not solangelo, something i had to get out of my system

i used to say i had my inner demons under control. but today something made me realize that i don't.

in my last three years of primary school i was bullied. now, i don't get triggered by reading stories about bullying. the only thing that triggers me is being put in situations simular to what happened in those years. i put up a facade, so the world doesn't see my actual pain.

i do not battle the demons of depression, i do not battle the demons of suicidal thoughts. i have built towers in my head, to prevent falling into the holes where those thoughts are. because believe me i know they are their, and sometimes one of them escapes and runs up to hit me. i battle the demons that try to tear down my towers. i battle the demons of defeat.

today i was made aware of this in the worst way possible. during class, we were working on a project, and the group next to us, the so-called 'cool ones', wasn't working but saying things about people at our school in a negative way. i didn't reallly listen to it, but caught parts of the conversation.

at a certain moment i heard my name fall, so i look up. the boys realize that i might've heard what they were saying. all i heard was: ".....like Elise." but just the way he said it, and the guilt in his eyes when he saw me looking at him, told me that it had been negative. i asked him, angered, if he wanted to tell me something. instead of telling the truth, he started to lie, but wasn't backed up by his friends, who told me it WAS about me, and not about another Elise. so i ask him again. he is scared of me, and by now the entire class can hear us. but my anger is a mask. a mask that is about to crumble. i can already feel the tears in my eyes, feel the sob rising in my throat. i ahev to get out, and as soon as possible. but he still denying that he said anything bad.

it's a repatition of those three years. my mask crumbles, and i turn back to my phone, which is lying on the table. the first tears fall onto my phone. my best friend, and one of my partners for this project, has followed the entire conversation, and has seen through my mask before it shatters. she leans towards me, and i manage to say one thing. "it's just like last time."

when i cry i can't speak. my breath comes in heaves, and it takes all my efforts just to breathe properly. my voice is too shaky to be heard.

i friend knows, without a doubt, what i'm talking about. but she's not the only one who has noticed. some other people around us heard my raised voice, and saw me turn to my phone mid-argument, something i never do. so it doesn't go unnoticed that i am crying. only because i have my back turned to my tacher, he doesn't notice until i have to turn around.

up until the point i had to turn around, i was silently crying. however when i turned around, and pick up my bag, my teacher notices my tearstained-face. he asks me what's wrong, but i am still not in a state to speak. my friend explains to him what happened, and he urgently dismisses the class, telling the boy who said it and my project partners to stay behind.

we talk, and the teacher makes the boy promise not to do this ever again, and even stand up for me, even if i'm not there. what he also does, is ask me how i knew that his words where negative. i can talk a little again at this point, and explain to him that i've become an expert in detecting how someone's takling about you, although i never wanted to become an expert on this matter.

on my way home, after i said goodbye to my friends, i thought about everything. i was cycling, and came to the realisation that i most certainly have demons to battle. no-one knows just how strong these demons are. and im always fighting, keeping them away from truly huryting me.

i know you don't use wattpad anymore, and i don't even know your username, but Carlijn, thank you, thank you for swearing the living hell out of this boy. thank you for explaining to the teacher what was going on. thank you for being the friend i needed. you might not have been their for the fight, but you are there to take care of my wounds, to make sure they don't re-open again. you mean more to me than i could ever put into words.

i know this was not what you expected when you got this update, but i had to get this out. don't worry, i'm fine. it might still be 3-1 for the demons, but i'm not giving up. i may have never spoken to you, but YOU, my readers, can put a smile on my face any day of the week. you are, without realising it, my friends. i love you guys so much.

the next few one shots should be coming up shortly.