*****

After everything that happened, I found myself unable to sleep that night. All I did was stare at the ceiling above me, not moving even by an inch, letting the darkness around me took over.

How did everything turned out to this cluster of mess? Just a few months ago, I felt so happy, so complete that I thought that nothing could ever go wrong. But I was wrong. I was so damn wrong.

Because now, I'm in this huge fucking mess, one that I'd rather not be in with. It's messing me up, messing with my thoughts, my emotions, my judgment. I've never felt like this before, never felt so out of control over the situation, but I guess that there's a first time for everything.

I turned on my bed, now facing to the left and from my place; I saw a glint coming from the nightstand. The light coming from the moon caused it and I reached my arm out, taking the source of the glint.

It was the necklace that has a key pendant that Eren gave to me that night we spent on the rooftop when we picked Isabel up from the airport. At that time, I still believe that he is Rein, and the rush of memories and images that it brought to my mind only made me close my eyes, my hand clutching the key pendant in the process.

Maybe that's the reason why he's been acting strange those days. The reason he has been spacing out too much, like his mind is so far away. Is he already thinking that his secrets will be revealed soon so he kept on reminding me that he loves me and even gave me this key?

I didn't know that love can be so fucking selfish.

I felt cold laying on my own bed, despite being buried under the comforter that can be considered thick enough to fight the cold off. Up until now, my body seems to be yearning for the familiar heat Eren has provided me, the kind of warmth that envelops me and makes me feel safe. My body missed having something warm to hold onto, hear the calm beating of his heart that sounded like a lullaby, a sweet sound that often leaves me feeling content and loved. I missed having our late night talks, our voices hushed as we talk about nonsense, just to keep on hearing each others' voices, or talk about what plans we have for the future. The way he stares at me, as if I'm that one thing he couldn't ever live without.

I didn't realize that my anger towards him already dissipated long before I even knew it, and I'm just acting like I still do just to bury these thoughts and feelings that I have for him. However, I can't keep on pretending for all of these things seem to have its own mind, reminding me and making me aware of what I truly feel under all the emotions I set on the surface to reflect on me.

But it's already too late, isn't it? We already accepted it, already gave up, for nothing good will ever fucking come out of this. He made the last move earlier, and all that's left for us is to move on and accept that nothing would ever be just like how it used to.

Clearing my mind off any thoughts, I took a deep breath, taking one last look at the necklace before placing it back on the nightstand, forcing myself to sleep with the dull pain that took home in my chest, thinking that maybe this is for the best.

*****

The next day, I wasn't surprised to know that I woke up still as tired as I did last night. I only got less than three hours of sleep, so it isn't surprising to have my head feeling like it's going to split in half, my body not having enough energy to function properly.

And that's the exact fucking reason why I was fuming the whole time Hanji dragged me along to wherever they go. I couldn't recall how many stores we already went to, their hands already full so they asked me to help them, making me carry their belongings as we enter another shop once again.

"What the fuck, Hanji? Why are you buying all of these shits?"

"Oh, you're so silly, Levi. Christmas is only two weeks ahead. Gotta start buying stuffs before the mall gets crowded."

Only two weeks left? I was so caught up in my own shits to even notice it.

Hanji continued to drag me and the count of the paper bags in our hands are piling up. Every time I told them that it's enough, they would just shut me up by forcing another bag into my hand.

"Come on, Levi, I'll buy you a book later."

"You better make sure of that or I'll cut your head off."

"I will. When did I ever break a promise?"

"Well, that time when we were—"

Hanji stopped walking, looking at me with a serious expression. They placed their pointing finger near my lips in a silencing manner. "Hush, Levi. That's one thing we'll never talk about."

I huffed out a breath, rolling my eyes and swatting their hands away. "Shut up and let's just continue buying your shits."

"Aye, aye, Captain Shrimp."

"Could you not?"

They laughed. "No."

*****

After another hour of walking around, Hanji decided to rest and eat. They pulled me into a bakery and ordered for the two of us without asking me what I want. I looked around the place. The place was nice, with cream-colored booths, furnished wooden table that matched the wooden floor, the walls decorated in cream and blue paint which is painted in vertical stripes. The place was dimly lit by orange lights and accompanied by the warm feeling and the smell of the pastries, it has a home-y ambiance in which I found comfortable.

We chose the seat at the corner of the store by the window. As soon as we settled in, Hanji started eating. I watched as Hanji took another bit from the black forest cake they ordered earlier, eating it as messy as a child does, and I scowled when some chocolate was left on the corner of their lips.

"Oi." They looked at me, their eyes questioning. I took some tissues and threw it at their face. "Wipe your fucking self. You're such a messy eater."

They took the tissues and wiped their mouth before looking down at my food. "You're not going to eat that?"

I rolled my eyes, pushing the plate to them, completely aware of what they're thinking. "No. Just eat it."

"Thank you!" I just rolled my eyes again, propping my elbow on the hand rest of the couch before looking outside. The place looks barren to me despite the bustling crowd outside. I continued watching as they laughed, hold hands, talked and smile at each other, all looking happy and whatnot. The street was dotted with different colors of sweaters and coats, scarves and mittens to protect them from the cold. Snow painted the street white, resting on top of the benches, the windowsill, and the trees whose leaves are long gone.

"The weather is as cold as my heart." Hanji's voice caught my attention and I turned my head to look at them with one eyebrow raised.

"What did you say?"

"The weather is as cold as my heart," they repeated, sounding serious as a petty attempt to sound like me. They shrugged when they saw me scowl at them. "You look like you're thinking that way."

"I do not."

"Uh huh, go on and try to fool me." They took another bite of their cake and smiled. "It's not working."

Sighing, I resigned to my fate and leaned back against the couch, crossing my arms and legs. "Why did you even think that inviting me out is a good idea?" It's not that I don't like hanging out with them. They're a great friend, has proven it to me plenty of times already, and they're good at giving advices. But after what happened last night, I'd rather stay cooped up inside my room.

"Because after what happened yesterday, it's not a good idea for you to be alone inside your room. It'll just suffocate you, and you're only going to torture yourself. I'd rather not have my only short, grumpy friend become insane."

"Fuck off." I tried to spit as much venom in my words, but I found that I could only muster so little. Instead, a small smile was able to form in my lips.

"There. I actually made you smile." They grinned at me, looking happy.

"Yeah, I think I needed that."

I stood up and went to the counter, ordering Hanji and me a cup of coffee since I need something caffeinated enough to help me through the day. It didn't take long until I went back to where I was sitting earlier, Hanji's food long gone already. They gladly accepted the coffee I offered.

"Thank you, Levi."

"You're going to pay for that."

"Huh? Why?"

I took a sip before answering them. "There's no such thing as free lunch, idiot. Besides, you're the one who fucking dragged me here."

"Fine." Hanji act like a child sometimes—no, all the time—and this is one of those times. I rolled my eyes and just continued to drink my coffee, letting the bitter taste of it assault my taste buds.

Now staring at the furnished wooden table in front of me, I started thinking whether I should tell Hanji about what happened last night with Eren. It's the main reason why I couldn't fall asleep, why the feeling in my chest felt hundreds of times heavier than it did before, and perhaps telling them about it can help lessen the heavy feeling.

"Eren came to my apartment last night."

My sudden confession took them by surprise, making them choke on their own drink. They gave me a dirty, accusing look as they recover. "You planned that, haven't you?"

"Planned what?"

"Planned to choke me by blurting that out of nowhere."

"Hanji. I'm not like you."

They rolled their eyes at my response, putting their cup on the table. Leaning back, they looked at me with eyes shining in mild interest. "Okay, what happened?"

I told them what happened, from the moment Eren knocked on my door, when he told me that he wanted to talk to me. I explained every part not leaving anything untouched, up to the point where he hugged me and left me alone with tears running down my face. They listened and listened as I spill my thoughts and heart out, not interrupting me even for a second. They're all ears, ready to listen as I ramble, and for it I am thankful. This is what I needed, someone I can express my emotions to. One who will listen and observe before giving me what I need to hear.

And Hanji is good at that.

They nodded as I kept on rambling, letting out a sigh when they figured that I was finished. They looked at me with a soft look in their eyes, a small smile on resting their lips.

"You really love him, don't you, Levi?"

I wasn't anticipating to hear that. After all the things I told them, I didn't think that that would be the response that I would get. I expected to get some words about how I should've acted, how I should've responded, but I got none of that. Instead, I got something that I had realized long ago.

"Is that really the only thing that you're going to tell me? I know that. I knew that long before." I averted my eyes from them, opting to look outside.

"Then why didn't you fight for it?"

There was silence between us, heavy, thick, and very uncomfortable. I composed myself, ignoring it, knowing that this is expected with talks such as this. "Because it's wrong. And besides, I fell for him because I thought that he was Rein and—"

"So you're saying that you fell for him because of his name?"

"No!" My voice was louder than I intended, making the other customers look at our way. I clicked my tongue and ignored them, fixing my gaze on Hanji. Why would they even say that shitty thought? "I'm not shallow, Hanji. Why would you even fucking say that?"

"Because that's how I see it, Levi. You fell for him because you thought that he was Rein? Isn't that just another way of saying that if you knew that it was Eren, you wouldn't fall for him because he's not his twin? Because he's not Rein?"

"That's not it, Hanji, fucking hell." My agitation is evident in my voice, but I didn't make any effort to hide it. I rubbed my face with my hands and sighed before resting my hands on the table. "Fuck, I didn't fall for him because of his name. I fell because of just the way he is. No matter how shitty he is at times, no matter how fucking sappy he is, he made me happy. He made me feel loved. "

"Then you are wrong saying that you fell for him because you thought that it was Rein. You fell for him because you fell for him, no excuses. Even if he is Eren, you will still love him, because of who he is. Am I right?"

I nodded. There's no point in denying it. Hell, I even told Eren the same fucking thing when I discovered his pretense. If only he came here and introduced himself truthfully, things would've been better. We would still be together. We would still be happy.

"It's already too late, isn't it?" My voice was so quiet, only above a whisper, but my emotions spilled into it. My hurt, my hopelessness, all of it.

Hanji showed me a sad smile, resting their hand on top of mine then squeezed it. "I don't know yet, Levi. But who knows? Maybe something that's in your favor will happen someday."

I didn't reply. I kept my eyes fixed on the table, silently hoping that someday Hanji's words will come true.

"Thank you, Hanji."

They squeezed my hand again. "It's nothing."

*****

Days later, after my classes, I went home from the university to see Rein leaning back against the wall of my apartment, looking down at his phone. He didn't notice me coming until I'm only a good meter away from him. He looked up from his phone and saw me standing near him, the surprised look on his face slowly turned into an unsure one. He smiled, although it didn't reach his eyes. Something's holding him back, it's as clear as day, and I'm fully aware of what that is.

"Hey, Levi." He sounded reluctant, his eyes flickering from my eyes to ground, and his posture is tense.

"Hey. What do you need?"

He took a deep breath, probably to compose himself, before he looked back at me, straight in the eyes. "Can we talk about this inside?"

"Uh, sure." I went to the door and unlocked it, stepping in before opening the door wide for him to enter inside. We both removed our shoes before we proceeded to the living room. Placing my bag on the couch, I looked at Rein who already settled on one of the couches. "What would you like to drink?"

"Coffee would be good."

I nod at him before I made a beeline to the kitchen. Setting the kettle on the stove, I washed my hands just to make sure that my hands are out of any dirt from the outside. I prepared our drinks in complete silence and went back to the living room as soon as I finished.

Placing his cup of coffee on the coffee table, I chose to sit on the couch adjacent to his before I started drinking my tea. None of us talked so there's silence covering us like a blanket. Rein seemed to still ponder on his thoughts and I didn't try to speak. What would I even fucking say? Even though I knew that this day would come, I didn't think of what I should say or what I should react when he comes to talk to me. Not until now.

Half way through my drink, Rein cleared his throat, catching my attention. He returned his cup on the table before looking at me, his hands clasped together.

"Levi, I—" Rein looked conflicted, like he doesn't know what to say. I just watched him, not saying a word as he squirms and took some deep breaths. Muttering a 'Fuck it', he returned his gaze on me.

"Levi, I just want to apologize about what happened that time."

I shook my head. "No Rein, there's nothing for you to apologize for. I'm the one who should do that. I'm sorry. For everything."

"No. I shouldn't have acted like that. Even though I was mad, I shouldn't have let it took over me. You're hurting about what happened and I was a jerk for leaving you like that. I should've stayed and comfort you. You need it and I was selfish for thinking only about myself."

"Rein..." What is he saying? He has every fucking right to be mad at me. I hid some things that he should know but I didn't tell him because I was a fucking coward. So why is he apologizing to me?

"I'm sorry, I know that you're still hurting and here I am adding to your burdens. God, I am so selfish and I felt so bad about it. Besides, who am I to be mad at the both of you? I don't own you, Levi. You have every right to date someone even if it's my own twin brother. I am just so jealous and...and I couldn't accept the fact that he hurt you. I'm blinded by my feelings that I forgot the rational part of me. I'm so sorry, Levi."

Rein looked so guilty that it sent a pang of guilt in my chest. Why does he have to be like that? Why can't he be selfish? Why is he so forgiving? Why does he have to think of me instead of himself?

"No, Rein. There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You have the right to be mad at us. We hid something important from you."

"I understand why, Levi. You just didn't want to cause any damage between the two of us. Don't worry, I know everything. Eren told me everything."

I remained silent after that. I am lost for words. I just kept on staring at him and his gaze is unwavering. He went closer to me and sat on the couch beside mine, his hand reaching out to hold mine.

"Levi, I know that you still love him and man, it sucks." Rein laughed, but under it, I can hear the hurt in his voice. "I can see the way you look at him when you thought I wasn't looking at you. There's longing underneath that blank eyes you have when you look at him. I know that you're suppressing your feelings for him because you believe that you're mad at him. I know how much you miss him. I just know it, Levi." He squeezed my hand his eyes containing a sad look in it.

"It hurts, Levi. I came here in hopes to spend my time with you and have you for myself, but seems like Eren did it first. It may not be in the right way but still, he caught you. You love him already, no matter how much you try to hide and deny it. I can see it in you, Levi. I've known you all too well to see that." Rein's voice sounded so sad and hopeless. Is that how he feels inside? Is he also hurting just like Eren and I?

I tried to steady my breath since my chest is tightening, making my breathing harder. None of us wanted to be in this position. None of us want all of us to be in pain. We just want to be happy now that we're together again.

"I'm sorry...None of us wanted this."

"Levi, I love you. I really do."

"But—"

"I told you. I know." He smiled at me sadly. "You don't have to love me. At least, not yet. I don't care how long it would take until you love me back. I don't care if you don't. Just please, let me love you. Let me prove myself to you. I just want to love you."

After all the things that happened, he still want me? Even though he knew that I still have feelings for Eren? How could someone be so much of an idiot to do that?

How could I resist such an honest wish?

After taking another shaky breath, I let a small smile paint my lips for him. I ran my hand through his hair and pushed his hair back, before placing a kiss on his forehead.

"Thank you, Rein."

He shook his head, his face somehow brighter now because he knew it. With that kiss, I allowed him to love me, I allowed him despite what he may face in the future. Despite the hurt that he may get if I cannot learn to love him back. He knows the consequences, but he's willing to risk to have me.

"I should be the one to thank you, Levi."

I know that there will be more shits to come, but I let myself wallow in this temporary peace.

*****

Author's Note

Hey guys, I hope that you enjoyed the update. If it's messy, I'm sorry. That's currently my state of mind.