You might hate me for this (as is you don't hate me already). Please proceed with caution.

This chapter is long, by the way.

Enjoy :)

*****

I am in no fucking way prepared for the event today—or should I say tonight—and I don't think that I will ever be.

Staring blankly at the ceiling with my limbs sprawled out on the bed taking up space as much as it can allow, I wallow at the silence in my room, a stark contrast to the war going on inside my head. It has been days since the last time the three of us met but the conversation between Rein and I never left me. He told me not to think about it too much, to not force myself and take my time, but I can't do that. Not with this desire to remove this heavy feeling weighing me down more and more every single fucking day that pass.

Another sigh left my lips, something that I've been doing for the umpteenth time today, and not even an hour had passed. I've been awake for an hour, but my body seems to not cooperate with me. My mind has been commanding it for fuck knows how many times already yet here I am, still laying on my black sheet covered bed. There seems to be a magnet holding my body down, keeping me in place and not allowing me to stand up. It's fine by me, mind and body still exhausted from the lack of sleep, and if it would help me to not be able to attend the event later tonight, I would be more than glad to stop trying to get up.

Life, however, have other plans for me. I knew it when I heard my phone alarmed, followed by the loud ringtone of someone messaging me. With a groan, I sat up, running my hand through my hair to fix my bed hair while reaching for my phone on my nightstand. Turning the alarm off, I went to open the message.

Hey, Shorty! Christmas Eve is tonight! Do you have any plans?

I sighed. It wasn't really surprising to see their name first thing in the morning.

Yes, Shitty Glasses. I'll be going out with Rein tonight.

I stood up and went to the bathroom to do my morning rituals. I didn't bother to stare at my reflection in the mirror knowing that I would look the same as I did last night, exhausted, as if I didn't have any blink of sleep.

Which is very much the truth.

After I relieved myself, washed my face and brushed my teeth, I went back to my room and took my phone, reading Hanji's reply as I made my way down to the kitchen to have my daily cup of tea.

6:36

Really? Where?

At some bar. We'll be watching Eren's gig.

You guys will? Can I tag along? Eren also invited me last, last day. :D

The message made me frown. Eren invited Hanji, meaning that they're still talking.

Whatever. It's not like I have a control nor should I control who Hanji's going to talk to or not. I should just be glad that they're still friends after what happened.

Okay, Shitty Glasses. Just be on time or we'll fucking leave your shitty ass behind.

When I finished making my tea, I went to the living room and turned on the television, the sound becoming nothing but background noise to kill the silence as I lay on the couch once again. I don't have anything to do and it's bugging me. Without anything on my plate to get busy with, it's easier for my mind to get back on track about my life problems, something that I'd rather forget and stop worrying over.

It's irritating that no matter how repetitive my thoughts are, I still haven't found the answer to my questions. I still worry about the same thing fucking over and over again, and I never thought that it would be this fucking tiring until I got to experience it myself. For once in my life, I started to hate being all by myself, without someone to distract me. I wasn't in the mood to surf and browse around my laptop, nor do I want to focus on the shitty shows playing in the TV. I already spent the whole day cleaning yesterday and even if I try to search for something that I can clean to distract myself, it would only be futile. Reading has been helping me divert myself from reality, however it isn't doing much progress now as it did before.

Still, I tried. I tried watching some Science related shows, but it only took my attention for quite a short time before my thoughts went back to the usual things again. I tried cleaning, but having nothing else left to clean, it ended as soon as it started. I tried reading books only for my eyes to scan over them, meaning not being deciphered and understood by my mind.

Then after hours of agonizing thinking of what I should do, something came into my mind. Maybe doing that would help me. It has always been an escape of mine, something that helps me clear my mind up, helping me keep my sanity intact.

Standing up, I made my way to my room quickly, taking my laptop from where it sat still on top of my study table. Booting it up, I went to sit on my bed, my back against the keyboard as I accessed the word processor in my laptop.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath before my fingers started working, words after words appearing on the screen as my hands worked as if it has a mind of its own. It's like a dam overfilled with water, all of the thoughts and problems pooling inside my mind uncontained, wanting to get out.

And using my problems and thoughts as my blade, I bleed.

*****

I didn't know how long I've been typing away in my laptop, my emotions flowing out in the form of words. When I decided that it's enough, that I already exhausted everything, I didn't notice the aching of my back for sitting that long, didn't notice the soreness of my eyes, the numbness of my fingers as I saved the file and shut my laptop off. All I can think of is the unfamiliar yet pleasant feeling of easiness for both my mind and chest. I haven't felt like this for too long.

When I looked at the clock I noticed that it was already past six in the evening. My stomach growled, having nothing to digest the whole day. Setting my laptop down, I left my room in favor of going to the kitchen and eat something before my stomach decided that it would be nice to start digesting itself.

Still not in the right state of mind to cook, I just fished out a box of cereals from the cupboard and milk from the refrigerator, not risking burning the house down. I ate silently, the occasional clanking of the spoon against the bowl is the only sound that can be heard as I kept my eyes glued on the countertop. I didn't take too much time eating, cleaning up as soon as I finished, and I went back to my room to start getting ready. Rein will be picking me up by seven thirty and Hanji should be over here soon.

After spending more than half an hour taking a bath, I chose what I would be wearing for tonight, ending up with something consisting of a plain black button up shirt and dark blue jeans. I don't need to look fancy, it's just a gig for fuck's sake, but I don't want to look like a slob either. Folding my sleeves up to my elbows, I soon combed my hair and left it at its usual style, parted a bit to the right, before I made my way downstairs.

I didn't need to wait long. Minutes after I sat alone in my living room, the doorbell rang and I opened it to see Hanji standing outside. They greeted me with a hug and I needed to force my way out of their grip when I felt that my lungs needed air. We talked about random things as we wait for Rein, but nothing is too interesting. A minute earlier than the said time, Rein arrived, picking us up before we made our way to the bar where Eren will be performing. I didn't bother taking a coat with me, it would be hot in the venue for it to be used anyways.

"Hey, Hanji." Rein looked at Hanji through the rear view mirror and smiled at them. "How's it going?"

Hanji nodded, smiling back at him. "I've been good. Man, I'm excited to hear Eren sing."

"Have you heard him sing before?" Rein raised one of his eyebrows as he inquired, giving a quick glance at Hanji who's sitting at the backseat before focusing back on the road.

Hanji shook their head in response, tilting their head a bit to the side. "Hmm, I've never heard him so I'm reaaalllyyy excited for tonight." They laughed, as if they thought of something funny before shaking their head, sighing.

Ignoring their weird actions, I kept my eyes glued outside, being silent the entire ride as the two of them chatted.

It didn't take long until we arrived at the place. As soon as Rein parked the car, we went out and headed towards the entrance. I was able to spot Eren standing a few feet away from the entrance, his eyes glued to his phone with his free hand tucked inside his jeans.

"Eren!" Eren looked at our direction, his attention caught by his twin's voice calling for him. He smiled at the sight of us and started walking, meeting us halfway. He bumped fists with his twin and accepted Hanji's hug, laughing as he did so, but he only smiled, one that didn't reach his eyes nor lit up his eyes, and nodded towards my direction.

It fucking hurts but I'm not in the right place to complain. I'm the reason why he acted like that anyways.

This is nothing compared to the pain I caused him.

Eren led us in, bringing us to the table that is just in front of the small stage where a drum and two poles of microphones are set. The place was bright, the lights still lightened up, and there are only a few people around. The place still doesn't smell like alcohol and sweat which I am thankful for.

"Thanks for coming tonight." He smiled at us, obviously happy for our presence. Is he also happy that I came? Or is he only putting up a front to fool us? I can't see through him now. It's like he built a wall around himself, putting on a perfect mask that can fool anyone around him. I used to be able to read him like an open book but now, even I can't look past his pretenses.

"It's nothing. Besides, I don't have anything to do tonight. My parents aren't in town." Hanji nudged Eren before ruffling his hair, earning a chuckle.

Rein looked around before poking Eren's side to get his attention. "Why are there only a few people around?"

"Well, tonight people won't be allowed to do much partying. It will be kinda intimate, just a few alcoholic drinks will be offered, and really, it's for those people who don't want to get wasted but wanted to spend their Christmas Eve somewhere." He chuckled after saying the last part. "And people will come sooner or later."

Rein nodded. "Ahh, I see."

"Oh wait. Since you guys are here, I'll introduce the others to you." He smiled at us, looking excited. "Wait, let me call them first."

Excusing himself, he walked away, making his way into the personnel's part of the bar. I took the time to take in the place we were in. The floor tiles were mostly black, with some white tiles creating some set of patterns on the floor. The walls painted white, there are lightings placed at the edges of the ceiling, and a long counter located adjacent to the stage. There were tables settled around, taking up the whole place, clearly a sign that there would be no wild party happening tonight.

Minutes later Eren came back with his band mates in tow. They stood in front of us, looking pleased at our presence. Eren cleared his throat before he started introducing us to his band mates.

"So, please meet Rein, my twin, Hanji, a friend of mine and Levi, my bestfriend." I noticed the moment of hesitation before Eren introduced me as his friend, but no one other than me did. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me or he thought that I would get offended.

Friend, huh? The sent a sense of distaste to me, like a bitter remnant of a pill on my tongue. But that's the truth, isn't it? I'm nothing but his friend now, just like how Hanji is to him. Just a friend whom he spent years with when he was a child. Nothing more than that.

Rein and Hanji gave them their greetings and I just gave them a nod. Eren gestured to them and started introducing them to us.

"So this is Marco as the drummer, Jean as the lead guitarist, Mikasa for the bass, and Annie for the vocals."

Marco looks like a good guy and the most noticeable thing about him is the freckles that are scattered on his cheek. Jean is standing beside him, his posture confident and I admit that he was rather good-looking despite his long face. Mikasa looks kinda Asian, her hair just as black as mine, her iris as black as night, her face feminine but still sharp. Annie is short compare to the rest, her hair blond, and her eyes a beautiful color of blue but she looks like she's bored out of her mind.

Jean leaned over Eren and whispered something in his ear. I didn't hear what he said but it made Eren's lips curl into a sad smile as he nodded. As they talked to one another, Mikasa, Annie and I being the silent ones, people started to crowd the place, taking up the available seats.

"The show will be starting in fifteen minutes. I guess we need to go now," Marco said when he noticed the people that's starting to pile. "It's nice meeting you all."

"It's our pleasure." They nod at us before returning to where they came from earlier. I sighed once there's only the three of us around, relieved that I didn't need to be surrounded by plenty of people.

"Rein, Hanji, Levi!" I heard someone called us and I whipped my head to look at where it came from. Armin is walking over to us with Erwin behind him, both two blonds smiling at us.

"Levi." Erwin looked at me before hugging me. "I haven't seen you around."

"You're always too busy, you big doofus." I rolled my eyes and pushed him away. Chuckling he stepped back and sat beside Hanji then plunged into a conversation. Armin did the same greeting to me, asking me why I haven't been coming over to their apartment. When I didn't answer he realized what he said and apologized but I brushed it off as nothing.

The lights around the place dimmed when the lights focused to the stage. People started muttering, excitement practically tangible in the air as we waited for them to come up the stage.

The muttering turned into whistling and cheers when they came up the stage one by one, Marco coming up first followed by Jean, Mikasa, Annie and lastly, Eren. They are carrying their instruments (except for Marco who's only carrying his drumsticks considering that drums are too fucking big to be carried around), and they sat at their respective places, with Annie and Eren sitting at the front behind the mic.

When the cheers soon toned down, Eren took the opportunity to speak and for the first time in a long time, his eyes were alight with joy and excitement. He turned to look at the others and chuckled, saying something that made the others chuckle too before looking back at us.

"Oh wow, I—I can't believe that this is actually happening. We didn't think that you guys will come and for it to be this many, wow, I don't even know what to say! Eloquent, aren't I?" The crowd cheered for him and Eren had to raise his hand to tone down the noise. "Anyway, let me introduce ourselves. We are The 104th, and we are here to keep you entertained for tonight. Here's our first song, we hope that you'll like it."

He nodded at his band mates and they started playing. The song sounded lively, the sound of the guitars, bass and drums blending with each other perfectly. His smile never left his face as sang along the music, his hands strumming the guitar he's holding as he made eye contact with the audience and his duet, Annie. The crowd is clapping along the rhythm, clearly absorbed by it, but all I can focus at is Eren. His shoulder-length hair tied back, giving me a clear view of his face, a look of happiness on it, something that I haven't seen since we broke up. My ears can only focus on Eren's voice, smooth as silk, sounding heavenly as it breached my ears. Seeing him making eye contact with Annie sent a pang of jealousy in me no matter how much I tried to ignore it. I started to wonder what it would feel like to be the one staring back at those bright eyes, any colors having no match to it.

Before I knew it, the song already ended, the crowd applauding at the performance. It made him smile wider and he looked so proud at the moment, so content. I can't pull my eyes away from him despite the stare I can feel that's settled on me, not when he's looking so perfect.

They performed one song after another, the crowd still clapping and singing along with them. The whole time, I kept my focus on Eren, wondering how things will turn out if we didn't break up. Will he introduce me to the others with pride when he tells them that I'm his lover? Will he be looking at me the whole time, smiling and looking at me with love in his eyes instead of avoiding me? Will this longing budding in my chest be gone?

Hanji nudged me and I tore my gaze away from Eren to look at them. They're looking at me with a sad smile, as if they had access in my mind and saw what I was thinking but I kept my face blank.

"They're great and he got a beautiful voice." They don't need to say his name for me to know who they are pertaining to.

I returned my gaze on Eren before muttering, "Yeah, he does."

As I stare at him, I couldn't help but think of how belonged he look at the stage, the lighting directed at him, making his eyes looked like it's glowing. He looked comfortable there, being around his band mates and his guitar in front of people who are willing to listen to his music, willing to listen as he sing with his angelic voice.

I missed hearing his voice. I missed hearing him sing to me before we go to sleep, a lullaby that is able to chase away any thoughts and lead me to a peaceful sleep. I missed hearing him sing love songs, as if it's the only way he can express his love to me for saying it would never be enough.

I miss it, but I don't think that wishing for it would be the best.

Just as they finished another song, Rein took out his phone. He looked at us then smiled. "Oh, there's a call. Please excuse me for a minute."

After I watched him left, I returned my attention to the stage. Eren and the others took a quick break, drinking water and talking amongst each other before preparing once again. Eren cleared his throat before he started speaking once again.

"We're really, really glad that you guys seem to be enjoying us. We're being eaten by our nerves earlier, let me tell you."

The crowd laughed again and suddenly, someone asked a question. "Why are you guys called "The 104th?"

"Hmm..." He looked back at the others again talking for a minute before straightening up again. "Why, you ask? Well, we really suck at thinking of what we should name our band and –"

"It's called "The 104th" because we came with one hundred and four possible band names but nothing really clicks. So then we thought, 'The 104th' doesn't suck as much as the others, doesn't it?' and we just kinda stuck to that." Jean finished the answer for Eren and the audience once again laughed.

"Okay, okay, time to get to the more sadder songs now. Don't worry, there will be more happier songs later on." Eren drank from his water bottle again before continuing. "Let me tell you a story of mine before we start singing again."