Oh look! An update! Woah! I was able to finish this in a day. Hopefully it doesn't suck

Anyways, more angst ahead. Proceed with caution. (When will I stop writing angst?) I hope that you enjoy this. (please ignore the mistakes)

*****

Even an hour after Eren left for his said practice, I still found myself reliving the same exact scene inside my mind, still chastising myself for my actions. For a reason that I know so damn well, I want to jump off a fucking cliff and drown myself together with this guilt that took home in my chest. The whole time, there's only one question that's running inside my mind; Why the fuck did I do that? I still haven't found the answer to the question.

What's worse is that the blank look on Eren's face, the hurt that is reflected in his beautiful turquoise eyes, is still present in my mind. Still making my breath hitch, making my heart clench, and at that time all I wanted is to go home and curl up on my bed as I try to escape this by sleeping despite my lack of ability to provide it to myself every night. I closed my eyes and turned my head down, attempting to calm the fast beating of my heart, tuning out anything, everything in my mind. My hands clenched around the metal chain of the swing to stop my hands from shaking.

It annoys me how much Eren still affects me. How seeing him hurt, especially because of me, makes me want to rip my goddamn heart out just to stop the excruciating pain I feel coming from it. How every night, even after talking to Rein before I go to sleep, he's the one I am thinking about, how fucking nice it would be to be beside him, to be curled up with him and see his face the moment I wake up. How my mind subconsciously replace Rein's amber eyes with his turquoise ones.

I fucking hate it.

I hate the fact that my fucking heart kept on seeking Eren's presence despite the fact that Rein is together with me, loving me, earnestly offering me his heart in spite the fact that I fell for his twin during the span of time I spent with him. I know that this is hard not only for Eren and I but for Rein also. He got his heart broken before, he knew what it feels like to have your heart broken but still, he's trying for me. Even though I may not love him back, he's trying.

But I am also trying, am I not? I am trying to forget about Eren and learn to fall in love with Rein, just like how I used to and like what I believed before. It is just so fucking hard to do it if everything I do reminds me of him.

With my mind cleared, I wasn't oblivious to the sound of children laughing around me, carefree and happy, and it aches how fucking much I wanted to go back in time. The time where we didn't need to worry, where we were only focused on having fun, dreaming of what might happen in the future. Thinking about what I used to dream back then makes me want to laugh. I certainly did dream of the three of us being together, our bond of friendship intact, but it wouldn't take a fucking genius to know and understand that our situation now is too damn far from that. We were neck deep in problems, in pain. So much that I'm starting to think of what might've happened if I didn't let myself get too comfortable with Eren and let my shitty self fall far too fast.

However, if I did that, I wouldn't have felt truly happy in those months. I wouldn't have felt complete, safe and I wouldn't find home that's residing in him. The taste of his lips, the warmth of his embrace, his voice that feels like silk to my ears. Those three words that made me felt like I'm the most important thing in the world for him, even more than water and oxygen. I wouldn't have experienced all of that if I didn't. But can these things really satisfy all of these troubles that we are facing right now?

"Here, Levi." Rein's voice pulled me out of my deep thoughts. Opening my eyes before looking up from the ground, I saw Rein standing in front of me, offering me a cone of mint chocolate ice cream. He was looking rather apprehensive because of what just happened and because of my actions regarding it. I only said a few words to him since earlier, words that even sounded void of any emotions. I felt guilty for it.

I'm not in the mood to eat anything right now, especially something sweet, but I appreciated the effort. Taking the offered dessert, I flashed him a very forced smile. I bet he's thinking that I'm fucking constipated.

"Thanks, Rein."

He smiled at me and shook his head while muttering, "It's nothing."

Apparently, seeing me smile even though it's so painfully obvious that it's fucking fake lifted his spirits even just for a bit. I almost sighed in relief but stopped myself. I am at least glad that someone is not as glum as I am.

I took a quick glance at Rein. More often than not, I am wishing that he doesn't look exactly the same as his twin. It just makes me feel like I'm looking at the same person, Eren, and it most certainly didn't help me in getting my thoughts clear. Maybe Eren also feels as guilty as I am whenever he looks at his twin. Rein's been pulled into this shitstorm because of him, something that shouldn't involve someone else beside the two of us, and knowing that the situation we're in is his fault, I think that the guilt Eren's been feeling is much more crushing.

"Are you okay, Levi?" Rein startled me out of my thoughts once again, his eyebrows furrowed in worry as he looked at me. He stopped eating his ice cream in favor of checking me. I stayed silent, my face blank as I stared back at him. How am I even going to fucking answer that? Because really, I don't even have a fucking clue if I am okay or not. If I say that I am okay, I would be fucking lying to him again. I need to stop lying about it. I'm sick of saying and trying to be okay when the truth is that I am far from it.

"I don't know..." Silence filled the space between us. Rein looked like he wanted to say something but he kept his mouth shut. His lips drawn into a thin line, his eyes casted downwards on the ground, looking like he was in deep thought. Neither of us bothered to speak and I opted to start eating the ice cream he gave to me before it melt and make a mess.

"Thank you, Levi." Halting my actions, I turned turned to look at Rein, a small smile on his face as he continued looking at the ground. He was looking rather content, which confused me, but it was making him look vulnerable for some reason. My eyebrows furrowed in response, my face showing my state of confusion caused by his actions.

"Why... What are you thanking me for?" This is one of the times that makes me sure that the Yeager twins have something wrong with their brains. Suddenly spouting things like that and always making me lost and unable to understand them. I let out a sigh. "The fuck are you saying? There's nothing for you to fucking thank for."

He kept on being silent for a minute before letting out a sigh, lifting his head up to look at me straight in the eye, his eyes reflecting nothing but sincerity. "There are plenty of things that are worth thanking for, Levi. Thanks for everything. I...I know that this is hard for you, but thank you for trying. For trying to forget him, for trying to reciprocate my feelings. I want you to know that I really appreciate all of it."

"Rein..."

"Let me talk first, okay?" He didn't sound harsh. If anything, he sounded like he is talking to a child, sounding so soft and gentle, making me unable to do anything but nod. He smiled again at that.

"I already told you that I know how you feel about Eren, right? I know that you love him and seeing him in that condition is hurting you. Even if you deny it, I can clearly see it in you. He may did it the wrong way, hell, I am mad at him for doing that, but you fell for him. I'm not surprised by it, really. Eren just has this thing about him that makes people like him without him doing anything. He may be such a troublemaker and has a very short fuse but once you get to know him, he's really caring and it's practically impossible for someone not to like him. He's really passionate about the things that he likes, and he's the one you can count on whenever you need it."

Hearing his words just made me more confused than I did before. Why is he telling me this? What is he planning to get in the end of this? Can't he tell how fucking conflicted I am already?

"I just want to clear some things out. I love you, Levi. You're my first love, and you're still the one I love. I want you all to myself, I want to feel your love and affection, but I shouldn't be that selfish, right? I am very much aware of the fact that you don't feel the same way towards me-"

"Rein." My mind is working too damn hard to take a grasp of what he's saying. He isn't making any fucking sense. To me, at least. Maybe I shouldn't have let him talk. I didn't thought that I can be more confused that I did earlier but here I am now. "What are you trying to say?"

"Like what I said, I want to clear things out. I know you're torn between us right now, and seeing you like that is hurting not only me, but also Eren. Before, I asked you to let me love you and I'm glad that you let me, but I don't want to watch you force yourself to love me back. I don't want to think that your love for me is anything but real, anything but genuine. I want you to love me because you do, not just because you felt obliged to.

"I can wait, Levi. Be it months, years, decades; I don't care. I just don't want to see you in such a situation where you feel so fucking lost and torn. And I don't want to think that you only love me because you thought that you have to do it, that you need to do it because you don't want to hurt me everytime you say that you love me. I want it to be real, Levi. It may seem impossible for me, like I'm trying to punch the moon and stars because you already love Eren, but I'm willing to risk everything. I'm willing to be hurt if that would mean that I would get a chance to have you."

I couldn't speak. Here he is, pouring his heart out to me, laying himself vulnerable yet here I am unable to say a fucking word. A lump has formed in my throat, feeling as dry as a desert. I felt overwhelmed, with emotions and thoughts from what he just said. What am I supposed to fucking say? I want to say something back to him but I can't seem to find the right words. All the words that I had learned vanished in this instance.

I felt like a child who's unable to make any coherent sentences.

After several minutes of silence between us, him just staring at me with the same look on his face as I tried to make out words to say, I was able to swallow the lump in my throat and let out an almost inaudible, "Thank you," my voice cracking as the words slipped out my mouth.

It sounded so pathetic, so meaningless compared to what he just said and I hated myself for it. How can I not be able to say the right things back to him? Why am I unable to reassure him, to help lift his spirits up after the things he just said to me? Why does my words fail me when I needed it the most?

Still, hearing my response made him smile and the reason behind the action isn't fathomable for me.

"It's nothing, Levi." He looked at his hand and only then we noticed that the ice cream melted down and made a mess on our hands. "Oh man, this is a waste. Well, let's clean up now, shall we?"

Standing up, I followed his actions and threw the ice cream to the nearby trashcans before we washed our hands at the nearby faucet that we saw. We decided that it's best for us to go home already so we made our way back to his car, me feeling exhausted mentally and physically.

It was silent on our way back, the exchange of words between us lacking. The lack of words are being filled with the music coming out of the car's stereo, but my mind is too occupied to even name the song playing from it. I leaned my head against the window, taking in the sight of blurred faces, concrete buildings, bustling cars and the barren trees.

I closed my eyes despite knowing that I wouldn't fall asleep and only opened it when the car stopped moving. Straightening up, I looked outside, the view of my apartment on sight. Removing the seatbelt, I let out a sigh before I turned to look at Rein.

"Thank you again, Rein."

He shook his head. "I told you, it's fine. Go on and rest, okay?"

Nodding in response, I was about to get out when he grabbed my hand. Looking back, I saw him leaned in and his lips met my forehead, placing a quick, gentle kiss before leaning back, smiling.

"Don't think too much. Give yourself a break." I didn't respond, didn't know what and how to respond. Instead, I went out of the car, closing the door and watched as he drove out of my sight. Letting out another sigh, I started threading my way to the front door. I took my key from my pocket to unlock it but when I took hold of the doorknob, I found out that it was already unlocked.

My eyebrows furrowed in response, my body preparing itself for any danger. Who entered my house? A thief? Maybe a murderer? Well, too fucking unlucky for them. It's not like they can get something valuable out of my apartment.

Silently walking inside to avoid making any noise, I didn't notice the shoes that are placed by the door and made my way to the living room. I can hear faint noises from there and with that, I already made a conclusion that it's most probably none other than Shitty Glasses coming inside uninvited.

My conclusions are proven right when I saw them laying comfortably on my couch, head resting against the couch's handrest and is propped by a cushion. Irritated, I walked to where they are laying, pulling the cushion out, surprising them. Their head made contact with the handrest with a dull thud, making them sit up and rub their head. They looked at me, confused.

"What the hell is that for, Shorty?"

Rolling my eyes, I hit them using the cushion, hitting the back of their head once again. "That's for fucking breaking in inside my goddamn house without my permission. You know that I can fucking sue you for trespassing, right?"

They stood up, playfully slapping my back. "Oh come on, Mr. Grump. I know that you won't do that."

"You fucking think so? Try me." I took my phone out of my pocket and unlocked it but Hanji stopped me, carefully taking my phone out of my hand.

"Levi, can't I joke around? You know that I'm not serious."

"Well I fucking am." Snatching my phone out of their hand, I rolled my eyes before glaring at them. "What the fuck are you even doing here, you ass?"

Without answering me, they grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me after them, heading to the kitchen. They only stopped when we reached the countertop and I noticed the several paper bags resting on top of it.

"I had nothing to do and since it's been quite some time since we hanged out, I decided to spent the afternoon together with my dearest Shorty." They laughed and hooked their arm by my neck before pulling me close to them, ruffling my hair before I elbowed them on their side. They quickly let me go but they still laughed.

"Could you not do that? And stop calling me for Shorty for fuck's sake." I watched them as they took out the containers out of the paper bags, humming as a response to what I said although I can tell that they reall didn't mean it.

"No and no. I'm going to call you Shorty for as long as I can."

"Stop it. It's fucking irritating and besides, I'm not short."

They tore their gaze from the paper bags to look at me in disbelief before they laughed, their hand holding their stomach while the other wiped the tears that seem to gather in their eyes.

"Come on, Levi. That has to be the best lie and denial that I've ever heard. You can dream on, but you couldn't change the fact that you're short. Maybe wearing some heels can help you..." I got irritated by what they said but I wasn't able to hear the last part.

"The fuck did you say, Shitty Glasses?"

They waved their hand, handing me some of the food containers. "Help me bring this to the living room, will you?"

I wanted to tell them to fuck off, but then I realized that I needed their company. Not because I feel lonely being alone, but because they can help me ease my mind off of the things that's been troubling me. Biting my tongue, I decided to follow what they said, taking the food to the living room.

Minutes later, Hanji and I are sitting on the couch in the living room, each of us eating the food that they brought as we watched the movie Hanji picked. Hanji decided that it would be better to watch a movie and even though I knew that I wouldn't be able to focus on it, I went along with them. They already prepared the movie that we're going to watch, saying that they would've played it even if I don't agree with them. The movie is titled The Notebook and apparently, 'The movie is old, making it more better. Old movies are better than the new ones. The new ones suck,' said by Hanji.

I admit, even though I wasn't able to focus too much because of my muddled mind and Hanji's unnecessary comments, I thought that the movie is good. A part of me thought of how nice it would be to have a love like that, something that lasts and grows old with you, accompanying you eve in your last breath. Despite the fact that her wife is sick and is unable to remember him or their family, he stayed. He stayed because he loves her, because all the pain is worth the time he gets to spend with her.

When the movie ended, I sighed while Hanji bawled their eyes out.

"That was so good! I mean, they love each other so much that they even died together so peacefully! I can't even-"

"Shut up, Hanji."

"Come on, Shorty, admit it. You found it good too."

"I did. Are you fucking happy now?"

Hanji set their plate on the coffee table before turning to look at me, suddenly looking serious. "Hey, Levi. If you don't mind me asking, how's it going between you and the twins?"

Placing my plate on the coffee table and taking a gulp of my soda, I slumped on the couch, rubbing my face tiredly.

"I don't know, Shitty Glasses. I don't fucking know."

They nodded, crossing their feet beneath them before propping their elbow on their knees and resting their chin on their palm. "Want to talk about it?"

"I thought that it would be easy to forget about Eren now that Rein's here, but I was wrong. Earlier, when the three of us met, I didn't think about my actions and I ended up hurting Eren. I know that I shouldn't be affected so much by it, but I did. Just the hurt look in his eyes was able to hurt me so much too.

"When Eren left, I felt guilty. Rein stayed beside me the whole time, and I felt bad for thinking about Eren when Rein is the one who's with me. But then Rein told me that he'll wait for me. Wait until I get over Eren, until I learn to love him without forcing myself to do so. Even though it's more likely impossible, he said that he's willing to risk getting hurt if it means that he can have me."

Hanji reached out and put a hand over my own shaking one. I didn't notice how much my body is shaking until they started to calm me down.

"I am just so confused, Hanji. I love Eren, but my mind is telling me that I shouldn't. That there will be nothing good if Eren and I got together, that it would be better if Rein and I will be together instead. I am just so fucking confused. I don't know what to do."