundation that tries to imbed itself in realism, psychology, and relationships. Not magic. When it shows up, it is so late as to be introduced as a foundation of the world, so random and so far out of the left-field that I walked away and double-checked where I was because I was wondering if I had read a different story suddenly.

If the story wanted to be a tragedy, it would start with the MC being in a good place and ending up where the story begins, which could be a good prequel. If the story wanted to be a romance or healing, it requires building a foundation, yet it refuses and rushes things. What we are left with is... well... angst. Excellent angst, but angst. Which isn't a plot that goes in any direction so much as an established status quo.

The plot, on reflection, feels more like a documentary—a documentary of mental illness and ignorance of the same. Because on the one hand, you got a guy suffering in multitudes of ways, and not really getting better or worse, while lashing out against the healer (both realistic and because the healer sucks); and on the other hand, you have a guy who tries to help, but ignorantly is so driven to rush it (seriously why does he think he can heal him in... what? two days? THIS SHIT TAKES YEARS!) that he ends up hurting his friend/patient/one-sided-lover rather than doing anything productive.

The story as a whole is excellently written, but in its spine doesn't seem to know what kind of beast to frame itself as.

If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.