A/N: MAAAN MY LOVE FOR BROOKLYN 99 FINALLY CLASHES WITH THIS SHIT

IF YOU GUYS LIKE IT AS MUCH AS I DO, I MIGHT MAKE IT ITS OWN BOOK AND CONTINUE WITH A BUNCH OF CHAPTERS (all in their own little universes so that the reader can jump from one love interest to another lol)

If it's not obvious enough, here are the assigned roles

Haise = Captain Raymond Holt

Ginshi = Terry Jeffords

(no one:

Ginshi: GINSHI LOVES YOGOURT-)

Saiko = Gina Linetti

Kuki = Rosa Diaz

Tooru = Amy Santiago

You = Jake Peralta (this doesn't mean that Mutsuki x reader is set in stone, I plan to switch out the love interests every once in a while)

As you sauntered into the office, all heads already turned to you. It was all over the news anyways, of course they'd know. "And that's 26 ghouls for (Y/N), 24 for Tooru. Who's in the lead? Me!" Turning to the green haired boy who rolled his eyes, you winked at him. "Why, investigator Mutsuki, by all means. You do the honours of changing the number."

Your friend (is he even your friend? He looks like he hates your guts right now...) nearly slammed his hands on the desk and stomped to the board to erase your 25 and replace it with a 26. When he turned around and passed by you, he stopped for a moment. The expression he pulled might have been supposed to look evil, but he just looked stupid to you. "Enjoy your victory while it lasts, (L/N). I'll have you absolutely decimated in a matter of days."

"Oh, decimated. I do love me a dice." You replied. Your euphoria didn't allow you to even feel threatened by the man.

"Die, not dice, and it has nothing to do with it." Obviously disgusted by your limited vocabulary, Tooru returned to his desk and started his paperwork again.

"Dead or not, it sounds very sexy." You purred. "Oh to think that in a few mo-"

"Settle down with the foreplay, you two." Urie scolded. You took a few steps back out of reflex before he'd pull a knife at your throat or something. "The new captain's coming today and as much as I'd love to see you fired, I won't have this squad look bad on the first day."

"Speech!" Saiko cheered, turning to Shirazu, who was the current squad leader. You were all surprised that Urie hadn't tried to murder him and take his place yet.

"Er... no, I'll leave that to the captain." The tall blonde shook his head in denial.

The reminder of a new captain made your shoulders fall in disappointment. "Urgh, the old cap was just fine, I don't get why they fired him. I liked him a lot!"

"Yeah, because he let you do whatever you wanted. Nothing got done when that guy was around!" Mutsuki interjected. "Hell, even Shirazu almost lost his position as squad leader because Akira caught him arm wrestling with you."

"It was the QS Olympics! The FINALE!" You cried out in an attempt to defend your very, very rational actions.

"Heh, I won that year." Ginshi's statement earned a glare from you. No one won, you had settled on that. Akira didn't let you two finish and banned the QS Olympics. No. One. Won.

"I just don't want a new captain that's gonna be like Urie, you know? A total sociopath with no emotions! I don't want to live the rest of my days hearing '(L/N)! Put on your uniform!', '(L/N), the QS Olympics remain banned!', 'thE ProTeCtiOn Of HuMaN CiVIliAnS Is MoRe ImPortAnT ThAn ThE cApTuRe Of A GhOul'. You know, a robot kind of guy." You folded at the elbows and mechanically moved around. "Meep, morp, I am humble and yet very conceited." By the time you had finished that impression, everyone's eyes weren't on you anymore, but rather set on something (or someone) behind you. Although the lack of attention deeply affected you, you slowly turned to meet a man clad in a suit.

"You must be (L/N). My name is Sasaki Haise, former ghoul and your new squad captain." Former WHAT now?!

He didn't even stretch out a hand to shake yours. Instead, his eyes bore into your own with an almost threatening stare. Under the pressure, you could only speak your mind. "Haha, you have pudding hair." Shirazu was barely able to stop himself from wanting to smack his face into a nearby wall while Saiko doubled over in silent laughter and Mutsuki basked in the embarrassing moment.

When no one else stepped forwards to say anything, Shirazu reluctantly took up his job as Squad leader. "U-uh! Shirazu Ginshi, sir, QS squad leader! These here are my fellow investigators, Urie Kuki and Mutsuki Tooru. Yonebayashi Saiko is our civilian representative and secretary." Sasaki turned his attention to the blonde and gave him a soft smile, warning you that you may have gotten on a ghoul's bad side.

"It's very nice to meet you all." The man said, shaking Shirazu's hand. Haise exchanged a brief nod of acknowledgment to Tooru, Saiko and Kuki while completely ignoring you. Once again, the lack of attention seemed to do terrible psychological harm to you. "I look forward to working with the QS. Now, if you'll excuse me... Squad Leader Shirazu, I'd like to have a word with you in private." Oh, look! You were going to get fired today!

And they walked away. Sasaki didn't even cast one last hateful glance at you before entering his office and closing the door. At the desk in front of yours, Mutsuki giggled. "I like him."

"I like him," you mocked in a high pitched voice while grimacing. "Shut up, you like jazz. That's sad." Okay, so what if you were a bit mad? The guy will probably suspend anything you find fun in here!

"Am I... am I the only one who gets a bit of a gay vibe off of him?" Saiko questioned. "He just... he seems too soft." Too soft?! No way in hell, Captain Sasaki was going to be ruthless and you knew it. But you wouldn't bend to his rule.

Everyone gave Saiko a glare of disbelief. "Shut up, no one wants to be a part of your new homosexual office erotica, Yonebayashi. Go answer the phone calls you keep missing since you stopped working." Urie ordered.

"Not gonna happen, Cookie. Saiko hasn't worked since... two years ago?" You let out a shrill shriek and curled up in a (standing) ball when Urie took two steps towards you. Luckily, he had the strength to control himself and not kill you on the spot.

"Don't call me that." He growled through gritted teeth. "You will refer to me as Inspector Urie for the next week, (L/N). Understood?"

"What happens after that?" Mutsuki curiously inquired while you 'tsk'ed at him.

"Stop with the stupid questions, my dear. If you don't grind hard enough at work, you'll be going on a date with me soon." You smugly replied, nodding at your two extra points on the board.

"Urgh, gross." He instantly regretted his words.

"'Urgh, gross' title of your sex tape!" No one laughed, but it was a better reaction anyways. Urie continued as if you hadn't just brought up Mutsuki's (non-existent) love life.

"I doubt Captain Sasaki is going to keep them here for longer than a week anyways." He evilly smirked at you. When you opened your mouth to defend your title of Ultimate Ghoul Catcher, someone else had managed to open their chatterbox before you.

"Well?! You aren't getting paid to chitchat, no? Get back to work, the lot of you!" Sasaki ordered, sending most of your co-workers skedaddling to their stations while you took your sweet time to get back on your unsolved cases.

"You're an odd squad, you know that?" Sasaki said as he closed the door behind him. Being so mean deeply wounded him, but if he wasn't firm with you all, he knew nothing would get done. Hence, the QS Olympics were born in such chaos. "Nonetheless, I do see underlying potential. In all of you. But it can't be extracted unless I know what I'm dealing with." The white-and-black haired male stood by the window, watching as everyone was back at their stations and working.

When Shirazu didn't start talking, Haise side-eyed him. "Well? I don't know them as well as you do, Squad Leader. Tell me about your teammates."

"Oh!" Shirazu scrambled to stand by the captain, looking over his friends and colleagues. "Well, firstly, we have Yonebayashi Saiko. She's trained in combat and is a legal quinx, but she isn't interested in anything that doesn't include a screen or game." Seeing as her desk was right in front of the window, he pointed out to her computer screen that was currently displaying an otome game of some sort instead of CCG business. "She's the civilian representative, but most of her duties are secretary and assistant stuff. I usually end up doing most of her tasks though."

Haise nodded, apparently taking in every single bit of information. "Over there, that's Urie Kuki. You know, the one..." Ginshi stopped himself when his friend started violently hitting the computer in front of him, with an expression of horrifying hatred on his face. Said quinx lost patience with the electronic demon and violently stood up, slashing it in half with his kagune. You desperately tried to hide your expression of entertainment before he saw you and decided you were his next victim. "He... costs us a lot of material. He's mostly mean-spirited, individualistic, cold... I think he's a sociopath, but he's a very bright person when he wants to be. He hates working with others to solve cases though, and he's known to be awful with younger victims. He made a few kids cry more than once when trying to interrogate them. I think we got sued once for that."

"Over there, we have Ying and Yang. The one with the green hair is Mutsuki Tooru. He's... well, a goody two-shoes. He knows every rule, every law by heart and intends to follow them all. He's a perfectionist, but he works well in groups and he's able to keep his... flaws in check, so he doesn't really have a history with overwhelming dominance like Ur- some others. A very bright person, but he has trouble with his ghoul side so he sticks with quinques."

"I see," Haise nodded. While he was examining Mutsuki's eyepatch and somewhat shy demeanour, the quinx in question had turned around and accidentally spotted him staring. Sasaki didn't let up, and all Mutsuki could do was give an awkward smile and shakily turn back to his work, although the new captain's obvious stare was sort of scaring him a bit. ...was he shaking? "And the last one I assume is (L/N)?"

"Sir, even though you two started on a rough patch, I really think they're the most well-balanced investigator we have. They're not too smart as to be apathetic, but they're not too sympathetic as to let feelings get in the way. But we all think they had a rough childhood, so they're a bit desperate for attention sometimes... well, most of the time. B-but it's not their fault!"

Haise finally turned to Shirazu, shooting him an unimpressed look. "To be in the CCG, a rough childhood is a must, Shirazu. That can't be an excuse for them when everyone went through some form of the same thing as well." The blonde blushed in embarrassment but remained quiet. "What about you? What kind of link do you have within the squad?"

His blush only darkened at the question. "Well, uh... I was chosen as Squad Leader because a former captain thought Urie was unable to fulfill the position correctly, but I really think (L/N) would be more fitting for the role! I-I try very hard at my job, sir, but I'm not exactly all that bright sometimes."

Haise placed a hand on the lower class investigator's shoulder. "Don't sell yourself short, Shirazu." He said with a soft, motherly smile on his features. "You're dismissed."

As the quinx left the room, Sasaki leaned on the doorframe and listened/watched you all in your own little worlds. There was a lot to be done to perfect this squad, but he was persuaded that you all withheld the potential to be the CCG's most powerful and performant weapon.

"Rank 3 (L/N)! I implore you to leave Rank 3 Mutsuki's love life alone and work on your cases!" He scolded.

"But sir, he's a virgin!" You retorted childishly. Mutsuki let out a outraged gasp but decided to bicker anyways.

"S-so are you!" He yelled back at you. "And when you told me, you said it was cool!"

It was the perfect moment for Saiko to deepen her research on the new captain. She turned in her chair to face him. "Sir, are you a virgin?"

...the road to perfection was a long one that seemed to stretch on forever in front of Haise.